Confused and unsure ....

[waxpoetic]

Where to begin... Well, I guess the best place is at the beginning. I met someone on a social networking site a while back. It happened out of the blue, I had sent a friend request a while before and never had any communication with her until one day when she sent me a private message out of the blue. We played IM tag for a few days until we finally happened to be on at the same time. We spoke for a little bit, and then she sent me her cell number and told me to text her. I waited a few days, and when I saw her on the site again I sent her another IM. She asked why I haven't sent her a text. After that, I did text her, and we spoke for a bit. When the conversation was over, I didn't text her again for about a week. Maybe I was playing a little hard to get, maybe I just wasn't sure what to do, I don't know what was going through my mind. Then I saw her on again and she posted a status update that she was going to see a band that I happened to like as well, and they were just in my neck of the woods, but I missed them because they played a club on a Sunday night and I had work the next day. She sent me an IM almost immediately, and then we started texting again. She seemed really in to me, and we started getting to know each other a little better. After a few days of texting she asked if she could call me, and of course I told her that she could call whenever she wanted. She was very flirtatious, interesting and surprisingly easy to talk to. Things were going really well, and we were talking via text all the time and occasionally on the phone. We had so much in common things seemed perfect. We started talking about how we felt about each other, and finally the L word was mentioned. Then we started talking about visiting one another. Trying to find out a little more about her I went to her profile and noticed some comments between her and another guy talking about how much fun she had when she went to visit him. These comments were before we started talking, and as crazy as it is I became a little (read: a lot) jealous. She called me the next morning, and I didn't answer. She sent me a couple of texts during the day, and I didn't respond. I wanted to say something about it, but what right did I have? How to bring it up without sounding crazy. Anyway, she later posted a status about her knowing when she's not wanted, so I replied to one of her texts that there was wanted, very much so, and that there was something bothering me. I told her what it was and she called me to explain. I told her I had no right to ask, but she wanted to tell me that the comments were between her and an ex boyfriend and I shouldn't read anything into them.

I begged for her forgiveness, and she insisted that she wasn't upset. She made me promise to come to her immediately if something was ever bothering me instead of avoiding her, which I did promise to do.

Fast forward a few weeks. Things definately seemed to have changed since before. She no longer talks about visiting me, I always bring it up. I told her that I wouldn't mention it again, and that she knows how I feel and whenever she wants to see me I will do everything in my power to arrange it. She hasn't mentioned it once. She calls me every morning and every evening, and we text a good portion of the night, but things seem different. She still says she loves me whenever we speak, and sometimes says she misses me, but it doesn't feel the same, at least not to me. I mention that, and she tells me the only thing I do to bother her is doubt how she feels. I compliment her all the time, ask about her day, try to learn everything about her, but I never feel like she's doing the same.

She used to talk about looking at wedding dresses and rings, about her dream wedding, and my heart soared. Haven't heard mention of that in a while.

She lives in Alabama, I live in NY. She works nights and I work days, so sometimes communication is a problem, but like I said, she calls me on her way to and from work every night and morning. She has a 9 month old daughter, and the father was also a long distance relationship. That wasn't a big deal to me. She also asked if I ever wanted kids, and talked about having another child with me. I never thought I wanted kids, but it didn't seem like such a bad idea with her.

I spent some time with a friend of mine two weeks ago, who happens to be an ex. We were together for 9 years. My friend spent the night (she took the bedroom, I slept on the couch), and when I spoke to her the next morning she asked if I kissed my ex. I didn't, and she said she had a dream that I did, but trusted me. I'm actually up in Buffalo this weekend, I drove this same friend to her aunt's funeral up here. We went out drinking last night with another friend that lives up here, and when I spoke to my long distance on line friend (let's call her A, I probably should have established that earlier) she asked again if I kissed my ex. I didn't, and she asked if my ex was hitting on me, which she did when she was drunk. "A" seemed a little upset by this, but told me again that she trusted me. I was a little on the tipsy side myself, and I had the courage to ask her what exactly she considered us, and she told me that she didn't know. I left it at that. I texted her this morning and asked if I could call her, she called me a few minutes later. We spoke for a few minutes and she had to go. She said she would call me back, which she did a few hours later. We spoke for a bit and she had to go again to take care of her daughter. She seems to ignore me on the social networking site now, which she didn't at first. She's met a few people on there.

I guess I should sum this up, since I've been going on for quite a while. I've never been in a long distance relationship before. To be perfectly honest, while I've had a number of girlfriends, I've only ever had three serious long term relationships. While I wasn't happy being single, I wasn't unhappy. I can't say content, just not miserable. Now I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I walk around all day with a lump in my throat and I constantly want to just draw the blinds, shut the door and sob. I don't want to continue on like this, but I'm afraid that if I break it off I will be throwing away something that might be wonderful. I tried that already, and it went horribly wrong. I was waiting for "A" to call me on a Saturday night, which she didn't do, and I wrote this huge long text to her saying that I love her but it hurt too much. Then I spent the rest of the weekend staring at my phone hoping it would ring or a text would come in until I finally called her Monday morning and apologized.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused. Does she feel the same? Is it just the distance and the longing that's clouding my judgement? Is she just looking for a "baby daddy" and now figures it's too much trouble? Was this just something to pass the time for her? Is she just going to continue to drag this out and see if something better comes along? What should I do? I want to call her all the time, but I'm afraid to. I never call her without asking. I want to send her a text now, but I don't want to bother her. Maybe I should play a little hard to get? Stop telling her I love her? I always wait for her to say it when we're on the phone, which she always does, but maybe I just shouldn't respond. Maybe I shouldn't answer her calls, or tell her I don't want to talk for a few days? I don't want to play any games, but I don't want to continue feeling like this. Maybe I'm just crazy and I need mental help? Am I just in love with being in love and want that feeling again?

I've written enough, I guess, and if you're still reading this I appreciate it. I've tried to include everything so any advice can be as accurate for my situation as possible. I just wish I knew what to do, and if it's not what I want to hear, how can I stop feeling so lost? What should I say to her? How do I know if she feels the way she says she does? Did I screw up and ruin something that might have been magical?

Thanks...

Edited May 21, 2011 by waxpoetic

[heartshaped]

Have you met this woman in person?

 

I think meeting her in person would be a start. Then go from there.

[waxpoetic]

No, we haven't met in person yet. First there was talk that she would take vacation the first chance she had. That was only when I would ask her when she wanted to meet me. After asking her over and over again, I finally said that I wouldn't ask her again. I told her I would meet her any time she wanted. She hasn't brought it up once.

Meh, I'm probably asking to be abused. I've probably told her a hundred times that I would love to take care of her and her daughter...

Edited May 21, 2011 by waxpoetic

[Pianiste]

From your story it does seem like her interest in you changed somewhere during these weeks but I find it very hard to tell you what the reason for that could be. I guess the tough part, in my opinion, is that you guys never met. I don't think there's a big chance of success is you two don't meet up because it sounds like you are heading towards a downward spiral which'll only cause more pain and eventually a break-up.

 

My advice would be: decide for yourself whether you want to try and make it work and if you do tell her you meet her and start taking the steps required to meet her! Oh and don't start with games, it hate it when people think that those can solve any serious issues, they don't.

[waxpoetic]

Thanks for your response. I want to meet her. With all my heart and all my soul I do. But you're right. I'm afraid that if I do meet her the heartache will only be worse if things don't work. But then I'm afraid that if I don't I will be throwing away something that might be beautiful. I've asked her why things have changed, and she says that if they have it's because I keep doubting that she loves me.

I don't want to play any games. I've been in relationships where the games have been played on both sides. I'm not too proud to not own up to my mistakes, of which I've made a few.

I want to text her now and ask her if I'm too clingy, but I keep fighting the urge because I don't want to cling.

I don't want to make any mistakes with this. I don't even know what this is, and I'm afraid to ask or to push the issue.

There are so many questions and no answers. If I knew that she didn't feel the same I could end this and start the mourning process. If I knew that she did feel the same I could man up and try and deal with any issues that I have. I'm tired of asking her, and I'm sure she's tired of me asking. It's not like if her feelings have changed and she's not telling me now she suddenly will tell me.

What to do? What to do?

[Pianiste]

If I had the choice between going on like this, tormenting eachother with insecurities and getting very unhappy or planning a visit to see how things would work out "irl" I would certainly pick the second one! You might think the heartache will be worse if you do but are you really enjoying yourself in this relationship right now? Do you think she is?

 

Doubts are very tiring and take away all your energy. And the worst part is that she will soon connect you with negativity if you keep bringing it up. She might not say, "that's it, I'm done!" but neither will she feel that nice warm feeling in her tummy when she sees you online, knowing that she's just waiting for the conversation to derail into negativity again.

 

You are by now so used to bringing up these doubts you have that it'll be hard to break the cycle and not bring it up everytime they pop into your head, but that's exactly what you got to do, break the cycle! You can have a small talk, not too heavy, not searching for any promises or whatever, where you tell her you see that your behaviour is having a negative impact on the relationship and that you will work on it. Don't spend too much energy on it whenever negativity pops into your head again that just feeds your insecurity, do something else and ignore it. You'll feel much better and so will she and it'll be a nice foundation for meeting eachother and getting to know eachother a bit better.

 

Btw, I don't think it's that strange she doesn't bring up the coming over anymore. You have actively put the ball in your court and as long as she doesn't tell you the match is over it's time for you to take the first step.

[waxpoetic]

Well, I know I am very insecure. It's not healthy in a relationship, which is why I've been avoiding having any relationships and I've stayed single. I've tried to work on it in the past, gone to therapy, but I've never gotten anywhere with it. I have more issues than National Geographic. It's not fair of me to put anyone else through it, but I couldn't help but fall for her, and as selfish as it is, I don't want to break things off because it will hurt too much. I get euphoric highs when I speak to her, and then crushing lows when I don't. Sometimes I think I really wasn't cut out to be in a relationship with anyone.

I guess you never really know despair until you see yourself screwing up relationship after relationship and no matter what you have tried there's nothing you can do to stop it. It's like racing towards a brick wall at 100 miles an hour with no brakes. You see it coming, you know what's going to happen, and all you can do is pray that you'll be able to walk away from the accident.

[Lucky_One]

I think you two need to meet and find out if you even LIKE each other before you plan weddings and more children and you offer to take care of her for the rest of your life.

 

Really.

 

Just tell her that you want to come down there one weekend in the next month. Enough is enough. If she can't schedule a weekend one month out, then you have an answer - she doesn't care enough about you to make it happen.

 

And stop hanging out with your XGF. You wouldn't like it if she spent the night with her XBF or went out drinking with him, so why are you doing this to her?

[waxpoetic]

I know what you're saying. I feel kind of crazy for even having those feelings, since I've never even met her.

Going down to visit her poses a number of problems. I would love to visit her, but she lives in a small three bedroom apartment with her mother, best friend and daughter, I live in a pretty large three bedroom house by myself, and I have three dogs that no one can take care of if I went away.

It also poses a problem with my ex. We've remained pretty close, and I love her, but I haven't been in love with her for a very long time. There's no sexual attraction there, she has no motivation to further her career or go back to school or anything. I supported her for two years and I kept asking her to get a job, go to school, do something with her life, but she never did. She was an actress, I met her through a friend when I went to see his play, I was always asking her to audition, go for readings, get her masters in fine arts, whatever, just not sit around and do nothing all day until I finally had enough.

I've asked the long distance girl if she minds, and she said she didn't. And I don't think it would be fair for her to have a problem with it, the father of her child is coming to visit her next weekend and staying with her, and I know she keeps in touch with a number of her exes as well, whether on line, on the phone or in person. Yes, I guess it does bother me, but considering we've never been together I couldn't say anything.

Maybe there are just too many problems, too many roadblocks. I mean, I guess if things worked out I would stop seeing my ex as often as I do, but I couldn't cut her out of my life completely. She loves the dogs as much as I do, and she did help me take care of them for the nine years we lived together. She couldn't even take them to her place so I could go away or let her spend time with them without seeing her. She moved back in with her mother when we split and her mother's place is too small for three large dogs. And then even if things did work I wouldn't be able to tell the LDR that she couldn't see her daughter's father or that he couldn't visit his daughter. Sometimes I think I'm not cut out to be in any relationship, let alone a long distance one. Maybe I'm better off being single?

Ugh, I want this to work, but I don't know how it can. I guess I'm really afraid of the emotional fallout if it doesn't...

[Lucky_One]

So, obviously you aren't as invested in this, either.

 

If you were, you would 1) make reservations at a hotel (as you SHOULD do anyway, because it would be pretty presumptuous to expect to spend the night with someone that you have never met) 2) get your XGF to come take care of your dogs since she must come there anyway to visit with the dogs or 3) take your dogs to the vet to be boarded.

 

If you can't afford any of that, then you probably can't afford to be in a relationship to begin with.

[waxpoetic]

No, it's not that I can't afford any of that. I guess maybe I'm just looking for excuses why this can't work. I keep thinking about it, and maybe I'm selfish or expect too much, but I want someone that feels the same way about me that I feel about them. I think maybe I want someone to tell me that I'm right, that this can't work and I'm just being stupid and foolish and I should end this thing now.

Whenever I've gone through a breakup I've hoped for someone to tell me that everything will be OK, that it will work out in the end. I think this time I'm looking for someone to tell me that it WON'T work out. Why else would I have so many doubts when this is in it's infancy?

[Pianiste]

I don't know whether you are comparing these insecurities to the insecurities you've had in a non-ldr but in my opinion you can't really compare them. There are a lot more insecurities in a ldr, especially if you've never met. In my opinion you have two choices here and you have to choose one based on your instinct because you've got nothing else you can really hold on to:

 

1. You either say ok, I give up. I'm not going to invest any more time into this thing to investigate whether the feelings I have are mutual and what exactly the feelings are that I have. This is the easy way but there is the danger you might not be able to fully close the chapter since you based you decision on fear and there are a lot of things left unsaid.

or,

2. You are going to meet up, and there's always a way if you really want to! You will get to know eachother better and decide what you want to do with this afterwards. You will have a lot better view of what the person is like and what her feelings are. You'll also be able to judge the relationship a lot better since you also have the face-to-face aspect to take into account.

[creighton0123]

I am going to say this with the most positive intentions:

 

You have what can be called a clandestinely immature relationship. You've gone wrong on so many levels:

 

1. Started off by playing games. She gave you her number and asked you to call her and you didn't because you were playing "hard to get".

 

2. Based way too much serious conversation in text messaging. Texting is not a replacement for solid communication.

 

3. You have been missing most of the true forms of communication manifest in more successful long distance relationships: Skype, video chat, voice chat, emails.

 

4. Did you say you love one another before you really met in person and/or defined your relationship? Have you discussed monogamy or agreed on an open relationship?

 

5. You haven't met in person... yet have discussed both marriage and having kids together?

 

6. You haven't discussed or focused on a routine communication... leaving you waiting for her to call with her not having an expectation of needing to call... then getting yourself worked up and depressed over her not calling...

 

You and this young woman need to do two things:

 

1. Talk things out. Start from the beginning and discuss what you expect, what you want out of your relationship, and whether things are right enough to move forward.

 

2. Meet in person. Another comment above suggested that you plan this. Ask for one weekend next month and go. If she can't accommodate you, move on.

 

 

My advice? Despite how much is sucks, you're in so much distress over someone you haven't even met yet or, from your story, haven't even had video chat with. I'd cut cords, no contact, and move on. I know that's the last thing you want to hear.

[waxpoetic]

That's just it, I don't know if she really wants to anymore, or if she ever did. She used to say that we HAD to meet, now she doesn't seem that interested in it. I haven't brought it up, and she hasn't either.

She also didn't call me last night. The last text I received from her was that she was leaving her friend's house, and I should think of her. I told her I'm always thinking about her. Then, no call (she usually calls me when she's driving, but never at home, which is a red flag), and no call and no text this morning.

[creighton0123]

That's just it, I don't know if she really wants to anymore, or if she ever did. She used to say that we HAD to meet, now she doesn't seem that interested in it. I haven't brought it up, and she hasn't either.

She also didn't call me last night. The last text I received from her was that she was leaving her friend's house, and I should think of her. I told her I'm always thinking about her. Then, no call (she usually calls me when she's driving, but never at home, which is a red flag), and no call and no text this morning.

 

Then you have to ask her.

 

"Are you or are you not still interested in meeting and pursuing a relationship with me? If you are, I'd like to discuss some things just to make sure we're both on the same page. It will go a long way in making me less confused."

 

From there, figure out a more solid schedule and method of communication (please, please please stop it with the damn text messaging). This will require she talk to you a bit while she's at home. She obviously has the Internet. She should get a webcam for video chat.

 

Right now, you're driving up an icy hill and she's at the top lording the salt and sand in front of you. That's not a relationship. That's cold and deceptive.

[waxpoetic]

Should I call or text her (I know, you said no more texting, but I'm always afraid to just call her out of the blue) or wait for her to contact me? I know if she doesn't and I don't contact her I have my answer. I have brought up my fears a number of times, and every time I do she says it's the negativity that will drive her away. So many things are telling me that I should get a clue, right?

I know I've made a lot of mistakes in this. I hope that I didn't make too many and ruin something that might have been great. She told me she loved me first, and then I just let my imagination run wild.

I don't want to cause her any unneeded stress. She works long nights, has a 9 month old daughter, she's always tired. Or maybe I'm just buying her excuses. I don't want to ruin what might be by saying or doing the wrong thing. Oh, how I wish I never responded to her. I have never been so unsure of what to do next. I've never felt so out of control, and I don't like it.

[waxpoetic]

Argh, not two minutes after I posted my last message she sent me a text saying that she misses me and loves me, and her phone is dying and when she charges it and she'll message me again.

[waxpoetic]

Sorry for so many repeated posts, but I messaged back that we relly need to talk on the phone, not through text messages. I am going to promise her that this will be the last time we discuss this, but that everything needs to be out in the open. I guess we'll see how this goes...

[Pianiste]

I've never felt so out of control, and I don't like it.

 

Yes, it can be hard to let go of control when you are used to the illusion of actually having control. You always have a limited amount of control in relationships, if you want to make the best out of them it is important you take these risks. Besides that you should stop with the unrealistic expectations, those wont help you any further and they will give no guarantees at all.

 

She seems genuine in her interest in you and I can very well imagine you are driving her away with all the negativity.

 

If you want to stay in this relationship it is important you don't wait too long to move forward, ie. meeting irl, and take the next step. That way you will have a better foundation for whatever might come. :-)

[waxpoetic]

I am going to simply tell her that I will not bring anything up again once we've had thisconversation, but I need to quantify what we are, and set a firm date on when we can actually meet. I am going to tell her that there is no pressure on her to tell me she loves me, but I need to know if she is serious about this, and make plans for the next step.

I don't need to be in control of everything in a relationship, just my own feelings, and I don't know what to feel anymore.