stephferme Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 My name is Steph. I have been married for 1 1/2 years. I got married at the age of 20, and my husband was 18. In January he had to leave, and he was away for work for 5 weeks. I caught him "cheating" on me. It was nothing physical, but he had been carrying on E-mail and phone conversations with his ex girlfriend for at least a month, telling her how much he loves her and misses her, etc. Meanwhile, he was calling me every day and telling me he loves me and misses me, and he decided that he wanted to have a baby with me. I found out about all of this cheating after he got home. I confronted him, and he admitted it. I dont buy his explanation though; he says he doesn't know why he was saying this stuff to her. He said he just wanted to get some closure with her. According to him, when they had broken up it was sudden. He had to move, and he just left her and broke up over the phone. They only dated for a month when they were together. I cant trust him at all. I feel sick every time I think of him near a phone or computer. We are going to counseling, and I dont think it is helping. What can I do to feel better ?? Link to post Share on other sites
overseas2004 Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I am really sorry to hear about your situation and I truly believe that you are suffering. The one thing I have learned about relationships over all this time that I have been in and out of them is that unacceptable behavior has to be stopped otherwise it will spin out of control. I suggest you tell your husband that you will leave him if he continues to cheat on you. And if he does you better back up your actions with your words. If you get weak you face an entire life of cheating in front of you. Believe me it will be hell.. Lots of luck to you. Iwould not want to be in your shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
trueloveishard2find Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Hello Stef, Well, even though he has been saying things to his ex' that you don't approve of...the positive thing is that he has admitted it to you. Cause believe me, you know how men like to lie and not admit a darn thing. Besides, I wonder just how much did he really care about her when they were only together for a month. I'm not saying people can't fall in love in a short time but you know what I mean. Hopefully, he is just looking for closure like he said... but how much longer does he need? Since he's been talking with her for a month. It's great their your going to counseling and is he also going with you? To me I don't think this is something to get a divorce over (not saying that's how you feel) just some people are so quick to give up. Do you think that he feels that he got married too young? I hope that things will work out. I'm sure your counselor can really give you some good advice. Try and stay positive and remember the love you two share and hopefully you guys will grow old together. Take care and God bless!! Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 You married an 18 year old. His maturity level is way below that of the average guy who is of marrying age. This doesn't mean too much, since 40 year old men sometimes cannot help themselves from sending questionable messages to exes, but it does mean that you married a baby, and you're going to have to deal with that until he grows up (and you do, too, for that matter.) My parents (who were married at 20 and 21), needed counselling, since my father still had the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old. He went to visit his ex girlfriend in another state less than a month before the wedding. They are happily married now (24 years and going strong), but they had a rocky start, and my mom has warned me, time and time and time (etc) again, that getting married at so young an age causes problems that you would not imagine - that wouldn't happen if you were older. I'll get off my soap box now, but you should seek counselling. My mother swears by it, and they only went to two or three sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I would find it more than odd that he would risk his marriage for a female he only dated for 1 month. I'm not sure that getting married at such a young age allowed him time to 'sow his oats'. IF you guys can communicate, maybe get some counselling, perhaps him realizing how much he hurt you and put his marriage in a bad predicament, there is a good chance you can work through it. It's important you are assured of this BEFORE you have any children though. Good Luck in everything. Please continue posting and letting us know how you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
mintjulep Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess I would find it more than odd that he would risk his marriage for a female he only dated for 1 month. I'm not sure that getting married at such a young age allowed him time to 'sow his oats'. good point, and what i was getting at, but should have said more explicitly It's important you are assured of this BEFORE you have any children though. definitely Good Luck in everything. Please continue posting and letting us know how you are doing. yes, please do let us know. you deserve happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
stephferme Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 in response to some questions/observations from everyone: my husband and i are going to the counseling together... it didnt take any convincing him on my part he was very willing to go. we have went 3 times, but i dont really feel like it is helping me trust him. also, i dont know if he has, or ever had "love" feelings for her. they only dated for a month.. but by the way my husband and i fell in love and got married i would believe he could have fallen in love with someone else like that.. we were dating for only 2 months when we got married. he swears to me that he never loved her, and doesnt love her. before we got married he had said that he didnt love her. another thing.. i dont know what to make of this , but in our counseling, when telling the counselor about all of this and what led him to do it, i feel like he is trying rationalize it all, trying to say that he was doing it to make her feel better. he told the counselor that one day he had just happened to recieve an instant message from her.. and that led to some conversation online.. then phone calls, and before he knew it somehow it led to him telling her how much he loves her, etc. and he says that he just couldnt stop telling her these things because he didnt want to hurt her feelings...( what about my feelings i wonder!! ).... he says he was going to eventually tell her that he didnt really feel that way.. but he didnt want to be mean to her and he didnt know what to do... that is the story he told me , and the marriage counselor, and i dont know if i believe it. i think that he would have continued talking to her if i hadnt caught him. also he has a past of disrespecting my feelings about things..... in the past i have asked him not to chat with women online, and he tells me that it is none of my business and he will do what he wants... he has traded pictures with these women, fully clothed pics, but still..... it made me upset, and he didnt seem to mind. after i confronted him about cheating on me we had a discssion about that too.. and he agreed that it was wrong and he sees that now and wont do it anymore if it bothers me. i feel like he is trying to be good to me..... but i am still having a hell of a time looking past what happened. it is haunting me.. and it suckls too because he is in the military and has to go out on assignments frequently without me.. i feel like i cant trust him to be alone any more. as for the person who mentioned him being 18 when we married, and him needing to "sow some oats", i dont know.. i ask him about this all the time.. especaially after this, and he promises that he is not looking for that and he wants to be with me and that he loves me.. i am so confused and hurt.. i know he loves me.. but i dont know why he would choose to hurt me if he loves me so much. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 15, 2004 Share Posted April 15, 2004 Goodness sakes! You married each other after only *2 months* of dating? And him being a ripe ol' 18 and you 20? What on earth were you thinking, getting married that young....and after only knowing each other for a very very short period of time? You couldn't have possibly known each other well enough. Yikes! Link to post Share on other sites
Amandy Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 First of all let me tell you how much I respect that you got married so young. It is good that you have not done what so many in our American society do, which is sleep around with loads of people and then at the ripe age of 30 decide now is the time to get married. I also believe that people saying he is only 18 is ridiculous. He is an adult and he made some bad decisions when he cheated on you and when he talked to these other women. Age may not make him older and wiser. You need to decide whether you can live this way with him. Personally I think cheating is a one strike and your out deal that breaks the marriage for good. Anyway, I hope things work out for you in the very best way Link to post Share on other sites
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