Caracal Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Hello all, I am desperate for some opinions on my situation, feel I am going mad with doubts about everything. So here goes... I am 33, my husband 35. We were childhood sweethearts, so have been in a relationship for 18 years, married for 11. Five weeks ago I moved back from overseas with my husband expected to follow shortly after as he was tidying up loose ends. But after two weeks apart I noticed his texts were cool to say the least, and when I phoned to talk he broke down and said it was over. I did not handle the conversation well, was totally in shock, and for about two days there was some nasty text warring going on. I reigned it in quick and then contacted to have a heart to heart. This went reasonably well, although my husband said he did not want to talk about reasons for his "concerns" until he arrived in the country as he wanted to meet face to face. I asked if I was simply waiting for the axe to fall and after stepping off the plane it was over, but he said no, he wanted to talk. He even agreed that I should start looking for temporary accommodation so we couuld have some privacy rather then living with family as we had initially planned to do. The conversation included some tears, but also laughter, and I felt really connected and that we could sort through anything. Over the next two weeks there were a couple of conversations that went okay, although he seemed to be distancing himself from me and it was I chasing him to get him to contact his side of the family to explain things (like why I wasn't collecting him from airport at his insistance). Then bang... he gets off the plane and tells me "ILYB". I was, and one week later still am, devastated. We have met two times since, both at my request to talk things through more. He has been refreshingly honest with me, saying that he started to disconnect about six years ago, as he felt I had changed and become negative about life in general. To be fair to him, he tried to tell me this at the time, although I became very defensive and shut him out, so he instead soldiered on and says he simply acted a part. He has acted so well he deserves an Oscar, I am totally shocked as up to three weeks ago I thought were were a very lucky couple, soul mates. Up to my return to Australia he was talking about our starting a family, that he loved me and wanted to spend every day for the rest of our lives waking up beside me. We are an affectionate couple, although our sex life is lacking and I admit I have not worked hard enough on this. He also says he is no longer attracted to me. But clearly our communication about the important things is a huge problem, although I didn't know it until now. His reasons for acting the part was to convince him and me, as he didn't want to hurt me. I feel hugely responsible for where we are now at, with lots of if only's about his attempt at communication all those years ago. He is staying at his family's and I at mine. He is definite it is over and does not seem to want to go to counselling or even work on it together, he seems almost defeated by it. I am trying to show that I can change, and have told him that I now realise I have used him as a whipping post for my unhappiness with being overseas. There are some positives, when talking about friends who have had marriage difficulties he mentioned that "they never had what we had", and he says he does not regret our marriage. And he says whenever we take career breaks to travel (which we have done a lot of and just returned from one) there are no problems, the problems start when we enter "real life". But I now am not sure whether what he says is about not wanting to hurt me, as he is genuinely a wonderful man and I am desperate not to lose him. I have told him I will give him time to think and let him know that my motives in contacting him are to try to work things out. He has not told me this is futile, but neither has he given me any encouragement. Reading internet advice I am confused, as it seems I should be cutting all contact and getting on with my life. I am worried I am deluding myself and just prolonging the pain. But I really believe what we had is worth it. Oh, and the other worry is that he is now talking about returning overseas in the very near future, so I feel time is running out. He is moving at 100 mph, has even taken me to the bank and split up our accounts and investments. He denies there is anyone else, and I believe him on this, in fact had so much trust in him that I did not even consider it until family questioned me about it. So I welcome your opinions as to whether my hope in working things out is just delusional... Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Hi. Sorry that you find yourself here but there is truly the best advice. I've had the ILYB speech and the "I've not loved you for x years bs" . Also so has everyone else on here. It's not being "refreshingly honest" it's just your spouse rewriting history to justify the nasty thing he's doing to you. Check your hubby's phone records and computer it sounds a fair bet there's someone else in the picture Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Oh a note of hope. I reconciled my marriage . Link to post Share on other sites
Le Corb Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Some of the lawyers told me that "when a man leaves a marriage normally there is someone else involved, when a woman leaves a marriage it could be a thousand different reasons." Check the phone records, computers etc. My story is the other way around, I am still going through all the emotional pain and legal matters. I am still looking for reasons... and why she did not communicate. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t275030/ good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caracal Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks for the words of support. I had already read your situation Le Corb, hang in there, I really feel for you. Robf1971, I just desperately hope we can reconcile as you did, but my hopes today have taken a beating. I had emailed husband two days ago apologising for my role in where we are at and explaining I was deeply committed to making it work and would give him time and space, wait for him. I just received an email back saying I need to stop apologising, that it hurts for him to read my email and that although he believes I would change he doesn't feel ready for that. He has now written that I need to get on with my life and not wait, he will catch up with me when he finishes visiting family and wished me strength! I have no means of checking if he is emotionally involved with anyone, as this person would be out of the country and he is on pre-paid anyway. Your advice has made me suspicious though, especially as he seems to be moving things forward so quickly and eager to get back overseas. I have emailed him asking him if there is an emotional connection with someone else, as today he has stopped answering when I call. To top this all off on my miserable day, I start a new job tomorrow and am so anxious about how I am going to cope. I know I need to be able to throw myself into something to move on, but just don't know if I can concentrate and hold it together. I know some of my colleagues already having worked with them many years ago, so some of them are sure to ask about hubby and I, especially given I have even been to some of their weddings. How do I answer the questions without crumbling and then have them worry about whether I am right for the job at this time (it is only casual)? And how on earth do you all stop trying to make any excuse to contact your ex, I am trying desperately to refrain from begging him to come back! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Caracal Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 Thanks everyone for reading my rants and misery, please offer me advice! So further to the last post, just spoke with hubby, and he has asked that I give him space, we agreed I could contact once a week to give him time to think. He will be away for about two weeks and then will come back so we can have a talk, but he is looking at booking flight overseas for shortly after that. I have to face it, he has definitely decided it is over. But for some reason I still cling to my denial, hoping against hope he will change his mind. I asked him about emotional affair, he denies it and I believe him. He is being so very honest even knowing it is hurting me, and he said if it was an affair he would not be having any contact with me as that would not be fair. He still does not want to try and I am annoyed that he won't give me a chance. I have even suggested that we could date with no strings attached, and that he needn't think this is not a good idea as it would hurt me further (something he seems to be worried about) as I would rather the chance to give it a go and be hurt then to not have the chance. I even sent him link to a book that sounds similar to our situation and allows individual or couples to work things through, but he is not interested. I have ordered a copy for myself though. He says he just does not have the feelings for me anymore, though he does like and love me. I have applied for a job interstate and told him that I am in the running and that I am worried that if I moved there would be no chance of reconciliation (crazy I know when he is looking at going overseas) and he says if it is meant to work out then it will work out wherever we are and he could move there. But at this point he says he can not see a way to work it out. Please give me some suggestions on what I should do to get him to give us a chance... or should I just give up? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 as that would not be fair. Wow how very diplomatic of him!!! Your husband is not being honest with you and is totally disrepecting you. I repeat you need to get your head out of the sand and find out whats going on. When you find out then you can bust his affair, then stop allowing him to walk all over you. Link to post Share on other sites
htctouchpro2 Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 ^^ good advice from robf1971 Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I'm on board with those who say he's having an affair. He will never admit it to you. I've lived through it. You need evidence to prove it because most cheaters will never ever admit it. If someone is willing to cheat, they are also willing to lie. A detective would work if you need to know what is going on. Otherwise, you can check bank account statements, facebook?, etc. for some clues. Has he been dressing nicer than usual? Going out more than usual? I encourage you to stop contacting him. While he has you falling all over him and (probably) also has another woman too, all of his needs are being met. If you stop bothering him completely, it MAY give him a chance to miss you. If he calls, don't answer, if he texts, don't reply. Call him back later and tell him you were having a great time with your friends. and talk to him only briefly and tell him you've gotta run ("so sorry, I have to run to meet someone! Can we chat later?"). And in the meantime, do some things for yourself - work out, go out, and TRY to enjoy your life. In time, you will be just fine even if you are without him (trust me, I've been there!). Link to post Share on other sites
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