forever engaged....stuck between the parents

[purplesky]

Hi, I have a problem....I don't know if we'll ever get married...

 

I have been with my boyfriend for five years now. We met in college and since then we have both graduated (him in 2010, and I just had my graduation a few weeks ago). We got engaged to each other at a small family ceremony in 2009 (this was after three years of dating), under pressure from my parents. Neither of us were ready for it at the time, since we were both still in college. I, specially was not happy with the fact that he hadn't actually proposed to me; which is why last summer we had our own engagement "re-do", where we went ring shopping and he got to propose to me. However we decided to save marriage discussion until I graduate this year.

 

So now, here we are, dating for five years, engaged for two years, both of us educated young professionals out of school...and it's FINALLY time to talk about marriage and a wedding. But we have one huge road block, and that is his parents (mostly his mom). We obviously want both of our parents blessings, as we had for our engagement, but it seems like his mom is just not ready to discuss this with us. He is the only child and has a strong bond with his mom, so I understand that it's hard for her to let him go. But it seems like every time he tries to bring up the discussion, she either brushes it off, or says it's bad timing for a talk, or that she has a headache, etc etc. She has specific and rather unrealistic expectations of what point he should be at in his career and what financial situation he should be in before he gets married. And I have a feeling that because he doesn't meet her "criteria", that she doesn't believe he is ready for marriage.

We need their support because we are a couple in our early twenties and obviously cannot finance our own wedding. And we would love their support and blessing. And on top of that, my parents have been very supportive of the idea of us getting married. So it seems like we are just waiting on his mom to get on board.

 

My problem is: how long of a wait is too long? I hate the idea of waiting on his mom...what if she is never ready to let go of her son? what if she doesn't want to talk about it for another year? two years? three years?? I want to settle down with my fiance and make a life; I hate that we are waiting on her in order to get married. I feel like I've already waited enough.

 

It gets more complicated because my parents are not willing to give us their full blessing until his parents actually come and talk to them. So we are stuck in between...what is a girl to do? when do I put my foot down and say "enough is enough"? as selfish and irrational as this may seem, I don't want to waste my time anymore if his mom is going to get in our way of getting married.

[TaraMaiden]

What culture do you originate from?

Are you still living in the country of your culture?

 

Because this doesn't sound like a "conventional" Western set-up at all.....

 

If that is the case, trying to glean advice form a relationships forum which is pretty much a forum where the majority of people come from a western, more liberal, les constrained climate, may not be productive.

[myoung13]

In-laws are one of the "major issues" within a marriage along with finances, religion, communication, sex, etc. My first thought is that I would be very careful about this whole situation. What does your fiance think of all of this? How much input/involvement does she have in his life and your relationship?

[purplesky]

TaraMaiden: we are living here in the US. my family moved here when I was 13 and his family moved when he was 9. So we come from a cultural background, but have an american up-bringing, which is what makes everything complicated. Him and I see a lot of things the western way, but we still have to cope with our parents who want to do things their way. This is one of the reasons we can't just say "screw it" and elope.

 

myoung13: his mom is a nice person and I have come to love her and respect her. we have come to terms with the fact that because of our cultural background, our families will always be involved in our lives. however his mom is especially dominating, which is not good because I am a dominating female as well. I could easily butt heads with her on many issues, but i keep my mouth shut only because we need their blessing to get married. after that I don't care what anyone says. I still love her, but she needs to understand that her son is all grown up now and we don't need her permission for everything. and I hate the fact that right now we are putting everything on hold because of HER.

This whole thing could be talked through if only she would be open to discussing it. the problem is that she doesn't want to directly talk about this subject, which puts me in a weird situation. I don't want to convince him to get married without his parents involvement, but at the same time I don't want to be waiting around forever...

[purplesky]

I should also mention that because of financial restraints, we have been secretly living together for the past eight months. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. All I want is to have a normal life with my husband, where we get to make the decisions. and honestly we have been ready for this for a long time. we kept on putting off marriage because everyone was telling us "it's too soon" or "you're too young", and all that typical crap. We have come to a point where we know what we want.

[eerie_reverie]

I should also mention that because of financial restraints, we have been secretly living together for the past eight months. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. All I want is to have a normal life with my husband, where we get to make the decisions. and honestly we have been ready for this for a long time. we kept on putting off marriage because everyone was telling us "it's too soon" or "you're too young", and all that typical crap. We have come to a point where we know what we want.

 

Well that seems a tad immature.

 

I think if you can't stand up to your family, you really aren't ready to get married.

 

Personally, I would tell everyone we are living together and start saving for a wedding with my finance.

[myoung13]

I honestly don't know about your cultural things, so I'm not sure how to help you for sure. Let me answer as if there weren't cultural things going on. When you said in your original post about putting your foot down, that is a little off. When it comes to his Mom, he needs to put his foot down. If you will not, then he is not ready to be married. It will always be an issue for you guys. For the betterment of your marriage and of your and his relationship with her, I would suggest at least starting your marriage in a city far away from her. It's not as a punishment or anything, it will just be best for everyone. That's my thoughts. Hope it helps.

[purplesky]

eerie_reverie: I can see how you think its immature if you are not considering cultural restrictions. It doesn't matter how old you are - in our culture it's frowned upon to be living together before marriage. and it's not about having the guts to tell them.

Saving up for a wedding ourselves is a good idea. but if we were to do that, we'd have to wait another couple of years and I just don't know what we would do meanwhile (and my parents would probably be getting on my case every day).

 

myoung13: you are right. it's about HIM putting his foot down, not me. I wish it was as simple as that and as quick as it sounds; he is working on it, which means he has been trying to talk to her and kind of ease his way in. but I guess I'm just running out of patience. He is getting frustrated, as well. and when he comes to me with his concerns I wish I could do something about it. we just don't know how to get through her. so do we just move on, or keep trying?

[eerie_reverie]

eerie_reverie: I can see how you think its immature if you are not considering cultural restrictions. It doesn't matter how old you are - in our culture it's frowned upon to be living together before marriage. and it's not about having the guts to tell them.

Saving up for a wedding ourselves is a good idea. but if we were to do that, we'd have to wait another couple of years and I just don't know what we would do meanwhile (and my parents would probably be getting on my case every day).

 

myoung13: you are right. it's about HIM putting his foot down, not me. I wish it was as simple as that and as quick as it sounds; he is working on it, which means he has been trying to talk to her and kind of ease his way in. but I guess I'm just running out of patience. He is getting frustrated, as well. and when he comes to me with his concerns I wish I could do something about it. we just don't know how to get through her. so do we just move on, or keep trying?

 

What exactly do you mean by "move on"? Are you seriously considering dumping him because his parents won't pay for your wedding at this time?

[TaraMaiden]

purplesky:

I'm afraid you'll have to face it.

You've come to an impasse, and you now have to make a choice.

 

Old culture - or new?

 

 

You cannot live with a foot in both camps.

it can't be done.

I live in a country where there is a high portion of immigrants and one of the serious dilemmas second-generation immigrants face, is how to intergrate with the new culture of their choosing ('here') yet still remain faithful to the culture of their elders ('there').

The short answer is:

In matters of taste, look to the old culture.

in matters or convention and Law - look to the new.

 

His mother is not "at home" any more.

For whatever reason, they chose to leave their country/culture of origin, and come to where you are now, and make a new life.

well, sorry; get over it.

 

The fact that you two have been living together 'secretly' for the past 8 months shows your defiance of the constraints your old culture put upon you.

It also shows that actually, you're being hypocrites, and that it is but a small step from living in secret, to bringing it out in the open.

You risk being discovered; so you might as well admit it.

 

You have no other option:

come clean, and make arrangements to marry.

 

My partner and I are going to have a civil ceremony, which will cost us less than $200.

 

if you two really wanted to get married - you'd find a way.

 

Some of the comments in your posts make me wonder whether this really is the man you want to marry, spend the rest of your life with, and whose children you wish to bear.

 

For the duration, long haul and foreseeable future.

 

Do you actually have 2 conflicting issues, here?

 

Your family situation and the rumbling unease about whether you actually want to build your future this way, at all...?

[TokyoG33kyGal]

i am guessing Filipino?

 

Filipino guys who cannot put their foot down will be forever mama's boys. he has to cut the cord now or his mom will continue meddling even in your married life.

[Lucky_One]

What is more important here - a wedding or a marriage?

[tigressA]

What is more important here - a wedding or a marriage?

 

A very good question. I agree with TM's post, too. If you truly do wish to be MARRIED to this man, and he to you, you would find a way--and the way in which you do it would be of little to no concern. A civil ceremony requires very little planning and costs very little money in comparison to a wedding. This dilemma really sounds more like you're bummed that you so far don't have your parents on board to pay for the WEDDING that you want.

 

If you're really adults and ready to build a life together and make your own family, stand up to your parents. Tell them you're living together and you will be getting married. You are only stuck between your parents because you are letting it happen.

[martinjack]

I think you should discuss with your boy friend about this matter that he must talk to his mom, Hope everything will be fine soon.

[aerogurl87]

I agree with TM and tigressA, if you really want to marry this guy, you two would be married. I mean, you are already defying both of your parents by living together secretly and you said that after you get their blessing to marry you could careless what his mom thinks or says. Well if that's the case, why not just come out and tell them the truth and get married with or without their blessing. If you really love him and he really loves you, it wouldn't be a problem.

 

I moved in with my boyfriend against both of our parents' wishes. We're also saving up to pay for our own wedding in about two years' time. It won't be extravagent, but it will be the wedding we want and we will get it with or without our parents' blessing. And the fact that you're in your twenties is no excuse. My boyfriend is 19 and I'm 21 and if we can do it after working minimum wage jobs and managing to keep a long distance relationship thriving for a year during that time, you can do put your foot down to his mom and your parents.

[purplesky]

Hi everyone, thanks for your thoughtful comments.

 

He has been talking to his mom - actually it's more like he has been arguing back and forth with them, but we are still no where closer to planning a wedding.

 

I understand what you guys say about just getting married without a wedding, and coming clean with our parents about our living situation. I would be breaking my mom's heart if I did that, especially since I'm her oldest daughter and she has been wanting to see us get married for a long time. It would also be offensive to my parents, because if I get married without a wedding, to them it means that I 'gave myself up for nothing' - it's a shameful thing, is what I'm trying to say. We have had my parents support and blessing every step of the way and I just don't want to screw up our relationship with them, too.

 

TaraMaiden, you made some pretty good points. I AM unsure about whether or not I want to start my life like this! If we are having so many problems with his mom to begin with, what's gonna happen once we get married? Is she gonna try to tell us where to live, when to have kids, etc etc? I love him with all my heart, I really do; I have done things for him that I would never do for anyone else in a million years - not even for my own family. I have put 200% into our relationship since the first day and it just boggles my mind and breaks my heart to even think for a second that we won't be getting married. He has a good heart and has never done anything to hurt me; he has been the perfect fiance, companion, and lover. My parents love him like their own son. And I just can't imagine my life without him. At the same time, I can't imagine getting married without a wedding, without my family and relatives being there with us...

[RiverRunning]

Never mind.

[norajane]

She has specific and rather unrealistic expectations of what point he should be at in his career and what financial situation he should be in before he gets married. And I have a feeling that because he doesn't meet her "criteria", that she doesn't believe he is ready for marriage.

 

What do your parents think about this? Do they think you and he are in the right circumstances to get married?

 

How has your bf addressed this with his parents? Has he tried to talk with them about his plan for his life? What he wants and plans for his career, and how you (and a potential child) would fit into his plan? Maybe she needs to SEE that he is mature and thoughtful about the future and not just a romantic fool about to sign his life away.

 

I'm sure his mother is concerned that you will become pregnant shortly after marriage, and then his whole life will be about supporting a family. She will naturally want him to be financially stable first, rather than struggling to support a family.

 

Personally, I think you should talk with your parents about this. Since they want this marriage to happen, and since they are the same culture, perhaps they will have some guidance on how to address his mother's concerns.

[norajane]

double post

[RiverRunning]

What do your parents think about this? Do they think you and he are in the right circumstances to get married?

 

How has your bf addressed this with his parents? Has he tried to talk with them about his plan for his life? What he wants and plans for his career, and how you (and a potential child) would fit into his plan? Maybe she needs to SEE that he is mature and thoughtful about the future and not just a romantic fool about to sign his life away.

 

I'm sure his mother is concerned that you will become pregnant shortly after marriage, and then his whole life will be about supporting a family. She will naturally want him to be financially stable first, rather than struggling to support a family.

 

Personally, I think you should talk with your parents about this. Since they want this marriage to happen, and since they are the same culture, perhaps they will have some guidance on how to address his mother's concerns.

 

 

 

I agree with this. There's an obvious issue with maturity on his end if he can't approach his mother, set out his outline for his life, and SHOW her that he is mature enough to marry. There's also the issue of a supposedly grown man deferring to his mother when he should be showing he's mature and capable on his own. No wonder the mother is showing her disapproval - it sounds like she knows he's not ready. And he's a 23-year-old man - how many men really ARE ready at that age? It sounds like this guy's no different.

 

But I would for sure not grovel and beg my parents for their approval or their cash to pay for a wedding. My feeling is if you can't afford to hold your own wedding...you probably shouldn't marry.

 

A cousin of mine had his ceremony at a park around here. They rented a small pavilion overlooking the water and held the reception under another pavilion last September. A small, local caterer provided barbecued food. The decorations were minimal. Someone brought a stereo to play all the music. It was a nice affair that cost about $1000 altogether. It doesn't have to be "big ceremony" or "no wedding at all." Between the two of you, over the next year, I'm sure you could raise $1 - $2k for a small wedding, if indeed that's what you want.

 

But you're right to start wondering about this. You guys have been together presumably since high school (based on how long you've dated and your state post-college). You've put a lot of time into this guy. And he's still not presenting himself as a man, but as his mother's child.

 

Has his mother always been problematic? Is she overinvolved in his life? You have to keep this in mind for your future. When you are planning your family or whatever else, is she going to overstep? Is she going to try and tell him what to do? Or is he going to insulate his family from her influence, making it clear to both his mother and his family that he's capable of handling his own family?