midkirby Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Have been in LDR for 7 months. We live one hour apart. I did all of the commuting, because he couldn't come to my house due to allergy to cats. We would spend every weekend together, up until the last couple. He was acting strange and I asked what was wrong. He has only been separated for two years, divorced for one. He said that I have so many positive things going on in my life and he has nothing. He asked me many questions about an old relationship of mine, whereby I left. He even asked if I was engaged to the man. He has told me that he can't read my texts if he knows I am mad, because he is scared to. Really? I have never yelled or called him a name ever. Anyway, he stated that he was confused and hasn't been in this position for years. (wife left after almost two decades of marriage). I suggested no contact, until he figures out what he wants. He wouldn't agree to it, because of confusion. We did it anyway. He also said it wasn't fair that I did all of the driving, and that one day, I will resent him for that. We agreed to not see anyone during his time and the last text he sent was that he loved me. Also, in the 7 months, we would talk on the phone every night. I just don't understand this no contact thing. I know for a fact that he loves me, without a doubt. He also stated that he is not seeing anyone else and that he wouldn't hurt me like that. I haven't received a text for two nights and haven't talked since Wednesday night (four days ago). This is really painful. Does anyone have any suggestions, please? Link to post Share on other sites
sirens_song Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I'm sorry that you're hurting. I've been in a situation similar to this, in regards to the 'no communication' while trying to figure things out. Logically, it sounds like a good idea to not communicate for a while until everything is 'figured out', however, think about this: how can you figure things out without both people in the relationship DISCUSSING the issues? You really can't. In all honesty, the situation doesn't sound good. He seems to have a lot of emotional problems and perhaps some baggage from his last marriage. And he is asking about your old relationship?? That is basically him being incredibly insecure. He is thinking about other men that you've been with and dragging up old crap. Also, him mentioning that you may resent him for all of the driving you're doing is bogus. To me it sounds as if he is saying that to sound nice, when really he is just looking for an excuse to end things. I have been in 2 long distance relationships. One was with a guy that lives in Australia (lasted 7 months) another was with a guy that lives in California, about a 6 hr flight from me (lasted 6 months). Long distance relationships CAN work, but only if both members are willing and enthusiastic to make them work. There has to be passion, love, and freedom. It just doesn't sound like he's really trying to make this work. I don't know what his reasons are, but you need to figure out if this is what you really want. Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I'm sorry to seem as though I'm reducing your situation... but one hour apart? That's longer than my commute to work. Why did you go no contact rather than discussing the problem? Why did you do all of the driving all the time? Does he have a car and an ability to meet you half way during the week? Last thing... how is he going to work with the allergies to cats? It is a problem that would most definitely manifest in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 You mean one hour away is LESS than your commute to work? My partner used to commute 2 hours to work, I agree one hour doesn't seem much, and I do have problems with calling r/ships like that LD, when most of us live several hours or even days apart and don't see each other for weeks/months, but I guess for younger people it might seem like a lot. If I was seeing someone once a week it wouldn't seem long distance to me, it would seem wonderful, I would love to see my OH once a week I realise for some people though that they might not be able to afford to see their partner even if they're only one hour apart, that would be frustrating. I'm sorry to seem as though I'm reducing your situation... but one hour apart? That's longer than my commute to work. Why did you go no contact rather than discussing the problem? Why did you do all of the driving all the time? Does he have a car and an ability to meet you half way during the week? Last thing... how is he going to work with the allergies to cats? It is a problem that would most definitely manifest in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 You suggested no contact, so I don't understand why you're confused about him not getting in touch??? >I suggested no contact, until he figures out what he wants. He wouldn't agree to it, because of confusion. We did it anyway. He also said it wasn't fair that I did all of the driving, and that one day, I will resent him for that. We agreed to not see anyone during his time and the last text he sent was that he loved me. Also, in the 7 months, we would talk on the phone every night. I just don't understand this no contact thing. < Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 You mean one hour away is LESS than your commute to work? My partner used to commute 2 hours to work, I agree one hour doesn't seem much, and I do have problems with calling r/ships like that LD, when most of us live several hours or even days apart and don't see each other for weeks/months, but I guess for younger people it might seem like a lot. If I was seeing someone once a week it wouldn't seem long distance to me, it would seem wonderful, I would love to see my OH once a week I realise for some people though that they might not be able to afford to see their partner even if they're only one hour apart, that would be frustrating. Yes, meant to say less than :-) Hell, before my boyfriend went abroad for a year, it took him an hour to get from his house to my house via the subway and that was only a 5 mile distance. I once was dating someone a 2.5 hour drive away and even then, did not consider it a long distance relationship since we were successfully able to alternate weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Yep, the term 'long distance' does seem to be used much too readily sometimes! Yes, meant to say less than :-) Hell, before my boyfriend went abroad for a year, it took him an hour to get from his house to my house via the subway and that was only a 5 mile distance. I once was dating someone a 2.5 hour drive away and even then, did not consider it a long distance relationship since we were successfully able to alternate weekends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author midkirby Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 I understand that people wouldn't consider this long distance....but we still only saw each other on weekend because we didn't live close enough to travel during the work week. It might sound like I wanted the no contact....but he was headed in that direction as I viewed it. Since that time of original post. We have kept in touch via text only. The last text being over a week ago...which was a bad idea. I told him that I think about him every morning when I wake up. He responded by saying that he thinks about me every hour of every day. I attempted to further text to see if he was up to reconcialling, as he agreed earlier to drive my things to me instead of mailing them. I sent a few more textx and he stopped responding anymore (it was around midnight). He sent one to me the next day saying he went to a bar to watch his friend play in band (which is the truth I know) and got home late at night and read my texts and was more sad and missed me. I decided to send email saying that I can't hear how much he misses me because it gives me false hope. Told him to mail my stuff because I can't handle seeing him. Told him that my behavior is not me and I don't respect myself for sounding so desperate. Told him I won't contact anymore and apologized for bringing emotional. I am dealing with this better but have my moments. I am sticking by NC and if he changes his mind...I would think about going back because I love him. Am I an idiot. Why does he tell me he thinks about me every hour of the day and stops texting to go out. Thanks for your time Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I understand that people wouldn't consider this long distance....but we still only saw each other on weekend because we didn't live close enough to travel during the work week. It might sound like I wanted the no contact....but he was headed in that direction as I viewed it. Since that time of original post. We have kept in touch via text only. The last text being over a week ago...which was a bad idea. I told him that I think about him every morning when I wake up. He responded by saying that he thinks about me every hour of every day. I attempted to further text to see if he was up to reconcialling, as he agreed earlier to drive my things to me instead of mailing them. I sent a few more textx and he stopped responding anymore (it was around midnight). He sent one to me the next day saying he went to a bar to watch his friend play in band (which is the truth I know) and got home late at night and read my texts and was more sad and missed me. I decided to send email saying that I can't hear how much he misses me because it gives me false hope. Told him to mail my stuff because I can't handle seeing him. Told him that my behavior is not me and I don't respect myself for sounding so desperate. Told him I won't contact anymore and apologized for bringing emotional. I am dealing with this better but have my moments. I am sticking by NC and if he changes his mind...I would think about going back because I love him. Am I an idiot. Why does he tell me he thinks about me every hour of the day and stops texting to go out. Thanks for your time Still, sorry for reducing it a bit. The problems you have seem more like relationship problems and less like long distance relationship problems. One of my ex's lived only 5 miles away. Due to parking limitations in both of our neighborhoods, it took an hour and a half to get to him by subway/bus/walking combination. On a lighter note, isn't it more of a problem that he's allergic to your cat(s)? Usually people with pet allergies attempt to date and find a long term relationship with folks who do not have said animals in their homes. I digress. What you have seems to be a combination insecurity on his part and inability to accurately communicate on both of yours. You're doing way too much texting. Text messages are a horrible way to communicate with a romantic partner for anything more than informational msg's. As for your last statement... why would he text you when he goes out? That would be rude and dismissive to the people who is going out with... You might want some closure in the end, which requires contact. And I'm not talking about email/txt/phone contact. Get some face to face and work things out or end things maturely. That's my advice. In the meantime... /hug Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 So you didn't really want to go NC, you just thought that it was for the best in the circumstances? It does sound like the best thing. It doesn't sound like the distance is a problem, it's more that he's confused about what he wants anyway, he's not been divorced long after a long marriage. He hasn't said he wanted to see more of you has he, and that the distance was the problem? If he HAS said that, I would still find that hard to believe because if a couple truly want to be together then an hour between isn't going to stop them, unless it's teenagers who really can't afford it. If he has no intentions of being with you then he shouldn't dangle hope in front of you by saying how much he misses you, that is just cruel. If he said he'd made a mistake and says he wants you back I think you'd only be an 'idiot' if you knew nothing had changed and that you knew deep down it wasn't going to work. You don't need to apologise to him for being emotional, but I personally wouldn't show him those emotions anymore. I would go totally NC, no texts, nothing, it makes it easier in the long run, trust me, after an 18 year r/ship it was the only thing which helped me let go and move on, I had 6 or 7 months of hellish limbo while I was still meeting up with him and wanting him back. I stopped all contact for a few weeks and was able to let go of wanting him back, I was able to be with friends with him after that and I'm now with someone else (and still friends with my ex). Good luck to you, I know it isn't easy! I understand that people wouldn't consider this long distance....but we still only saw each other on weekend because we didn't live close enough to travel during the work week. It might sound like I wanted the no contact....but he was headed in that direction as I viewed it. Since that time of original post. We have kept in touch via text only. The last text being over a week ago...which was a bad idea. I told him that I think about him every morning when I wake up. He responded by saying that he thinks about me every hour of every day. I attempted to further text to see if he was up to reconcialling, as he agreed earlier to drive my things to me instead of mailing them. I sent a few more textx and he stopped responding anymore (it was around midnight). He sent one to me the next day saying he went to a bar to watch his friend play in band (which is the truth I know) and got home late at night and read my texts and was more sad and missed me. I decided to send email saying that I can't hear how much he misses me because it gives me false hope. Told him to mail my stuff because I can't handle seeing him. Told him that my behavior is not me and I don't respect myself for sounding so desperate. Told him I won't contact anymore and apologized for bringing emotional. I am dealing with this better but have my moments. I am sticking by NC and if he changes his mind...I would think about going back because I love him. Am I an idiot. Why does he tell me he thinks about me every hour of the day and stops texting to go out. Thanks for your time Link to post Share on other sites
Author midkirby Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I appreciate all the advice. I do agree that it was too soon after his divorce. When we did split up, he said he didn't know if it was due to it being too soon, or too fast or scared. He did say that he loved me and I believe him. I just couldn't understand him telling me that he thinks about me every hour of every day and not trying to get back together. I agree that he has communication issues as I repeatedly asked to meet with him but he wouldn't give me a date or time so I couldn't wait any longer. Anytime I bring up talking on phone, he wants to keep it to texting. I had no other choice but to do what I did. if he were to come to me and ask for us to get back together and that he was wrong, I would try again. I don't see him doing that. He did want to come to my area to return my belongings from his house, but I said that would be too painful and asked him to mail it. Still waiting for that package. Why won't he just mail it to me? It has been 4 weeks since our split. Thanks again for everyones advice. It really helps me see things more clearly Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts