Goodbye letter?

[sveltskye]

I just wrote a final letter to my ex, who broke up with me this week after three months of dating. He was going through a divorce while we were dating and broke up with me unexpectedly, then turned around and reconsidered, texting me the next day. We talked things over for about a week, with me trying to convince him to hang on to it for a bit longer and give us a chance. Initially the reason we broke up was that he was afraid he wouldn't want to get married and thought that I wanted to. I thought about it and decided it didn't have to be a deal breaker, if it wasn't a mask for "I don't want to date you because I'm scared". Unfortunately that's what it really was, as he thought about it a little longer and then contacted me (again!) to say he was sorry it didn't work out. I told him I didn't understand his reasoning for thinking it wouldn't work out and he basically said he didn't himself either.

He had asked me when we were on the fence why I liked him and why I thought we could work out, saying he needed "guarantees". The letter I wrote answers those questions more fully, as well as just telling him how grateful I am for the way he treated me. I told him that there's no guarantees in life, but explain why I had thought we had a fighting chance.

Now I'm a pretty grounded person, but I also try to keep my feet firmly on the ground. I don't really expect a letter to change someone's mind when its made up. I'm wondering if I should even send it. I think the main reason is that it will give me the peace of knowing that I said what I really thought and explained it well. And that I didn't end things on a sour note if we never talk again.

Do you think a goodbye letter is ever send-able? I am not planning on sending anything else or contacting him again (if I even send this)

Edited May 22, 2011 by sveltskye

[smudge21]

I sent my ex the goodbye letter but only when I truly totally fully 100% understood the reasons for doing so - and that was because I loved her, but knew I could never be with her. I could be her friend, but that's not what I wanted. She simply didn't feel the same way and seeing her or even hearing from her was too much to handle. Saying goodbye was my only choice, and it also put a stop to her contacting me too as after receiving it she tried to keep the friendship but then agreed to part ways. That was 8 weeks ago.

 

The letter also gave me the opportunity to say how I truly felt about her, all the stuff I never could say before. It was, in my eyes, my final chance, so I just said everything that needed to be said. I have no idea how she took it, whether she thought about it, deleted it after one read through, cried or laughed... I don't know, and I will never know. Sadly she's no longer part of my life, but I know I will always have feelings for her.

 

I guess my point is, if you send a goodbye letter, make sure it's for the right reasons and make sure you put in it everything you need to say - you only get one chance at saying goodbye. Don't expect it to bring someone back or change someones mind. If that's what you want to happen, then it's clear you're not ready to say goodbye.

[sveltskye]

Well, I'd be lying if there wasn't a little part of me that wishes it would make him think about things more. But it really is the last thing I'm going to send, and I don't really believe it will change his mind. I'm not trying to argue him into dating me again or change his mind. Thanks for the thoughts, I actually think what you said is very true.

[smudge21]

Really hope it works out for you. Just make sure you put what exactly is on your mind into that letter, as this is your one and only chance. Don't send it and think you should or shouldn't have said that...

 

I bet your ex gets in touch when you send that, but stick to what you say and stay strong. Let me know how it goes.

[sveltskye]

Aw, thank you Smudge. I have been thinking really hard about what I wrote and am gonna wait a little to send the letter so I know that I really am saying it the best way, since it likely will be the last thing I get to say. There's a couple questions he asked me that I never got answer thoroughly, and I also want to tell him how grateful I am for how he treated me. If I think anything I could say would change his mind I would have tried, but if its not meant to be its not.

[smudge21]

Totally the way I felt when I sent my goodbye email. It was clear I was kidding myself into believing she would be anything more than a friend ever again and the thought of her back with her long term ex (fiance now) was killing me.

 

Sending the email was hard, but the few texts afterwards were harder when it was clear she didn't want to lose contact with me, but didn't feel the same way I did. At least this time I can hold my head high and say that I did tell her exactly how I truly felt and how much she meant to me. I've walked away from true love before without ever doing that and so regretted it at the time. I didn't make the same mistake this time. Sure, it never changed anything and I doubt I'll see her again, but in my mind, she knows that she was loved by me and that she did mean the world to me.

[sveltskye]

That's kind of sweet, smudge. I know what you mean. It takes guts to say what you feel, but its also kind of peaceful.

 

I feel pretty sure my letter's as good as its gonna get, so I think I'll send it soon.

[smudge21]

Good luck with it. Just be ready in case you get some contact. I was so tempted to say "okay then" when she clearly didn't want to lose my friendship, but I couldn't. Plus, if you do go back after sending a goodbye letter, what's changed? Also you can never send a second goodbye letter, so it has to mean something.

 

I like to think that my ex still has the email and may even occasionally read it - I always got the feeling she's never been truly loved before. It's a nice thought to keep hold of.

[NicoleM]

I did the good-bye letter thing but nothing ever happened which I kinda expected to be quite honest. I left the door open just a crack when I wrote the good-bye letter saying if you want to work on this let me know ( he never did) I will say this I felt 100 percent better letting him know how I felt and just knowing if he had maybe read one sentence he would know how terrible of a person he really was. Sometimes you got to let it all out and even if he doesn't write you back just knowing you finally got to say what you have been feeling for a long time really makes things better. Also remember you might not hear anything back from him and even if you do things might be weird just a heads up. It's a 50/50 chance when you send a letter.

Edited May 26, 2011 by NicoleM

[sveltskye]

Well, I worded pretty carefully in the letter to avoid dragging it out. I didn't say "write back if you want to talk or be friends" or "I never want to hear from you again". I just said (in not these exact words, but basically) "I won't be contacting you again, but if and only if you ever think things over and feel differently about our potential, I am willing to reopen the dialogue." Hopefully it was as clear as I could get it. I've had several friends read it over and tell me they thought it was really good, but of course with the same warning you gave me: don't expect him to answer (but if he does be prepared to deal with the implications- lol). So yea, I feel pretty ready to send it off. Just waiting on one more friend to tell me what she thought.

[smudge21]

Hmm, I'm not a friend of yours so maybe I can be a bit more honest with you. I am concerned about leaving any doors open on a goodbye letter, that makes it more a 'see you later' letter.

 

I think the whole purpose of saying goodbye is because it's final and there is nothing more. If you hint at a chance of getting things back together then in a way you're telling them that you're going but not for good. Even after everything that has happened you're saying you're still there for them.

 

My goodbye was totally that, a goodbye. I knew that if I'd said "maybe we can see each other some time later when I no longer feel this strongly" then there's every chance she'd have read that as "ah right, he's only going away for a while, fair enough, I'll see him later". But because it was goodbye and I made that clear when she texted to ask about it, I know it made my intentions clear. It told her that I love her, that I couldn't pretend not to, and that I couldn't sit back and just be her friend when I wanted her so much. Saying goodbye really enhanced everything I felt about her and showed how strongly I really did feel for her. The last thing I wanted was her thinking I was just saying that in passing - my feelings were that strong and I wanted her to know it. My love for her was that powerful in my mind that my only solution was to say goodbye, for ever.

 

Of course, every situation is different but if you really do want to say goodbye then say goodbye, don't leave any doors open as they may not take the goodbye as seriously as you mean it.

[smudge21]

Obviously by not a friend, I meant in person... I'm still friendly...

[sveltskye]

No, I think you misunderstand, smudge. I only left the door open if he thought it over and changed his mind about our dating potential. I basically stated that. Otherwise, it is a goodbye letter. Anyways, he obviously took is as a goodbye letter and didn't get the point about not writing back with chit chat, cause he wrote back and said "Thanks, and I hope you find happiness in your life overall cause you deserve it". That basically tells me more about its finality than just saying sayanora would, IMO. So, like I said in the letter I'm not gonna respond anymore.

[smudge21]

Well, like me, now it's time to think about yourself and do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied. Stay strong even when those feelings of temptation strike (they always do) and stay no contact.

 

It's been 8 weeks since my goodbye and I still think about her but I know that I will never contact her directly again, and I'm pretty sure she's moved on totally too. Sad in many ways, but also better for me in the long run.

 

Now that that door has been closed I'm just looking for the other one that has opened... haven't found it yet.

[sveltskye]

Yea, that's true, thanks smudge. I agree and I will not contact him again. He knows how to email me if he ever changes his mind.

[smudge21]

Well just to add this into the mix, but my ex just sent me a friend request on FB. I can't add her, I know that, but I also don't feel like just ignoring her. We left as friends so I don't want to be rude - I'm thinking a quick "sorry, can't add you - you know why".

 

So I guess I'm saying be prepared for anything. I wasn't ready for her to send a friend request (you run through your mind everything they may do, or you want them to do, but it's always something different that actually happens).

[sveltskye]

Well, smudge, I'd just say trust your instincts. If you don't feel ready for her to be a fb friend, then you probably aren't. I think saying that is totally appropriate. As for my guy, I made it clear he can contact me *if* he rethinks us dating. He probably won't, but I'm not worried about him contacting me for a while at least.

[smudge21]

Due to the bond we had, I knew she'd get in touch in some way. I guess you still think your ex will get in touch as well. Sadly it's unlikely either of us will get what we want though.

 

Spend the time you have now concentrating on yourself and healing. I feel quite good at the moment and even after this little bit of contact, I feel fine about it. Guess I'm healing well, but still not ready to just be friends.

[sveltskye]

I don't think anything really. Its possible, but I'm not expecting it. I just wanted to make sure that if he did get in touch it would be clear that it would be because he was considering dating me again, not to start a "hi how are you doing" kind of friendship that would leave me disappointed.

And yea, I have been doing well and concentrating on myself. Good advice.

[smudge21]

I thought the same over mine - that after the goodbye email where I told her how much I loved her, I generally thought that if she did get in touch, it would be because she's had a change of heart. Sadly, it wasn't the case. I replied to her friend request saying that nothing has changed and that I still felt the same way and couldn't go back to just being her friend. Her reply was simple "xxx". Sadly she's not one for dealing well with emotions from what I've seen of her, so this response is kinda' typical - she may have thought about what to respond with, but unlikely she'd ever put it down. So anyways, although part of me was hoping something had changed, it's clear she was just testing the water, but I can take away from this that at least I'm still in her thoughts...

 

Your ex may do the same - get in touch - but sadly it may just be the same thing, bread crumbs and testing the water. Be prepared for that as I will say that just that little bit of contact has dug up some memories and feelings and I do feel kinda' down right now. I'm hoping 2 months of NC haven't gone to waste...