Full of broken thoughts - can i repair?

[maria gostrey]

so, for some reason, as an attractive 24 for year old a year out of college, i have wound up in a situation where i have no friends. in fact, i never really had friends- at least, i have not during the past 8 years that i have lived in the U.S.

 

i spent the two years of high school i attended here as a phantom. nobody knew me- i didnt know anyone. i spent lunch time at the library or in the school bathrooms. i made like 2 friends but both were socially awkward and weird and not the kind of people i wanted to hang out with. those i wanted to hang out with, i felt i wasn't good enough to approach. so i kept myself away and ended up in a self defeated prophecy where i was a loner. my lack of a social life affected my grades- almost flunked out because i was so depressed. studying was farr farr from my mind. all i wanted was friends and to fit in and belong.

 

after graduating i promptly enrolled in community college.i was more depressed than ever because i wanted the traditional four year college experience but i messed up my one shot to do it by screwing up high school. also, the ghetto-street smart crowd was so foreign and alien to me. i was hesitant to make friends and simply didn't even know how to make friends. 2 years later i graduated with like 2 friends and without having experienced anything kids my age did.

 

i transferred to a four year university after, and things didn't improve much at all. i had by this point missed out on the two years worth of heavy socializing experience everyone else on the campus had participated in. to make matters worse, my housing situation didn't help even though i had opted to live in a dorm just to meet more people. i chose to live in university owned apts for upperclassmen where i thought id be forced to mingle and socialize with others. turned out people who lived in university apt were either socially inept or wanted to live with their friends. i ended up living with a wild party girl who was never around and a awkward hermit who never left her room. i was new on campus, stuck in an apartment with two strange girls who hindered rather than helped my socializing. i didn't know anyone and i didnt know how to get to know people. my social ineptness was definitely pronounced now and i was scared of making a fool of myself; i withdrew myself into my room and spent hours on the computer.

 

next year things got a bit better- i hung out with my new roommate and her friends but she was always awkward about me not having any friends in college even though i was there a year before. this year was definitely better than my last 3 years of college but i didnt have time to seriously bond with people and it went by in a blur.

 

so here i am 4 years after college- which is supposed to be the easiest time to socialize-without friends or any romantic relationships. i constantly beat myself up over my social ineptness and how i missed the amazing social opportunities presented to me during that time. i am hurting with tons of regret and am so depressed over it i can't get out of bed some days. i feel like a lost hopeless case because i have missed out on soooo much socializing that i can't possibly have enough to make up for all i've lost and catch up with other people.

 

please help. how can i start to FINALLY build a social life for myself? i don't want to miss out on life anymore. i want to live and laugh.i want friends and love and to belong to a community . i will suffocate and wither away if i keep going on like this...

[GingerCookie]

I just wrote a response and then accidentally erased it:( So this will be quick but I wanted to comment.

My heart goes out to you. I know where you are and have felt the deep sadness of not having friends. I've had friends, lost friends and then I fell silent for 4 years and cried when I saw friends together laughing and going for lunch and doing things I wish I had someone to do with. I just want to tell you it's possible to make friends. I'm in my mid 30's and am starting to make new friends again.

The first thing you have to do is believe in yourself. Second, believe that all those doors that shut in the past was God protecting you, keeping you on the path to your greatest life, and helping you grow and to experience some ups and downs. You're past is a way to reflect on what you want for the better not to beat yourself up.

This is what I did, although it won't be the same for you, this is where I started and built myself up from there. I made some stupid choices in my life and ended up ashamed and drowning in insecurity. I did not want to talk to anyone for fear of their judgement. Finally after years of feeling isolated and the pain from lack of communication I decided to force myself to open up. I did, and I went all the way to the point of confessing all my past to a group of people ( like a recovery group). It helped but not all the way. I then had to forgive myself and accept myself and stop beating myself up. I had to accept where I was and be happy with it. As soon as I started thanking God for EVERYTHING and really being grateful, I began to talk freely to people and opened my heart and my life up to them. If they chose to respond, great, we'll talk again, if not, then I'm sorry they're not meant to be in my life at this point. I've just started communicating with people regularly and being open enough to talk nonchalantly about my situation. I took one topic we have in common and am focusing on it and as time goes on I'm sure I'll get to know more about them and we can build on the rest!

Try to find something that you love to do or are interested in and get involved in a group. Then start small talk, ask questions about them and their life, offer information about yourself but always keep in mind you may have something about your life that may be of use for them. The first time I met my newest friend we were leaving church and she was crying, but we were walking down the street together and I just felt I should say hi. So I did, she apologized about crying because she couldn't stop and I was feeling really uncomfortable but did the best I could to encourage her. Come to find out she and I have something in common, 2 boys who are strong willed and very hard to handle! She's started a parenting group which not only will help her but now that I know her, I get to be involved too and we both benefit from the advice and support of other parents!

Life's going to get better, just step out of your comfort zone, love yourself and believe that God made you special and has given you a life no one else has lived. He loves you and I believe in you!

[yoonie16]

I feel what you are going through in a way Maria. When I look at my life I don't have much friends either. If I got married tomorrow, I wouldn't know who to invite or who would even be my best man. I had friends in high school and was fairly social, but kept myself distant from everyone after I graduated for some reason. I'm not socially awkward or anything, but I just have some insecurities that effect me from hanging out with a bunch of people. I'd prefer staying in than going out, but like you said, it gets suffocating after a while.

 

One way to meet new people is to get a job! I think work is a great place to meet new friends. Albeit they might not become your BFF, but they could open the door to meet more new people. Try applying to places that employee a large staff.

 

What I personally do to break out of my funk is just contact some old friends. Since I have some buddies that like basketball, I just ask if they want to catch a game at a bar somewhere. If you have any friends that share some of your interests, use that as a way to hang out! It's all about initiating the contact first. If they aren't interested, don't beat yourself up and start questioning why they don't want to hang out. Just move on and go to plan B. I know it's easier said than done, but if you go into something without much expectations, the less you'll be disappointed.

 

You could also meet new people by joining some local interest groups. I've used a website called meetup.com and it's pretty cool. Not too sure where you're from, but in California there are a ton of groups with all sorts of interests.

 

It really seems like you do have confidence in yourself though and that's a GREAT thing. It's also great that you have the desire to make new friends. Convert that desire into actions and you'll have some friends in no time. Remember, it's about quality over quantity. Don't think that you have to have a group of friends to be happy. Most of the time, it just takes 1 or 2 people to change your life.

 

 

Btw, CONGRATS ON TRANSFERRING TO A 4 YEAR! I know how difficult that is and I really applaud you for doing that! If you ever need a person to talk to, feel free to shoot me a message

 

Toodles