The short list

[greengoddess]

I did not want to threadjack another thread.

 

It was brought up that I would not find a cheater attractive. It is not a trait I want in a man.

 

The point is what would be on your short list of attributes for a partner for you and without those it would be a no go.

 

1. physical fitness/cleanliness

2. honesty/integrity

3. loves animals (silly one I know but I can not be with someone who dislikes animals.

4. shows compassion

 

Honesty and integrity are on my short list of MUST have for me to be in a relationship with someone. If I believe them not to have integrity or be honest then it's a no.

[datura_noir]

I have my standards, and they are:

 

1. All my dates must have a chin

2. They must be single and have a steady employment background

3. They must also have one thing about them that annoys me (a small thing or quirk)

 

I'm an easy date! But wait-I'm married! However, if I were single, these still stand!

[Silly_Girl]

I did not want to threadjack another thread.

 

It was brought up that I would not find a cheater attractive. It is not a trait I want in a man.

 

The point is what would be on your short list of attributes for a partner for you and without those it would be a no go.

 

1. physical fitness/cleanliness

2. honesty/integrity

3. loves animals (silly one I know but I can not be with someone who dislikes animals.

4. shows compassion

 

Honesty and integrity are on my short list of MUST have for me to be in a relationship with someone. If I believe them not to have integrity or be honest then it's a no.

 

Lot of words to say what you wanted to say gg

 

My boyfriend cheated on his wife, I understand why that happened, in his circumstances I do not feel I am so perfect as to be judge and jury on him, on one set of behaviour of his 40 otherwise straight years, and I do believe him to be an honest man, with integrity. I value honesty above the rest of your shortlist.

[seren]

Can I join too, even though I have my shortlist already filled??

 

A good and caring heart (of course honesty and integrity, but s*** happens)

Makes me laugh and not afraid to laugh at himself

Wants to dance in the kitchen to the music in our heads

Love my animals and of course kids (not all kids are loveable)

Gets me and my occasional oddness

Floats my boat, muchly (sexual attraction is a must)

Is clean.

 

If I was ever single, these would be on my list, but also know that as time goes on, the list has blurred edges and changes. However, floating of boats is a necessity.

[OWoman]

My shortlist has also been filled (and my lonnnnnglist ) but the following are absolute non-negotiables:

 

1) good set of values

2) open-mindedness and progressive attitudes

3) love for animals, and nature, and the environment

4) intelligence, humour and creativity

5) fires my rocket and is a great lover

6) self-knowledge, introspection and reflection but not self-absorbed or prone ot adolescent intensity

7) at home in his body

8) has good, lasting social relationships and is respected at work

9) is an achiever, has ambition but not at all costs, and has work/life balance

10) has up-for-it-ness and a sense of fun and adventure

[Breezy Trousers]

My husband and I were asking each other what we loved about each other. This is what I love about my husband (in no particular order):

 

1. His intellectual curiosity. After 22 yrs, we're still not one of those couples who stares at the wall while eating together. We're always gabbing about life, current events, philosophies, books. We intellectually challenge each other, too.

 

2. His nurturing. He's always doing things to express his love (even when I don't deserve it), is always working on our relationship, and he's very sexy and giving in bed. Last week I mentioned I liked a silk floral arrangement we purchased and wanted another one like it for the office. Just a passing thought. My husband spent an hour online looking for the artisan. It was unsuccessful, so he sent a real floral arrangement to the office, instead. Very giving.

 

3. His spirituality/self-awareness. He's not religious but is always working on himself. Sometimes that means not supporting my crap, so it forces me to work on myself, too.

 

4. His sly sense of humor. The only person who made me laugh as often was his mom.

 

5. His openness. I felt I could talk to him about my attraction to MM. Maybe not the brightest idea in the end, but my husband patiently talked to me about my love fog like a friend who has "been there, done that" about it. (And, trust me -- he has! lol) He didn't like our discussions at the time, sighed and rolled his eyes a lot and set boundaries around my discussing it, but he never threw chairs or threatened to leave me. I've also discussed the possibility of having negotiated monogamy/polyamory with him because I felt I was inexperienced and didn't want to "miss out" on sexual experiences before tumbling into full-fledged middle age. We challenged my perceptions and decided we weren't cut out for the lifestyle anyway, but at least we had some interesting discussions about it.

 

6. His stability. We've been together 22 years. He's been at his place of employment for nearly three decades .... I laugh at him because when he starts a book, he stays with it even if he doesn't wholly like it because he can always find some redeeming quality in it. Maybe that's not such a bad characteristic.

 

7. He's a full partner in that he helps around the house all the time, always without my asking -- actually does lots more than I do lately because of my work hours. He's a full partner, not a king. He believes women should work but women should also be supported -- and visa-versa.

 

Writing this only underscores for me how powerful love fog with MM was to make me want to give this REALITY in exchange for a fantasy that proved to be unstable and unkind in the end.

 

It's a myth that people who have affairs are unhappily married. My husband has always been this way with me, except for 6-8 weeks when he was in intense love fog with 2nd OW back in 2001. I still wanted to have an affair in 2008 for selfish reasons. Fact is, I thought MM was hot & I wanted a roll in the hay with him. That was pretty much it.

[Silly_Girl]

It's a myth that people who have affairs are unhappily married. My husband has always been this way with me, except for 6-8 weeks when he was in intense love fog with 2nd OW back in 2001. I still wanted to have an affair in 2008 for selfish reasons. Fact is, I thought MM was hot & I wanted a roll in the hay with him. That was pretty much it.

 

It's happening again, the generalisations. Some men/women who have affairs are/were unhappily married. For some, that's not the case.

[Breezy Trousers]

It's happening again, the generalisations. Some men/women who have affairs are/were unhappily married. For some, that's not the case.

 

 

Good point, Silly. I stand corrected. However, I still think it's false that any cheating rests on an unhappy marriage. It's always about the cheater.

[greengoddess]

1. Physically fit/clean.

2. Be able to laugh at themselves and make me laugh.

3. A good person.

4. Love kids.

 

I don't think anyone thinks the act of infidelity and betrayal is attractive. I do, however, believe that people make allowances when they love someone and that people can do the right thing in the end.

 

A cheater can stop cheating and be honest and live with integrity; you see it in real life and you see it on the forum. Everyone can change. Everyone just doesn't.

 

And everyone has their own short list. Perhaps you would never forgive someone who cheated on you. But there are many BS's who do. And have a happier, richer M. It just depends on the individual.

 

To each, his own.

 

 

But the act of cheating would have put the brakes on for me right there. He was living a lie. He lied to his wife, he lied to his kids, his parents and siblings, his cowrokers and most especially you. He lived a lie as this married family man while sneaking off with you. His whole existance at the time is a lie. I could not begin a relationship that way. I need someone with honesty and integrity. I see that is not important to you and is not a part of your short list. My long list is much more and flexible but I NEED the short list to begin a relationship.

[FieldFlower]

My short list...

 

1. He has to act like I matter, that I'm important too.

2. He has to be attractive, to me.

 

and someone who says Gesundheit when I sneeze, but I prefer God Bless you...(gotta love Bridgette).

[crazycatlady]

My short list now doesn't not look anything like what my short list when I was single young and innocent (ha!).

 

His selfishness and his ego are just as important to me as his giving in bed, his great relationship with the kids, his pushing me to be my own person too.

 

The fact that he is human, and is trying, and makes mistakes...all are things that appeal to me. No, his humanness has made my life difficult. It has hurt me greatly. But you know, I'm human too. I need someone selfish to be with, because I have run over every other guy I dated before him. I learned I needed someone just a little selfish. His flaw helps me be a better person.

 

Everyone's short list is going to be different. What is important to one person, might not be to another. I hate lying with a passion, but other things are even more important. Which is why I am still with him.

[greengoddess]

I'm not an OW. I am married and I got my short list.

 

If I were you, I'd start working on developing some other skills because from what I see from your posts, your biggest accomplishment is that you can type.

 

A wedding does not erase how you came to be.

[greengoddess]

My short list now doesn't not look anything like what my short list when I was single young and innocent (ha!).

 

 

 

 

:laugh: yup the physically fit now was gorgeous and muscular then.

[NoIDidn't]

My short list now doesn't not look anything like what my short list when I was single young and innocent (ha!).

 

LOL. You can say that again.

 

His selfishness and his ego are just as important to me as his giving in bed, his great relationship with the kids, his pushing me to be my own person too.

 

I have always liked the men that others would consider cocky or arrogant. But how they are in bed would never have made it to my "short" list. The "long" one? Absolutely! LOL. But that was then. I might have to amend my "short" list should I ever find myself single again.

[crazycatlady]

LOL. You can say that again.

 

 

 

I have always liked the men that others would consider cocky or arrogant. But how they are in bed would never have made it to my "short" list. The "long" one? Absolutely! LOL. But that was then. I might have to amend my "short" list should I ever find myself single again.

 

When I was young, stupid, and innocent how they were in bed would never have made my short list either. I think I also stupidly assumed sex was just something you were always good at. Now that I am older, I see how important sex is in a relationship. Or rather, I see how bad sex can ruin a relationship. Good sex enhances, bad sex because of the focus of everything and just makes everything else worse. Relationships are hard enough to add bad sex to the mix.

 

But it is hard to consider the short list or even the long list right now.