What is This Dynamic?

[Frank13]

I have seen this type of thing posted many times and have been wondering about it myself as I feel the same.

 

We are missing our ex and we feel miserable. However, we know it is over. We know there is no chance of ever getting back together. Maybe they even have a new bf or gf. Then we get a sign that maybe they are missing us, or at least a little miserable too (a text, something on their Facebook, or something they say or do), and we suddenly feel much better and can move on.

 

However, when we feel they have moved on and aren't thinking of us, we can't seem to get over them. Why is this?

 

Some people will say it is a hit to our self esteem if they don't miss us and a boost to our ego if they do. Well if there is no chance of getting back together, why should this matter? After all, aren't we missing them because we miss them and want to be with them, and not how we feel about ourselves? Others say it is a matter of being in control, but this still doesn't change the fact we won't get back together, so if this is the case, why does being in control matter? Why does being empowered make us get over them easier? Does it give us hope (although false) that we now have the choice to get back together, if WE want to, so we can now move on? Kind of the reverse of wanting what we can't have?

 

In my case I was doing nc and I started feeling better. After a little while more I was doing really well and even saw her (but didn't talk to her). I thought it was going to set me back but it didn't. She looked a little sad and that made me feel better because I thought she was missing me (but why should I care if there is no chance of getting back togther?).

 

The next day I didn't see her (we work at the same place) but I heard her laughing real loud and that set me back to day one. It was like she was completely over me and as happy as could be now that I was out of her life. This set me back to day one and I have been stuck feeling this way for 10 days since. I could see it stinging a little, but why so much as to put me back to day one and keep me there for the past 10 days? I know we have good and bad days, but 10 bad days in a row when I was doing so well getting over her? Is it just that more time has passed which just makes me miss her more and I would have felt this way regardless?

 

I want her to be happy. I really do. However, the one thing that would help me the most to get unstuck and to get over her would be for her to send me a text saying something like "I know we can never be together but I am so miserable without you and miss you so much".

 

Is there actually a lot more to missing them than just missing them? Why is it so much easier to move on if we know they are having a hard time moving on too, but so much harder to move on if we think they already have?

 

If we could figure this out, it might help us to cope and move on because it doesn't make sense.

Edited May 23, 2011 by Frank13