He wants to sleep with other people

[esperanza]

I met a guy on the internet. He's in the middle of a divorce from a 2 1/2 year marriage. After several e-mails we spoke on the phone several times then met. After our intial meeting we had several dates in quick succession-- about 7 in a two week period.

 

We haven't had intercourse, but we have done lots of heavy petting. We talked about future plans that included travel and shopping for intimate toys. He called me his girlfriend. We planned an exploratory sexual relationship where we would get to know each others likes and dislikes-- learn the things that made each other crazy.

 

He took me out for my birthday on our two week anniversary, bought me the perfect gift, spent lots of money.

 

When I called to thank him for the birthday gift-- he couldn't talk because he was in the middle of moving. He said he'd call me later-- then didn't call for three days.

 

I freaked out and broke up with him via e-mail. He sent me two e-mails and was in the process of mailing me a snail-mail letter when I called him. We got back together and made a date to go hiking in the dessert that weekend we also made plans to spend the night together the following week.

 

Our hiking trip was just OK. He seemed irritiated when asked to pose for photographs and made a remarks indicating that he didn't consider me to be "mainstream". The date ended well with kissing and confirmation of our plans for later that week.

 

Two days before we planned to "consumate" our relationship he announced that we didn't have a committed monogamous relationship and that he wouldn't be jealous if I slept with other men and that he would be seeing other women. He said that he didn't want to feel guilty two weeks down the line and that he didn't want to hear recriminations or that he'd led me to believe that we were having an exclusive relationship.

 

He said we could still see each other platonically if I didn't want to sleep with him. He says that he's attracted to me but is willing to give up just about anything in order to avoid feeling guilt.

 

My first inclination was to tell him to go sleep with as many women as he could then call me in six months if he's still interested. I don't know if I can continue to see him either romantically or platonically knowing he's seeing other women. We've been on a break for several days-- no contact. I thought I'd made up my mind to let him go, but I can't bring myself to write or call.

 

I'm not in love with him, but I feel like he swept me off my feet then dumped me in a tub of ice water. His initial ardour and the promise of an ongoing intimate relationship were the most attractive things about him-- now that he's taken that away other guys are looking way more attractive.

 

What should I do?

[ThisGirlNameKD]

Get down on your knees and thank God you didn't sleep with him. Seriously. When you begin a new relationship, make sure that's one of the first questions you ask: Are you seeing anyone else? Do you want to see other people? Don't take for granted or assume that what you feel is what they feel also. If he never said the words "exclusive" or "committed" don't let your heart go there thinking that's what it is regardless of what he is doing. He was probably upset you both didn't have sex sooner.

[MustBeGoingCrazy]

Personally, if a guy isn't willing to see you, and only you, then he is probably wasting your time, especially if there is more to it.

 

Going on dates in high school, going to a movie, to a game, etc. was alright if you went with different people, but dating is really something entirely different. I don't think you can really give a relationship your all unless you are willing to.. well.. give it your all, not having others, IMO.

 

If you are just wanting someone to go out to dinner with, someone to have fun with now and again, then he sounds like fun, but it sounds to me like you are definately looking for more in a relationship. I would personally not get back with him less you were to be exclusive, and even at that, I would take it slow.

 

He sounds nice, since he came forward before you did anything, and made such an offer, however It would have been nicer had he made such a remark earlier into the starts of the relationship.

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, it doesn't sound like he made any promises. Although he could have handled things better, no doubt about that.

 

Secondly though, his behaviour is not surprising, given what else is going on in his life. He's going through a divorce, probably still has residual feelings for his TBXW, worried if he's rushing into things with you, has no idea what possibilities the dating world holds (he's probably thinking, "gee, I chose so badly last time around, better be careful about it this time").

 

So, what to do? Cut him some slack and don't take it too personally. I agree, it's best that you didn't get too involved with him. He's probably in an emotional quagmire right now. That being said, however, if you'd still like to try again with him at some point, keep that in mind but get out and date other people. He's got some serious issues to deal with from his marriage and divorce (understandably), and it's probably best if he's further along in that process before you get too involved with him. You want to be his girlfriend, not his counsellor.

[Pyrannaste]

*Please* let him go. very few people can have an open relationship and be happy with that, and you don't sound like one of them.

Your idea of telling him to call in 6 months if he's interested sounds cool, but it will make some sense only if you don't risk to end up stuck with his guy, hoping he'll call back after 6 months. It would be a nice idea only if you spent the 6 months not thinking about him, and finding a "nice guy" that is not a bogus.

but then, again, why not just stopping any contact with him?

don't agree to see him 'platonically', you'll end up with a broken heart.

[esperanza]

Thank you all for your advice. I've broken off our relationship with no mention of possibly seeing each other in the future.

 

Esperanza