confused about a 'friend'

[Nicci]

i have lived with my best friend for the last 2 years. who just happens to be a guy. we were always together and told each other everything. we even know each others social numbers by heart. because we were new in town we depended on each other for everything.

 

i would rush to come home just to tell him how my day had been. we could sit for hours and talk about nothing and still have a good time. i realize now that i am in love with him. but 3 weeks ago he stopped coming home. the only indication i have that he is still alive is an occasional dirty dish placed on the counter while i am at work. he has stopped talking to me and never comes home. he even turns off his cell phone so no one can get ahold of him. it is like he has dropped off the face of the earth. i just don't know what to do about him.

 

we were looking for a cheaper place to live but now i think he may have other arrangements. i was thinking about telling him how i feel but i am really shy and hate conflict. i am sure that he would not be interested in me romanticly but i don't want to lose him as a friend either. i just know him so well i have this sinking feeling he doesn't trust me enough to tell me what is happening to him. should i confront him and tell him what i am thinking or just ride it out and hope that he will talk to me

[Jodie]

I think that if I were in your position, I would certainly not choose now to tell him how you are feeling about him. Obviously he has something going on in his life right now, and to tell him of your feelings would probably put pressure on him. It seems really weird that he would just disappear - perhaps he has a new girl in his life. If he is not coming home at night I would place bets on that, and if that is the case, telling him how you are feeling towards him will probably be seen as either manipulation or jealousy.

 

I think that your best bet it to just leave him a casual sort of message - either a note at your place, or a message on his cell phone. Tell him Hi, just called to say Hello, and that you are just wondering if everything is okay. Leave it at that - you don't want him to see you as his keeper or that he has to report every move to you. Maybe he is avoiding you because he senses how you feel about him and he doesn't want to upset you by telling you about what he is doing. Unless you've done something to upset him, I would say that is the case.

 

Just play it cool, if he is the friend you describe, he will come back.

[Tony T]

He's not much of a friend. He disappears without even a note or message as to his whereabouts or condition. And you have a sinking feeling he doesn't trust you...why is that? He turns his cell phone off so you can't reach him? And this is a guy you don't want to lose as a friend?

 

I feel so bad for you because seeing the bad side of someone so suddenly is quite a shock.

 

I don't think you would want to tell somebody who doesn't think enough of you to let you know he's OK that you have feelings for him. I also don't think you would want to have a whole lot more to do with somebody you have a feeling doesn't trust you...you must have a good reason for feeling that which you haven't disclosed here.

 

I think the guy's a perfect bum myself. What he has done is the height of inconsideration and disrespect. As close as the two of you were, I think not coming home for even a night woithout a call would be extremely rude but for three weeks is totally unforgiveable. A dirty dish is not a message.

 

He is a bum and, by the way, NOT the best friend you thought he was.

 

I don't know. Is there something you have said or done to this guy that you have not disclosed in your post? This is just way too weird.

 

I don't think you should confront him or ride it out. I think you should sever all ties with him. And you need to find a less expensive place to live...FOR ONE.

[Deejette]

I think this guy has found someone and he has not even confided in you like, "Hey, I met this person and we are in love, I want you to meet her/him too." That is what friends do. They call to make sure you are all right and show an interest in your daily life. They don't leave dishes around for you to clean up after them.

He's not much of a friend. He disappears without even a note or message as to his whereabouts or condition. And you have a sinking feeling he doesn't trust you...why is that? He turns his cell phone off so you can't reach him? And this is a guy you don't want to lose as a friend? I feel so bad for you because seeing the bad side of someone so suddenly is quite a shock.

 

I don't think you would want to tell somebody who doesn't think enough of you to let you know he's OK that you have feelings for him. I also don't think you would want to have a whole lot more to do with somebody you have a feeling doesn't trust you...you must have a good reason for feeling that which you haven't disclosed here. I think the guy's a perfect bum myself. What he has done is the height of inconsideration and disrespect. As close as the two of you were, I think not coming home for even a night woithout a call would be extremely rude but for three weeks is totally unforgiveable. A dirty dish is not a message. He is a bum and, by the way, NOT the best friend you thought he was. I don't know. Is there something you have said or done to this guy that you have not disclosed in your post? This is just way too weird. I don't think you should confront him or ride it out. I think you should sever all ties with him. And you need to find a less expensive place to live...FOR ONE.

[Taressa]

Two years is just about enough time for a relationship to grow old. I'm guessing that your friend grew tired of the dependent relationship. True, the relationship was helpful and quite comforting during these two settling-in years, but the success of a dependent relationship comes when one person outgrows the need for the other: Help no longer needed; independence at last attained.

 

Now that the friend has withdrawn your feelings are growing stronger. Your distress over losing him makes me think you may have a great deal of loneliness and have very few friends around you; this situation makes us feel desperate for love and we often settle for lackluster friendships and call it love.

 

Start building friendships today. The support and the love of a group will help you build your confidence and will help you regain your enthusiasm for life. Get re-involved and start doing the things you enjoy.

 

The friend you depended on in the past is not much of a friend at all now. The disrespect and cowardly withdrawal speak quite loudly; do not expect love with him. Don't waste any more wishes on this fading relationship.