Your thoughts

[kbdavis]

Ok, my story is probably not so different from many others, but I could use some genuine advice...

 

I've been dating my bf for two years now. I'm 28 and he's 29. We met at work and were friends for about a year before we went on our first date. We certainly took things slow in the beginning but once we acknowledged our feelings for each other, they seemed to speed up for sure. Now, we have purchased a house together, traded in our vehicles and got one together and I've quit my job to stay home with my daughter (she's 11 and not his, but he's absolutely wonderful towards her and they love each other very much). About six months into our relationship, the sexual intimacy and the affection started waning. I talked to him about it and he told me that, with myself and his two past girlfriends, that has been mentioned as an issue and that, as he is the only common thread, he realiezed it was something with him and he would work on fixing it. Of course, he did work on it, gave it an honest effort anyhow. We go through periodic GREAT spells and, more often, slumps as he likes to call them. He is very against public displays of affection, things it is very inappropriate to discuss our sex life or even make sexual jokes around other people, and won't touch me if we have guests in our house. But lately, it's gotten progressively worse. Anytime we go through our "slumps" I try communicating with him to make sure everything is okay and he always says things are fine, he's just tired, or he doesn't feel good, or he's worried about his weight gain, or a headache/stomachache, or SOMETHING is the culprit for why we stop having sex or even kissing. His latest excuse is that I don't initiate it often enough. So in the past three weeks, I have attempted to seduce him twice and was rejected both times. The second time, I started crying and he just turned his back and went to sleep. The next morning, he wanted to talk about it and said that he was tired (of course) and that he is attracted to me. I told him I felt stupid and felt like I was always begging him to have sex with me. He told me that, of all the emotions I could feel, rejection is the last thing he ever wants me feeling and he was so sorry and blah blah blah. That was a week and a half ago and he hasn't so much as touched me once. So two nights ago, I had a few drinks (and some liquid courage) and asked him why we weren't having sex anymore and he immediately got mad and told me he didn't want to talk about it and that I needed to take my drunk ass to bed. Of course, I start crying again and telling him that he can't imagine how he's making me feel and that my self image has drastically gone downhill. He just went to bed so I cried myself to sleep. The next morning he wanted to talk about it and I told him that I feel like he cares about me, he enjoys my company but there are no longer any feelings of attraction. He just stared at the ground. So I told him that I can't be mad at him for his feelings because he can't help them, but I can be mad if he's being dishonest and stringing me along and he said he doesn't FEEL like that's what he is doing, but that he doesn't know how we can fix this. He then proceeded to go upstairs to his gameroom and play his video games for the rest of the day and this morning, he got up, went to work and didn't say bye or anything.

 

At this point, I have no idea what's going on or what I should do about it. Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated. I'm desperate!

[creighton0123]

"About six months into our relationship, the sexual intimacy and the affection started waning."

 

And? This is pretty common, especially given the fact that you have an 11 year old in the house and you two moved in/spent a considerable amount of time together in the first six months.

 

"He is very against public displays of affection."

"He thinks it is very inappropriate to discuss our sex life or even make sexual jokes around other people"

 

are two signs of a personality characteristic. Accept them or reject them. They're not going to go away.

 

As for advice on the sex? There are only a few things I could think of:

 

1. He's innately more asexual than you are. After the novelty of the relationship faded, his desire/drive for sex diminished significantly. Does he masturbate often? If not, that would be your answer.

 

2. He's experiencing some level of depression that you two will have to work through, perhaps with a doctor.

 

3. He's no longer interested in you and is shutting down emotionally. People do that.

 

4. He's gay and is in the closet. My bets on this... but as a gay man, my bet is always on this ;-)

 

How to fix it? Tell him that you want to have sex with him and if this is going to work, he needs to have sex with you and show physical interest in you. Also, if he's worried about his weight gain, playing video games for an entire day isn't the answer. I say this as a gamer as well, knowing that time away from the games is great for better health.

 

Make sure, though, that the problems the two of you are facing now isn't starting to impact your daughter. She is the most important person in your life right now; not him.