HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Can't believe I am going to do this, but I feel the need to. This is actually my wifes account, she knows I've been on looking at all the threads, we gave eachother all our passwords to eachotheres e-mail, fb, and this site. I wanted to come on and see what she has been feeling, she didn't seem to mind. I've been trying to win her trust back and our marriage, with everything I have, so the closer I can get to her understanding of everything that happend the more I can help her and myself to get past it. In reading all these posts, I have to say some of you are wrong. I was..and I will put the emphasis on WAS a serial cheater, and I know most of you think I wont change, but thats not true. I think there are certain cicumstances in peoples lives that set them apart from others. I have no excuse for what I did at all, I was a selfish , disgusting pig. I can't even figure it out myself, except that I needed to feel sexy and powerful to other women, I don't know why, the sex with all of them was not even great, it was full of guilt, even with the woman I ended up having feelings for. Maybe being married at 18 contributed, not knowing the feeling of "sewing the oats" so to speak. All I know is I've been done now with cheating since 2008 since my w found out, I know no one will believe that but it's true. did I flirt a little? yes, and yes I talked to a co-worker on FB, (I saw the post she wrote about it) but nothing happend, If felt sorry for this girl she was going through crap. since then I have not done any more of it, My w has all my passwords. I guess I'm just trying to say, that people can change..I have. I will never watch my wife go through what she went through again! I watched her waste away to 100 pounds, never sleep, and her eyes were dead inside, that will never happen to her again while I'm alive. I'm not doing this to earn points with all of you either to get her back, I just couldn't help but notice all the posts about cheaters and how they don't change. Also, I read some posts on the Ow/Om forum..I feel so ashamed thaat I was a part of that world..I feel bad that these women reallly think the H is going to really fall in love with them and leave their spouse..I thought thats what I wanted, till I realized why I was really with her. Clean apartment with no kids, the girl all the guys wanted and I got, it was a fantasy, until I went home and saw my wife , it was always her and only her, it was all the other things that got in the way..life got in the way, now I know how to deal with "life" better..anyways just wanted to share my thoughts and views on the subject...peace. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I suspect you are posting this knowing that she will read it, and it's some kind of thinly veiled way of manipulating her into believing that it's true. 10/10 for imagination but 1/10 for implementation. I've been trying to win her trust back So making this thread was probably a bad idea, then. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 In reading all these posts, I have to say some of you are wrong. I was..and I will put the emphasis on WAS a serial cheater, and I know most of you think I wont change, but thats not true. Doesn't jive with: All I know is I've been done now with cheating since 2008 since my w found out, I know no one will believe that but it's true. did I flirt a little? yes, and yes I talked to a co-worker on FB, (I saw the post she wrote about it) but nothing happend, If felt sorry for this girl she was going through crap. since then I have not done any more of it, My w has all my passwords. Did this happen AFTER 2008? Since you've "stopped cheating"? Or am I mistaken and this was BEFORE your changes? I do believe that people CAN change, don't take me wrong. But it takes a major, major event to act as a catalyst for change, and major effort on that person to maintain that change. It may have happened in your case...but if the events you describe above happened AFTER this "major catalyst for change"...it's an indicator to me that you're still not "there". Just my thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I suspect you are posting this knowing that she will read it, and it's some kind of thinly veiled way of manipulating her into believing that it's true. 10/10 for imagination but 1/10 for implementation. So making this thread was probably a bad idea, then. My w is not easily manipulated...she's smarter than that and she knows I went on here..and she's heard all this before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 Doesn't jive with: Did this happen AFTER 2008? Since you've "stopped cheating"? Or am I mistaken and this was BEFORE your changes? I do believe that people CAN change, don't take me wrong. But it takes a major, major event to act as a catalyst for change, and major effort on that person to maintain that change. It may have happened in your case...but if the events you describe above happened AFTER this "major catalyst for change"...it's an indicator to me that you're still not "there". Just my thoughts. I have to say most of my changes took place in the last year, a few major things happend to really make me see the light..first, a close friend of mine lost his wife to cancer this past year, and he made a lot of the same mistakes I did. We had a long conversation about life, and what matters and seeing the pain in his eyes after loosing his wife was an eye opener, he told me to never waste another day, and enjoy and appreciate the people in your life. Also, I had lunch with my mom a while back, we talked about my dad a lot. My dad was a manic depresive, and alcoholic, and he cheated on my mom all the time..they divorced when I was 14. He died in 2009 from alchol and drug abuse.. I swore I'd never be like him..then I realized I was like him minus the drugs. I admit I'm a selfish jerk, I should just let m W go..she should'nt forgive me, but I want to give us another chance, if she does not thats ok, cause I know she will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 she's heard all this before. So what is the purpose of this thread? And why can't you make your own username? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 So what is the purpose of this thread? And why can't you make your own username? actually doing that right now... and.. I think I stated the purpose.. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I think you've made a valiant effort to BEGIN, but I personally believe you, as of yet, have not done enough. IMO, being a better man today does NOT excuse the man you were yesterday: Selfish, self-entitled, and desperately seeking from strangers what could have been your's all along if you had a) expressed those needs to your spouse and b) appreciated the love and devotion that existed right under your nose. We BSs, need you to OWN your sh.t, and get to therapy and dig deep to understand WHY you gave yourself permission so many times to be unfaithful. Unless you dig deeper, and understand the "WHY" of your actions, deeply, we may remain unsure if we can trust a future with you. Chucking your marriage, your spouse's heart and trust for a "fantasy" or some ego-stroking, is a start, but a pretty shallow one at best. Trying to rescue anyone but yourself, your spouse and your marriage says to me you still don't get proper boundaries. Why did you need that from strangers? Keep digging, keep asking why? You have a lot more work to do. Link to post Share on other sites
greengoddess Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 So you just admitted to having feelings for the one other woman. What about her? Do you still think of her? Do you have fond memories of her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 So you just admitted to having feelings for the one other woman. What about her? Do you still think of her? Do you have fond memories of her? At the time I thought I had feelings for her. Now I know they were more feelings of friendship and I felt bad for her..she was crying everyday about her cheating fiance..I don't think of her now, only that I feel bad a strung her along and that was wrong. I lied to her so bad, told her I was leaving, when I knew I never would, the memorie I have with her are not good, just reminds me of the guilt I always felt, and how screwed up I am, do I hope she's happy? yes, I'd be a monster if I felt ill feelings toward her, but thats it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 I think you've made a valiant effort to BEGIN, but I personally believe you, as of yet, have not done enough. IMO, being a better man today does NOT excuse the man you were yesterday: Selfish, self-entitled, and desperately seeking from strangers what could have been your's all along if you had a) expressed those needs to your spouse and b) appreciated the love and devotion that existed right under your nose. We BSs, need you to OWN your sh.t, and get to therapy and dig deep to understand WHY you gave yourself permission so many times to be unfaithful. Unless you dig deeper, and understand the "WHY" of your actions, deeply, we may remain unsure if we can trust a future with you. Chucking your marriage, your spouse's heart and trust for a "fantasy" or some ego-stroking, is a start, but a pretty shallow one at best. Trying to rescue anyone but yourself, your spouse and your marriage says to me you still don't get proper boundaries. Why did you need that from strangers? Keep digging, keep asking why? You have a lot more work to do. yes you are right, I know I have major work to do, and not just for my wife but for me and my kids..I certainly don't want my son to be like me. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 So if I understood your response correctly...you chatted with some via FB, flirted with someone else...both occurred before you've decided that you're no longer going to cheat? Or did they occur after your decision? Realize I'm not calling you out here...but what I want to understand is how you reconcile your belief that you'll never cheat with these actions? Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 So if I understood your response correctly...you chatted with some via FB, flirted with someone else...both occurred before you've decided that you're no longer going to cheat? Or did they occur after your decision? Realize I'm not calling you out here...but what I want to understand is how you reconcile your belief that you'll never cheat with these actions? yes you are correct...I never wanted to cheat, but was tempted, now I know I will not, this is why I can easily give my wife all my passwords to my entire life..with ease..something I never would give up before, sounds stupid but it's true, I've even gone so far as to call her during a meeting for work..and leave the phone on, so she'd know thats where I really was! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 OK, so some advice. Invest some effort into examining the process you used to establish relationships outside of your marriage in the past. Learn to spot when you're attracted to someone, realize when you're crossing boundaries and engaging in contact with someone you're attracted to, and identify the methods you used to actually carry out the cheating. Discuss these with your wife and counselors. Spell out what you're going to change in terms of behaviors so that you're now safeguarding your marriage and enforcing those boundaries. Spill all of your "secrets" on how you got away with it in the past, so that your wife can develop her own means of verifying your trustworthiness now. Learn to spot the points where you need to AVOID situations with someone you're attracted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 23, 2011 Author Share Posted May 23, 2011 OK, so some advice. Invest some effort into examining the process you used to establish relationships outside of your marriage in the past. Learn to spot when you're attracted to someone, realize when you're crossing boundaries and engaging in contact with someone you're attracted to, and identify the methods you used to actually carry out the cheating. Discuss these with your wife and counselors. Spell out what you're going to change in terms of behaviors so that you're now safeguarding your marriage and enforcing those boundaries. Spill all of your "secrets" on how you got away with it in the past, so that your wife can develop her own means of verifying your trustworthiness now. Learn to spot the points where you need to AVOID situations with someone you're attracted to. will do..tx for the advice putting it like that makes it seem clearer. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Whoa! This place is something else.... No one is ever considered being sincere. Tsk, tsk, tsk. To HA22's H. Good luck and I wish you strength, so you can stick to your promises. Link to post Share on other sites
UnsureinSeattle Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I hope that, for your wife's sake, that you are being sincere. Good luck to you both. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) I simply suggest that you don't get your wife's hopes up too much. You may change and never cheat on her again but it is still bad form to make such large and unrealistic (considering your past) promises, especially ones that are so easily broken. I know this sounds negative but I think it is important to keep yourself grounded and expect progress to be slow. Edited May 24, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
utterer of lies Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 blablabla Hahaha, that's funny. Is your wife truly that gullible? She must be, or why would you assume even for a moment that this is going to work? Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 I feel sorry for your poor wife. She is now going to have to endure months, if not years, of emotional pain because of your multiple infidelities. Consider yourself lucky because you deserve to be kicked to the curb and she deserves a faithful man who will truly love and cherish her. If one day the tables get turned, I hope that you will be as merciful to her as she was to you. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 OP, don't let the folks who want to dig at you get under your skin. I absolutely ABHOR cheating and cheaters, but if someone finally understands the hurt they are inflicting on others and are striving to change that, I'll support that person 100%. Like I told another poster in a similar situation, keep your eyes on the prize! Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 it was a fantasy, until I went home and saw my wife , it was always her and only her, it was all the other things that got in the way..life got in the way, now I know how to deal with "life" better... Sorry, I find this rather weak as an argument. What does this mean exactly? "Life got in the way"??? You makes choices in life, you marry, you have kids. These are things you wanted so don't complain if there is stress, if you have to manage your finances, if you have little time together with your wife because your young kids need a lot of attention. It's part of being an adult. For single people, "life also gets in the way", we also have stress, financial struggles, and we don't even have someone to share our worries with. It does not mean that we chase married persons to have an affair with, or engage in casual sex, etc... It's all a matter of character and the courage to commit to your choices. And if you are not capable of doing that, own it and go live as a single man so that your wife has the choice to be with a man who can be faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 My pop cheated on my mom. They survived it and were married for 66 years. After he passed and after my divorce my aunt (mom's sister) told me she gave dad a piece of her mind. She not only said she'd never trust him again, but informed him that her sister and her kids had a standing invitation to live with her at moment's notice. House, cars, money; all of it. He'd be out. My aunt was true to her word, and basically tolerated my pop from then on. Only when he was very old and ill did she finally say to him "I guess you proved me wrong." He smiled and said he loved her. My dad was an amazing man. I seriously doubt you're made up of the stuff he was. In fact, I believe from the wording of your message that you're full of it. If I was your wife, I'd toss you out on your ass like the lying, cheating SOB that you are. You'll cheat again, and justify it. You're untrustworthy. Prove me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author HalfAlive22 Posted May 24, 2011 Author Share Posted May 24, 2011 Hahaha, that's funny. Is your wife truly that gullible? She must be, or why would you assume even for a moment that this is going to work? I find this very insulting, I'm not gullible at all..I'm not even back with H yet..it's not like I'm just gonna run back...not everything is black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkInTheLimo Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 not everything is black and white. Oh, don't you cheaters and liars LOVE to say that everything is not black and white. As if you can be half faithfull/monogamous and a half liar/cheater. This is BS. Either you cheat or you don't. If you want to be faithful, then the days of little secret gardens on Facebook are over... Link to post Share on other sites
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