My mother doesn't like my wonderful girlfriend!

[noahsager]

Hello, this is my first post here!

 

Last September (2003), I found the love of my life--Monique. We met online and have been with each other ever since! The bond was instant. We talk on the phone at least 5 hours a day and we've flown to visit each other (I live in Minnesota, and she lives in California.) I love her so incredibly much! I never thought this'd happen to me. I'm 20 and she's 23.

 

There's a problem, though. My mother.

 

She thinks that because we met online, that the whole relationship is fake. Before they even met each other, my mom made up her mind that she didn't like her. Also, during Monique's visit she somehow offended my mom by "interfering with my parenting" when Monique told me to be nicer to my sister. For some reason, my mom can't forgive her.

 

Now that it looks like our relationship will become lifelong, I'm worried about how my mom would treat her. I want my soulmate to become part of our family. It's even more frustrating because when I visited her, her family accepted me.

 

What can I do? I'd really like to have our relationship accepted before announcing an engagement.

 

Thanks,

Noah

[bluechocolate]

Always a hard one this. Allow me to state the obvious - you are an adult legally and I assume emotionally - therefore you are free to make your own choices regarding your personal life and of course your mother should, and probably does, know this. But maybe you should remind her. Be careful though, if you still live with your mother extreme tact is required on your part as she may feel that as long as you are under her roof she can interfere in your life and she certainly has a right to decide whom she wants to welcome into her home.

 

As for meeting online - your mother is simply wrong on this one and you should tell her so. Would she rather you meet people in a drunken stupor in a dark smelly bar? Would she rather you proposition strangers in the street? Your mother's opinion on this are most likely being informed by the press where the internet is often portrayed as a place full of pederasts, sexual deviants and pornography. Does she use the internet? If not maybe you could show her how useful it can be? Introduce her to some sites that you know she would find interesting.

 

It can often be difficult to have an "adult" conversation with ones parent (god knows I've been there!) - but you should try. Sit her and down and ask her to explain to you exactly what it is that she doesn't like about your girl friend and be prepared to counter her misgivings with sound, rational and calm arguments. It may just be that she is concerned for your feelings. Tell her exactly how you feel about wanting your girlfriend to be accepted into your family. Perhaps she feels that the long distance aspect of this relationship will lead to it's downfall and she doesn't want to see you get hurt. Commendable for sure, but really it is none of her business. You must be free to make your own choices, some of which will lead to disappointment and you having hurt feelings. This is life and she cannot and should not try to protect you from it.

 

Unfortunately this kind of situation is very common. My own family has been going through a difficult time with my sister-in-law and my brother for YEARS and YEARS now which has lead to my parents being estranged from their only grandchild for most of his life so far. Is this the kind of outcome your mother would like? I very much doubt it.

 

But prepare yourself for failure - it is not always possible to convince others to agree with your choices, but your mother should respect your choices though she has no obligation to agree with them. And if you do agree to disagree then you should make it clear to your mother and your girlfriend that you expect them to at least be respectful and polite in each other company.

 

In the end you may be forced to make a choice between your girlfriend and your mother and you need to be very clear in your mind about which is more important to you before attempting to settle this. I know what my choice would be.