Should I tell his wife?

[26pointblue]

He lies so consistently he doesn't even know he's lying. My xMM was the same. Again I ask you -- Do you really want a man like this in your life? And here are some more questions I've asked myself, that have helped me get out of my own former situation after a lot of pain & confusion, & that I feel you really need to ask yourself:

 

- Are you beyond cruel to not even care that you are hurting another human being & use the justification that she's 'his responsibility.' Do you not believe in 'do unto others'?

 

- Do you think you will truly have happiness in the present if you are part of this destruction to another person?

 

- Do you truly believe you are so special & unique that he won't do to you what he is doing to her -- which is obviously his MO with the women who care about him?

 

- Why are you [or your dopamine or whatever] attracted to a man who is capable of this level of deceit, cruelty & callousness towards the woman he vowed to protect & towards the woman who truly loves him most in the entire world? What does this say about you & your choices & tastes?

 

- Why are you letting your emotions/dopamine control your decisions instead of your brain? You are being just as bad as he is. Are you not doing the same things he is doing [& his wife, who you hate so much, is doing!] by letting yourself run willy-nilly away with whatever emotions you have at the time? Instead of deciding your principles & where you stand & then acting on them no matter what your emotions are feeling like?

 

- Are you okay being his dirty little secret, whom he is hiding from his wife [who you think is so pathetic & desperate but who he is protecting by not telling her about his supposed love for you]? Is this really about love, or winning/competition? If you truly loved yourself, wouldn't you stand up for what you deserve- a full-time, out in the open relationship where you don't have to sneak around to talk or see each other? Or do you prefer the thrill of that kind of a relationship, & if so, is it worth what it is costing his wife? Don't you feel bad when you realize the thrill of the relationship comes not only at the high price of hurting another human being but also at the high price of your own self-esteem because it requires you to accept sneaking around, being his secret, not totally having him in your life all the time, not being the one he is protecting & choosing to have officially by his side?

 

I really hope you think about those questions because I think you are flip-flopping as much as he is & you need to stop to ever become happy.

 

My last comment is that I think it is wrong & gross of you to air your dirty laundry about being in bed having sex with him while the wife is desparately texting him to see where he is. Sadly I think you get off on this sick stuff or you never would have mentioned that on a public forum. So maybe your last question to yourself is why you would allow yourself to stay in that situation & why doesn't it repulse you?

[26pointblue]

I don't want to be in an affair with him, but it is so hard to let him go. And I do know that if I told his wife everything, he would never speak to me again. He would be angry that I hurt her even more. And that I betrayed HIS trust. If I walk away, I WILL tell her everything before I do. Just so there is no chance of him ever coming back to me and so that she has the truth about what he is really like.

 

Stop putting responsibility for your own actions & choices on him - & hurting her because you can't own up to your own decisions. This is not about her, or him, it's about you. Why do you do this & why do you allow yourself to be treated like this? Walk away because you want to, because you know you are [or believe you can become] a better person that you've been acting, & you know you deserve better.

 

And honey, even if you do tell her, she won't care as long as you are out of the picture. She knows he has the ability to cheat on her, hurt her, & pretty much destroy her, but she still wants him in her life [at least for now anyway]. She has already found out a lot about what he's done to her & she still wants him. There is nothing you can do to change that -- it's her decision & she will only be glad you are gone. I know this from experience as my xMM's wife kept finding out about us over & over & over, worse & worse things, & she was still there wanting him. I think he was more surprised than I was that she kept putting up with his horrible treatment of her -- every time, he was sure she would kick him out, file for divorce, etc., but every time, there she was still willing to take him back. And I suddenly realized, there I was willing to accept it too & take him back into the affair!!!! He wasn't strong enough to leave her & maybe didn't really want to & he was using me as his soft landing when he was afraid of her getting rid of him. Just like your MM is doing. If he really wanted to be out of the marriage & was strong enough, he would be, but no, he is staying married to her now isn't he? In fact they are moving back in together!

 

In the end I got out for no other reason than I knew I deserved better & needed to put that behind me. That is the only way it can work. And then I realized I do not want a man like that in my life & luckily I don't have to stay with him due to kids or a long marriage or mutual assets/lifestyle etc. I am free to walk & find better. So stop focusing on his wife, or on revenge against him, because the only thing you have control over is yourself & what you choose to do. You have no power over them, only yourself. I guarantee you he will keep oscillating between the two of you for as long as you let him [or his wife lets him -- if she gets smart & gets rid of him, congratulations, he'll all yours ]. So if this is some sick competition in your mind, the only way to 'win' it is to keep putting up with his horrible behavior & treatment of both of you, just like she is. Basically the only way to 'win' by your definition [keeping him in your life] is by further hurting yourself. The only way to 'win' by the real definition of winning [being happy & loving yourself] is to say AMF to him & never ever look back. DON'T involve his wife in your decision because she's hurting enough & what you need to realize is that with a man like your MM, who has proven himself to be able to do these things, he is who he is & no matter what YOU do, HE will never learn. So STOP thinking about him & his wife & think about YOU. Just do that or remain unhappy.

[jj33]

This man is capable of treating his wife so incredibly badly gaslighting her seeing you behind her back when hes telling her hes working it out. DUMP HIM.

 

Hes had his chance to choose to leave, he hasnt. He had his chance to come clean with his wife, he hasnt. Hes had his chance to say I need time to sort this out myself, he hasnt.

 

He's a cake eater of the worst kind. He is hurting you, hurting her and lying to everyone.

 

What good would it do to tell her? It would be for your own selfish reasons. So that you could get over him. Dont do it. Hes not a nice guy. That is all you really need to know. The details of what was a lie and what was the truth dont really matter. You misjudged him. Chemistry, great sex dopamine whatever. He isnt hte man you hoped he was because a man who has any integrity wouldnt do this.

 

This may sound harsh but IMO but once there is a dday, someone who keeps seeing the OW behind the spouse's back is a real low life. And at that point you are complicit in her hurt. You know she is thinking that he is trying. And yet you are continuing in the relationship. People who have been hurt by a spouse's betrayal may say its no different than the original betrayal but it feels different to me. You can no longer say think what she doesnt know wont hurt her. She knows. She is devastated.

 

Dont be that woman who sees him while he is gaslighting her.

 

If you still feel you would want to be with him if he left her, then tell him if he leaves to be in touch but you arent playing this game anymore.

 

And you CAN do it if you want to. Its not just a question of what the heart wants. Its a question of how do you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror. Can you face yourself being a part of this now? There really is no justification. Hes playing you both. Is it worth being played just for the sex? Noone is that good in bed. It will ruin your self esteem over time if it hasnt already.

[TurboGirl]

Miranda... can't believe you are still going round & round & round here with this MM. 6 months is NOTHING!

 

1. I'm not addicted to the drama, I"m addicted to the dopamine that floods my body when I'm with him. He makes me feel so good, sexually, emotionally, mentally. We have such a strong connection. Hmmm sounds like you are addicted to this MM. You are super super high when you are with him, and willing to overlook anything just to get your fix! Definitely sounds like you are addicted to him - look at your own words!

 

2. I know I shouldn't see this guy as a prize- I mean, he is telling his wife he will give her her life back, that he will work on things with her. She says he can't have any contact with me that it would kill her. And yet here he is, he has never stopped. I know I shouldn't participate it in, but I look at it as she is HIS responsibility. I didn't decide he should work things out at home, he did. If it were up to me, he would let her move on and just be better off. I want him to be with me. But I doubt that is going to happen. He will go home and be miserable and just have affairs on the side. If not with me, it will be someone else I guarantee it. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Because of how he makes me feel. I guess I"m still in the "fog". If he doesn't care about her, why should I? HIS responsibility. Yep. And when the woman DOES find out, and she will, and she goes postal and maybe kills herself and her husband... or maybe comes after you. How are you going to feel then? YOU know this guy is lying to both of you! Have some respect for yourself. You are stating above that if he was not with you, he would be having other affairs... That tells me that you, my dear, are not very special to him. And you know it.

 

3. The last few paragraphs of your post tell me that this guy is a pathological liar, and is completely narcissistic about life. He will hurt you big time. You know he is lying to you about some things... and you DON'T know about all the other lies, and I can guarantee you, there are more lies. He's playing both sides. You see this guy lying & lying... and you still want him?!?!

 

Not trying to be mean to you Miranda... but wake up, find your self respect & walk away from this MM. He is certainly not a prize. This scenario will eventually blow up and when it does it won't be pretty, and I will bet that the casualty will be what is left of your heart and self esteem.

[26pointblue]

HIS responsibility. Yep. And when the woman DOES find out, and she will, and she goes postal and maybe kills herself and her husband... or maybe comes after you. How are you going to feel then? YOU know this guy is lying to both of you! Have some respect for yourself.

 

Exactly. Miranda you may feel his treatment of his wife is his responsibility, but your continued participation & involvement in it is your responsibility. Actions do have effects. Sometimes a BS will go after the OW by exposing the affair to her family, her job, etc. How would you feel if people in your life knew that you were seeing a married man who was telling his wife that he wanted to work on his marriage, but continuing to lie & sneak around with your help? I don't know many people who would feel proud of that & I doubt you would either. You will re-gain your self-respect by doing what you know to be right regardless of what your MM wants to do.

[pureinheart]

Was dating a MM for about six months. We were discovered by the W after 3 months. He stayed about a month living in his house because his W said she would kill herself and was acting very devastated (understandable). THey were together 20 plus years. He only went back (to her) once though. The day after D day he felt bad about the way he just walked out on her. He came back to me the very next day. After living at home for a month (trying to get his wife to "get over" him) he moved out completely and in with me. His wife called him every day (which he ignored) and told her they were only going to text. He thought this would be easier on her. She went off the deep end (again, understandable) and he ignored her. ON Easter she was hospitalized after a fight they had (via text) because she told him she had cooked Easter dinner for him and was waiting for him to arrive (he hadn't seen her in over a month but she was still trying to win him back) He was so frustrated that she wouldn't get the message that he didn't want to work things out with her that he flipped out and called her and told her off. Told her he just wanted her to move on,find another man and he would even pay for the other man to live in his house. That he just wanted rid of her so he could enjoy his life with me. He told her every single thing he thought was wrong with their marriage (in anger).

 

Over the next few days he felt horrible about how he had treated her. He expressed that he was just so frustrated because she would not give up on him and was acting "crazy". She flunked out of school and almost got fired and reality started to catch up to him and he felt guility for destroying her life. She moved out of their house in an effort to force him to move out of my house (he had to take care of their pets and their house) he tried for about a week to stay at my house and take care of his dogs at his. I knew that he was experiencing so much stress. I finally told him I was letting him go.

 

He was very upset. We kept in contact and still saw eachother once in awhile. (I know, bad move). He asked if there was ever a chance for us and I said no. About a week later he told his W that we had split. She begged him for another chance and he told her they would work on things. that was two weeks ago and she wants to come home. He has seen her four times. He said they have to start out very slowly. He will go visit her and they will have lunch or just talk. He said he thought coming back would make her happy but all she does is cry. He said he just wants to give her her life back> that he truly doesn't love her, just feels responsible for her. He said she sees it in his eyes that he is still in love with me. That she looks at him and cries and asks if he is thinking of me. He said he breaks down in her company and cries because he misses me so badly,. That he tries to hide it but a memory of us will slip in and hit him. We talk every day. Try to comfort eachother.

 

We recently started seeing eacother (hanging out, going to dinner, having sex) again this weekend. We have a great time together but when he leaves (he spent the night twice) we both cry. He said he does not want his wife to come home. that he is dreading going back to his old life. But that he feels he owes her the chance to let her see if things work out. he says he hopes she discovers this is not what she wants. So he is free to be with me without feeling responsible for destroying her life.

 

I know that if he truly wanted to be with me he would just have stayed away. that he wouldn't care how his wife feels. She told him she thinks he will leave again to be with me. Or that he will cheat with me again and hurt her. She said she can not handle a 2nd time. She is not so upset with his cheating, but his leaving and walking away no matter what she tried to do to stop him. She told him that she believes he will not leave me alone. That she thinks he still loves me. She texted me and begged me to leave him alone. Every day (even since he told his wife he will work on things) he texts me and calls me and tells me I love you- at least ten times a day. He has not said this to his wife (one of the things she texted me) He tells her he is not ready to tell her he loves her, to touch her, to kiss her or even give her a hug. he said she tried to hug him and he flinched and pulled away (he said it was automatic) that he doesn't want anyone touching him but me and doesn't know why.

 

Yesterday he talked to his W about their marriage and problems and she wanted to come home (he had previously told her she could come home on Sunday) and he told her he's not ready yet and she needs to stay where she is. Today he told her the same thing. She is very upset saying if he wants to work things out why can't she come home. The reason is because he wants to keep seeing me. Because he is on vacation this week and we talk six hours a day or see eachother. We talk every night before we fall asleep and he feels this is more important than his wife returning. His heart is not in working things out. He just wants to soothe her and let her think she is getting her life back. But I found out he wants to still see me, still make love, still talk. He has a 2nd phone and told her he will not talk to me anymore ( he originally told her we would just talk on the phone but she cried so hard he took it back) but yet he still talks to me, is still lying to his wife every single day.

 

Part of me feels horrible that we put this woman through so much pain and betrayal and her husband is telling her he will work things out (even though she sees his actions mean otherwise) and yet he is still in love with me, still putting me first. I know that if I told him I wanted to be with him again and to tell his wife he changed his mind, he would. But she has hope now and I would feel terrible for taking that away. Yet the evil side of me misses MM so much and we have both been going through what feels like withdrawal symptoms from a drug. We crave eachother, get depressed, cry, shake, have panic attacks etc when we can't see eachother or talk. And seeing him and talking on the phone eases those symptoms and is the only thing that makes us happy. He says he doesn't want his wife to come home because he is grieving my loss. that he cries, gets choked up (I've seen it a lot) and is just sad all the time. And he knows that if she sees that, it will hurt her even more. Because he didn't even miss her. That he would be SO happy if she'd just find someone else to make her happy and take care of her.

 

I know that he will continue the affair if I let him. Do I tell his wife? She is hoping she can trust him and that he is serious about working on things. But I know he is NOT. He will return from seeing her cry and tell him she can't trust him and how hurt she is and he comes to my house and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and how he can't let go of me. Or he comes over and we have sex. We say we are addicted to eachother (because thats what it feels like) He is making his wife suffer more because she doesn't understand his actions and has even voiced she fears he doesn't want her to return home because he is seeing me.

 

I wouldn't get anything out of telling his wife.He would probably hate me and not see me anymore. I am not doing it unselfishly obviously either. If I wanted to be the better person I would just walk away and cut off all contact. But for whatever reason I love this man and it is so hard to let him go. I just don't understand why he would try to work things out with her if his heart isn't in it and his actions are just going to hurt her twice as much as last time if he gets caught.

 

I've only read this post and no others...so if this discussion has progressed beyond OP, I'm not aware of it.

 

Personally, my opinion is that I would not do anything until you speak with a professional concerning telling her due to her threatening suicide. This is nothing to play with. Even if a person most likely will not actually do it, the fact that they speak it says they are severely depressed and ready to give up, and all it takes is the right moment and the right stressor.

 

What I am about to say is in no way meant to cut any of you down, it is just my perception.

 

It sounds like MM is with his W by default and she is allowing it. I can imagine you feel sord of like a pawn in all of this. After him not staying away from his W, you, I would venture to say, do not take him quite as serious as before...I wouldn't.

 

Should you decide to tell her, if it were me and the door was open, I would encourage her to seek answers as to why she would allow herself to be in a default situation, and why she would beg him to come back and manipulate certain situations to try to get him back.

 

What I found to be a win-win situation in a R that was on the rocks is to not beg and let the OP go if they chose...just good-bye have fun. If they really didn't want to go and just confused then this behavior would through them into what they "really" wanted or what they "thought" they wanted. When the BS begs it usually gives the green light to flip-flop, should the AP allow it also.

 

Anyway, good luck to you!

[whichwayisup]

There's no point in convincing her to walk away. She isn't going to because she has blinders on and is in a fog, and she's totally addicted to her MM and how he makes her feel. She's letting her sexual attraction/lust/fog rule her mind and common sense.

 

She is going to tell the wife because she wants the wife to suffer, end up in the hospital, possibly do damage to herself, then she can be the MM's shoulder. She wants this guy for herself. She blames his wife in so many ways, throws the responbility and ownership of the A on the status of their marriage, and her MM and not on herself. It isn't about getting the MM to hate her to he'll stay away. SHE NEEDS TO GET STRONG TO TELL HIM GOODBYE and not just put it all on him to do NC. She has to do NC but she isn't capable of closing him out, ignoring his calls, not answering the door.

 

She has no idea how messed up she is and her thinking/handling process really is.

[2sunny]

you are allowing him to treat you - and his W- like crap. step away.

 

the man has no moral compass... he's not a man i would spend time with.

[bentnotbroken]

She is as jacked up as he is.

[jj33]

I know I already responded to this but I reread your initial post. This woman ended up in the hospital over this. The hospital. How does that happen from a fight? Did she try to harm herself? She moved out of her house he admits he feels he has destroyed her life.

 

And hes convinced her he will try to work things out.

 

And you are still there?

 

I have this sick feeling you are reading these responses and saying they dont understand, my situation is different. Its only different because its so much worse. Its one of the few posted where the betrayed spouse actually ended up in the hospital.

 

Think long and hard about what you are planning to do. Do you really want to participate in the destruction of another person? Once its over and he leaves you in the dust, which a guy like this certainly will, you may find you have a guilt that you must live with for the rest of your life.

[BB07]

H E L L O..........don't you guys remember that Miranda's BS was posting on here, (if they aren't one and the same)? If they really are two different people Miranda is posting all these details in order to out her mm to his wife. I'm thinking Miranda is hoping that she is still reading LS. Why else would anyone post the details as Miranda has, what they do in bed and that the BS was phoning while they were doing it?????

 

Miranda........if you are for real, you are unbelievably cruel.

[Breezy Trousers]

She has no idea how messed up she is and her thinking/handling process really is.

 

Agreed. Unfortunately, life will teach her soon enough.

[26pointblue]

H E L L O..........don't you guys remember that Miranda's BS was posting on here, (if they aren't one and the same)? If they really are two different people Miranda is posting all these details in order to out her mm to his wife. I'm thinking Miranda is hoping that she is still reading LS. Why else would anyone post the details as Miranda has, what they do in bed and that the BS was phoning while they were doing it?????

 

Miranda........if you are for real, you are unbelievably cruel.

 

They are definitely the same person. I would bet money on it. But not too much money because I don't really care! Either they're the same delusional person or this MM is definitely attracted to & skilled at manipulating the exact same kind of woman- the kind who will give up all of herself to him & accept very little in return. The kind who doesn't listen to the sound advice of others even when she comes to a public message board. The kind who will allow a man to destroy her.

[freestyle]

You're just being used as a weapon for your MM to club his BS over the head with.

 

Any man with a shred of decency wouldn't put you in that position.

[26pointblue]

You're just being used as a weapon for your MM to club his BS over the head with.

 

Any man with a shred of decency wouldn't put you in that position.

 

This is so true here & I think in many affairs. I know I started to feel like I was just a pawn in some sick game xMM was playing with his BW. Other times I felt like a bandaid for his problems, a dam for his marriage to keep all the issues from totally flooding over, & one time I broke up with him I told him I'm tired of being his emotional tampon. He actually laughed at that & said it was a spot-on analogy.

 

I am beginning to think that only troubled, sick & twisted people get involved in affairs [i'm including myself] & that they're always full of drama & unhappiness. Maybe I'm just speaking for myself but I really wonder how any could be any different.