Seriously considering Divorce- need perspective, s

[Steen719]

Let us know how Friday goes and we are pulling for you. You are a brave, awesome woman who will feel better soon. Best of luck to you.

[GorillaTheater]

I know this is hard, but you are absolutely doing the right thing.

 

Need to ask this, since you're doing your divorce pro se for now: did you arrange to have your husband officially served with your divorce petition? Filing alone won't do alot of good.

 

Take care of yourself, and stay safe. It sounds like you're becoming a new woman, or at least re-discovering your old self.

[irishdaisy]

Thank you so much Steen719 and GorillaTheater, I appreciate your kind sentiments. You give me a lot of support with your words.

 

GorillaT- I am going to have the sheriff's dept. serve him the divorce papers on Monday. They do a good and proper job for $35.

[bc83]

Irishdaisy, I'm sending you positive thoughts that your therapy session goes well. But, if he freaks out do you have a safe place you can go before he is served on Monday?

 

Keep us posted, please!

[irishdaisy]

I want to thank this kind community for supporting me, I really felt today that although I was on my own, I wasn't alone.

 

Today I met my husband at my therapist's office. I told myself going in that I would stick to how I felt, what I wanted, and what I needed. I wasn't going to allow myself drift into "you" accusatory language.

 

It was a 2 hour session. I told my husband that I did not feel cherished and respected in this relationship and that because of the physical violence I did not feel safe. I said regardless of how much I loved him, I needed to protect myself. He talked about all of the things he was doing to better himself and emphasized that it wasn't just words this time- he was backing up his words with actions. He talked about his anger management, the mediation class he now goes to twice a week, plus the therapy sessions with his mom. All of these things, he said, have made him realize that he has hurt me, and that he has a temper which he can't control and he is getting help for.

 

I told him I felt that the only reason he was doing these things and saying these things was because we had separated, that I couldn't be assured these were lasting behaviour patterns he was capable of adopting long term. He said he was willing to do further work if I needed him to do it, including a 52 week domestic violence course and that he would pay for the 3 day couple seminar coming up this month with the world renowned therapists.

 

I am so torn between what he is promising, what I want to hear , and what I have come to understand about domestic violence abusers and the cycle of abuse. I honestly don't know what to make of all of it. This is the hardest set of emotions I have had to deal with. I can't make sense of the hope I have with the knowledge I already know from other people's experiences with domestic violence. I want to honor wisdom-- but what is the wise thing to do here?

 

The safest thing for me to do- the short answer is to end it. I told him and the therapist I don't think I can work on a relationship where my personal safety is at stake, regardless of how many promises are made.

I asked for my H to return all the keys and remotes to the apartment. I told him I packed all his things and he could pick them up at a mutually agreeable time. I told him I came into the marriage with respect and that is how I wanted it to end. After the session we walked to the parking lot and he handed over the keys. I felt absolutely exhausted. He said he wanted to take me to lunch and really just listen to me. I actually went to lunch with him and for a time he seemed amiable and open to what I was saying. I felt with some things, for the first time, he was really hearing what I had to say. Other things, I felt like it was pulling teeth all over again. Towards the end of the lunch I felt like we were back in the same pattern, just me repeating myself while he just doesn't get it. Exhausting patterns.

 

I got up to leave and he seemed frantic, asking me again what i am going to do. I said, "I think I'm done". Then he did a 180 and told me that I'm toxic, that I'm childish to unfriend him on facebook,and that he wanted me to unfriend his friends on facebook. He told me his mother wanted all the diamonds and gold back that she gave me on our wedding day and that yes he would be expecting financial compensation at the divorce settlement for all that he's been through.

 

All these words really hurt me. I am so sad he chose to say those things to me. I've been trying to be calm and at times I feel peaceful, other times I feel like I'm drowning underwater. No air. After we parted I walked around for awhile, not sure where to go. I drove to trader joes and walked the aisles. Everyone looked so happy buying food for the holiday weekend. I have never felt so isolated and alone. I stared at the frozen food and decided to call my H. I called 3 times before he picked up. I said I was sorry how it all went down. He said he couldn't talk right now because he was in a restaurant with his friends. I told him I couldn't believe he was able to hang out with a bunch of friends after what just happened. I didn't know what else to say so I said goodbye.

Later tonight I just tonight I just got an email from his mother. She said he told her the news that it was over and that she will miss me. "Don't be a stranger" she wrote.

 

It all feels so surreal to me right now.

[alhoneyblue]

Leave , end this now have less regrets. So many people stay in relationships they know are wrong because of some idealized desire for some concept of what your life should be like. I am in a terrible situation right now myself I have a restraining order against my husband of 20 abusive years and let me tell you I have so many more regrets than happy memories. I think so many of us maybe should never be in live together relationships like both our husbands. Don't let it take the time it has taken me you don't need to have the orbit of you eye broken up to end this........beleive me cause it hurts

[denise_xo]

Leave this man behind and move forward. You will thank yourself once you get past the most difficult stage. Hang in there and good luck.

[irishdaisy]

Leave , end this now have less regrets. So many people stay in relationships they know are wrong because of some idealized desire for some concept of what your life should be like. I am in a terrible situation right now myself I have a restraining order against my husband of 20 abusive years and let me tell you I have so many more regrets than happy memories. I think so many of us maybe should never be in live together relationships like both our husbands. Don't let it take the time it has taken me you don't need to have the orbit of you eye broken up to end this........beleive me cause it hurts

 

I am so sorry to hear this.I can't believe the abuse you've suffered and I bet it started small and gradually got worse. It's true that the pull to idealize the relationship is so strong. You just want everything to be okay. I know I've felt this way so much lately. My prayers are with you.

ID

[irishdaisy]

Leave this man behind and move forward. You will thank yourself once you get past the most difficult stage. Hang in there and good luck.

 

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I am hanging in there.

ID

[irishdaisy]

I woke up this morning determined to feel good and treat myself like a royal guest.

I had the day off which isn't often so I pulled out all the stops: makeup and hair done, morning yoga class, Lunch out, shopping, Gym again, massage, steam, shower- tasty dinner.

 

When I was on the elliptical I put on the headphones and turned the channel to comedy central. The program was 50 greatest stand up comics. I turned the volume up and sweat it out and laughed and laughed. It felt so good to laugh.

 

A friend of mine came over to my cardio machine. He wanted to know where my husband was, that he hadn't seen him in over a month at the gym and could we all go out to lunch tomorrow? I sort of sidestepped the issue- I couldn't break the news today.

 

Later I got a text from husband. He wrote: "I'm really sad and hurt when I see and hear that you are hurting .At the same time, I find it so difficult to relate to you in a way that shows you how much I care. It's very frustrating to me that I cannot connect with you so you can understand."

 

I wrote back, "I believe you. Thank you for being kind. I really hope you have a peaceful weekend".

[buster2209]

Jeez, what a helluva story.

 

Firstly, I'm a guy. When I hear that another guy has an "anger management problem" i call BS! Boys have problems controlling their tempers, men don't.

 

Your husband is a boy and a few other choice words I want to use....

 

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

 

What happens when you have kids and one of them 'sets him off'?

 

Find a good friend and confide in them. Confide in your parents. Do not confide in anyone from his side of the family. You have to look out for you.

 

You HAVE to talk to someone who only has your interest at heart.

 

He will say anything to get you back but when he does, he will be act like the same prick as before.

 

I only say all this because I do not want you end up dead because someday he may accidentally kill you because 'you pushed his buttons'.

[irishdaisy]

Jeez, what a helluva story.

 

Firstly, I'm a guy. When I hear that another guy has an "anger management problem" i call BS! Boys have problems controlling their tempers, men don't.

 

Your husband is a boy and a few other choice words I want to use....

 

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!

 

What happens when you have kids and one of them 'sets him off'?

 

Find a good friend and confide in them. Confide in your parents. Do not confide in anyone from his side of the family. You have to look out for you.

 

 

Thank you for the feedback, I hear you. There have been too many instances of his boyish behavior. And I have never had the desire to have children. Maybe this is an unconscious protective measure on my part. I am only starting to feel so angry at how unsupported I have been in this marriage, not to mention the physical abuse I have suffered. I haven't yet confided in anyone yet except my therapist. Too painful to deal with that yet.

ID

[irishdaisy]

Tomorrow my husband is coming to pick up his things that I've packed.

I've been extremely cordial to him this week. I have listened to him on the phone tell me how sorry he is, how unhappy and sad he has been and I've let him talk it out. He said he was completely blindsided by my divorce filing. He thought we were just taking a break so he could go to anger management and sort through his issues. He thought I was giving him time to get better, not me preparing to give up. I've been validating most of his feelings, and my thinking has been that the nicer I am, the cheaper this divorce is going to be for me. He says he no longer wants to go after my money and is so far agreeing to just use my attorney to draft the written agreement stating such. We don't have joint accounts or investments together so this is making the financial aspect easier. I just have to stay on this peaceful path with him. It's not easy. I am feeling angry for being cheated out of a lifelong companion that I so desperately wanted in him. I am so embarassed and ashamed that the husband that I picked could have left me to make this terrible choice. I am deeply sad.

 

I have a question for the group that has been plaguing me. My question is, Do you ever allow an abuser to change his ways? He has since last

Friday pulled out ALL the stops in trying to save this marriage from divorce.

He has said he will go to a 52 week program for domestic abusers, he will pay for the expensive marriage counseling sessions, he will work to separate his business from his mom's influence. He has even said ( this is crazy), he will write me a check for $2,500 as a promise that he will never raise a hand to me again. He's saying all the things I wanted him to do and more and my question is,

Is it ALL crap?? At what point do you let someone do better in a relationship and give them a chance to change? I know I've gotten so much good advice, I have noticed not one person on LS has said give him a chance. I just need reassurance. Thanks.

[buster2209]

He has all the classic signs of an insecure little boy who throws tantrum when he doesn't get his in way. The problem is, he has the body of a man so it's not like restraining a 6 year old.....

 

I believe he means what he says yet he will go back to being the same abusive prick once you take him back.

 

If I were you, I would follow through with the divorce, remove myself from his life as much as possible and confide in a friend or a family member on your side. I bang on about this because my marriage just recently went down the plug hole and without a good friend of mine, I would have gone insane.

 

If he is truly sorry about what he has done and wants to make amends, he will respect your decision to leave you alone. You will find you will think clearer with him and his family removed from your life.

 

Be strong.

[shayla]

I don't mean to frighten you at all. I barely got out of my abusive marriage with my life so I am only telling you this as someone who has been there.

 

Please, please have someone at your house with you when your husband comes there to retrieve his things. This is the critical period that if he were to go off, this would be the time. You being alone in that house could be the difference between life and death. If you have to call the police to be there when he picks up his boxes, so be it.

 

If you have a brother, uncle, neighbor, whatever it is, I can guarantee you that he would not try to attack you with a man in the house with you. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.

 

Good luck.

[shayla]

I have a question for the group that has been plaguing me. My question is, Do you ever allow an abuser to change his ways? He has since last

Friday pulled out ALL the stops in trying to save this marriage from divorce.

He has said he will go to a 52 week program for domestic abusers, he will pay for the expensive marriage counseling sessions, he will work to separate his business from his mom's influence. He has even said ( this is crazy), he will write me a check for $2,500 as a promise that he will never raise a hand to me again. He's saying all the things I wanted him to do and more and my question is,

Is it ALL crap?? At what point do you let someone do better in a relationship and give them a chance to change? I know I've gotten so much good advice, I have noticed not one person on LS has said give him a chance. I just need reassurance. Thanks.

 

 

My short answer is HELL NO. Once the line has crossed into physical abuse, there is no turning back. Someone like that will tell you anything in order to get what they want. They will promise you anything. And once you are back in their control, they will make you pay for leaving them.

Once he is back in the drivers seat, his abuse will probably escalate (sp).

 

There is no way on earth that staying with a man that is abusive is a good idea. Change or not (usually not) once he does that to you, and you stay, it is a green light.

[buster2209]

If you have a brother, uncle, neighbor, whatever it is, I can guarantee you that he would not try to attack you with a man in the house with you. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.

 

My thoughts exactly. Bullies are all the same. They wont dare touch someone who could even possibly hurt them back.

[KME39]

No he isn't going to change.

 

I was engaged to an abuser and saw the signs before I walked down the asile of hell.

 

My hubby and I are separating but he would never raise a hand to me no matter how angry I made him. He may punch something like wall, truck etc but never me. He knows his father would maim him, and after that my father would, and MAYBE if there was any pieces left my step-dad and good friend would finish him off. He is not completely stupid.

[doublerince]

Hi ID. I have been following your thread for a while, and never posted, but I just want to know that you are okay. Did he come for his things? Did you have someone with you? Let us know. I am sure this is a hard day for you, even if things went smoothly. It sucks, I know.

[irishdaisy]

I don't mean to frighten you at all. I barely got out of my abusive marriage with my life so I am only telling you this as someone who has been there.

 

Please, please have someone at your house with you when your husband comes there to retrieve his things. This is the critical period that if he were to go off, this would be the time. You being alone in that house could be the difference between life and death. If you have to call the police to be there when he picks up his boxes, so be it.

 

If you have a brother, uncle, neighbor, whatever it is, I can guarantee you that he would not try to attack you with a man in the house with you. Protecting yourself is the most important thing.

 

Good luck.

 

When I read this this morning, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up.

I decided to postpone the moving day today. I called him right away and made up something about needing more boxes and more time..

I am seriously taking the advice of this forum and protecting myself. I can't

trust his "nice behaviour" as much as I want to right now.

I don't have a neighbor that I can confide in, so I'll have to think of something. I'll involve the police if that's what it takes but I have to be a bit crafty because I don't want to freak him out and undo all the amicable divorce agreement headway I've made with him. I need everything to fall into place. His boxes don't need to be moved right away so I have some time.

[irishdaisy]

He has all the classic signs of an insecure little boy who throws tantrum when he doesn't get his in way. The problem is, he has the body of a man so it's not like restraining a 6 year old.....

 

I believe he means what he says yet he will go back to being the same abusive prick once you take him back.

 

If I were you, I would follow through with the divorce, remove myself from his life as much as possible and confide in a friend or a family member on your side. I bang on about this because my marriage just recently went down the plug hole and without a good friend of mine, I would have gone insane.

 

If he is truly sorry about what he has done and wants to make amends, he will respect your decision to leave you alone. You will find you will think clearer with him and his family removed from your life.

 

Be strong.

 

You are dead on right- and I need to hear it.

Thank you for the feedback, and thank you to Shayla, KME39, Doublerince, and everyone else who I know is out there. Your words have really helped me pull it together and move forward even when my mind sometimes wants to take 2 steps back.

 

I've been taking yoga classes since all of this has happened. Although I've aways been very fit, I've just never been 'into' yoga. Since I've had a few classes, I can now see why it's beneficial. You really have to hold a difficult pose and just breathe and let your mind just feel it all. That's the best way I can describe it. It's like my life in slow motion but with a lot of awareness. It's really helped me. When I spoke to my husband on the phone today, I could literally feel my stomach shriveling up and everything started to feel 'not right'. I knew I had to postpone moving day. I could sense very clearly today that I am really doing the right thing ending this marriage and I can move forward more resolutely now.

 

Next steps are filling out the financial disclosure and expense declaration divorce paperwork I need to mutually exchange with my husband. He has his copies and said he will fill in his information and be ready for the attorney meeting next week. The attorney said that if we both agree to everything, we need just one more meeting with the two of us to draft a written agreement, submit it to the court and we are done.

This could all be over in 3 weeks, plus a mandatory 6 month waiting period that is state law.

I am praying for smooth sailing with this process. My husband is still asking emotional issue questions and really hasn't processed anything. He wants more information about a legal separation. He wants to stay friends and be in contact. He says he feels abandoned, like everything is just being thrust on him without his input. He even said he thinks if we do divorce that he feels we could reconcile and get married again because "we have genuine love for each other". When he says things like that, I just feel so much sadness and compassion for him. He must feel so lost right now.

 

He also told me today he stopped going to the therapy sessions this week so that's not good news.

[irishdaisy]

These are the primary emotions I am feeling:

 

Relieved I am getting divorced.

Angry I am getting divorced.

Sad I am getting divorced.

embarrassed I am getting divorced.

VERY Angry I am getting divorced.

VERY Sad I am getting divorced.

 

I have been experienced much of the 'VERY' in the emotional spectrum this week. I have a lot imaginary arguments with my husband. Usually in the car while driving. Working is a relief from feeling all this intense pain and I'm amazed it's been 2 months since all of this began and still I haven't told a single friend, co-worker or relative, not even my Mom about my struggle. I have compartmentalized and disassociated from all of it. I feel the CIA would love me as a secret agent. I have friends who ask me "How is your husband?" I say, "he's fine". But in my mind 'fine' is an acronym for:

 

F *&^%ed up

Insane

Narcissistic

Ego maniac

 

We have agreed to meet on Friday at 2pm in front of the lawyer to exchange paperwork. I have also opted to allow the paralegal to serve him the divorce petition at that time. I had previous arrangements to have the sheriff serve him at his mom's house but I am looking to avoid inflaming the situation as much as possible. I have showed my husband what the petition and summons looks like, that he will be served at the lawyer's office, and where to find the paperwork online, so that he is prepared on Friday.

 

His two main concerns are 1. when is he going to get his stuff and 2. what are 'we' going to say to our friends and relatives about the divorce.

Concerning #1 ,I told him I needed someone else in the house before he could get his stuff. For those reading who are considering calling the police in this instance, it's calling a 'keeping the peace call". You must call the police within 5-10 minutes of the person (husband) coming and they will only stay up to 30 minutes. If they are called to attend to an emergency, they will leave for the emergency. He offered to bring his mom with him instead. His words, "NOTHING will happen if my mom is there."

Can you believe he said that??? I am baffled beyond words to the extent that woman has enabled his son to grow up to be a little boy.

 

I am anticipating feeling a lot better by Friday, paperwork in motion and a feeling of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps by the weekend I'll feel safe enough to share this with someone close to me.

ID

[mrsgump]

Hi Irishdaisy

 

Well done for taking the step to sort it out, I'm really pleased for you and it seems you are doing the right thing for your future

 

I have recently been debating leaving my husband (who cheated while we were engaged, has money issues, stays out til 10am without letting me know and lies about his whereabouts) and my biggest problem was finding where to 'draw the line'.

 

But top of my list was that if he ever hit me (or cheated again) then I would be out of the door. And I believe I would have stuck to that rule too.

 

I've learned that talk is cheap. I was always upset with my H after he did something stupid, I'd cry and shout and explain how it upset me and he agreed he was wrong and he wouldn't do it again, but he kept doing things that upset me.

 

I also learned that by staying after every time he p*ssed me off meant that I was 'accepting' it, even though I thought I had made it clear that I would not 'accept' it. Staying meant that even if he did bad things, I would still be around at the end of the day, even if he had to put up with some nagging.

 

I think similarly with your H, if you stayed he would have understood that you were willing to put up with it, even though he knew he was wrong. It is obviously a repeating problem - and by going to jail as well he has had an opportunity to suffer some consequences, but he is still repeating this behaviour. Brilliant that he has opted to take classes and take some responsibility... but you shouldn't have to wait around to see if it will work, and you had already given him chances. You had to draw the line somewhere and I think you were perfectly right to end it.

 

Regarding feeling embarrassed, I know what you mean, I was worried about that too. Just remember that all of your friends and loved ones want the best for you, and they would NEVER want you to stay with someone abusive. You may be gossip for some distant relatives and friends, but remember how quickly that passes. Everyone else will be glad you had the guts to leave.

 

You were asking why professionally you do so well - because you can control your career, and the result is a measure of how brilliantly you do your job. On the other hand with a relationship, you cannot control the actions of another person. I feel embarrassed at my poor judgement of the man I chose to marry, but at the end of the day, all of the issues were caused by HIM. YOU gave him chances, HE screwed up. Don't feel embarrassed because anyone who knows the story will know that you didn't do anything wrong, you were unfortunately a victim of an angry man.

 

And also, it might make you feel a bit better to remember that he has his own pride, and he probably feels embarrassed (rightfully) because now all of his family/friends will hear about how he lost his wife because of his anger problem.

 

Yes it is sad to end a marriage, but it is also HAPPY because you can be free! You don't have to worry about someone blowing up at you for no reason, or about having kids with someone abusive and being tied to them forever. Being alone and happy is so much better than being married and definitely unhappy.

 

You've made the best decision for your happiness in the longrun... and that is tough to do. So well done! Enjoy the relief!

[coolheadal]

So you family and friends don't know your getting a D yet.. Wow! My wife told all her family already and I won't go near them to be pick on or made jokes about it! They love doing that, but you can't do that to them. So good luck with the out come.

[shayla]

I know that it can be embarrasing to end your marriage. When mine ended, I felt all that and more. But it is importan that people close to you know what has been going on in order to protect you. Once it starts hitting the fan you may have to go somewhere till the smoke clears. If no one knows about this, they can tell your abuser where you are, or not take you seriously. If God forbid, your husband does something crazy, you need people in your corner. Please don't keep this a secret any longer, your safety may depend on it.