Seriously considering Divorce- need perspective, s

[irishdaisy]

Hi Irishdaisy

 

Well done for taking the step to sort it out, I'm really pleased for you and it seems you are doing the right thing for your future

 

I have recently been debating leaving my husband (who cheated while we were engaged, has money issues, stays out til 10am without letting me know and lies about his whereabouts) and my biggest problem was finding where to 'draw the line'.

 

But top of my list was that if he ever hit me (or cheated again) then I would be out of the door. And I believe I would have stuck to that rule too.

 

I've learned that talk is cheap. I was always upset with my H after he did something stupid, I'd cry and shout and explain how it upset me and he agreed he was wrong and he wouldn't do it again, but he kept doing things that upset me.

 

I also learned that by staying after every time he p*ssed me off meant that I was 'accepting' it, even though I thought I had made it clear that I would not 'accept' it. Staying meant that even if he did bad things, I would still be around at the end of the day, even if he had to put up with some nagging.

 

I think similarly with your H, if you stayed he would have understood that you were willing to put up with it, even though he knew he was wrong. It is obviously a repeating problem - and by going to jail as well he has had an opportunity to suffer some consequences, but he is still repeating this behaviour. Brilliant that he has opted to take classes and take some responsibility... but you shouldn't have to wait around to see if it will work, and you had already given him chances. You had to draw the line somewhere and I think you were perfectly right to end it.

 

Regarding feeling embarrassed, I know what you mean, I was worried about that too. Just remember that all of your friends and loved ones want the best for you, and they would NEVER want you to stay with someone abusive. You may be gossip for some distant relatives and friends, but remember how quickly that passes. Everyone else will be glad you had the guts to leave.

 

You were asking why professionally you do so well - because you can control your career, and the result is a measure of how brilliantly you do your job. On the other hand with a relationship, you cannot control the actions of another person. I feel embarrassed at my poor judgement of the man I chose to marry, but at the end of the day, all of the issues were caused by HIM. YOU gave him chances, HE screwed up. Don't feel embarrassed because anyone who knows the story will know that you didn't do anything wrong, you were unfortunately a victim of an angry man.

 

And also, it might make you feel a bit better to remember that he has his own pride, and he probably feels embarrassed (rightfully) because now all of his family/friends will hear about how he lost his wife because of his anger problem.

 

Yes it is sad to end a marriage, but it is also HAPPY because you can be free! You don't have to worry about someone blowing up at you for no reason, or about having kids with someone abusive and being tied to them forever. Being alone and happy is so much better than being married and definitely unhappy.

 

You've made the best decision for your happiness in the longrun... and that is tough to do. So well done! Enjoy the relief!

 

Mrsgump thank you so much for sharing, you make so many good points.You are so right on about success in career, but in a relationship not being able to control the actions of another person. <sigh> So true. I can identify so much with you needing to draw the line somewhere. I'm am sorry your husband is not providing the kind of emotional nourishment you deserve in your marriage. Staying out till 10am??? That's ridiculous and makes me angry just thinking about it. My husband did selfish things like staying out late too without consulting me and emotionally abandoning me in many ways. I probably would have stayed and suffered through but I agree with you, physical abuse is clearly crossing the line. Thank you for adding your thoughts, I am going to hold on the HAPPY that I'm FREE feeling-- I would love to get to that feeling place soon. Great insights, I'll think of you and pray for you as well.

[irishdaisy]

So you family and friends don't know your getting a D yet.. Wow! My wife told all her family already and I won't go near them to be pick on or made jokes about it! They love doing that, but you can't do that to them. So good luck with the out come.

 

Hi Coolheadal, thanks so much for the support. I'm sorry your ex's family seems to be ganging up on you. That just makes it so much worse. Take care of yourself and hang in there. ID

[irishdaisy]

I know that it can be embarrasing to end your marriage. When mine ended, I felt all that and more. But it is importan that people close to you know what has been going on in order to protect you. Once it starts hitting the fan you may have to go somewhere till the smoke clears. If no one knows about this, they can tell your abuser where you are, or not take you seriously. If God forbid, your husband does something crazy, you need people in your corner. Please don't keep this a secret any longer, your safety may depend on it.

 

Thanks Shayla,

I decided to call my mom last night and told her the news. She didn't say much- just that she thought I was brave. I have had my own issues with her; I grew up with her depression, anger and abuse as a child and my Dad who was the only kind person in the family, died over 10 years ago. I've found my satisfaction in life by working hard to pursue my professional dreams but I am really on my own to deal emotionally with all this. I'm glad I've found this forum. It really helps.

ID

[irishdaisy]

Feeling the freedom wings growing!!

 

Last Friday my husband and I met at my attorney's office to have my husband served with the divorce papers. I dropped the rest of his stuff off in the busy parking lot-- and he picked it up---got that DONE.

We exchanged the asset and debt declaration papers; we gave the legal assistant the list of things we wanted on the judgement. We've agreed on what is what-- I get to keep my ASSETS!! Thank goodness he agreed to that. Next week we sign the prepared judgement.....and then after a 6 month waiting period..... I'M FREE!!!

 

My mom has been calling me after I told her the news. Hearing her give me 'advice' is further confirmation that it's best to keep my private life and all the details away from the trolls. She told me it's better to be alone- people just aren't that interesting anyway... (She likes living by herself apparently.)

 

 

I celebrated my first weekend of freedom wings in a bikini and a cowboy hat- sipping a chardonnay and eating a turkey burger by the pool. I went to yoga class and got a massage. I looked up at the clear blue sky and felt great. It feels great.

Edited July 17, 2011 by irishdaisy
spell check

[carhill]

OP, congratulations on the results and I must say I'm a bit stupefied at the way this all ended, essentially with him going out like a lamb. IME, that's very uncharacteristic of an abuser or abusive personality. In any event, enjoy the new-found freedom and I hope nothing interferes with that until you're legally divorced.

[irishdaisy]

OP, congratulations on the results and I must say I'm a bit stupefied at the way this all ended, essentially with him going out like a lamb. IME, that's very uncharacteristic of an abuser or abusive personality. In any event, enjoy the new-found freedom and I hope nothing interferes with that until you're legally divorced.

 

Agreed, he was asking the paralegal a lot of questions on Friday regarding the 6 month waiting period after he was served with the papers. He specifically wanted to know if we are still married within that time. He looked at me across the table and said "It's not over between us, you will see I will change and be better".

 

He can think and say whatever he wants. I feel good today and need to keep feeling good.

[ayngl]

Hi irishdaisy,

 

I am going through what you went through and was wondering if I can email with you privately. I just joined the forum because your story is just like mine. Its like we are married to the same type of person. Only I am not ready in my head and heart to divorce him as I still have feelings for him and I don't want to regret and have guilt for ending our marriage. If not able to email privately, I hope people here can help me. We were seperated September last year after 1 yr of marriage and he has a girlfriend since end of January this year. He is uncooperative in regards to discussing divorce. He is not ready to divorce me and does not want to go for marriage couseling. He calls or texts me all the time which makes me think he still has feelings for me. We only see each other every 2-3 weeks when he comes to get his mail. We are not physically intimate. He still uses my address as his mailing address and has refused to change it. When I ignore his attempts to talk to me he begs and pleads and I break down and pick up his calls. Yet he still has the girlfriend. I want to send him divorce papers to shock him to reality even though I'm not ready to divorce him. Divorce is so final. September could have been our 2nd anniversary of marriage. I am always sad. He has never hit me but had a very bad temper and was verbally abusive. Maybe I should stay seperated indefinitely until he files the divorce. Why should I waste my money, time and all this legwork for him? I don't know what to do. Like you I am embarrased and have not told my friends that I am no longer married.

[irishdaisy]

Hi irishdaisy,

 

I am going through what you went through and was wondering if I can email with you privately. I just joined the forum because your story is just like mine. Its like we are married to the same type of person. Only I am not ready in my head and heart to divorce him as I still have feelings for him and I don't want to regret and have guilt for ending our marriage. If not able to email privately, I hope people here can help me. We were seperated September last year after 1 yr of marriage and he has a girlfriend since end of January this year. He is uncooperative in regards to discussing divorce. He is not ready to divorce me and does not want to go for marriage couseling. He calls or texts me all the time which makes me think he still has feelings for me. We only see each other every 2-3 weeks when he comes to get his mail. We are not physically intimate. He still uses my address as his mailing address and has refused to change it. When I ignore his attempts to talk to me he begs and pleads and I break down and pick up his calls. Yet he still has the girlfriend. I want to send him divorce papers to shock him to reality even though I'm not ready to divorce him. Divorce is so final. September could have been our 2nd anniversary of marriage. I am always sad. He has never hit me but had a very bad temper and was verbally abusive. Maybe I should stay seperated indefinitely until he files the divorce. Why should I waste my money, time and all this legwork for him? I don't know what to do. Like you I am embarrased and have not told my friends that I am no longer married.

 

I'm sorry I took so long to reply... You could PM me but it might be more beneficial to put your story out there and get a range of opinions and good advice. This is a great forum for that. I wish you the best for your situation. I know it's not easy but once you get the ball rolling, things DO get better as hard as it may seem. It sounds to me like your husband has moved on now with a new girlfriend-- maybe it's time for you to make the next step....

good luck,

ID

[irishdaisy]

Little update:

 

ALL my divorce paperwork is DONE. We went to my attorney's office on Monday and signed the judgement. I am FREE.

Thanks to all who helped me get through this.

ID

[KME39]

That is great that you are all said and done with it.

 

Maryland is ONE year before we can be officially divorced. I am working on packing to move to my new apartment. I had to talk to him today about his bankruptcy stuff and he was pissing me off. I was at work and had to be nice and not let the inner bitch out.