When does the blame stop?

[beanzmom]

My husband is an alcoholic. Wow, that felt good to say...LOL...

 

His usual, a case of beer and a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka, is purchased every 2-3 days. So approximately 8 beers and an undeterminate amount of vodka each day. It started out slowly, when we were first together, as a glass to half bottle of wine before bed. He progressed quickly to 4 or 5 beers. I noticed once he changed over, his mood changed, as well. We were newlyweds and my first child was on her way. He began to become withdrawn, isolating himself from me. I would beg him for attention on some days, and he would reply that I was too "evil" and too "mistreated him." I was PG, had no family or friends in our new town, and was losing my father to cancer. On top of being lonely and pregnant. I endured it and noticed that his drinking got worse. I told him that I needed for him to calm down with the booze, as anything could go wrong with the baby or me and I would need for him to drive me to the hospital. Even if I went into labor...he said, "that's what ambulances are for." He was not even willing to stop for the birth of his child. This was 10 years ago, nearly 11. I knew then that there was a problem brewing.

 

Our daughter was born and the drinking subsided...for a bit. Then I was laid off of my job and we moved home and into my Parent's house until we got on our feet. It was horrid. We moved out as soon as we could, and I found empty wine bottle after empty wine bottle hidden in my parents' family room. I ignored it, thinking it was the stress.

 

We moved into our new apartment and I noticed the beer consumption was getting worse. I also found him searching online for one night stands. I told him he needed to go, if this is what he wanted to do with his life. He convinced me that I wasn't "putting out" enough and it was MY fault he was straying. I agreed to "put out" more and left it at that. With a sneaking feeling that I was going to be the loser in this.

 

After 18 months, we bought a house. I suffered what I consider to be a nervous breakdown and developed phobias. I worked through it with my counselor. Hubby's drinking increased. He provided no support.

 

I then found out I was expecting. Hubby quit his job and spent all his time either chauffering his family around or in front of the computer, with our daughter still in her pyjamas at 5:00 p.m., sitting in a living room filled with candy wrappers. I begged him to get a job. My blood pressure thanks to him was sky-high and I developed pre-eclampsia. He refused to work. Any spare money his family gave him was spent on booze and new video games, never on food. We had no choice but to use the credit cards for food and gas. Because of him, we racked up 20,000 in credit card bills just surviving. GAH. He moved up on the drinking eschelon to tequilla. Beer and tequilla. I found out he was cheating on line again. Again, it was my fault... even tho I was pregnant, working full-time and paying all the bills and taking care of the house. I discovered him on line three times, the last time actually soliciting women on Craig's List. Again, my fault because I don't "put out" enough. "If I only had IT more, I would be happier and I wouldn't have to go online or drink so much." Sound familiar?

 

He lost it one night after drinking, because our daughter didn't want to eat her spinach. He screamed at me, punched himself in the head, etc. it was horrible. My daughter and I went to my sister in law's house, talked to both my sil and my MIL, who did absolutely nothing to help. Classic enablers.

 

My daughter and I came home and things went better. Hubby got a job shortly after my son was born...and quit it. He finally found something in his field when my son was a few months old. When he comes home from work, he doesn't even take his coat off...it's immediately to the fridge for a beer. Then he disappears downstairs for about 3 0 minutes where he smokes and drinks vodka. Then he comes upstairs and makes dinner if I'm not home, or we eat if I am at home. He only touches me when he expects "it" in return. He doesn't sit and hold my hand, or give me the affection I need in order to be able to want "IT".

 

I don't really have a question, just wanted to get my story out there and hopefully someone else has the same experiences... :-(

[beanzmom]

He also blames me for everything, from ruining his relationship with his kids (they love him, but he treats them very heavy-handed and they don't like it, saying they are picking up on my eye-rolling and sighing. Urm, no, they are picking up on what YOU are doing to THEM) to his failures at work, you name it it's my fault. He is horrible to speak with, you can't get in a normal conversation. He accuses people of things, then the next morning denies he ever did it, or calls the accusations "sarcasm".

 

Thanks for letting me vent. I just really don't know how to go on...I'm planning on breaking things off when my youngest goes to school in the fall. His recent behavior has made that decision easier to make.

[Taramere]

It's hard to know what to say. That's a nightmare of a situation.

 

Have you contacted Alcoholics Anonymous? I understand they run support groups for family members. It sounds as if you're badly in need of support from others who can relate to that same situation...and hopefully help you to start building up the strength to do what you need to do.

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[just_some_guy]

beanzmom, it is time to forget about fixing him and work on fixing you.

 

He's (almost without a doubt) an alcoholic. Nothing you can do about fixing that.

 

However, *you* are almost certainly an al-anon. Please, please, please, go find a local al-anon (not alcoholics anonymous - that's for him. al-anon is for YOU). Make a commitment to attend a few meetings. If you don't like the first group you visit, try some others.

 

It will make a tremendous difference in your life. It won't fix him, but it will help you fix yourself.

[beanzmom]

Last night, the crap hit the fan. And I wasn't even there! I told hubby around 8:00 that I had nothing for my daughter's lunch, and needed to go to the store. When I returned at 9:00, I learned that all hell had broken loose. Apparently, hubby wanted the kids to do this silly little dance they do. My daughter did it, but my son didn't want to. He said his leg was hurting him. So hubby took the Wii remote from him and told him that, if he didn't do the dance, he wasn't getting the Wii back. This caused my son to start crying. HE's FOUR! Anyway, hubby got up and hip-checked him hard enough to knock him to the ground. I do not know if this was intentional or unintentional, but it was fairly hard. He then started calling my son a wuss and a sissy. This sent him into real tears. My daughter stood up and said that he needed to stop, my son was upset. Then hubby went off on my daughter, saying that he's evil, we all think he's a monster, blah blah blah. My daughter got upset and said that she didn't think that, and he said, "YES you do...your mother has poisoned you against me" and left the room.

 

Hubby's aunt, who lives with us, came out of her room at that point and started yelling at my daughter for standing up for her brother. She said that she knows we have "conversations" about hubby and that I'm filling her head with the idea that he's a monster. Urm, no. She picks stuff up. I do not talk about him when the kids are within earshot, for a reason. She also sees how he doesn't keep promises and makes our home difficult to live in. My son is also picking up on this. He told my hubby that he's bad for drinking and for the way he treats me. This is completely unprompted. Hubby told me that the kids are picking up on my eye rolls and sighs when he does something I don't approve of. Urm, no. That's not enough to make anyone think someone is bad. It's your freaking actions that make you the monster you claim to be.

 

So anyway, my daughter grabbed my son and took him into the bathroom to get away from Auntie. She slammed the door and locked it. Auntie proceeded to tell my Daughter that she needed to open the door. Daughter refused. Auntie then said she would call the cops to open the door if daughter didn't. That scared daughter enough to comply. I came home shortly after, to a house full of people not talking to each other.

 

Sigh.

 

So as I unpacked the groceries, my son came in to tell me what happened. Auntie was right there, correcting his story (whose story was accurate?) and giving me HER side of it. Everything calmed down eventually and everyone went to bed.

 

Hubby slept outside last night, in a sleeping bag on our porch swing. He didn't acknowledge anyone when he came inside to get ready for work. He did smell faintly of alcohol, so I'm not sure if that was from last night or if he has begun drinking in the mornings, as well...

 

So things have just jumped from bad to worse. Home is not a happy place right now. And Auntie is going away this weekend, which means that hubby and I will be alone with the kids. I'm finding things for the three of us to do outside of our house. I'm hoping the three-day weekend passes quickly...

[just_some_guy]

Sounds like an abusive situation. Perhaps it is time to bring in professional help.

[2sunny]

get out while you can get out alive.

 

to have young children speaking their truth when you aren't DOING anything to change their lives and protect them is not useful or healthy.

 

leave him. he needs help - and you can't DO that for him - especially if he continues using and drinking. have yourself checked for STD's.

 

if needed get to a woman's shelter for battered families. they can help.

 

an al-anon meeting will help - please go, and hurry!

[Eve]

Leave.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[love4me2c]

If you haven't read this book, I think it will give you tools to deal with your situation. It helped to open my eyes to many things about myself and about my addicted partner. The book does NOT involve leaving your partner either. By doing the exercises in the book, he will eventually leave on his own or you'll have the courage to finally get rid of him on your own terms.

 

I know you mentioned that you do not have a lot of money right now, but perhaps you can find it at a used book store or check it out from your local library for free. Please get this book and see if you can join a support group for spouses of alcholics. I have heard from others in your situation those groups are really good in helping to deal with your reality.

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[Eve]

If you haven't read this book, I think it will give you tools to deal with your situation. It helped to open my eyes to many things about myself and about my addicted partner. The book does NOT involve leaving your partner either. By doing the exercises in the book, he will eventually leave on his own or you'll have the courage to finally get rid of him on your own terms.

 

I know you mentioned that you do not have a lot of money right now, but perhaps you can find it at a used book store or check it out from your local library for free. Please get this book and see if you can join a support group for spouses of alcholics. I have heard from others in your situation those groups are really good in helping to deal with your reality.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099482304#reader_0099482304

 

H'mm.. good book selection..

 

Personally, I would have knocked his teeth out long ago ..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[NYNEX]

I agree with those who said LEAVE!!! If your husband ever decides to conquer his demons, and you want to work things out, wonderful. In the meantime, as things are currently, this guy is a working time bomb, and by staying with him in this situation you enable his alcoholism..........

 

Leave the aunt and his family out of it, make the decision yourself and as others said, work on fixing you.

[beanzmom]

I am leaving. Rather, he's leaving, he just doesn't know it yet. I am keeping the house and the kids. I just need to hang on until school starts in the fall...so that I can send the kids to school and not have to worry about summer care. I simply cannot afford it for two kids AND put food on the table. My husband will not pay support, and I do not have any money to go to court with just yet. I just need to keep my nose clean, keep the kids out of the house as much as possible, and hope things go okay until then. Once August hits, I can feel free enough to put my plans in motion, the plans I've had for years. Yes, years. I have not been in a situation where I could actually act on those, for various reasons. Now that my child is going to school next year, I can act on them.

 

Thanks for the book idea...I'll check it out...

 

BTW, he's got these odd lesions on his head and face...kind of roundish, but flaky and very deep red, almost purple. Could these be a side effect to the alcoholism, or should I run and get an STD test?

[Eve]

I don't know what the mark on his face could be but go with your gut and have the check up. Don't go sleeping with him again once you get the all clear.

 

Glad you have a plan. It's all about the plan. Please seek help from a Womens Support Group in your area such as the one suggested by love4me2c. They will help you with the plan and be there for you in the way you truly need.

 

Girl, keep yourself and those babies safe.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[beanzmom]

Eve:

 

I've had a plan for years. I saw the writing on the wall a LONG time ago. Hubby comes from a violent, alcoholic family. His dad used to wail on his mom. He told me stories of holidays (Christmas) where he would wake up and there would be no presents under the tree, but Mom and Dad were passed out drunk on the couches. He detests holidays because of his family. I tried to show him the joy of having a family holiday, but he resisted. Until we had kids. Then he tries to get involved at the most inopportune times. Like when I'm trying to put the gifts out and stuff stockings. Then he's all about it. Where was he when there was shopping to be done and gifts to wrap? Either sleeping or drinking and playing video games, that's where...

 

But I digress.

 

I had seriously hoped before we married that hubby would have seen the writing on the wall with his own family, and steered clear of it. He told me the other day that the simple fact that he does not hit me is proof enough that he is different. Yeah, but there are different ways of hitting, not always with your fist.

[Eve]

I hope he gets help and turns it all around and experiences true happiness and peace.. but right now, look after the kids and keep yourself safe. We all have a story to tell.. but have no right to hurt others.

 

Please get support from a Womens Support Group/Al-non today. Anger towards another should not reach the levels it has done with you. Let it go before it poisons you.

 

Look after your mental health and the kids will be fine.

 

Please.

 

Take care,

Eve x