Wife had an affair....but I cheated in the past too

[83random]

I have been married for a year to my wife, who I have been together with for almost 10 years total. Our relationship started terribly, I was living in the city and she was a young professional struggling with an eating disorder and self image problems. For the first 2 years of our relationship she remained faithful to me while I was never faithful to her, continuing to "enjoy my youth" and sleep with multiple women.

 

She suffered from really low self esteem and was always there when I was ready to come back. For the last 5 years we have been in a committed relationship, while being married for the last year.

 

During the last 5 years and even in our first year of marriage, I cheated on her several times. Usually out of town drunken nights. Nothing ever more than a one night stand after a long night of drinking. I realize now I suffered from low self esteem and depression but that is not an excuse.

 

Last month, I discovered that my wife had a 3 month affair with a co-worker just one year after we were married. They were absolutely obsessed with one another and communicated nearly 24/7. They saw each other frequently, said "i love you", and slept together several times.

 

I got suspicious after her behavior in our marriage all of a sudden turned positive, turns out she had ended the affair and was being really nice out of guilt. I discovered the affair and she lied about it for 3 days before I approached the guy who told me the whole truth.

 

She is remorseful and I do not think she had any real feelings for the other guy. She says she felt neglected and always suspected me of cheating in the past. I was struggling with Depression and it made her depressed and we were no longer communicating or in a loving relationship.

 

She wants to stay in the marriage and has said she will do anything to make it work. She has been honest about the relationship with the other guy and is in therapy working on her issues. I am also in therapy working on my issues.

 

I was devastated after discovering the affair. I had to endure every detail of their relationship from a third party who told me everything, what they said to each other, where they hung out, and almost every detail of their relationship. This has made the recovery that much harder.

 

We are currently separated and I am considering whether this relationship is worth saving. It’s been a month and my depression has gotten much worse, she is the only one that makes me happy but when I am around her I just want to get away because of the mental images of her and him.

 

Is her 6 month emotional and sexual affair worse or the same as my one night stands when out of town? I feel like I will never be able to get over the fact that she told another guy she loved him and was going to leave me for him. I am torn about telling her about my one night stands and do not see anything positive coming from telling her. I have told my therapist and am working on myself to make sure I never do it again.

 

I am leaning torward a 6 month separation and possibly divorce.

 

 

Should I confess? Try to work on the marriage?

[Mauschen]

Read some helpful advice at marriagebuilders.com and you can find some of the dude's videos on youtube too.

 

I think you're being really unfair to your wife considering your past affairs. I'm in no way excusing her behavior, by the way. You BOTH need to be honest with each other. This may break your relationship up forever, but I think you both deserve full disclosure from each other. Only then can you actually work on your marriage with all cards on the table.

 

Are you willing to not cheat again? It seems like you're a serial cheater and maybe find it thrilling? As for your wife, she probably felt a coldness from you and distance and was looking to fill that void. Of course she needs to be happy with herself, but as her husband, it is also your job to meet her needs and make sure she doesn't feel neglected (you can read more about this on the marriage builders site).

 

I hope that helps!