Wife had an affair....I cheated in the past

[83random]

I have been married for a year to my wife, who I have been together with for almost 10 years total. Our relationship started terribly, I was living in the city and she was a young professional struggling with an eating disorder and self image problems. For the first 2 years of our relationship she remained faithful to me while I was never faithful to her, continuing to "enjoy my youth" and sleep with multiple women.

 

She suffered from really low self esteem and was always there when I was ready to come back. For the last 5 years we have been in a committed relationship, while being married for the last year.

 

During the last 5 years and even in our first year of marriage, I cheated on her several times. Usually out of town drunken nights. Nothing ever more than a one night stand after a long night of drinking. I realize now I suffered from low self esteem and depression but that is not an excuse.

 

Last month, I discovered that my wife had a 3 month affair with a co-worker just one year after we were married. They were absolutely obsessed with one another and communicated nearly 24/7. They saw each other frequently, said "i love you", and slept together several times.

 

I got suspicious after her behavior in our marriage all of a sudden turned positive, turns out she had ended the affair and was being really nice out of guilt. I discovered the affair and she lied about it for 3 days before I approached the guy who told me the whole truth.

 

She is remorseful and I do not think she had any real feelings for the other guy. She says she felt neglected and always suspected me of cheating in the past. I was struggling with Depression and it made her depressed and we were no longer communicating or in a loving relationship.

 

She wants to stay in the marriage and has said she will do anything to make it work. She has been honest about the relationship with the other guy and is in therapy working on her issues. I am also in therapy working on my issues.

 

I was devastated after discovering the affair. We are currently separated and I am considering whether this relationship is worth saving. It’s been a month and my depression has gotten much worse, she is the only one that makes me happy and the only one that makes me sad.

 

Is her 6 month emotional and sexual affair worse or the same as my one night stands when out of town? I feel like I will never be able to get over the fact that she told another guy she loved him and was going to leave me for him. I am torn about telling her about my one night stands and do not see anything positive coming from telling her. I have told my therapist and am working on myself to make sure I never do it again.

 

What should I do?

[cybersister]

What a situation... there is hope here. You say she makes you happy... you say she is committed to doing what it takes,

it will take time and honesty..so I think you should fess up about your infidelities. Otherwise she will always carry a burden of guilt, whereas you can act superior.

Is her infidelity worse than yours ? Not sure if that is a useful question if the answer you seek is how can I make this work .

I think the difference between your different infidelities reflect what is commonly said that men are unfaithful because they can and women because they are unhappy.

Good luck

[DunkinSheek]

Tough situation. I feel for you.

 

Suggestion:

Make an appointment to go to a counselor together with the agreement you both will put *everything* on the table, and leave there with no more secrets left between you. It will be very hard for both of you, but you need to hit the "reset" on your relationship.

 

Then give yourselves at least a week (month?) away from each other to decide whether or not you can deal with what you heard, and what you are each willing to do to ensure your infidelities never happen again. Obviously, nothing is guaranteed.

 

For example, you could promise to stop drinking....totally. If getting drunk puts you in a vulnerable position to cheat, yet you aren't willing to stop drinking totally...then that says something about your level of commitment. Is your partying more important than your relationship?

 

You could both agree to relocate and start fresh w/o some of the baggage (i.e., dude she had an affair with) constantly in your face.

 

You can't be toe dipping here. You both need to dive in and make drastic changes and/or choices or your respective insecurities will make it impossible to move past this.

 

Is it worth it? Your call.

[83random]

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

 

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

 

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

[Untouchable_Fire]

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

 

You need to put everything out in the open. Then the two of you can work together to build a better relationship. As long as you are lieing or hiding stuff, the marriage probably won't work.

 

Also... you can't really punish her for doing the same thing you are doing. One night stands are just as bad as full on affairs.

[Memphis Raines]

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

 

because you are going to let her think she is the only one that has done a completely despicable thing here

 

 

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

 

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

 

So basically you are going to keep quiet and let her think she is the only betrayer in this relationship?

 

If you are going to shut your mouth about yours, then you better shut your mouth about hers. you have nothing to say about it.

 

and if you refuse to come clean about yours, and continue to throw hers in her face, then that is mental abuse.

[kalena9488]

We are only human and we all make mistakes. You are both wrong and they are both equally bad. However, you can recover and once a cheater does not always mean a cheater.

 

I know that from personal experience. My first husband really got the worst of me. Though I've have matured so much and now know a few things.

 

When we are young we say things like we will never cheat, we think it's so wrong etc.

 

But the truth is you never know what you'll do or why you'll do it till it happens to you.

 

And hopefully you won't be in that place very long, be able to forgive yourself even though the person you betray may not be able to forgive you and make a mature call to never do that to another human being as long as you live.

 

Having an affair or one night stand or emotional cheating is all the same thing...it's cheating. It's when you're hiding something from your SO that you would once have shared with only them.

 

We are only human and we will sin we will also all be forgiven.

 

Good luck to you!

[Sazerac]

It’s been a month and my depression has gotten much worse, she is the only one that makes me happy and the only one that makes me sad.

 

...

 

What should I do?

 

The first sentence is what jumped out at me. You seek your happiness and worth through external validation, which is what drove you to the one-night stands in the first place.

 

You simply cannot hinge your entire happiness and esteem on another person. That is a terrible thing to do to them. You have to find that inner love for yourself, something inside of you that generates your sense of self-worth. If you can't do this on your own, you will need to seek IC for yourself, as well as MC to heal the rift in your relationship, if that is what both of you desire.

 

But you need to fix yourself first. Whatever the outcome of your marriage, whether it succeeds or fails from this point, you must heal whatever is inside you that does not allow you to gain validation from your own strengths and merits.