Wife had an affair...but I cheated too

[83random]

I am posting in a couple threads, fits a few categories:

 

I have been married for a year to my wife, who I have been together with for almost 10 years total. Our relationship started terribly, I was living in the city and she was a young professional struggling with an eating disorder and self image problems. For the first 2 years of our relationship she remained faithful to me while I was never faithful to her, continuing to "enjoy my youth" and sleep with multiple women.

 

She suffered from really low self esteem and was always there when I was ready to come back. For the last 5 years we have been in a committed relationship, while being married for the last year.

 

During the last 5 years and even in our first year of marriage, I cheated on her several times. Usually out of town drunken nights. Nothing ever more than a one night stand after a long night of drinking. I realize now I suffered from low self esteem and depression but that is not an excuse.

 

Last month, I discovered that my wife had a 3 month affair with a co-worker just one year after we were married. They were absolutely obsessed with one another and communicated nearly 24/7. They saw each other frequently, said "i love you", and slept together several times.

 

I got suspicious after her behavior in our marriage all of a sudden turned positive, turns out she had ended the affair and was being really nice out of guilt. I discovered the affair and she lied about it for 3 days before I approached the guy who told me the whole truth.

 

She is remorseful and I do not think she had any real feelings for the other guy. She says she felt neglected and always suspected me of cheating in the past. I was struggling with Depression and it made her depressed and we were no longer communicating or in a loving relationship.

 

She wants to stay in the marriage and has said she will do anything to make it work. She has been honest about the relationship with the other guy and is in therapy working on her issues. I am also in therapy working on my issues.

 

I was devastated after discovering the affair. We are currently separated and I am considering whether this relationship is worth saving. It’s been a month and my depression has gotten much worse, she is the only one that makes me happy and the only one that makes me sad.

 

Is her 6 month emotional and sexual affair worse or the same as my one night stands when out of town? I feel like I will never be able to get over the fact that she told another guy she loved him and was going to leave me for him. I am torn about telling her about my one night stands and do not see anything positive coming from telling her. I have told my therapist and am working on myself to make sure I never do it again.

 

What should I do?

[Spark1111]

There is a huge wall of secrets between the two of you that needs to be taken down one brick at a time.

 

If she was completely honest with you, it is time for you to be completely honest with her.

 

Tell her everything. Your lies are eating you apart. How will you ever go forward keeping these secrets? It will not get better, it will only get worse as you see her doing everything possible to restore the relationship and you are still carrying around ONS, a lot of them, forever.

 

Doesn't work.

 

You work on you, she works on her, and at some point, you should start to work together on the marriage.

 

Just because your heart wasn't involved, does not mean what you did was LESS of an infidelity. It wasn't. On some level you felt self-entitled to sex with strangers.

 

Maybe she suspected. Maybe she became emotionally vulnerable to the first guy who paid romantic attention to her while you were getting meaningless sex on the side.

 

Marriage is about filling each other's needs and having very strong boundaries and good communication so that BOTH partners do not go outside the relationship to have those needs met by others; whether physical, emotional or romantic.

 

You are at a crossroads here. Make it real between the two of you from this day forward. Hopefully, it will work. If is doesn't, then you can still walk away with the integrity of knowing you were honest and DID everything possible to save the relationship.

 

Good luck!

[83random]

Is it possible that telling her at this point will damage the progress she is making with her own self esteem and self image issues? I confessed to my pre-marrital affairs to her, not the 2 that happened after we were married, all at buddies bachelor parties. We are both in therapy, reading books, and working on ourselves.

 

Through therapy and being honest with myself I realize why I did what I did and plan on staying in therapy so this never happens again.

 

I don't want to put her through what I just went through.

[anne1707]

The only way through this is with complete honesty which means you do need to tell your wife everything. Otherwise you are still living a lie - you would always have that eating away at you and if she were ever to find out, she could well feel that you did it to protect yourself and not her.

[Memphis Raines]

What should I do?

 

since you both feel the need to be unfaithful, get a divorce.

 

I guarantee you, this isn't the last time either of you will cheat.

[nyrias]

There is a huge wall of secrets between the two of you that needs to be taken down one brick at a time.

 

Or they should just get a divorce. Some marriage is just not worth the effort to even try.

[OldOnTheInside]

With the number of issues both of you are suffering from, I would personally say that neither of you are emotionally ready for a serious monogamous relationship. Consider your relationship to be like a building, with such weak foundations it is unrealistic to expect things to succeed.

 

Perhaps divorcing her and working on your own problems before seriously dating again would be best. Starting over with a clean slate is sometimes your only option. Just something to keep in mind.

 

I won't say there is no chance of things working out between you two, but even you know that it is unlikely at this point right?

[mitchell]

Two individuals with so many personal issues cannot realistically have a successful marriage. Have a long discussion with your wife. You should agree to a separation in an effort to devote yourselves to your own, personal issues. Both of you need counseling to deal with your depression/self-esteem issues. Once you both are in a better place, you could then reconsider the state of your marriage.

[TMCM]

You got what you deserved buddy. If you truly loved her then you would not have betrayed her multiple times. I'm not justifying or excusing her affair either - she's solely responsible for that one.

 

Do yourself and her a favor and file for divorce. Your inability to come clean about your ONS during the first year of marriage under the excuse of her poor self esteem is simply a cop out.

 

Just like you deserved to know the truth about of her affair, she also deserves to know the truth about your philandering. She has as much right as you to decide whether to try to salvage the marriage or not. What gives you the right to be the sole keeper of the truth?

[83random]

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it as the last poster mentioned.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

 

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

 

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

[washguy74]

On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it as the last poster mentioned.

 

You've always cheated like a man (ONS), so don't be surprised she chose to cheat like a woman (relationship). What she did wasn't worse or better.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level.

 

Our ego can whisper into our ears that we're better than our partner, they are lucky to have us, the rules don't apply to us, etc. You listen and all of a sudden, your one night stands happen because you justified them - before, during, and after.

 

That same ego is SHOCKED when our lowly partner cheats on us. How DARE they right?

 

Her affair WAS excusable on some level. Maybe not on a legal, moral or societal level, but a cosmic one.

[bentnotbroken]

What she is did is no better/worse than you...just different in the method. I would say you two should stay married if only to keep others safe...but that would be contradictory since you both continue to involve other people in your issues. Counseling works when one wants a change in life...do you want to change?

[reservoirdog1]

No, she shouldn't have had the affair. There, that's out of the way.

 

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it as the last poster mentioned.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

You say she told you that "she felt neglected and always suspected me of cheating in the past." What a surprise -- her suspicions were bang on. She endured your repeated infidelity, was "always there" when you were ready to come back, etc. Finally, after being emotionally beaten down enough times, she concludes that you're not there for her in any meaningful way, and goes and finds comfort in the arms of another man for a few months.

 

Only a husband so wrapped up in his own selfishness and self-pity would conclude that what she did was "worse" in any meaningful way. Hell, I'd almost (though not quite) say she's entitled to a "get out of jail free" card for what she did.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

Because you owe her the truth. As you say, she's the one who's now been honest about her affair, while you continue to lie about your repeated screwing around. You're not actually concerned about "setting her back" -- you're concerned that she won't agree with you that what she did was somehow "worse". You're still treating your marriage as a juvenile little game in which it doesn't matter how badly the other person gets hurt, as long as YOU "win".

 

For god's sake... stop hiding behind your excuses, be a man, and own your shyt. Decide NOW if you're going to be faithful to her from this point on. If you are, then each of you should give the other a total blank slate, and spend the rest of your marriage trying to build something honest and healthy.

 

If you're not going to henceforth be faithful to her, then get the hell out of her way and let her find a man who will.

[John Michael Kane]

since you both feel the need to be unfaithful, get a divorce.

 

I guarantee you, this isn't the last time either of you will cheat.

 

Exactly. Both of you cheated and both of you have no ground above each other.

[83random]

We both come from broken homes, never dated outside each other, and have only been in one relationship. We honestly screwed it all up. We both have high demand stressful jobs that don't allow us to spend a lot of time together. (We have opposite busy seasons). We lost focus on each other and became materialisitc and money hungry, the result was we lost focus on each other.

 

I honestly think we just didnt know how to be in a realtionship. We never had to "work" on it, when we were young and in love, it was just natural. We had a fun life with lots of vacations, nights out, etc. I wish I knew that a relationship took work.

 

We both love each other and want to make it work. I am committed to never being unfaithful to her again and she is the same way.

 

However, my state of mind is not allowing me to trust any of my decisions, which include telling her everything or whether trying to make the marriage work. So that is why we are taking the 6 months of separation and therapy to figure ourselves out.

 

We are young, successful, and have no kids. Is it possible to press the "reset" button?

 

Despite what most of you say, I do think what she did was "worse", maybe after some time and therapy I will see if differntley but my mind can not wrap my head around my ONS being as bad as a 6 month affair. So for the time being I am not going to disclose my ONS to her but continue to work on myself and help her work on herself. Maybe once we both are in a better place and we decide to work on the marriage, we can revisit the topic.

[Memphis Raines]

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it as the last poster mentioned.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

 

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

 

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

 

So basically you are going to keep quiet and let her think she is the only betrayer in this relationship?

 

If you are going to shut your mouth about yours, then you better shut your mouth about hers. you have nothing to say about it.

 

and if you refuse to come clean about yours, and continue to throw hers in her face, then that is mental abuse.

[bentnotbroken]

We both come from broken homes, never dated outside each other, and have only been in one relationship. We honestly screwed it all up. We both have high demand stressful jobs that don't allow us to spend a lot of time together. (We have opposite busy seasons). We lost focus on each other and became materialisitc and money hungry, the result was we lost focus on each other.

 

I honestly think we just didnt know how to be in a realtionship. We never had to "work" on it, when we were young and in love, it was just natural. We had a fun life with lots of vacations, nights out, etc. I wish I knew that a relationship took work.

 

We both love each other and want to make it work. I am committed to never being unfaithful to her again and she is the same way.

 

However, my state of mind is not allowing me to trust any of my decisions, which include telling her everything or whether trying to make the marriage work. So that is why we are taking the 6 months of separation and therapy to figure ourselves out.

 

We are young, successful, and have no kids. Is it possible to press the "reset" button?

 

Despite what most of you say, I do think what she did was "worse", maybe after some time and therapy I will see if differntley but my mind can not wrap my head around my ONS being as bad as a 6 month affair. So for the time being I am not going to disclose my ONS to her but continue to work on myself and help her work on herself. Maybe once we both are in a better place and we decide to work on the marriage, we can revisit the topic.

 

 

Yeah what she did is sooooo much worse. She lied to you day in and day out. WAIT!!! so did you(she still doesn't know about your ONS. You may have only done it one night but you lie about it everyday by omission).

 

She went outside the marriage to get her needs met. So much worse than you. OH WAIT! you did that too. Because you weren't the husband you should have been:rolleyes:

[reservoirdog1]

Despite what most of you say, I do think what she did was "worse", maybe after some time and therapy I will see if differntley but my mind can not wrap my head around my ONS being as bad as a 6 month affair. So for the time being I am not going to disclose my ONS to her but continue to work on myself and help her work on herself. Maybe once we both are in a better place and we decide to work on the marriage, we can revisit the topic.

You just don't get it.

 

You've deceived her repeatedly (not to mention put her at risk for STDs) during your marriage and before it. Your current plan, regardless of your reasons, is to continue to deceive her, out of some misguided view as to whose behaviour was "worse", what the truth will make her think about her own infidelity, or what's best for her.

 

News flash: she has the right to make decisions about HER LIFE, armed with all the information. At present, she's operating on the basis that your misdeeds constitute "X". What she doesn't know is that, secretly, your misdeeds actually constitute "X+2". You have no way of knowing what her breaking point is, i.e. the point at which she'll decide that she can't be married to you any longer. But, rather than finally doing her the respect of letting her make that decision, you're effectively making it for her.

 

So, you continue to hide the truth from her. You and she manage to shakily rebuild and re-establish trust. Then, suddenly, because you feel the need to unburden your conscience or because she learns the truth some other way, the fact of your undisclosed ONSs comes out. And all that trust you want to build and the healing you're hoping will happen goes out the window. Far from trying to rebuild on the basis of trust and loyalty, you will have continued to deceive her. And continued to make decisions about HER LIFE for her.

 

Ultimately you're going to do what you're going to do, and you don't owe any of us on LS an excuse or a justification for your choices. But you do owe her that.

 

So, I say it again: be a man, own your shyt, and tell her the full truth.

Edited May 25, 2011 by reservoirdog1

[drifter777]

I agree with those who have posted that neither of you seem to be ready for a committed relationship and are just using each other for emotional support.

Look, trying to salvaging your marriage and recovering from infidelity is probably the hardest thing you will ever do. You haven't mentioned anything about children so I'm assuming you have none. If this is the case, I can't recommend that the two of you put yourselves through this kind of hell. You've already separated so you literally have one foot out the door so I think you keep moving; file for divorce and begin a new life. I truly think you are both better off with a clean break.

[TMCM]

So if she had multiple ONS like you then you'd have no issues?? C'mon do you seriously believe that? Why don't you face the truth that like most cheaters you can dish it but you can't take it.

 

Her self esteem issues were made worse because of her affair. And since you are so concerned about her wellbeing maybe confessing to her about your betrayals just might help her feel better about herself and realize that she deserves to be better off divorcing you so she can find a man who will be faithful to her.

 

Cheaters often justify keeping their affairs a secret from their BS because of the pain their confession will cause to their spouses when in reality they fear facing the consequences which may include their BS filing for divorce.

 

Love doesn't use deception to achieve its end, but selfishness does.

[2long]

Is it possible to press the "reset" button?

 

Possible? Heck, it's NECESSARY.

 

It may be "possible" but it will be difficult. Worthwhile things tend 2 be.

 

Despite what most of you say, I do think what she did was "worse", maybe after some time and therapy I will see if differntley but my mind can not wrap my head around my ONS being as bad as a 6 month affair. So for the time being I am not going to disclose my ONS to her but continue to work on myself and help her work on herself. Maybe once we both are in a better place and we decide to work on the marriage, we can revisit the topic.

 

Neither one of you is ma2re enough for a committed relationship.

 

Marriage is not about comparing and contrasting the worseness of each others' behavior (and why is it that you're allowed 2 do so but she isn't? THAT is the ultimate form of manipulation). Marriage isn't about measuring how bad or good your partner makes you feel. If you're not emotionally healthy before getting involved, you don't have a real relationship.

 

Let her go man, it's over.

 

-ol' 2long

[TMCM]

OP:

 

Yes her six month love affair was "worse" then your ONS because it involved both sex and emotions whereas I assume your ONS were just a bunch of drunken bangs, sex only, no emotion.

 

Isn't this just further feeding his self-righteousness?

 

However you both sound very messed up, there are no children, and frankly you should probably get divorced. You can then each go through whatever counseling you need, and if you really, truly think you love each other, AND you can stop cheating on each other; then get pre-marital counseling, and get re-married. Otherwise you can go your separate ways.

 

Indeed.

[TMCM]

You specifically thread-jacked a completely different thread and in that thread, accused me (falsely by the way) of not responding to male cheaters, asking me to come to this thread, and respond. Now I have done so.

 

Great. I'm glad that you posted.

 

The OP asks if there can be thought of as a "hierarchy of cheating" on which some types of cheating are "worse" than others.

 

My response, in this case, is that there is. A several months long emotional + sex love affair is "worse" on the "cheating hierarchy" than some mindless, emotionless ONS drunken bangs.

 

If we don't buy the 'drunken ONS' card with women, why should we buy it with men who do it repeatedly?

 

If this guy had one ONS and never had another, then I could agree with you that his is the lesser of the two evils, but by his own admission he did it before and after he was married. As you and others have been so eloquently to point out to cheating wives, this is not a mistake but a deliberate choice to cheat on his part to his then fiancee and now wife.

 

As to whether or not it feeds what you perceive as OP's self-righteousness, I don't really care about that one way or the other. They both cheated on each other, she cheated first, but they're both cheaters. Neither has the right to lord it over the other. They are both sitting in the penalty box and cannot act as referees. When you asked me, I didn't commit any penalties, therefore I get to render an opinion on which is the 5 minute major vs. a 2 minute minor.

 

"I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair."

 

Perceived?

 

Does it really matter, though, under all the circumstances? NO. Which is one of the reasons I wouldn't typically post in this kind of thread, or at least not at the length I've been posting in some other threads. Does my opinion really matter, in this thread? NO. The only reason I posted is because you specifically sought my opinion. O.K. now you've got it, as does the OP. He can do with it as he pleases--as can every poster in response to anything I post.

 

Ah but you have no qualms in engaging multiple postings to a former cheating wife but not with a cheating husband?

 

With that attitude I think you proved that I was correct when I said that you and Johnny only cared about engaging unfaithful wives but not unfaithful husbands.

[sally4sara]

We both come from broken homes, never dated outside each other, and have only been in one relationship. We honestly screwed it all up. We both have high demand stressful jobs that don't allow us to spend a lot of time together. (We have opposite busy seasons). We lost focus on each other and became materialisitc and money hungry, the result was we lost focus on each other.

I honestly think we just didnt know how to be in a realtionship. We never had to "work" on it, when we were young and in love, it was just natural. We had a fun life with lots of vacations, nights out, etc. I wish I knew that a relationship took work.

 

Maybe once we both are in a better place and we decide to work on the marriage, we can revisit the topic.

 

Sounds more to me like you never had focus on her and you never knew how to make a relationship work. She was for many years, focused on you to the point of giving you so many second chances that she lost her friggen mind. After being your doormat for so long, she was worn down and gravitated to someone who paid her a bit of attention. Its pretty easy to get a starving animal to eat food out of an offered bowl.

 

Buddy, I grew up in a broken home. I still have enough class to be faithful to people I promise fidelity to and live up to those who place their trust in me. Quit making excuses for yourself.

 

I am appalled that you believe using multiple people like scrap meat on multiple occasions for your philandering urges is better than your unconsidered wife finding comfort with someone she saw as a person with feeling for a few months. You both screwed up but at least she doesn't think people exist for her to use like toilet paper. What she did was wrong wrong wrong, but at least she has a heart.

 

I think you should divorce her so she can stop being in a marriage where her insecurities are poked at until she does something unethical. Its certainly a better idea than you both working towards a better place just to have you THEN decide to drag the remaining betrayals she still doesn't know about back out to toss in her face, reducing her back to square one.

 

You, buddy, sound like the worst kind of rollercoaster. The kind that does the same vomit inducing loop over and over and over. I hope your therapist can help you remove your head from your ass so you don't behave the same way for the next person you meet.

[John Michael Kane]

Sounds more to me like you never had focus on her and you never knew how to make a relationship work. She was for many years, focused on you to the point of giving you so many second chances that she lost her friggen mind. After being your doormat for so long, she was worn down and gravitated to someone who paid her a bit of attention. Its pretty easy to get a starving animal to eat food out of an offered bowl.

 

Buddy, I grew up in a broken home. I still have enough class to be faithful to people I promise fidelity to and live up to those who place their trust in me. Quit making excuses for yourself.

 

I am appalled that you believe using multiple people like scrap meat on multiple occasions for your philandering urges is better than your unconsidered wife finding comfort with someone she saw as a person with feeling for a few months. You both screwed up but at least she doesn't think people exist for her to use like toilet paper. What she did was wrong wrong wrong, but at least she has a heart.

 

I think you should divorce her so she can stop being in a marriage where her insecurities are poked at until she does something unethical. Its certainly a better idea than you both working towards a better place just to have you THEN decide to drag the remaining betrayals she still doesn't know about back out to toss in her face, reducing her back to square one.

 

You, buddy, sound like the worst kind of rollercoaster. The kind that does the same vomit inducing loop over and over and over. I hope your therapist can help you remove your head from your ass so you don't behave the same way for the next person you meet.

 

Oh yea so because he was unemotional towards her she deserved to cheat, while he didn't. Yea she's so innocent. Oh God the sexism is so alive today!