Wife had an affair...but I cheated too

[sally4sara]

Oh yea so because he was unemotional towards her she deserved to cheat, while he didn't. Yea she's so innocent. Oh God the sexism is so alive today!

 

Where did I say she deserved to?

 

In fact I said:

 

"What she did was wrong wrong wrong"

[John Michael Kane]

Where did I say she deserved to?

 

In fact I said:

 

"What she did was wrong wrong wrong"

 

Yet in 80% of your sexist paragraph you crashed him for his behavior in the marriage and his affair. Talk about sexism at it's highest.

 

And no I'm not trying to defend this guy for his cheating because I know both of them are horrible (as I so stated earlier in this thread), but I'm just pointing out the sexism.

 

Sexy!

[sally4sara]

Yet in 80% of your sexist paragraph you crashed him for his behavior in the marriage and his affair. Talk about sexism at it's highest.

 

And no I'm not trying to defend this guy for his cheating because I know both of them are horrible (as I so stated earlier in this thread), but I'm just pointing out the sexism.

 

Sexy!

 

Because I find anyone, male or female, who uses people like they are disposable meat to be disgusting. Even more disgusting than someone who betrays over real feeling for another person.

 

That you don't get that and only think of it in terms of this gender VS that gender is very much due to YOUR sexist attitudes.

 

Not to mention his wife isn't posting so I can't address her at all....

[John Michael Kane]

That you don't get that and only think of it in terms of this gender VS that gender is very much due to YOUR sexist attitudes.

 

Nah the only one who is sexist in this thread is you. You barely even touched on her bad behavior. I see it all the time on here.

 

In "most" women's view on here (lets not forget I said most):

 

A man cheats, he's simply a POS (to which I agree).

 

A woman cheats, there's some deep underlying justifiable reason for her to "fall so hard in love with another man":rolleyes:.

[John Michael Kane]

Not to mention his wife isn't posting so I can't address her at all....

 

Doesn't mean that he should take more blame than her and vice versa.

[bentnotbroken]

Because I find anyone, male or female, who uses people like they are disposable meat to be disgusting. Even more disgusting than someone who betrays over real feeling for another person.

 

That you don't get that and only think of it in terms of this gender VS that gender is very much due to YOUR sexist attitudes.

 

Not to mention his wife isn't posting so I can't address her at all....

 

 

Let it go S4S. Why smack your head against a brick wall when you know what you meant whether others believe that or not. OP is exhibiting jerk behavior and is married to someone who exhibits jerk behavior(lack of coping skills/immaturity/selfishness), yet he "needs" to believe that what she did is somehow worse than what he did. Yeah right. He after all is reaping the seeds he sowed and feels that he should not. Poor baby.

[sally4sara]

Nah the only one who is sexist in this thread is you. You barely even touched on her bad behavior. I see it all the time on here.

 

In "most" women's view on here (lets not forget I said most):

 

A man cheats, he's simply a POS (to which I agree).

 

A woman cheats, there's some deep underlying justifiable reason for her to "fall so hard in love with another man":rolleyes:.

 

I've been the same when a woman posts about her affair. Its called a posting history - look into it.

 

This poster is not a woman and this poster barely registers that he had sex many times with REAL PEOPLE who have REAL FEELINGS, all while trying to tell his partner it was a monogamous relationship she was in with him for 10 YEARS!

YES! She should have dropped his ass instead of becoming similar to him in anyway, but at the very least she didn't treat multiple people like walking flesh tubes that didn't matter and then try to fool herself into thinking that makes her better than some other cheater with a less sociopathic approach.

[John Michael Kane]

YES! She should have dropped his ass instead of becoming similar to him in anyway,

 

You mean exactly the same.

 

but at the very least she didn't treat multiple people like walking flesh tubes that didn't matter and then try to fool herself into thinking that makes her better than some other cheater with a less sociopathic approach.

So you're saying because he's a man and because she cradled with her OM and said "I love you" her cheating is the lesser of the two. Okay, gotcha.

[sally4sara]

You mean exactly the same.

 

So you're saying because he's a man and because she cradled with her OM and said "I love you" her cheating is the lesser of the two. Okay, gotcha.

 

Nope, I'm saying -what? four times now? - that because he is a self absorbed person to the point of treating others as I've said he treats people, like meat/walking flesh tubes/toilet paper, for the span of 10 years....

 

that he is worse than her treating one guy like a valuable person for a few months.

 

Do you work at Goldman Sachs or is it just normal to you for people to treat others like they don't matter while betraying someone else you claim does matter? Do you really need this spelled out in such tiny detailed terms to get what I'm saying. TREATING PEOPLE LIKE MEAT IS BAD. BETRAYAL IS BAD. BETRAYING PEOPLE WHILE ALSO TREATING OTHERS LIKE MEAT IS MORE BAD.

 

geeeeeeeezzzzzzeeeee

 

How 'bout i just leave it in terms you might understand? Fah-Q pig get off my woman dick!

[John Michael Kane]

Nope, I'm saying -what? four times now? - that because he is a self absorbed person to the point of treating others as I've said he treats people, like meat/walking flesh tubes/toilet paper, for the span of 10 years....

 

that he is worse than her treating one guy like a valuable person for a few months.

 

^^^^

 

And people say my opinions are warped.

 

Do you work at Goldman Sachs or is it just normal to you for people to treat others like they don't matter while betraying someone else you claim does matter? Do you really need this spelled out in such tiny detailed terms to get what I'm saying. TREATING PEOPLE LIKE MEAT IS BAD. BETRAYAL IS BAD. BETRAYING PEOPLE WHILE ALSO TREATING OTHERS LIKE MEAT IS MORE BAD.

 

You're refusing to look outside of your sexist view to see that she and he engaged equally in some of the worst behavior known to modern humans. Both of them are equally at fault but of course in your view, he's worse because he's simply a man.

 

How 'bout i just leave it in terms you might understand? Fah-Q pig get off my woman dick!

 

I didn't know you had a ding-a-ling!

[sally4sara]

I didn't know you had a ding-a-ling!

 

Not surprised you're confused; you've probably never been able to find it on anyone.....

 

The clitoris is located at the front of the vulva, where the labia minora meet. The visible portion of the clitoris is the clitoral glans. Typically, the clitoral glans is roughly the size and shape of a pea, although it can be significantly larger or smaller. The clitoral glans is highly sensitive, containing as many nerve endings as the analogous organ in males, the glans penis. The point where the labia minora attach to the clitoris is called the frenulum clitoridis. A prepuce, the clitoral hood, covers and protects the clitoris. The clitoral hood is the female equivalent of the male foreskin.

 

Get off mine and find a new hobby.

[John Michael Kane]

Not surprised you're confused; you've probably never been able to find it on anyone.....

 

The clitoris is located at the front of the vulva, where the labia minora meet. The visible portion of the clitoris is the clitoral glans. Typically, the clitoral glans is roughly the size and shape of a pea, although it can be significantly larger or smaller. The clitoral glans is highly sensitive, containing as many nerve endings as the analogous organ in males, the glans penis. The point where the labia minora attach to the clitoris is called the frenulum clitoridis. A prepuce, the clitoral hood, covers and protects the clitoris. The clitoral hood is the female equivalent of the male foreskin.

 

Oh no I'm the one here that is confused. The joke is on you.

 

Get off mine and find a new hobby.

 

I don't roll that way.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't see how this situation, or the advice to the OP, is being advanced by fuelling the argument about whose cheating was "worse". From my perpsective, I don't see how it helps at all to examine the details of their respective infidelities and try to categorize them. Both of them had sexual relations with other people, which they'd taken vows not to do. Both are cheaters.

 

My point in my original post on this was that hers may be almost excusable (though not actually excusable), not because of the nature of the cheating, but because of the fact that the OP had demonstrated, time and time again, that he had little regard for her, she had taken him back repeatedly, and had no doubt bashed her self-esteem a little bit further into the ground each time. The fact that hers was a several-month affair, rather than one or more one-night stands, is, in my view, irrelevant.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't see how this situation, or the advice to the OP, is being advanced by fuelling the argument about whose cheating was "worse". From my perpsective, I don't see how it helps at all to examine the details of their respective infidelities and try to categorize them. Both of them had sexual relations with other people, which they'd taken vows not to do. Both are cheaters.

 

My point in my original post on this was that hers may be almost excusable (though not actually excusable), not because of the nature of the cheating, but because of the fact that the OP had demonstrated, time and time again, that he had little regard for her, she had taken him back repeatedly, and had no doubt bashed her self-esteem a little bit further into the ground each time. The fact that hers was a several-month affair, rather than one or more one-night stands, is, in my view, irrelevant.

 

In short, it's the contexts in which the infidelities occured that are important, not the details of the infdelities themselves.

[washguy74]

Because I find anyone, male or female, who uses people like they are disposable meat to be disgusting. Even more disgusting than someone who betrays over real feeling for another person.

 

NSA does not have to be about treating someone as meat, could be much more like the beginning of a relationship, only it stops after the first night. I'm sure the women he hooked up with were as comfortable with the NSA angle as he was. They gave and they got too.

 

His crime had mostly a physical component, hers had an emotional and physical component. She gave more and received more with her affair, than he did in all his. As I said I do think the sins are equal but only because his were pathological, repeated intermittently over a long period of time. But it's clear who you think the worse person is here.

 

So I take it if you were the other partner, you could more easily forgive what she did?

[sally4sara]

So I take it if you were the other partner, you could more easily forgive what she did?

 

I would forgive neither, maybe once upon a time when I was younger and more naive. Her, I'd be hurt and angry and I'd tell her to get out and go for what her heart wanted. She'd get only what I absolutely had to give in a divorce.

He, on the other hand would get the worst divorce I could muster, be called out all over town for his belief that some people "don't matter" and the ones who supposedly do still can't get consideration out of him if they are in the way of something he wants even for only a night and still believing he owns the right to the total truth while others remain in the dark about the details.

 

But the question is kind of lost on me. I don't cheat so I'll never be in the position of weighing my own infidelities against those of a partner.

[sally4sara]

It's a shame that you think that all the women who had sex with the OP are "walking flesh tubes," that's anti-feminist since they all are in control of their own bodies and have the free choice to have sex, which they exercised. No it shouldn't have been affair sex but yes it was all consensual.

 

I love the way some people try to veil their motives and then play coy over them. He is presenting them (the one's he will cop to) to his wife as people who do not matter. Consenting or no, I assure you they matter.

 

Fine then fella. Say she did and is doing the exact same he did. Boffed who knows how many men over the course of 10 years, some even after he is standing at the alter with her and legally ties himself and all his life's efforts up to that point with her's. It comes out. He spend more time and money on therapy while she continues to pick and choose what to fess up to with plans of telling him oh, say 2 years later when he is feeling better about life? This doesn't seem a particularly cold hearted way of serving up infidelity to you?

 

If it doesn't, then chalk it up to a difference of opinion if you'd like, but it sure isn't about gender to me.

[washguy74]

However, my state of mind is not allowing me to trust any of my decisions, which include telling her everything or whether trying to make the marriage work. So that is why we are taking the 6 months of separation and therapy to figure ourselves out.

 

We are young, successful, and have no kids. Is it possible to press the "reset" button?

 

I sure hope so. But I am learning this for myself. I think it's about living in the present and the future, and only focusing on the past when it's about making amends for your own wrongs, NOT focusing on your partners. Apologies and forgiveness should be abundant.

 

What I would encourage you to do, is be very clear about what the ground rules are with the opposite sex, during your next six months apart. I assume there'll be no dating, sex, but you both need to spell that out, or whatever it is you guys agree to. You can't truly trust each other right now to abide by those rules, but it's better than no rules and making them up as you go, IMO.

[TMCM]

Guys, why not show that same passionate forensic analysis of yours to the OP? He seems to be in much greater need of it than some of the women you love to spar with.

[Memphis Raines]

misunderstood that to which I was replying, so deleted

[Memphis Raines]

Where did I say she deserved to?

 

In fact I said:

 

"What she did was wrong wrong wrong"

 

yes, but the tone of how you referred to her cheating was that of understanding, such as saying she was finding comfort.

 

he is just as bad as she is. and being cheated on makes one do things. i certainly, however wouldn't have cheated in response to being betrayed. If I were him, I would have kept my dignity in tact and filed for divorce. why stay if I felt that I had to get that kind of revenge?

 

but it does seem like you are trying to put and "understanding" spin on her cheat, even though you did put the disclaimer out there that she was wrong.

 

that and saying he should divorce her, which I agree, but so that she can be saved even though she is the original offender here.

 

Not saying you are being sexist, just notice the kid gloves towards her in this particular post

Edited May 27, 2011 by Memphis Raines

[sally4sara]

Your tone is all wrong. Till you cheer on the guy you're a man hater. Words. More words. Semantics. Yet even more words. Some horse flogging....

 

Since you missed it s4s said:

 

Fine then fella. Say she did and is doing the exact same he did. Boffed who knows how many men over the course of 10 years, some even after he is standing at the alter with her and legally ties himself and all his life's efforts up to that point with her's. It comes out. He spend more time and money on therapy while she continues to pick and choose what to fess up to with plans of telling him oh, say 2 years later when he is feeling better about life? This doesn't seem a particularly cold hearted way of serving up infidelity to you?

 

If it doesn't, then chalk it up to a difference of opinion if you'd like, but it sure isn't about gender to me.

[Memphis Raines]

 

If it doesn't, then chalk it up to a difference of opinion if you'd like, but it sure isn't about gender to me.

 

 

I did not say what you quoted me above as saying.

 

and if you read what i DID say, I said I'm not saying you are being sexist. But you did put her in an "understanding" light since she was seeking "comfort"

 

I no where said anything that the guy should be cheered on. I told him he was no better than she was. And that if he is going to keep her in the dark about what he did that he has no business browbeating her over her cheating and making her think she is the only bottom feeder who cheated in this relationship.

 

he either comes clean with what he did, or he shuts up and leaves her alone about what she did.

[TMCM]

To everybody,

 

Keep in mind that the OP makes an effort to minimize what he did by trying to compare it with what his wife did. Why? because he's afraid that his wife would the same to him if she knew that he was still a philanderer after they got married.

 

Some have even agreed with him that what she did was worse because it involves emotional involvement while his did not, but seem to forget that he has endangered his health and his wife's health risk by at least a factor of 4 or more. So in that context, his behavior has been worse than hers. Instead they go off on a tangent and attack a female poster for what they perceive as a sexist comment on her part.

 

But be that as it may, the fact remains that until he realizes that it is pointless to compare what he did with what she did, he will not do the necessary work on himself to resolve his personal issues that led him to become a philanderer.

 

If he demands that his wife hide nothing from him, then he should be willing to reciprocate in kind. Otherwise all his statements that he loves her and wants to save the marriage are nothing more than words and not worth anything.

[whichwayisup]

I know I should tell her the truth but I can not bring myself to actually doing it. On some level I feel what she did was worse, but I know few people would agree with me. I even think I deserve it as the last poster mentioned.

 

I am just so angry and dissapointed in her because of the audacity of the affair. A long term affair with a co-worker in our backyard. She was living a lie day in and day out for 6 months, having time to digest and think about what she was doing. Her relationship with him was 24/7, with me sitting right there while they texted all night.

 

I have a fear that telling her about my 2 one night stands will ultimately make her feel like her affair was excusable on some level. We have a lot to change about ourselves before we work on the marriage.

 

What good will telling her about these two incidents actually have? I am in therapy and am trying to fix myself, why set her back?

 

My infidelities are not excusable, they were my issues that I am working through despite her.

 

We have decided to separate for at least 6 months and work on our issues and then decide whether to work on the marriage. I do not have much faith or belief either way on how this will play out but airing it out here does help.

 

You won't change unless you suffer consquences too. What's stopping you from cheating on her again with ONS's? What she did vs what you did (on numerious occasions throughout the marriage) - is just as bad as what she's done. It's CHEATING and that's that.

 

If you and her are going to make your marriage work and start over with honesty, respect and honour, then YOU need to tell her the truth. Or..Are you scared that she will have some say/some control over what happens, like maybe she will be devastated and choose to divorce you.. As of now, you have alot of say in how things go because you're the betrayed spouse. She is too, she just doesn't know yet.

 

You owe her the truth. Deal with the consquences and accept your part in the demise of the marriage. Just like she has to as well. But, your cheating is YOUR fault and HER cheating is her fault.