Author 83random Posted May 28, 2011 Author Posted May 28, 2011 After seeking some professinal advice, I have decided not to tell her about my ONS's. The reasons include not putting her through the trauma (and yes myself) and not making an already fragile relationship any more fragile. We are committed to getting help and changing who we are and working on our marriage. We have made real progress so far, but have a long way to go. I am committed to changing and never cheating on her again. I appreciate all the responses.
TMCM Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 (edited) After seeking some professinal advice, I have decided not to tell her about my ONS's. The reasons include not putting her through the trauma (and yes myself) and not making an already fragile relationship any more fragile. As long as you can live with the consequences if the professional's advise ends up blowing up in your face, then so be it. Good luck. Edited May 28, 2011 by TMCM eta
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 After seeking some professinal advice, I have decided not to tell her about my ONS's. The reasons include not putting her through the trauma (and yes myself) and not making an already fragile relationship any more fragile. We are committed to getting help and changing who we are and working on our marriage. We have made real progress so far, but have a long way to go. I am committed to changing and never cheating on her again. I appreciate all the responses. I think you're making a mistake because you're putting the betrayal ALL on your wife, she is going to always feel guilt for doing what she's done. Yet she has no clue you've been cheating on her.. It just isn't right and you're taking away HER decision to work on the marriage with you because you're afraid..Afraid of hurting her, afraid of your fallout and consquences of what you did..Afraid of losing control and being the only betrayed spouse. YOu're afraid to own up to what you did. And, nothing is stopping you from cheating again in the future if you feel distance from your wife or think of her with another man..you alone somewhere drinking and then boom! You are screwing someone else to make you feel better and forget your wife cheated on you. TELL HER the truth. Man up.
whichwayisup Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 As long as you can live with the consequences if the professional's advise ends up blowing up in your face, then so be it. Good luck. He must be seeing a therapist who isn't a marriage counsellor. Most therapists will do what is 'best' for the client and ONLY the client, where as MC does what's best for the marriage and both clients.
anne1707 Posted May 28, 2011 Posted May 28, 2011 After seeking some professinal advice, I have decided not to tell her about my ONS's. The reasons include not putting her through the trauma (and yes myself) and not making an already fragile relationship any more fragile. We are committed to getting help and changing who we are and working on our marriage. We have made real progress so far, but have a long way to go. I am committed to changing and never cheating on her again. I appreciate all the responses. You are not changing if you continue the lie. Your betrayal and disrespect of your wife is still ongoing. You need to be totally open and honest for real change to take place. You are only thinking of yourself. If you wanted to protect your wife, you would not let her think you are the innocent party when you too have been unfaithful. The hypocrisy is appalling.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 After seeking some professinal advice, I have decided not to tell her about my ONS's. The reasons include not putting her through the trauma (and yes myself) and not making an already fragile relationship any more fragile. We are committed to getting help and changing who we are and working on our marriage. We have made real progress so far, but have a long way to go. I am committed to changing and never cheating on her again. I appreciate all the responses. Sounds like you paid a professional to tell you to continue your cowardly behavior so that you can guilt your wife into whatever suits your version of reality. Good luck with that. You are going to need it.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 It's all an issue of control. The excuse of caring for her well-being is simply BS.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 It's all an issue of control. The excuse of caring for her well-being is simply BS. So is her reasons for cheating.
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 It's all an issue of control. The excuse of caring for her well-being is simply BS. Yup. He wants to pay her back for cheating and this is the best way for him to do it, under the pretext of her cheating being worse than his. They are both jacked up. The difference is one has all the information, and one doesn't. Punk move.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 So is her reasons for cheating. Technically you're right, but that is now a moot point since her affair has been discovered and she can no longer use deceit to control her husband. No excuses for her actions. The issue now is that he is unwilling to come clean about his extra-marital ONS with the excuse that he cares for her well-being which is simply BS. If he truly had cared for her well-being he would have never cheated on her again after his so called "drunken" ONS years before they got married. But he continued even after he got married. At this moment in time, he is the one who wants to control her.
John Michael Kane Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 (edited) Technically you're right, but that is now a moot point since her affair has been discovered and she can no longer use deceit to control her husband. No excuses for her actions. The issue now is that he is unwilling to come clean about his extra-marital ONS with the excuse that he cares for her well-being which is simply BS. If he truly had cared for her well-being he would have never cheated on her again after his so called "drunken" ONS years before they got married. But he continued even after he got married. At this moment in time, he is the one who wants to control her. Oh yea so because hers is out she's in the right. The hypocrisy is so hilarious. Edited May 29, 2011 by John Michael Kane
bentnotbroken Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Oh yea so because hers is out she's in the right. The hypocrisy is so hilarious. She is a cheater. She cheated by choice and betrayed her vows. The problem comes in when she thinks she and her cheating spouse are working toward the same goal with the same intention of being open and honest(yes I do believe there are some cheaters who can and will change). She is going to be to be hammered about her infidelity(rightly so) by a person who is just as tainted and did as much dirt to their vows as she did. Yet she won't know that because their is only one person with their crap exposed. She should be able to decide for herself is she even wants to work with someone who lied to her after cheating twice(maybe more). They both should just walk away from marriage because neither is mature enough to be in a marriage. There isn't a more "guilty" party here. They are both wrong. But per his statement they may decide to try again, without him disclosing his lack of respect for marriage either. That isn't right. He nor she deserves to be lied to. This has nothing to do with gender, but what is right.
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 Oh yea so because hers is out she's in the right. The hypocrisy is so hilarious. Yeah tell that to Mr "I am just so angry and disappointed in her because of the audacity of the affair".
TMCM Posted May 29, 2011 Posted May 29, 2011 She is a cheater. She cheated by choice and betrayed her vows. The problem comes in when she thinks she and her cheating spouse are working toward the same goal with the same intention of being open and honest(yes I do believe there are some cheaters who can and will change). She is going to be to be hammered about her infidelity(rightly so) by a person who is just as tainted and did as much dirt to their vows as she did. Yet she won't know that because their is only one person with their crap exposed. She should be able to decide for herself is she even wants to work with someone who lied to her after cheating twice(maybe more). They both should just walk away from marriage because neither is mature enough to be in a marriage. There isn't a more "guilty" party here. They are both wrong. But per his statement they may decide to try again, without him disclosing his lack of respect for marriage either. That isn't right. He nor she deserves to be lied to. This has nothing to do with gender, but what is right. Unfortunately you are making too much sense and his mind - or what's left of it - can't handle your flawless logic
John Michael Kane Posted May 30, 2011 Posted May 30, 2011 Unfortunately you are making too much sense and his mind - or what's left of it - can't handle your flawless logic Yea okay. Says the person who thinks no BS has a say in the marriage if they decide to stay temporarily.
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