break up-she needs space

[ger_in_love]

hiya guya and gals

greetings from ireland,

 

i got mega girlfriend probs, we have been going out for 6 years, she has been married before and is divorced, her former husband is getting married in june which i think may be a factor also her son has crones disease,at the start of our relationship she moved 80 miles from home to be with me, lived with me and my dad for 6 years, she got a work down here and tried very hard to settle in, but the problem is, i being a dairy farmer and having an elderly dad who is very possessive and not in good health, he wouldnt let me go out a lot, we never got away anywhere together and i had to always rush back to do the cows, never got a real chance to built a relationship even after 6 years,

 

she has gradually grown to despise my dad for the way he treated me , and when he would get up outa bed at 3pm she would go to her room till i returned in at 7pm,she would have been crying, that spite has make her lose her love for me,( the situation)

 

she has moved back to her hometown 12 mts ago to do a study course, guess this is why she left but never discussed the problem with me at the time, prolly did not want to tell me my dad was the problem.

 

She,still visited me each month and was loving and caring kisses, cuddles,etc, but it was only a week ago that she told me that she loved me as a brother but was not in love with me, and she wanted space to clear her head and, i think prolly clear me from her brain, that said when we talked on the phone for a few days after the breakup we would both cry, but she says our relationship is over, and is not seeing anyone else i believe her on this, and by becoming friends that maybe tru time it may work again, she said she would give me a glimmer of hope, but i think its finito ,

she is coming down to chat to me in a month, just as friends for a few drinks chat etc, she says it was not me that is the problem but the environment, a gradual process over 12 mts or so

 

the real problem is she is 40 amd im 43 and she wont wait around for another 10 years for my dad to snuff it, the night after she wanted her space on the phone i asked her to come back to me and she said ok ill give up my job to go be with u and we can sit in ever night with ur father ( this was in a mad tone), i blame my dad but i also blame myself for not standing up to him, and not seeing the problem,he is selfish, and i hope i dont turn again him as she has done to me

 

i have told her i will do anything to get her love back even getting someone to look after my dad and doing the cows every few weeks so that i can go meet her to try and rekindle what ever is left, she does not want that saying why did i not do that 12 mts ago, i would have if i had known the extent of the prob, she has done her grieving this last few months,(still made love though) now its my turn to grieve ,

 

i want her back so badly id do anything, at the moment im giving her her space, but we still exchange txt msgs each day, she always sends the 1st one , i have told her id never ring her for 3 weeks to give her time to think, she says she wants me to be her closest friend, we made love only 3 weeks ago( how could she do that if she is not in love with me ?) which she enjoyed, and needed kisses each night before sleeping, do i just tell her to hump it as she has hurt me so bad, or live in hope ?

 

her last txt msg it reads

"U cant give and take love anytime u feel like it, well i cant anyway, u have to see is it there at all, and by that i mean true love, i wont know nothing until i get a spell on my own, at the moment i dont want what we had, coz really what kind of couple were we? we never done anything together, thats what ruined it,, so i want to be on my own to see how i can cope or see do i have have to opt for 2nd best, i want to give myself this test and im going to do it cause im sick of being second best"

 

any ideas how to take this, respond to this ? is it over ?, i have told her that things will be so different, home help etc, i will go meet her instead of her tearing down to me, but she wont listen at the moment saying that im doing her head in,

 

seems she is not willing to try again

 

im gonna give her her month of space

 

she knows exactly how i feel about her and what i will do, do u think that she needs proof rather than words ?

 

 

sorry to be a pain, comments appreciated

[hurtingandconfused]

prolly did not want to tell me my dad was the problem

Your dad was part of it the reason, however you cannot blame it all on him.(She was dating you, not your father)

a gradual process over 12 mts or so

A lot a lot a lot a lot of women do this. I guess it's in their blood, whenever something like this happens it's truly difficult for women to come back to their man.(Mine did it)

i have told her i will do anything to get her love back even getting someone to look after my dad and doing the cows every few weeks

Sometimes it's too late, no matter what you do at this point it will hardly make a difference. Once you lose their love it takes a miracle to get them back.

at the moment im giving her her space

You are not letting her miss you. You are sending her text messages and therefore you are not giving her space.

i have told her that things will be so different, home help etc, i will go meet her instead of her tearing down to me, but she wont listen at the moment saying that im doing her head in,

Don't pressure her, if you make her come back more than likely it will happen again. And the second time will be permanent. You have to let her make her own decision. If she truly loves you she will come back and she will finally tell you want she really wants/wanted.

seems she is not willing to try again

No, she's scared that if she comes back the same routine will continue. She will believe that you think that she is fine with everything. (which she's not) Give her..her space and time.

im gonna give her her month of space

You cannot give her a time limit. Either that space if for you to move on without her or you are holding this space and time perspective wrongly. Love does not have a time limit. Therefore she can take all the time that she wants.

she knows exactly how i feel about her and what i will do, do u think that she needs proof rather than words ?

If you feel as if you did things wrong in your life and you feel that you can improve them for YOURSELF then do it. Do not change for someone else.

[ger_in_love]

hiya hurting and confused

thank u for the effort u put into ur reply all your answers are valid and appreciated

 

yes it was my fault, i took her for granted i guess, she put a lot of effort into our relationship, more so than i did

 

 

quote: You are not letting her miss you. You are sending her text messages and therefore you are not giving her space

 

tis she txts me each day to see how im doing and each night to say goodnight, do u think i should not reply to these texts

 

i will get back later when i get time gotta do those fing cows now

 

 

thanks

ger

[ger_in_love]

ok another thought ?

she wants to be friends and i mean close real friends, wonder is this the way to go ?, in this case we never had a row or anything, just circumstances that shagged things up, maybe by being close friends i may get her love back?, she has said that that is a possibility after we become friends, i know that she is not looking for anyone else in her life, and she has said if she has to remain the rest of her life on her own so be it, i know if my dad was not about things would be ok. i honestly think her mind is up in a heap at the moment,

 

i think ill go the best friends route and see what happens ?start flirting again with her etc, i honestly think she has not given up on me, ill still give her space though she rang me tonight grrr and i answered, all chirpy she was blah blah, i told her she should have text me not rang, and she said she was too tired to text.

any thoughts ?

[hurtingandconfused]

tis she txts me each day to see how im doing and each night to say goodnight, do u think i should not reply to these texts

Be her friend if you want to. That is what she needs right now.

 

she wants to be friends and i mean close real friends, wonder is this the way to go ?

I think that she's lonely and she might be missing your company.

maybe by being close friends i may get her love back?

Who knows that is up to her. Maybe..maybe not.

 

From what it seems like...she needs someone who she can talk to. Someone that she could be there for her as a friend. I don't think that she's in love with you. She might change her mind who knows. No one knows the future. However I might be wrong, this is only my perspective.

 

Good luck though.

[ThisGirlNameKD]

You're missing the point. The reason she doesn't want to get with you is because of your living situation. With your life revolving around your father, she feels like she's second best. She likes you enough to keep you as a friend, but nothing more because she doesn't like the restrictions you're under. If that doesn't change, she's not coming back. Sometimes parents fosters an unhealthy dependence on their children when they in fact don't want to be alone. It's time for you to set some boundaries between you and your father. You have a life to live and things to do aside from taking care of him. And yeah, you're going to have to stand up to him. He may be upset about it, but he'll get over it.