Has anyone Lived and Learned without casualies???

[half_ofa_heart]

Hello Fellow LS'ers. Been a long while since I've posted. I've checked in every now and then but haven't stayed long enough to post. I'm still here and still the OW and yes, still trying desperately to find my way out of this fog. Started Therapy a few months ago but after 2 sessions really didn't care for her so trying out a new one soon.

 

My question to all the OW/OM who have survived an affair is... do you all hate or dislike your MM/MW now? Have any of you gotten out of the affair prior to getting caught? If so, what was the turning point?

 

So desperate for some insight. Still look at my MM with so much love and affection but at the same time, I really do like his wife and really hate what I'm doing to her. I wake up every day with these mixed emotions and hope to get out of it alive with no casualties.

 

Heart

[TigerCub]

Hi

 

former OW here.

I got out without a DDay and xMM's long time girlfriend never knew about me and what happened.

 

I don't hate xMM, but I certainly don't like him.

 

Whatever love I had for him was based on a lie (I'm not talking about the A itself - although that was a lie too).

 

but xMM wore a lot of masks and played a lot of roles and the man he was pretending to be with me was a lie as well - I allowed myself to see what I wanted to see and I fell in love with someone that wasn't really real in the first place.

 

When I realized that, that made NC a lot easier.

For me, the real turning point was when xMM told me about having a child that I didn't know about at all. He told me about one, but a year later confessed to having another kid - at that point it was like come'on!!

 

You will get out of the A if you truly feel guilt about the BS, if you're truly tired of getting crumbs, if it breaks your heart to know that you're not the #1 priority.

 

There isn't much I can tell you.

I'm sure if you look closely enough you'll see cracks in MM's mask and rethink things for yourself.

 

just remember: No one is where they don't want to be.

 

Good luck

[greengoddess]

Honestly, not being mean, if you know and like his wife now imagine the guilt you will feel when she looks at you devastated with dead eyes that have lost their sparkle and asks you how? Imagine the guilt you will feel when married man's life as he knows it now and that of his wife and kids will NEVER be the same again. Imagine the worst scenario in your mind of a dday and times that by a hundred.

[half_ofa_heart]

Honestly, not being mean, if you know and like his wife now imagine the guilt you will feel when she looks at you devastated with dead eyes that have lost their sparkle and asks you how? Imagine the guilt you will feel when married man's life as he knows it now and that of his wife and kids will NEVER be the same again. Imagine the worst scenario in your mind of a dday and times that by a hundred.

 

it haunts me EVERY DAY!!! I didn't know her when the A started (2 years ago) but I do now and although I don't like how she treats him, I do like her as a person. I struggle between my feelings for him (truly selfish I know) and doing what's right. I'm working thru it.

[Silly_Girl]

Hello Fellow LS'ers. Been a long while since I've posted. I've checked in every now and then but haven't stayed long enough to post. I'm still here and still the OW and yes, still trying desperately to find my way out of this fog. Started Therapy a few months ago but after 2 sessions really didn't care for her so trying out a new one soon.

 

My question to all the OW/OM who have survived an affair is... do you all hate or dislike your MM/MW now? Have any of you gotten out of the affair prior to getting caught? If so, what was the turning point?

 

So desperate for some insight. Still look at my MM with so much love and affection but at the same time, I really do like his wife and really hate what I'm doing to her. I wake up every day with these mixed emotions and hope to get out of it alive with no casualties.

 

Heart

 

My affair ended at one point, without a D-day. His wife knew nothing. I wished him well and harboured hopes he'd use our A as a springboard to work on his marriage. Or decide to leave and find someone to make him happy.

 

I didn't hate him. Not at all. I loved him and knew he loved me. Regardless of his inaction towards ending his marriage. I knew he loved me.

 

What's keeping you in the A? What do you get? What don't you get? What do you think the next phase holds for any of you? I agree with TC. If you don't want to be there, you can - will - move on.

[half_ofa_heart]

My affair ended at one point, without a D-day. His wife knew nothing. I wished him well and harboured hopes he'd use our A as a springboard to work on his marriage. Or decide to leave and find someone to make him happy.

 

I didn't hate him. Not at all. I loved him and knew he loved me. Regardless of his inaction towards ending his marriage. I knew he loved me.

 

What's keeping you in the A? What do you get? What don't you get? What do you think the next phase holds for any of you? I agree with TC. If you don't want to be there, you can - will - move on.

 

What keeps me there is the love I feel and receive from him. We were friends first and still remain best of friends. I'm slowly learning that I must be having some committment issues. I am a single mom and have always put my children's needs ahead of my own and since the day I left my husband, I felt that bringing another man into our lives was NOT in their best interest. So, here I am, hiding a man from them and his wife knowing it is WRONG on all counts but feel such a warmth from just a phone call from him. Pathetic I know! Trying to work through it... STILL!!!

[OldOnTheInside]

To be honest, if most fOM/fOW had looked at their affairs with a "risk vs reward" mindset while they were in them, they would have saved themselves a lot of trouble. I would consider doing that personally, should put things in perspective.

 

I really do like his wife and really hate what I'm doing to her

Then try focussing on that, and not on how much you care about MM. Think about it this way, if the BS ever found out, she would be devastated on a psychological level for years. And if she never found out, well, she'd be living a lie to a husband that doesn't show much respect to her on a particular level. So either way, her husband has effed her over to a certain degree with you as his accomplice. And that is one reason why you have to move on from this unhealthy situation.

 

Personally, the cynic in me says that you are unlikely to get out of this situation without casualties since you are close to the two other parties.

 

On the plus side, you are being a bit more introspective and pro-active about your situation than many others. So at least there is progress.

 

One question: Are you thinking about telling his wife?

[half_ofa_heart]

One question: Are you thinking about telling his wife?

 

Heaven's Sake NO! I'm hoping to get out before ANYONE knows of our stupidity. I'm not a bad person. Honestly, I don't think he is either but it doesn't excuse our selfish behavior. Now we are all entangled therefor making a clean break difficult. NC is no longer an option since our lives are co-mingled. Desperately trying to find an easy escape route.

[Carrot2000]

NC is no longer an option since our lives are co-mingled. Desperately trying to find an easy escape route.

 

There is no easy escape route and NC is really the only solution. If you truly want the madness to end, you have to find a way to extricate yourselves from each other's lives.

 

There is no other way, Half.

[OldOnTheInside]

Heaven's Sake NO! I'm hoping to get out before ANYONE knows of our stupidity. I'm not a bad person. Honestly, I don't think he is either but it doesn't excuse our selfish behavior. Now we are all entangled therefor making a clean break difficult. NC is no longer an option since our lives are co-mingled. Desperately trying to find an easy escape route.

 

To put it bluntly, you've dug yourself into a sh*t pit and now you are trapped. No easy escape routes exist, sorry.

 

Another question: Has he told you the exact reasons why he got into the affair in the first place? And do you believe what he says? "Marital issues" is not the most illuminative answer to be honest.

[Silly_Girl]

There is no easy escape route and NC is really the only solution. If you truly want the madness to end, you have to find a way to extricate yourselves from each other's lives.

 

There is no other way, Half.

 

One of you has to set boundaries. If you're serious the boundaries don't even need to be pre-agreed. If you want your R with him to be different, you can unilaterally change it. Anything's possible.

[waytogo]

it haunts me EVERY DAY!!! I didn't know her when the A started (2 years ago) but I do now and although I don't like how she treats him, I do like her as a person. I struggle between my feelings for him (truly selfish I know) and doing what's right. I'm working thru it.

 

Hello Half, (that's a great name in more ways than you may have thought of, did you consider that's at best, as much of this guy's heart you are ever going to have?).

 

I did escape an affair with no known casualties. Truly, every moment that could have been spent with his family that wanted his time instead of with me was a casualty in itself. There was never a DDay though.

 

The destraction, guilt, wanting more was becoming too counterproductive. It was ticking as it sounds it is for you. The warmth from just a phone call you described was fading.

 

The reason your words of 'doing what's right' is in bold is because it's also right for you. Different things happen for people in different time frames when they do the right thing by others and themselves. I was lucky it was less than six months when the right person entered my life (there was one failure person between xMM and right person).

 

Just in case you are worried about being a single mom, there are plenty of good men who accept single mothers. It is worth being cautious of who you let your children get attached to. If you could keep this secret from your child and from a woman you've grown to like, you can get to know another man and decide if and when your child get's to know him.

 

Good luck!

[half_ofa_heart]

There is no easy escape route and NC is really the only solution. If you truly want the madness to end, you have to find a way to extricate yourselves from each other's lives.

 

There is no other way, Half.

 

Ok, so "easy" isn't the right word. How about an escape route?

 

just called to get my appt with my new therapist. She and I will hopefully be working on a new exit strategy. But coming here always puts things into perspective so thanks to all of you. Keep it coming please! Virtual slaps accepted.

[whichwayisup]

Hello Fellow LS'ers. Been a long while since I've posted. I've checked in every now and then but haven't stayed long enough to post. I'm still here and still the OW and yes, still trying desperately to find my way out of this fog. Started Therapy a few months ago but after 2 sessions really didn't care for her so trying out a new one soon.

 

My question to all the OW/OM who have survived an affair is... do you all hate or dislike your MM/MW now? Have any of you gotten out of the affair prior to getting caught? If so, what was the turning point?

 

So desperate for some insight. Still look at my MM with so much love and affection but at the same time, I really do like his wife and really hate what I'm doing to her. I wake up every day with these mixed emotions and hope to get out of it alive with no casualties.

 

Heart

 

I think in your situation, it's only a matter of time before there are casualities, this can't go on forever.. Fact too, that you like his wife and feel bad for what you're doing, yet still have so much love for him and are in the affair means you have no intention of ending it and walking away..That the only outcome to make a 'change' reguardless of what it is, will be his wife finding out the truth. There is no way there won't be casaulties. EVERYBODY is going to feel pain, though ONE person will feel betrayed..Doubley betrayed.

 

Why do you love your MM? Why don't/can't you end it when he has no intention of leaving his wife for you? Why is being the OW enough for you?

[fascinated]

Finding a therapist you like is difficult, I wish you luck! I don't really have an answer for you, haven't been in your situation. Playing devils advocate, though, it sounds like you have the perfect situation -- you have a relationship that won't bleed into your child's life so you don't have to worry about that. The easiest way to get out of it would be to date single men and worry about the introductions/attachments issue, but that could be a different casualty. Wondering how old your child is and who you're really protecting at this point?

[whichwayisup]

it haunts me EVERY DAY!!! I didn't know her when the A started (2 years ago) but I do now and although I don't like how she treats him, I do like her as a person. I struggle between my feelings for him (truly selfish I know) and doing what's right. I'm working thru it.

 

But you still don't know what goes on behind closed doors..

 

And, how she treats him is NO justification to keep the A going. Also you have no idea how HE treats her when you're not there.

 

Find another therapist whom you connect with and can trust. Don't stop until you find one you can talk to and feel comfortable with.

[Snowflower]

it haunts me EVERY DAY!!! I didn't know her when the A started (2 years ago) but I do now and although I don't like how she treats him, I do like her as a person. I struggle between my feelings for him (truly selfish I know) and doing what's right. I'm working thru it.

 

Okay, this might sound harsh and I don't mean for it to be because you seem like a good person.

 

But your sentence (bolded)...gets me. Why do so many OW think it is their business how the married spouses treat one another? Really, you have no idea how their relationship works and its not your business. He likely doesn't treat her all that well either...even moreso now that he is an affair with you.

 

So you like her as a person up to a point...until the way she treats her H. Don't you think you might not be objective here?

 

I feel so sorry for that poor woman. I don't care if she the all-time biggest witch, to be double-betrayed like that has to be just awful. She will find out...either you or the MM will slip up and she will figure it out. I can see it now...both you and he will mention the same thing about something the two of you did together...and it will fall in to place for her.

 

For your own dignity and emotional well-being, I hope you end this immediately. Unfortunately, I don't think you will though and at least three lives will be destroyed.

[greengoddess]

Half please tell me you are not friends with the kids. Please tell me that don't think of you as a close trusted family friend.

[BB07]

Half........I was thinking about you earlier today and wondering what was going on and you confirmed what I thought.

 

Hon........this is going to blow up in your face. It might not if you walk away now but the longer you wait, the higher the odds are. Don't do this to yourself and them. He is NOT worth the price you are going to have to pay.

[half_ofa_heart]

Each and every one of you is correct! I know I need to end this. I knew I shouldn't have ever let it begin. Believe it or not, I have tried soooo many times and for many reasons, I let him back in.

 

I will end this!!!

 

I will do the right thing before anyone gets hurt!!!

 

I have to.

[whichwayisup]

Each and every one of you is correct! I know I need to end this. I knew I shouldn't have ever let it begin. Believe it or not, I have tried soooo many times and for many reasons, I let him back in.

 

I will end this!!!

 

I will do the right thing before anyone gets hurt!!!

 

I have to.

 

Start by talking to him that you can't handle being the OW anymore, especially since you and his wife are friendly, it's getting to you, the double betrayal. That you feel it's time for the A to end, too many emotions are involved and you can't be a part of this affair anymore. Ask to him to respect your wishes and not pursue, chase or come looking for you, you want it over.

[greengoddess]

half there is a message board about "surviving infidelity". In it is a subsection called double betrayal. It's women discussing how their world crashed down when it was their friend and their husband. These women are left with nothing. They can't get support from their husband or their friend, the 2 people who were always there for them, because they are the ones who hurt them the most.

 

read there. You sound like you have compassion. It will bring you to tears and it may knock you into reality.

[OWoman]

Why do so many OW think it is their business how the married spouses treat one another?

 

Observing how someone is with other people clues you in to other aspects of their character. I love to watch my H give presentations, interact with peers / senior managers / junior staff, because I enjoy seeing those different aspects of his persona in play. But during a R, interactions between your SO and others help you to decide whether you could see them as a long term prospect or not. And it also helps explain certain behaviour patterns they may have developed, or some knee-jerk responses they may exhibit with you which seem out of context or out of character.

 

Gaining insight into my H's R with his xW was invaluable for me in understanding him as a person!

[Spark1111]

Okay, this might sound harsh and I don't mean for it to be because you seem like a good person.

 

But your sentence (bolded)...gets me. Why do so many OW think it is their business how the married spouses treat one another? Really, you have no idea how their relationship works and its not your business. He likely doesn't treat her all that well either...even moreso now that he is an affair with you.

 

So you like her as a person up to a point...until the way she treats her H. Don't you think you might not be objective here?

 

I feel so sorry for that poor woman. I don't care if she the all-time biggest witch, to be double-betrayed like that has to be just awful. She will find out...either you or the MM will slip up and she will figure it out. I can see it now...both you and he will mention the same thing about something the two of you did together...and it will fall in to place for her.

 

For your own dignity and emotional well-being, I hope you end this immediately. Unfortunately, I don't think you will though and at least three lives will be destroyed.

 

I agree with SF! I know every affair is different, but my H was distant, cold and unloving and it started before he crashed into her!

 

After the A started, I couldn't do or say anything right, and I am sure he recounted HIS perception of it to her in great detail.

 

I'm sure that served two purposes: He could feel less guilty, and the guilt was starting to consume him; and her sympathy for our "marriage" and how poorly I "supposedly" treated him kept her firmly in place as an AP for waaaay too long.

 

Eventually, he got caught and in retrospect, subconciously he may have wanted to.

 

Eventually, most affairees are caught.

 

What are you doing here? Get out before the sh.t hits the fan and the consequences are horrific and devastating for all.

[half_ofa_heart]

you sound very sad, which is too bad, as it also sounds like you have a huge heart and an awful lot of love to give...

 

I am glad that you are sticking with therapy. I know that it can take a while to find the one that is the right 'fit", but don't give up. It can be well worth the trouble. after I found out about my husband's affair, it took us a bit of time to find the right counselor for us ( we both tend to be pretty pragmatic, and both of us like a counseling style where hard questions were asked and there wasn't a lot of "head patting and hand holding"... mind you, that's just us, everyone is different)

 

Thanks Frozen... I am sad and very confused (pretty much a constant for the past 2 years). As i stated before, when i started this affair, I didn't know her or who she was but thru community interactions have gotten to know her and become friends with her. It was and is tough! I am truly not a bad person which is why the guilt gets to me.

 

He's called me several times this morning and I haven't answered. He has no idea what's going on in my head and I can't talk to him because he will manage to say things that put us right back to where we always are - in an affair. It happens every time. Feeling too weak to talk to him right now which is total chicken s**t but oh well. don't know how else to deal right now.