Has anyone Lived and Learned without casualies???

[greengoddess]

half not to be mean but you are not her friend. friends don't do harm to the other and always have their back. you are stabbing hers.

[bentnotbroken]

it haunts me EVERY DAY!!! I didn't know her when the A started (2 years ago) but I do now and although I don't like how she treats him, I do like her as a person. I struggle between my feelings for him (truly selfish I know) and doing what's right. I'm working thru it.

 

 

Now this statement stood out to me. This is one of the things in my situation that OW used to jusify her involvement. She felt as if I didn't "deserve" my life style or what Mr. Messy may have done for me. Had she bothered to really talk to me(yes she knew me and my children, though I doubt she liked me as a person).

 

Yes, I was distant, didn't show affection publically to Mr. Messy and probably said some pretty pissy things about him if someone complimented him. What she nor anyone else knew was what he was doing to me in private. He was good. He had the public image and the one that the family got. His daily drug was what put down could he lay on me. He was affectionate when he wanted to have sex....otherwise, forget it.

 

He had a way of criticizing all my ideas and when I wanted to do something for myself he laid the guilt on so thick of how I was hurting the family and the kids that I usually backed off just so he would shut the hell up. He withheld conversation, emotional support(dealt with health issues and the death of several family members alone) The timing was not convienent for him. I was called a bad mother because I didn't see things the way he did. He feed into the depression.

 

He bought all my clothes, jewelry, even undies and nail polish. At first I thought that was love, now I know it was control. I was told to stay at home with the children because he didn't want his children in daycare. Then I was told in front of people get a job and get off your "lazy azz". When I did get a job after the kids went to school, he said it didn't make enough money because any trained seal could do it(I did not have my degree at the time and I needed a job that was flexiable because of his travel schedule).

 

I grew resentful and very, very angry. I acted out on that anger. The more I acted out, the more he pressed buttons. He now admits he did that so that he could call me crazy and make me self medicate. Just so you know...no one has a clue what really happens within the confines of a family. The OW in my situation, knew what he told her(truth or not) ...nothing more.

[half_ofa_heart]

Now this statement stood out to me. This is one of the things in my situation that OW used to jusify her involvement. She felt as if I didn't "deserve" my life style or what Mr. Messy may have done for me. Had she bothered to really talk to me(yes she knew me and my children, though I doubt she liked me as a person).

 

Yes, I was distant, didn't show affection publically to Mr. Messy and probably said some pretty pissy things about him if someone complimented him. What she nor anyone else knew was what he was doing to me in private. He was good. He had the public image and the one that the family got. His daily drug was what put down could he lay on me. He was affectionate when he wanted to have sex....otherwise, forget it.

 

He had a way of criticizing all my ideas and when I wanted to do something for myself he laid the guilt on so thick of how I was hurting the family and the kids that I usually backed off just so he would shut the hell up. He withheld conversation, emotional support(dealt with health issues and the death of several family members alone) The timing was not convienent for him. I was called a bad mother because I didn't see things the way he did. He feed into the depression.

 

He bought all my clothes, jewelry, even undies and nail polish. At first I thought that was love, now I know it was control. I was told to stay at home with the children because he didn't want his children in daycare. Then I was told in front of people get a job and get off your "lazy azz". When I did get a job after the kids went to school, he said it didn't make enough money because any trained seal could do it(I did not have my degree at the time and I needed a job that was flexiable because of his travel schedule).

 

I grew resentful and very, very angry. I acted out on that anger. The more I acted out, the more he pressed buttons. He now admits he did that so that he could call me crazy and make me self medicate. Just so you know...no one has a clue what really happens within the confines of a family. The OW in my situation, knew what he told her(truth or not) ...nothing more.

 

 

Wow!!! Thank you so much Bent for giving me the other side of the story without criticizing me. It truly is helpful and productive. I'm sure he's no saint and I've told him as much. The fact of the matter is I'm in this damn fog and see him in this gold (not silver) lining and I can't see any flaws. I suppose focusing on what "she is doing wrong" is an attempt to justify my horrible behavior. I'm desperately trying to find a good therapist to help me get out. I've been here so many times and never ever succeed.

 

Thanks again for your honest and productive input. I truly do appreciate it.

[Snowflower]

Wow!!! Thank you so much Bent for giving me the other side of the story without criticizing me. It truly is helpful and productive. I'm sure he's no saint and I've told him as much. The fact of the matter is I'm in this damn fog and see him in this gold (not silver) lining and I can't see any flaws. I suppose focusing on what "she is doing wrong" is an attempt to justify my horrible behavior. I'm desperately trying to find a good therapist to help me get out. I've been here so many times and never ever succeed.

 

Thanks again for your honest and productive input. I truly do appreciate it.

 

I hope my response didn't seem harsh but maybe it did. I guess I get a little sensitive because my H said all sorts of cr*p about my failures as a wife during his A. He said a lot of it to my face-and it was weird stuff-random things from like 8 years before. But it made me wonder what he said to the OW. That was almost the biggest betrayal of all.

 

And I reacted badly during the A (when it was unknown to me) when he would say stuff to me-even the smallest thing. I knew something was off with him but I didn't know what.

 

So that is what I think might be the case with the BW in your situation. She knows intuitively that something is wrong in her marriage. She is on edge and it causes her to say and do things differently in regards to her H.

 

I'm not excusing her--she could be a terrible witch--but I think if she was that unpleasant then you wouldn't even be friends with her. More likely, her treatment of him directly correlates to his emotional absence from her due to the affair.

 

Just as I said, you don't know exactly what is going on between them. But you can bet that his involvement with you has seriously damaged any intimacy (emotional) that he had with her.

[half_ofa_heart]

I hope my response didn't seem harsh but maybe it did. I guess I get a little sensitive because my H said all sorts of cr*p about my failures as a wife during his A. He said a lot of it to my face-and it was weird stuff-random things from like 8 years before. But it made me wonder what he said to the OW. That was almost the biggest betrayal of all.

 

And I reacted badly during the A (when it was unknown to me) when he would say stuff to me-even the smallest thing. I knew something was off with him but I didn't know what.

 

So that is what I think might be the case with the BW in your situation. She knows intuitively that something is wrong in her marriage. She is on edge and it causes her to say and do things differently in regards to her H.

 

I'm not excusing her--she could be a terrible witch--but I think if she was that unpleasant then you wouldn't even be friends with her. More likely, her treatment of him directly correlates to his emotional absence from her due to the affair.

 

Just as I said, you don't know exactly what is going on between them. But you can bet that his involvement with you has seriously damaged any intimacy (emotional) that he had with her.

 

Thanks SnowFlower for clarifying. Trust me, I know I deserve harsh! I know what I'm doing is wrong. Their marriage was having problems long before I came into the picture. I was only his friend in the beginning (EA) so I knew about their problems. But that doesn't justify our behavior. I do believe that our A now has/is contributing to current problems which is why I desperately want out. I don't need anymore guilt than I already have.

 

But thank you for clarifying. Harsh hurts but I need a little slap of reality.