denial

[wolvie]

If both parties are in denial about a breakup of a relationship, what does this mean? Is it that both have to realize that it over for good, or we need time apart? I am going crazy trying to analyze my situation.

[Paulie]

Please explain the details of the situation a little more. I just need a little more specifics of the story. Thanks!

 

[Tony T]

YOU ASKED: "If both parties are in denial about a breakup

 

of a relationship, what does this mean?"

 

When we are in denial, we are unable or reluctant to acknowledge a fact, in this case that a break-up has occured. There is a problem with dealing with reality. If both parties are in denial, then the break-up may have been ambiguous and needs to be restated in very clear and certain terms...something like "THIS RELATIONSHIP IS HEREBY DECLARED OVER, FINISHED, TERMINATED, CONCLUDED, DEAD, ENDED, FINALIZED, AND SHALL NEVER EXIST AGAIN UNLESS OTHERWISE AGREED BY BOTH PARTIES UNDER TERMS AND CONDITIONS MUTUALLY SATISFACTORY. GOOD BYE FOR NOW!!!"

 

If after a statement like that, either party is still in denial, psychological counselling may be necessary.

 

YOU ALSO ASKED: "Is it that both have to realize that it (is) over for good, or (do) we need time apart?"

 

I am assuming that at least one party wanted this relationship terminated. A relationship is ended when one of the parties wants it to end, since a relationship requires the full consent of both parties. The nature of a break up implies that you will get time apart, a lifetime apart, unless circumstances may bring you together in the future. Usually, the same dynamics that caused one or both partners to require the relationship end will still be there if it is reinitiated unless one or both parties makes major changes.

 

Again, to make it very clear, a break up is a conclusion or end to a relationship whereas a time apart or separation is whatever both parties agree will be the terms of the separation. Time aparts are usually taken because one or both of the parties says they "need space." This too is very ambiguous and usually is a nice way of saying "I am sick and tired of being around here." Sane people do not need space from a healthy, satisfying situation or one where the parties are willing to do the work necessary to make it better.

 

YOUR LAST CONCERN: "I am going crazy trying to analyze my situation."

 

So am I. Your questions are ambiguous and sadly lacking details. If the break-up was similar, I can see why you are confused. To properly analyze your situation, you have to have details. I hope that my statements above have helped.

 

If you are still not sure whether you have broken up or are just taking time apart, call your possible ex and ask him what his take is on this issue.

[Tony T]

Additionally, denial is sort of a state of shock after a traumatic situation. If you are referring to this emotional state, it is very normal right after a true break-up, especially if you are the one who didn't want it. It is the first stage of grief. Among the other stages are anger (it's great when you get there) and ultimately acceptance...which is the opposite of denial.

 

I really hope I have helped with the very limited details you have set forth.

 

If you have recently endured a real break up, I am truly sorry. They can be extremely hurtful and traumatic. If that is the case, please seek support from friends, family and even professionals if severe depression sets in.

[Deejette]

I think you are not the one who initiated the break-up, or you would know that it is over. Therefore you do not want to face a clean break and seek refuge in denial and ambiguity. I broke up with a man and he was in denial about it. He kept saying that I did not really mean what I said and that I did not know my own mind. He kept coming around, calling, and stalking me. I was very clear that it was over and he was not ready for it, so he said that both of us were not sure about it.

Additionally, denial is sort of a state of shock after a traumatic situation. If you are referring to this emotional state, it is very normal right after a true break-up, especially if you are the one who didn't want it. It is the first stage of grief. Among the other stages are anger (it's great when you get there) and ultimately acceptance...which is the opposite of denial.

 

I really hope I have helped with the very limited details you have set forth. If you have recently endured a real break up, I am truly sorry. They can be extremely hurtful and traumatic. If that is the case, please seek support from friends, family and even professionals if severe depression sets in.