am i a lost cause?

[applefruit]

I cant get my act together and good things wont just show up at my front door . if you sit and wait for sucess , failure will arrive before you know it

Im going to be 28 in a few weeks and Im sick with a debilitating life threatening medical problem for 2 yrs since i was 25 that disables me. it is very painful and i scream in pain every day.i am also losing my memory and mental abilities due to this illness that i only got because im forced to live at my parents house and there was a deadly bacteria on their carpeting that got me sick.

so needless to say not only do i live with my parents still, i cannot work because im weak all the time and a good day for me is when i have 100% speech ability and im not shaking too much. someone here said to check if im being drugged, who knows at this point.

i do feel very weak all the time like sleepy, so i munch on food to try to get more energy, it helps sometimes but as a result i gained about 30 pounds and look a mess now.

for the first day since early 2009 i started to not have severe pain and i began to feel better, well guess what today i feel more sick and more weak again. yay for me (sarcasm). so now i feel like giving up again and i feel too weak to leave the house now and apathy like i dont care if today is bad or what happens.

so here i am soon to be 28 too weak to do anything,probably somewhat depressed,have apathy and dont care if i get deported to guatamala tomorrow(im not guatamalan, just using an example). im living still with my parents, i didnt even go away to a college dorm.i have no friends in real life because ive been homebound and too deadly sick to go out most of the time and meet up with people of my age group. also that prevented me from speaking to old friends so i lost old friends who were creeped out by my contageos medical issue.

so no friends, not able to work because im weak so im disabled, and live with mom and dad. ive also never been on a date either. so thats entire adult life future hasnt happened.

 

rewind back to before 2009 before i got sick and i was disabled for a few years before that because of a back injury so i had to rehiabilitate and recover my mobility and rewind before that i was a college student who didnt complete a collge degree. and rewind before that and it was a crummy childhood.

it seems my entire adulthood besides 2 years has been spent rehabilitating from some life stopping issue. deadly flesh eating bugs,accident, childhood trauma.

 

i was severely abused as a child and teenager (physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, neglect too sometimes) but i was a resilient kid and struggled to survive what my parents put me through and i think at 18 i was ok compared to how beat down i was.i turned out fine then, a smart, bright young adult with potential and a bright future.

thats what i thought and now im a statistic. im one of those abused kids with the bad childhood that dosn't have a sane adulthood.

Im not a drug dealer,alchoholic, criminal or homeless. But my definition of sane adulthood is to have a job, be happy, have friends, do what you want to do with your time and be independent living on your own property

 

i used to see movies about the 30 yr old dude living with his parents and id laugh severely at it haha what grown man lives with their parents. and now i dont laugh so much anymore.

 

 

i dont believe im staying sick and time is going by. i dont even get along with my parents. they dont hit me anymore. its the same abusive parents that damaged my youth.

 

i thought by now id be married, have a career, live far away have a child and alot of money in my bank account.

 

i think bad things happened to me because i allow them to happen. im a goldfish hanging around a fishing boat . im easy to destroy

its bad events one and another, really bad horrible things that dont happen to people. ive been through alot.

 

and its stopped me from living my life purpose. i dont realise that alot of things that stop me in life are caused by bad people around me such as my family. i let people walk all over me and it leads me to bad things. most of the things ive gotten in my life i had to fight for. ive had people stand in the way.

my parents didnt allow me to go to school past 9th grade and i loved school and being educated,im an intelectual type of person. but as a way to control me they didnt allow that. so i had to fight to get a ged and get myself into college. no one helped me, no highschool college advisor, only myself

. my parents say terrible things to me, they do not want me to be happy or sucessful. that will be their worst day if i got a career. they told me they dont want me to move away or be independent.

my parents are truly sick people with what they told me they want for me.

but it makes sense them isolating me,controlling me, telling me im worthless since i found out its common for abusers to do that

 

so i dont know what to do, i dont want to be a statistic. like one of those prison inmate drug dealer people who blame a bad childhood for their adult drug crime and dont have a real future.

 

but here i am 27, disabled, i mean if i cant do anything i cant do anything? maybe i should not give up and refuse to stay sick because if i get well i can do SOMETHING , anything. even if its something stupid

 

so what are my parents keeping me disaabled and too weak to care so that they can rob my indepenence from me?

 

and i think im becoming sort of depressed from this. i think being my age and not having a career or be working towards one would be upset.

 

i also cannot take the insults from my family, my younger sister terrorises me, tells me im worthless and the brags about her great life to me how shes going to have a big great career and makes fun of me. she scares me

 

they are selfish and i get a free roof and some spending money for groceries or basic stuff from my parents but no one does anything for me, i look after myself ,cook and prepare all meals, make and go to dr apointments on my own,shop, do errands for myself.

 

also my father keeps going to court against me to cause trouble and lies in court against me, he knows im not well enough to get to court to defend myself so he always wins the cases. he is a narcissist so he always has to "win" against someone and is always starting feuds with people in my family.

he says you might win the battle but i will win the war. and i do not want to fight back towards people.

 

my instincts are telling me that my family members are ruining my life, maybe it is right.

but i do feel worthless because most of my life ive heard from family members how worthless i am and how i dont deserve a regular life and how everyone else is much better than me. which is probably not true. but you start to believe the lies people say to you

 

so i feel amess, am i right to think this way. im almost an 28 yr old woman,live with my mom and dad,am trying to recover from a terrifying life threatening disease, im too disabled to work or leave the house alot of times,no social life, no college degree. family says they hate me.

 

none of this should be. i should be well, independant, happy surrounded by supportive positive friends or relatives, have a good career.

 

maybe i need to be stronger, fight more for whats mine, not be a floormat? i cant allow negative things to happen to me. whatever bad could happen will happen.

 

my life is infested with rodents and termites who are destroying everything (bad relatives, bad events)

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