Infidelity is a Good Thing?

[Wandaland]

I am appalled that there's actually someone here in this forum who thinks that there's nothing wrong with infidelity. I was reading an old thread (which I can't seem to find right now) and the OP says that she thinks that cheating on your spouse is not only a good thing, but it can also help a marriage. I am just so horrified by this that I have to post this thread to express my thoughts on this.

 

The OP sleeps with married men, and she actually thinks that these married men are respectful to their wives.

 

Now let's make this perfectly clear. Those married men do not respect their wives. They lie to them, they deceive them, they betray them, they break their trust, etc. So how in the world are they respecting them? Use your brain!

 

She also mentions one of the married men she sleeps with. And he's actually happily married. The only problem is that he wants "variety". Well, then he shouldn't have gotten married in the first place! He shouldn't have made a vow that he would spend the rest of his life with one person! Most of his needs are met by his wife, except that she doesn't want to give him head! Which is why he's cheating on her! Can you believe that?! He needs to start appreciating what he has now (wife and kids) instead of acting like a greedy, spoiled child who keeps wanting more and more, especially if his wife is giving him quite enough, since he's so happily married. The fact that he's willing to risk loosing his wife and kids for a few minutes of sex with this woman is downright cruel and pathetic. The funny thing is that he teaches his kids about honesty and trust. What a hypocrite.

 

Another thing that really blew my mind is how she thinks that 99%, if not ALL, of the people in this world are cheaters. This is just ridiculous. Sorry honey, but there are actually quite a lot of people who wouldn't have the heart to betray their spouse like that. Not everyone is that selfish and inconsiderate.

 

I'm sure the OP wouldn't like it if she was cheated on - or - if her daughter was cheated on, yet she has no problem screwing men who already has a woman of their own. This truly disgusts me.

 

Anyway, that's about all I wanted to say.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

our dear pal Lizzie60....... I'm sure many miss her bon mots.....

[bentnotbroken]

There is a current poster who is saying that her affair helped her marriage...yet I would bet her husband would disagree if he knew.

[shadowofman]

I personally believe that promiscuity can help a marriage. But that's not the same thing as cheating (which is obviously destructive when exposed). But I would also argue that whilst hidden, there is no harm being done.

 

And I do agree that a very large number of people cheat. It's an unfortunate result of people's tendency to be promiscuous, and extreme taboo against stepping out. Such is life in wierd, modern Western Civilization.

[Spark1111]

The most amazing thing to me is that what is good for the gander is never good for the goose.

 

Any extra-curricular activity outside of marriage hurts the relationship, period.

 

And these men who claim to be happily married while having affairs collapse into sorry puddles of total despair when they discover the wifey may have done or be doing the same.

 

I do not understand the lack of effort put into modern day relationships. All relationships need constant nurturing to grow and thrive.

 

Are we, as a culture, becoming so much more selfish and self-entitled? One would think so until one sees the media fallout of a Arnold and Maria.

 

The court of public opinion still judges affairs and APs harshly. Very harshly.

[Memphis Raines]

I am appalled that there's actually someone here in this forum who thinks that there's nothing wrong with infidelity. I was reading an old thread (which I can't seem to find right now) and the OP says that she thinks that cheating on your spouse is not only a good thing, but it can also help a marriage. I am just so horrified by this that I have to post this thread to express my thoughts on this.

 

The OP sleeps with married men, and she actually thinks that these married men are respectful to their wives.

 

Oh and I bet I know exactly who you are talking about. She even brags about getting paid for her services.

 

Just another reason why I never post in OM/OW and don't go there and read that crap.

 

 

Now let's make this perfectly clear. Those married men do not respect their wives.

 

exactly right.

[TigerCub]

I personally don't think any good can come out of lying, betraying and deceiving a spouse or significant other...

 

I just have a question with regards to couples who stay together after an affair and say "Our marriage is now better than its ever been"

 

Are they fooling themselves, or are the really experiencing a better more honest M now that bottled up issues have been resolved, flaws and vulnerabilities are more obvious but there was a real strong will to be honest and fix things afterwards?

 

I'm honestly not asking this question to be a smart ass. I really don't think that infidelity and lying would ever really help a relationship, but that statement strikes me as a somewhat contradiction to the notion that all is lost and ruined with infidelity.

[TigerCub]

Yes it is possible if the cheating and disclosure of it, is viewed as a "crisis" in the relationship which results in "catharsis." Not to say that there is a successful resolution in most or even very many cases, but it can be viewed as having the same affect on a relationship as any other major life crisis--death of a child, serious illness--of disastrous proportions.

 

Adversity can either destroy the relationship or in some cases make it stronger.

 

 

 

No infidelity and lying don't ever help--that's the "disaster" part. It is the process of recovery from disaster, if possible, that can make for a stronger relationship, as a broken bone if healed properly can become stronger than before the injury.

 

Thank you for the explanation

[nyrias]

I am only going to address one point: how prevalent is cheating?

 

http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/cheating-and-infidelity/stats-about-infidelity.html

 

And I quote "It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see, Buss and Shackelford for review of this research)."

 

Even 1/3 seems like a pretty big number. It is certainly not an isolated, rare event.

[Owl]

So here's my thought.

 

Affairs are NOT a good thing. Lying, cheating on your spouse, breaking your vows...all negative things that hurt people tremendously.

 

Now...it is possible to take a horrible crisis like being cheated on and using it as a catalyst for change in your relationship.

 

The bottom line would be taking a painful, devestating experience that no one should go through...and using it to eventually change how your relationship works so that you won't go through something like that again.

 

My wife's EA was not something I'll ever consider a positive thing. However...we did use it to create changes in our marriage that are improvements over what we had before.

 

The affair...negative thing. The changes that were made as a result...positive.

 

Two different things. Don't confuse them with each other and it can make a lot of sense.

 

My marriage now has much better communication. My wife learned a lot about boundaries, how to limit her interactions with others, and how to safeguard our marriage from this happening again.

 

Did I want to go through the pain of an affair to get to that point...heck no.

 

But it is what it is...and we'd be doubly foolish not to use the lessons learned to avoid letting it happen again.

[bentnotbroken]

I personally believe that promiscuity can help a marriage. But that's not the same thing as cheating (which is obviously destructive when exposed). But I would also argue that whilst hidden, there is no harm being done.

 

And I do agree that a very large number of people cheat. It's an unfortunate result of people's tendency to be promiscuous, and extreme taboo against stepping out. Such is life in wierd, modern Western Civilization.

 

 

Yup, my children and I weren't being hurt at all before we found out. The bills that weren't being paid, the exposure to STD's or even the fact that he was emotionally and verbally abusive. We didn't know it was because of the affair(s) so we really didn't experience any pain at all. :rolleyes::rolleyes:Right...uh huh.

[donnamaybe]

Once that statement was made about how an A can "help" a marriage, the question was posed to the person who stated it why she didn't then sleep with her friend's H in an effort to improve their M. She had no answer, in fact, evaded the question numerous times.

 

Hypocrisy and rationalization at its finest.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But I would also argue that whilst hidden, there is no harm being done.

 

You cannot both betray and uphold the marriage. You can't be both for and against. Plenty of damage is done even when the BS is unaware. Coping mechanisms used by cheaters often border on abusive to the partner. Deflection, projection, lying, gaslighting, blame shifting, hardly improve any relationship. Not to mention that the WS often rewrites marital history once the fog sets in. How are those things not harmful to the marriage?

[Owl]

Once that statement was made about how an A can "help" a marriage, the question was posed to the person who stated it why she didn't then sleep with her friend's H in an effort to improve their M. She had no answer, in fact, evaded the question numerous times.

 

Hypocrisy and rationalization at its finest.

 

I never DID get an answer to that question.

 

I was simply told that she wouldn't. She refused to admit that doing so would have been a betrayal of her friendship.

[donnamaybe]

I never DID get an answer to that question.

 

I was simply told that she wouldn't. She refused to admit that doing so would have been a betrayal of her friendship.

Yep. You and I both asked her. She skirted every which way around that question, but refused to actually entertain it.

 

VERY telling.

[silktricks]

I personally don't think any good can come out of lying, betraying and deceiving a spouse or significant other...

 

I just have a question with regards to couples who stay together after an affair and say "Our marriage is now better than its ever been"

 

Are they fooling themselves, or are the really experiencing a better more honest M now that bottled up issues have been resolved, flaws and vulnerabilities are more obvious but there was a real strong will to be honest and fix things afterwards?

 

I'm honestly not asking this question to be a smart ass. I really don't think that infidelity and lying would ever really help a relationship, but that statement strikes me as a somewhat contradiction to the notion that all is lost and ruined with infidelity.

 

I'll respond here, as I'm one of the posters who say our marriage is better now than it was prior to the affair. The reason the marriage is better now is not because he had an affair per se, but rather because we both are now better about talking out our issues. Neither of us were good at discussing hurt feelings and other things that seemed too trivial to bring up. The problem with that thought process, though, is that a lot of "trivial" things can make one huge gigantic mess of a problem. And when things aren't discussed a lot of incorrect assumptions can (and are) made. Decisions are then based on those incorrect assumptions, and there goes the relationship.

 

Our marriage is better. We are much closer than we ever were before. The cheating did not bring us closer, though. The cheating almost broke us. What brought us closer was the healing after the cheating. Could the closeness come without the cheating? Yes, it could have - I don't know if it would have, but it certainly could have.

 

It would have been much less painful if we would have done something like MC to resolve our problems - which in hindsight really weren't that catastrophic - but they seemed huge to each of us at the time and... probably the most important thing is that each of us was putting the blame on the other. Now, we take responsibility for our own stuff AND we take responsibility for talking to each other about our fears and frustrations.

 

Our marriage now is what both of us wanted before, but neither of us knew how to get here.

 

So people who cheat and want an excuse will (sometimes) say, see cheating will strengthen a marriage --- uh, no. Cheating sucks at all levels. But if 2 people really do love each other, and for whatever reason, one of them cheats, the fixing process might resolve some underlying issues in which case they might end up with a stronger marriage.

Edited May 24, 2011 by silktricks

[John Michael Kane]

I just have a question with regards to couples who stay together after an affair and say "Our marriage is now better than its ever been"

 

Even though you were an OW, I agree with you. Those who say that are in complete denial, sucking up what their WS feeds them.

[Owl]

Even though you were an OW, I agree with you. Those who say that are in complete denial, sucking up what their WS feeds them.

 

I take some serious offense to this.

 

I am NOT in denial. You are clueless. You're trying to dictate to others what they've got to be feeling/doing/experiencing when you've not been there yourself.

 

I get that you're hurt. I get that you're bitter over what you went through. I get that you felt that there was no reconciliation possible in your situation.

 

I got it.

 

But don't think that because your situation was unrecoverable that makes every other situation the same.

 

Don't think that because you were incapable of healing after the affair that you're capable or qualified to say that no one else can, nor can anyone else's marriage possibly recover or improve because you were incapable of doing so.

 

Sorry.../rant off.

 

But I'm DONE with sitting here watching this kind of junk fly.

[TigerCub]

Even though you were an OW, I agree with you. Those who say that are in complete denial, sucking up what their WS feeds them.

 

I actually didn't see it that way - I was just questioning the statement, and I got some really honest answers that explained that although the traumatic experience doesn't make the M stronger, getting through it together, working to save what's valuable, being in a place that's more honest that even before said experience IS what makes the M stronger.

 

I can certainly understand those answers.

 

If people stay without working on the issues and addressing the affair, and just stay out of being dependent or wanting to turn a blind eye - IMO that sucks but that's their choice.

 

The responses I got were no where near that. I think it takes a lot of strength to look within and to address our failures.

 

I don't know if I would take a cheater back (mainly because of not being able to trust them) but people who do stay AND work hard to be honest and open and communicate better are actually strong people in my view.

[Snowflower]

Even though you were an OW, I agree with you. Those who say that are in complete denial, sucking up what their WS feeds them.

 

Uh, wow. That was mean. Especially to those here who already posted their honest answers about an extremely painful episode in their lives.

 

I guess I am in denial then. Thank you for telling me how I am living my life.

[Snowflower]

I personally don't think any good can come out of lying, betraying and deceiving a spouse or significant other...

 

I just have a question with regards to couples who stay together after an affair and say "Our marriage is now better than its ever been"

 

Are they fooling themselves, or are the really experiencing a better more honest M now that bottled up issues have been resolved, flaws and vulnerabilities are more obvious but there was a real strong will to be honest and fix things afterwards?

I'm honestly not asking this question to be a smart ass. I really don't think that infidelity and lying would ever really help a relationship, but that statement strikes me as a somewhat contradiction to the notion that all is lost and ruined with infidelity.

 

re: the bolded...

 

I can understand how, on the outside it would look like it was serious delusion for a couple who had experienced infidelity to say anything like that.

 

I would have probably thought something similar myself a few years ago...even though I would have had the tact never to say that to someone who had experienced infidelity.

 

However, I do post here that my marriage is better and just completely different despite not because of (see the difference) my husband's infidelity. Trust me, nothing about that painful time made my marriage better.

 

I will say though, that I liken the affair to a forest fire, or as another poster said, a catalyst, that ravaged what was once beautiful and innocent. Everything was ugly afterward. I thought nothing would survive but then I realized that the very essential enduring things that had brought my H and I together years before were still there...just like the forest fire, the land features that once made the forest so beautiful are still there (hills, streams, etc)despite the devastation. For my H and I it was all those things we still loved about one another despite everything.

 

So my H and I, through long, painful talks and therapy sessions and with a lot of love, made the journey back to one another again. We had lost each other-or so we thought.

 

So while the affair was painful and awful and I would never go through that again, it did not and does not define us as a couple or individuals or even as a family. We had great times in the 18 years before the affair and have had great times together since. Life goes on. We learned, we grew, we love each other, we became even better parents to two wonderful teenagers.

 

So no, I'm not fooling myself and I would dare to say that most couples who successfully reconcile (in whatever sense successful means to them) after infidelity are not fooling themselves. They have been there and done that; they have lived through the worst and realize that they are still strong enough to go forward.

[Lost00]

Not to mention that the WS often rewrites marital history once the fog sets in.

 

I think I know what you mean by this, but can you elucidate? Just curious.

[TigerCub]

re: the bolded...

 

I can understand how, on the outside it would look like it was serious delusion for a couple who had experienced infidelity to say anything like that.

 

I would have probably thought something similar myself a few years ago...even though I would have had the tact never to say that to someone who had experienced infidelity.

 

However, I do post here that my marriage is better and just completely different despite not because of (see the difference) my husband's infidelity. Trust me, nothing about that painful time made my marriage better.

 

I will say though, that I liken the affair to a forest fire, or as another poster said, a catalyst, that ravaged what was once beautiful and innocent. Everything was ugly afterward. I thought nothing would survive but then I realized that the very essential enduring things that had brought my H and I together years before were still there...just like the forest fire, the land features that once made the forest so beautiful are still there (hills, streams, etc)despite the devastation. For my H and I it was all those things we still loved about one another despite everything.

 

So my H and I, through long, painful talks and therapy sessions and with a lot of love, made the journey back to one another again. We had lost each other-or so we thought.

 

So while the affair was painful and awful and I would never go through that again, it did not and does not define us as a couple or individuals or even as a family. We had great times in the 18 years before the affair and have had great times together since. Life goes on. We learned, we grew, we love each other, we became even better parents to two wonderful teenagers.

 

So no, I'm not fooling myself and I would dare to say that most couples who successfully reconcile (in whatever sense successful means to them) after infidelity are not fooling themselves. They have been there and done that; they have lived through the worst and realize that they are still strong enough to go forward.

 

Thank you SnowFlower for your honest and very open response.

I'm glad that you and your family could find a way through the darkness and come out all the more stronger for it.

 

[silktricks]

I take some serious offense to this.

 

I am NOT in denial. You are clueless. You're trying to dictate to others what they've got to be feeling/doing/experiencing when you've not been there yourself.

 

I get that you're hurt. I get that you're bitter over what you went through. I get that you felt that there was no reconciliation possible in your situation.

 

I got it.

 

But don't think that because your situation was unrecoverable that makes every other situation the same.

 

Don't think that because you were incapable of healing after the affair that you're capable or qualified to say that no one else can, nor can anyone else's marriage possibly recover or improve because you were incapable of doing so.

 

Sorry.../rant off.

 

But I'm DONE with sitting here watching this kind of junk fly.

 

Thank-you for saying this. (so I didn't have to!!! )

[TigerCub]

I'll respond here, as I'm one of the posters who say our marriage is better now than it was prior to the affair. The reason the marriage is better now is not because he had an affair per se, but rather because we both are now better about talking out our issues. Neither of us were good at discussing hurt feelings and other things that seemed too trivial to bring up. The problem with that thought process, though, is that a lot of "trivial" things can make one huge gigantic mess of a problem. And when things aren't discussed a lot of incorrect assumptions can (and are) made. Decisions are then based on those incorrect assumptions, and there goes the relationship.

 

Our marriage is better. We are much closer than we ever were before. The cheating did not bring us closer, though. The cheating almost broke us. What brought us closer was the healing after the cheating. Could the closeness come without the cheating? Yes, it could have - I don't know if it would have, but it certainly could have.

 

It would have been much less painful if we would have done something like MC to resolve our problems - which in hindsight really weren't that catastrophic - but they seemed huge to each of us at the time and... probably the most important thing is that each of us was putting the blame on the other. Now, we take responsibility for our own stuff AND we take responsibility for talking to each other about our fears and frustrations.

 

Our marriage now is what both of us wanted before, but neither of us knew how to get here.

 

So people who cheat and want an excuse will (sometimes) say, see cheating will strengthen a marriage --- uh, no. Cheating sucks at all levels. But if 2 people really do love each other, and for whatever reason, one of them cheats, the fixing process might resolve some underlying issues in which case they might end up with a stronger marriage.

 

Hey Silk,

 

I didn't want to get distracted with other responses and forget to thank you for answering my question.

 

I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to reply to me

 

thanks