Infidelity is a Good Thing?

[silktricks]

Hey Silk,

 

I didn't want to get distracted with other responses and forget to thank you for answering my question.

 

I appreciate your honesty and taking the time to reply to me

 

thanks

 

No problem.

[Snowflower]

 

The affair...negative thing. The changes that were made as a result...positive.

 

Two different things. Don't confuse them with each other and it can make a lot of sense.

 

 

This is really well-said. Thank you, Owl for putting the topic of the thread in such clear language.

 

I also hadn't thought about it quite like that before-so it helps, thanks!

[Snowflower]

Thank you SnowFlower for your honest and very open response.

I'm glad that you and your family could find a way through the darkness and come out all the more stronger for it.

 

 

You're welcome. Hope it wasn't too cheesy.

[TigerCub]

You're welcome. Hope it wasn't too cheesy.

Not at all, it was very honest and sincere and I am truly happy for you and your family

[drifter777]

My wife's cheating was a horrible, hurtful, selfish thing. For many years my wife held on to what she considered a "silver lining" in that she learned so much about herself and that it convinced her that she really loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. That single facet of the incident has been at the bottom of my inability to forgive her and be able to fully recover.

 

Through counseling and my own research and the help I've gotten on this forum I have finally been able to articulate this to my wife. Over the past few years she has been increasingly sorry for the hurt she caused me but has been unable and unwilling to face that what she did was wrong. It has been a coping mechanism for her in that she doesn't think of herself as the kind of person who would cheat and cause the pain and suffering that I have gone through. Only within the past few weeks has she broken through her defenses enough to realize how wrong it was to cheat and that her "silver lining" defense mechanism is false. She finally get's it. I can see it in her face that she is angry with herself and hates admitting she cheated. It hurts her to face the reality of the situation without her defense mechanism. And now she is truly sorry for what she did - I can feel it. It's been so long in coming, but now I am confident that my healing will continue to progress and I will find forgiveness for her.

 

People, cheating is just wrong and is devastating to the betrayed spouse. I know that the WS has to find some way to live with themselves after doing such a horrible thing, but I urge you to be real with yourself and your spouse if you truly want a chance at healing and forgiveness. There is no "silver lining". If your relationship actually does improve over time, please acknowledge that it is due to the tremendously difficult work you both did to get over the betrayal and that you learned how to take better care of yourselves and each other. The cheating is not the reason things are better.

[Linda9999]

I'll respond here, as I'm one of the posters who say our marriage is better now than it was prior to the affair. The reason the marriage is better now is not because he had an affair per se, but rather because we both are now better about talking out our issues. Neither of us were good at discussing hurt feelings and other things that seemed too trivial to bring up. The problem with that thought process, though, is that a lot of "trivial" things can make one huge gigantic mess of a problem. And when things aren't discussed a lot of incorrect assumptions can (and are) made. Decisions are then based on those incorrect assumptions, and there goes the relationship.

 

Our marriage is better. We are much closer than we ever were before. The cheating did not bring us closer, though. The cheating almost broke us. What brought us closer was the healing after the cheating. Could the closeness come without the cheating? Yes, it could have - I don't know if it would have, but it certainly could have.

 

It would have been much less painful if we would have done something like MC to resolve our problems - which in hindsight really weren't that catastrophic - but they seemed huge to each of us at the time and... probably the most important thing is that each of us was putting the blame on the other. Now, we take responsibility for our own stuff AND we take responsibility for talking to each other about our fears and frustrations.

 

Our marriage now is what both of us wanted before, but neither of us knew how to get here.

 

So people who cheat and want an excuse will (sometimes) say, see cheating will strengthen a marriage --- uh, no. Cheating sucks at all levels. But if 2 people really do love each other, and for whatever reason, one of them cheats, the fixing process might resolve some underlying issues in which case they might end up with a stronger marriage.

 

I was going to type out a long response, but this is exactly what I would have said, so YEAH THAT

[What_Next]

sliktricks that was a VERY heartfelt post. Quite wonderfully written.

 

I can agree with most of it with the exception to say that I believe it does in fact break the marriage. By it's very definition it does so. The relationship might survive and certain aspects of it might even improve but from my perspective the marriage ends. I am not only spouting words, I do believe that. I believe it to be the case in my own experience and from my own experience. Even though I am technically 'married' in the legal sense of the word I don't view it the same as it once was. In fact not even close, our marriage is over. Our relationship (with any luck) is far from it. Some might call it splitting hairs, I don't.

 

Choosing to break the wedding vows of forsaking all others is a one time thing, no matter the circumstances the vows are broken, destroyed. Period.

 

Whether or not the relationship between the 2 parties continues is another matter entirely.

 

Could cheating be considered one of those life events that "which doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" perhaps, but the scars left by it linger for a lifetime. They diminish over time, but they are still present.

[Memphis Raines]

No infidelity and lying don't ever help--that's the "disaster" part. It is the process of recovery from disaster, if possible, that can make for a stronger relationship, as a broken bone if healed properly can become stronger than before the injury.

 

i think the bolded part could possibly apply to the individual that was betrayed, not necessarily the relationship.

 

I think it would be rare that a relationship can TRULY recover from infidelity. I'm sure it happens, but become stronger than before? I highly doubt it unless the betrayed can completely block out the visions of what their betrayer did and said visions do not cause pain of any kind.

 

but I do think it can make the betrayed stronger. like in my case. I was a fool that would fall for any bull before my x-wife cheated. When it happened, I was a slobbering idiot who, for a very short time, thought I needed to bend over backwards, that someone I needed to overcompensate for my kids sake to keep the family together. And I also use to be the type of person that thought I could forgive cheating and stay with someone that would so callously betray me.

 

But the betrayal made me stronger in I will no longer put up with a cheater's s**t. one strike and they are out. the rest of my life is too valuable to sit there and relive what they did to me, even if the thoughts only pop into my head once in a blue moon.

 

so as an individual, with regards to how I deal with relationships, it has made me stronger, but will never make any relationship I have stronger. it will only render it null and void.

[ladydesigner]

sliktricks that was a VERY heartfelt post. Quite wonderfully written.

 

I can agree with most of it with the exception to say that I believe it does in fact break the marriage. By it's very definition it does so. The relationship might survive and certain aspects of it might even improve but from my perspective the marriage ends. I am not only spouting words, I do believe that. I believe it to be the case in my own experience and from my own experience. Even though I am technically 'married' in the legal sense of the word I don't view it the same as it once was. In fact not even close, our marriage is over. Our relationship (with any luck) is far from it. Some might call it splitting hairs, I don't.

 

Choosing to break the wedding vows of forsaking all others is a one time thing, no matter the circumstances the vows are broken, destroyed. Period.

 

Whether or not the relationship between the 2 parties continues is another matter entirely.

 

Could cheating be considered one of those life events that "which doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" perhaps, but the scars left by it linger for a lifetime. They diminish over time, but they are still present.

 

I totally agree with the bolded. I do not believe in M the way I once did, not only because of my H's A's, but because of my own revenge affair. Our M has become a relationship and is no longer sacred.

 

Not sure what to think when people get married anymore. I definitely do not think wow that's great hope you live happily ever after!

[Wandaland]

I totally agree with the bolded. I do not believe in M the way I once did, not only because of my H's A's, but because of my own revenge affair. Our M has become a relationship and is no longer sacred.

 

Not sure what to think when people get married anymore. I definitely do not think wow that's great hope you live happily ever after!

 

I actually read your story around here. I'm just wondering why you didn't tell your xOM's girlfriend about the affair?

[Snowflower]

Hey I was just trying to tie a pretty bow around a sack of sh*t for argument's sake.

 

So you were being insincere or somehow poking fun at a BS's attempt to make a stronger marriage? All while pretending to be supportive of the choice to reconcile?

 

Play devil's advocate, that's fine but be up front about it.

 

I know who to add to my ignore list.

[ladydesigner]

I actually read your story around here. I'm just wondering why you didn't tell your xOM's girlfriend about the affair?

 

I have thought about it often and I actually left a few clues on some of the forums she frequents. Honestly, I don't want to hurt her the way my H hurt me and I don't need any backlash coming back in my own direction from XOM. I hate the situation I found myself in and want to leave it far behind me.

[Trimmer]

I am appalled that there's actually someone here in this forum who thinks that there's nothing wrong with infidelity.

Realize that she has not been a participant here for quite some time, so this is a kind of a trial in abentia...

 

Another thing that really blew my mind is how she thinks that 99%, if not ALL, of the people in this world are cheaters.

Actually, I'm pretty certain (because we went around and around on this a number of times) that her specific assertion was that 99% of men are cheaters.

 

I'm sure the OP wouldn't like it if she was cheated on - or - if her daughter was cheated on, yet she has no problem screwing men who already has a woman of their own.

Actually, one of my thoughts was that her father, who she shared had cheated on her mother - and I believe caused some family trauma in the process - was very much a part of all of this. It seemed to me that her sexually processing through all these "good fathers and husbands" was an attempt to reconnect to her own "lost" father, to reassure herself that they are (that he was...) "good" fathers/husbands, in spite of the dissonance represented by their betrayal of their wives and families.

 

She declined to engage me in further discussions on that topic - not that this was particularly surprising, really...

[silktricks]

sliktricks that was a VERY heartfelt post. Quite wonderfully written.

 

I can agree with most of it with the exception to say that I believe it does in fact break the marriage. By it's very definition it does so. The relationship might survive and certain aspects of it might even improve but from my perspective the marriage ends. I am not only spouting words, I do believe that. I believe it to be the case in my own experience and from my own experience. Even though I am technically 'married' in the legal sense of the word I don't view it the same as it once was. In fact not even close, our marriage is over. Our relationship (with any luck) is far from it. Some might call it splitting hairs, I don't.

 

Choosing to break the wedding vows of forsaking all others is a one time thing, no matter the circumstances the vows are broken, destroyed. Period.

 

Whether or not the relationship between the 2 parties continues is another matter entirely.

 

Could cheating be considered one of those life events that "which doesn't kill you makes you stronger?" perhaps, but the scars left by it linger for a lifetime. They diminish over time, but they are still present.

 

First, thanks for the compliment.

 

Second, I think what you are saying is an individual thing. I couldn't possibly say to you that you are wrong, as you aren't for you. However, I believe that because I made the choice to forgive my husband, our vows and marriage are intact. At one point we talked about renewing our vows, but both of us felt there was no need to do so.

[Snowflower]

First, thanks for the compliment.

 

Second, I think what you are saying is an individual thing. I couldn't possibly say to you that you are wrong, as you aren't for you. However, I believe that because I made the choice to forgive my husband, our vows and marriage are intact. At one point we talked about renewing our vows, but both of us felt there was no need to do so.

 

Gosh, SK, this is a nice thought and post. I like what you wrote here and hopefully others will find solace in it too.

[ladydesigner]

Gosh, SK, this is a nice thought and post. I like what you wrote here and hopefully others will find solace in it too.

 

You are right Snowflower. Sometimes I feel so negative about M, but it is what I want. I want my M to survive.

 

I also enjoyed your post SK, thank you.

[Wandaland]

I have thought about it often and I actually left a few clues on some of the forums she frequents. Honestly, I don't want to hurt her the way my H hurt me and I don't need any backlash coming back in my own direction from XOM. I hate the situation I found myself in and want to leave it far behind me.

 

Oh she's hurting. She just doesn't know it yet. But I can understand that you just want to leave it all behind and move on forward. It's just a shame to see a young girl (I'm assuming that she's a young girl since your xOM is 21 or so?) being treated so cruelly and disrespectfully by her lying, cheating boyfriend. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is faithful, honest, and trustworthy.

[ladydesigner]

Oh she's hurting. She just doesn't know it yet. But I can understand that you just want to leave it all behind and move on forward. It's just a shame to see a young girl (I'm assuming that she's a young girl since your xOM is 21 or so?) being treated so cruelly and disrespectfully by her lying, cheating boyfriend. Everyone deserves to be with someone who is faithful, honest, and trustworthy.

 

I completely agree Wandaland and yes she is young and she is exactly in the same position I am in thanks to me:sick:

[Wandaland]

I completely agree Wandaland and yes she is young and she is exactly in the same position I am in thanks to me:sick:

 

Well let's hope she finds out sooner or later. By the way, why did he decide to cheat on her? Did they have problems in their relationship?

[Trimmer]

Actually, one of my thoughts was that her father, who she shared had cheated on her mother - and I believe caused some family trauma in the process - was very much a part of all of this. It seemed to me that her sexually processing through all these "good fathers and husbands" was an attempt to reconnect to her own "lost" father, to reassure herself that they are (that he was...) "good" fathers/husbands, in spite of the dissonance represented by their betrayal of their wives and families.

I just went back and scanned her original thread (700-something posts - and I'll answer your question right now: no, I apparently have no life to speak of...)

 

Since she is not here to speak on her own behalf, fairness prompts me to point out that my assertion above that her father's infidelity (which she did volunteer) caused family trauma was my own assumption in that thread, not something that she volunteered. As a matter of fact, she took a very "no big deal" attitude about it, and as I said, declined to discuss it any further under very persistent pestering on my part.

 

I'm not sure why it was important to me to correct the record; I suppose it's just that even as I disagreed intensely with her, I still don't want to have misrepresented the information she provided, especially with her currently being absent from our midst...

 

The rest of my theory on her search for a good father and attempting to take control of her damaged father/daughter relationship by acting it out later in life with married men still stands - not as some kind of internet psychiatrist diagnosis, but as an interesting possibility that I'm disappointed we never got to discuss.

Edited May 25, 2011 by Trimmer

[Snowflower]

There is nothing about infidelity and betrayal to have a sense of humor about. It hurts like nothing else.

 

End of rant. Carry on, my LS friends!

[Owl]

Nothing wrong with laughing AT YOURSELF in this context. You're right...good way to start healing.

 

But I don't think anyone here was being humorous AT THEIR OWN EXPENSE.

 

It appeared to me to be done at someone else's expense...which ISN'T healing, or kind, or useful in any fashion.

[ladydesigner]

Well let's hope she finds out sooner or later. By the way, why did he decide to cheat on her? Did they have problems in their relationship?

 

This question, I think only XOM can answer. He said he felt like she took him for granted, but when I saw them on their forum together they did not seem that way at all. His gf from my point of view seemed very innocent, sweet, loving, and very concerned for him. He was a liar, but at no shock to me. Affairs are based on lies and deception. I do feel sorry for her and angry at him for doing that to her and angry at myself for my horrible choices. The whole thing sucks all the way around. I wish I would have come to LS or even another infidelity site after I discovered my H's A's before I acted so hastily in evening the score. I have learned so much about affairs.

[John Michael Kane]

I take some serious offense to this.

 

I am NOT in denial. You are clueless. You're trying to dictate to others what they've got to be feeling/doing/experiencing when you've not been there yourself.

 

I get that you're hurt. I get that you're bitter over what you went through. I get that you felt that there was no reconciliation possible in your situation.

 

I got it.

 

But don't think that because your situation was unrecoverable that makes every other situation the same.

 

Don't think that because you were incapable of healing after the affair that you're capable or qualified to say that no one else can, nor can anyone else's marriage possibly recover or improve because you were incapable of doing so.

 

Sorry.../rant off.

 

But I'm DONE with sitting here watching this kind of junk fly.

 

Ahhh here we go again. Why are you so mad if what I said was untrue? I rest my case.

[Trimmer]

Ahhh here we go again. Why are you so mad if what I said was untrue? I rest my case.

Could be it's because what you said was untrue. Your assertion that something must be true for people to get mad or offended makes no sense. It makes a nice bumper sticker, but those are often designed to manipulate through solid-sounding but oversimplified sound bites. Kinda like your response here.