Boyfriend, his ex, her parents and "their daughter" on a trip together???

[JessArt85]

I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

[jwi71]

I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

You have ZERO right to be upset.

If you were my GF...you would now be an ex-GF.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

HE might NOT be father but he IS daddy.

Deal with it or bail. Its not like you didn't know this upfront.

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

 

You are obviously not a parent.

I have no IDEA who this child is and I worry that a child so young has to face so much. Their whole family must be besides themselves with worry.

Your BF goes because HE loves his DAUGHTER - and she loves, wants and needs HER DADDY.

 

Sorry, but you don't, per this post, seem to have the emotional maturity to handle being a "step-parent".

 

Again...you have ZERO right to say this. NONE.

[ladyinlimbo]

I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

 

Well I would imagine that he's going along too because even though he's not the biological dad, he's the only Daddy this little girl has known......and it sounds like she's going for some major heart surgery which of course has real risks. What if he didn't go and something happened to her that she didn't make it? I'm sure he's going out of love for this little one, to be there for her, so she's surrounded by love and people she trusts. If anything, he sounds like a pretty great guy to me.

 

I don't think you really have any right to say anything about this. You knew from the start that she was a big part of his life. I'm sure he's very worried and stressed, as any parent (or parent figure) would be. 5 days isn't long. They likely arrive there the day prior to the procedure, it's done on the 2nd day....and then she's closely monitored for the next 2 days then discharged home on the 5th or so. I'm sure his attention will be strictly on this poor little girl. I think you need to seriously just back off for now, let him do what he needs to do .....and really consider whether you're up for being in a relationship with a man who may not be the biological Dad but is man enough to step up to the plate and still be a Dad to a little girl who's only known him as her Daddy. The last thing he needs now is for you to make him feel guilty. He's going through enough stress, I'm sure.

[whichwayisup]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her.

 

He is still part of their daily lives, step daddy to his ex's child. You two have only been together for 4 months, that isn't long.

 

How sure are you that you that he and his ex aren't still involved, that you are the only one?

 

Going away is a big thing and it IS something you need to ponder.... What it means to that child in the long run. And, to his ex.

 

Are they staying in the same room?

 

I hope everything works out health wise, as I'm sure this is a scary thing for them all right now.

[JessArt85]

You have ZERO right to be upset.

If you were my GF...you would now be an ex-GF.

 

 

 

HE might NOT be father but he IS daddy.

Deal with it or bail. Its not like you didn't know this upfront.

 

 

 

You are obviously not a parent.

I have no IDEA who this child is and I worry that a child so young has to face so much. Their whole family must be besides themselves with worry.

Your BF goes because HE loves his DAUGHTER - and she loves, wants and needs HER DADDY.

 

Sorry, but you don't, per this post, seem to have the emotional maturity to handle being a "step-parent".

 

Again...you have ZERO right to say this. NONE.

 

I never said myself to be a parent or wanting to be for that matter. My boyfriend has also stressed that I do not need to be nor does he want to put stress on me to be something to this girl. As the girl is minimally a part of his life I don't see how I would become a step-parent to her. I have come to terms with him being daddy for her. I do not have an issue with that, its more him taking off to do what exactly in case what happens? I just dont know why he has to be so close with his ex. I understand being daddy, but shouldn't there be more strict lines between him and his ex.

[Silly_Girl]

Jess, I do agree with the sentiments of the other posters, but putting that to one side...

 

You say your relationship is great. Honest and open. So there's nothing stopping you from, after you've asked if there's anything you can do and expressed concern and offered support, in explaining that you know it's crazy but occasionally you get a split-second of jealousy, in case he and ex ever feel bonded again. That you care about him and don't want to lose him.

 

If you have serious concerns with genuine foundations, I see no reason not to raise it

[whichwayisup]

I feel upset by this situation, but at the same time I don't feel I maybe have the right to or how to make it "ok" in my mind.

 

So onto the relationship: I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now. Everything is great, we are open, honest, in love and extremely dedicated to one another. My boyfriend is still involved with his ex-girlfriend because he has a "daughter" with her. Now why the quotes? Well because the daughter is technically not his but he was with his ex when the daughter was a baby and they were together for 3 years, so he grew up with this girl. Now I have met the daughter and I am (somewhat, but not 100%) ok with the situation of him having a daughter that isn't his, and he helps his ex with money if she needs it for his daughter. Moving on to my real issue here...

 

The real issue; the reason I am writing this post is a situation that is coming up. My boyfriend is going to be leaving on a trip with his ex, his daughter and his ex's parents. They will be gone for 5 days. The reason for the trip is that his daughter has to have some heart surgery which can only be performed by a specialist so they have to go. Ok, I get that, but why does he have to go with? I feel like he is holding on trying to be a part of that family which he is not a part of. Yes he is "daddy" to the girl, but what is he to the ex and her parents?? They all will be spending a lot of close time together. They are driving to the destination and ALL of them will be sharing a hotel room together. I really feel unconfortable with all of the situation, but dont want to seem selfish or too needy either. How can I express my concern of him being with his ex and family for so long?

 

You can't bring this up during these circumstances. His daughter, and that is how he sees her, is number one right now. This child looks up to him and loves him and he is worried about her. The child needs him there, so he is going to go, whether you like it or not. Sorry if that hurts to hear, but also, it isn't about you, at all. he isn't doing this malciously at all. he's being a father.

[whichwayisup]

I never said myself to be a parent or wanting to be for that matter. My boyfriend has also stressed that I do not need to be nor does he want to put stress on me to be something to this girl. As the girl is minimally a part of his life I don't see how I would become a step-parent to her. I have come to terms with him being daddy for her. I do not have an issue with that, its more him taking off to do what exactly in case what happens? I just dont know why he has to be so close with his ex. I understand being daddy, but shouldn't there be more strict lines between him and his ex.

 

They obviously ended things on a good note and are friends, co parents.

 

OR, he is a dog and has been messing around with his ex while with you.

 

Its up to you to choose which one it is. Has he given you any indication that he's cheating, back with his ex? if no, then have faith and put his child first like he is. Show concern, wish them all well and even send a stuffed animal to his daughter.

[JessArt85]

He is still part of their daily lives, step daddy to his ex's child. You two have only been together for 4 months, that isn't long.

 

How sure are you that you that he and his ex aren't still involved, that you are the only one?

 

Going away is a big thing and it IS something you need to ponder.... What it means to that child in the long run. And, to his ex.

 

Are they staying in the same room?

 

I hope everything works out health wise, as I'm sure this is a scary thing for them all right now.

 

I am fairly sure, but I guess I wouldn't know 100% that he and his ex aren't involved anymore as he has told me, yet I know he talks to her and she to him as if they are great "friends." It just makes me on edge that they are so close. I dont mind if they talk about the kid, but I have heard her calls to him and she goes off telling him about her day and what shes up to and yada yada yada. I thought this was supposed to be abou the kid?

 

As for staying in the same room. Yes they are sharing a room to supposedly save money. I dunno, I guess he says there will be a separate bed, but I know his ex's parents love him and how am I to know they wouldn't approve of him getting back with her?

[ladyinlimbo]

I never said myself to be a parent or wanting to be for that matter. My boyfriend has also stressed that I do not need to be nor does he want to put stress on me to be something to this girl. As the girl is minimally a part of his life I don't see how I would become a step-parent to her. I have come to terms with him being daddy for her. I do not have an issue with that, its more him taking off to do what exactly in case what happens? I just dont know why he has to be so close with his ex. I understand being daddy, but shouldn't there be more strict lines between him and his ex.

 

More strict lines between him and his ex? This has nothing to do with his ex. It's got everything to do with his step-daughter having a risky heart surgery/procedure.

 

You claim you've come to terms with him being a Daddy to her but that couldn't be further from the truth if you're so insecure and uptight about him going on this trip.....you make it sound like they're all going on a family vacation to Disneyland. I'm sure this procedure this poor little one is going to is very scary to both his ex and her parents, too. He's a good person for going but again, he's doing it because to him she's his DAUGHTER and what parent would NOT be present when their child had to undergo a serious heart surgery/procedure? Think about it.

 

It's clear to me from your posts that you're thinking only about yourself.....and not very much about him, and it's clear to me, too, that you don't really have much use for this little girl. What if something happened to his ex and her parents were too old to look after her? Did it ever occur to you that he might just be man enough to step up to the plate and raise her?

 

Sorry but you do sound very selfish to me. Maybe it's just that you're really young?

[whichwayisup]

This is a conversation you need to have with him later on, once they are back from this medical trip and his daughter is on the mend. Now is not the time to question his loyality to you or how close he is with his ex.

 

They are friends, that is obvious. Either it truly is just a friendship now or it isn't. Again, that isn't something to talk about with him right now due to the circumstances..If anything, it'll make him probably question how you could worry about this and not be so concerned with the health of his daughter and her heart surgery.

[JessArt85]

It's clear to me from your posts that you're thinking only about yourself.....and not very much about him, and it's clear to me, too, that you don't really have much use for this little girl. What if something happened to his ex and her parents were too old to look after her? Did it ever occur to you that he might just be man enough to step up to the plate and raise her?

 

Sorry but you do sound very selfish to me. Maybe it's just that you're really young?

 

Maybe I am being selfish. I really dont' want to be. If anything this is all new to me and I am uncertain how to react/feel or what to do. Just because I am "young" in this sense does not mean I am immature. I do care very much for my boyfriend otherwise I would not be with him. I tell myself I have come to terms with the situation, but deep down I still don't feel secure about it all. "Selfish" I know. I guess my thing is that yes he is "dad" to her now, but what will happen when his ex finds a man? Will he become on the back-burner? As of now he is limited to see his daughter only when his ex really allows it, or as far as I've seen only when she has to work and there is no day care. I really just dont like seeing him being used by his ex, but I guess if he likes that feeling of helping this girl I can't hold him back for being a kind person.

[whichwayisup]

Maybe I am being selfish. I really dont' want to be. If anything this is all new to me and I am uncertain how to react/feel or what to do. Just because I am "young" in this sense does not mean I am immature. I do care very much for my boyfriend otherwise I would not be with him. I tell myself I have come to terms with the situation, but deep down I still don't feel secure about it all. "Selfish" I know. I guess my thing is that yes he is "dad" to her now, but what will happen when his ex finds a man? Will he become on the back-burner? As of now he is limited to see his daughter only when his ex really allows it, or as far as I've seen only when she has to work and there is no day care. I really just dont like seeing him being used by his ex, but I guess if he likes that feeling of helping this girl I can't hold him back for being a kind person.

 

4 months in, it's obvious you're not ready to deal with a child and all that it brings. Kids come first. if he gets a call in the middle of the night, or during a romantic evening planned with you and it has to do with his daughter, he's going to run to her side. That's what parents do.

 

His ex isn't using him. You're making his ex out to be someone she isn't.

 

Have you met her? Made an effort to go to dinner with her, become a friend, maybe? Instead of being insecure, feeling like she's manipulating him, you need to talk to him.. Though I think if you put demands on him, you may not like how he'll respond.. And with that said maybe it'll put things in perspective of where things are between you two.

[ladyinlimbo]

Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as harsh. I'm sure it is a very strange and awkward position to be in, and a new one for you. All I can tell you is that it seems you've got yourself a really great guy here. Many biological fathers are deadbeats and don't give their kids the time of day when the relationship with the mom has ended....but here's a guy who's stepped up to the plate more than so many. That kind of guy, really, is a keeper. It shows he's loving and responsible and a good Dad. Should your relationship continue to grow and you one day marry him, you will be so thankful to have such a man as a Daddy to your own kids together.

 

It sounds like you 2 love each other a lot and have a very special relationship. Don't lose sight of that.

 

The best thing you can do now is try to support him and be there for him. Ask him how he's feeling, ask him if he needs to talk. Ask about his little girl. I think the suggestion someone had about buying a little stuffed animal for her was a great one.

 

But keep in mind, the last thing a parent wants to feel is that he's put into a position where he's being pressured to choose between his child and his new partner.

[JessArt85]

His ex isn't using him. You're making his ex out to be someone she isn't.

 

Have you met her? Made an effort to go to dinner with her, become a friend, maybe? Instead of being insecure, feeling like she's manipulating him, you need to talk to him.. Though I think if you put demands on him, you may not like how he'll respond.. And with that said maybe it'll put things in perspective of where things are between you two.

 

I have met her. I dont' have intentions to be friends with her as she is self-centered and all about me everytime her mouth opens. It's usually not about her daughter, but just her. My boyfriend has even told me how she has lied to him in the past to get money for their daughter only to use the money for personal reasons. I know he stays in for the girl, but I dont know why he still gives his ex so much leeway.

[whichwayisup]

But keep in mind, the last thing a parent wants to feel is that he's put into a position where he's being pressured to choose between his child and his new partner.

 

This is very true. And again, four months in, if he has to choose ....

[ladyinlimbo]

I have met her. I dont' have intentions to be friends with her as she is self-centered and all about me everytime her mouth opens. It's usually not about her daughter, but just her. My boyfriend has even told me how she has lied to him in the past to get money for their daughter only to use the money for personal reasons. I know he stays in for the girl, but I dont know why he still gives his ex so much leeway.

 

So this above, really, is the the crux of the issue, would you say? You resent the way she appears to use him for her own personal gain and you are frustrated by the way that he seems to give in/fall for it?

 

Who was it that ended their relationship?

 

How long ago did it end before you 2 got together?

[JessArt85]

So this above, really, is the the crux of the issue, would you say? You resent the way she appears to use him for her own personal gain and you are frustrated by the way that he seems to give in/fall for it?

 

Who was it that ended their relationship?

 

How long ago did it end before you 2 got together?

I think this is the deep of it. Im not sure which was first to end it, they were on and off for awhile that I know of. I believe he finally called it quits, but then was in with her out with her wanting it to work. He has since said it won't work, but you never know. He has been a year without her.

[ladyinlimbo]

I think this is the deep of it. Im not sure which was first to end it, they were on and off for awhile that I know of. I believe he finally called it quits, but then was in with her out with her wanting it to work. He has since said it won't work, but you never know. He has been a year without her.

 

If he really wanted to be with her, he would be with her. And if he's not been with her for a year, and with you for 4 months, and you've met her and she knows that you're in his life, and you say you 2 love each other and he's a great guy and treats you well, etc.....then i really don't think you have anything to worry about and as time passes you'll feel more secure.

 

Don't let this 'trip' throw a wrench into things. It's seriously very logical that he would go with them, truly.

[Emme]

A child that he has raised since she was a child is having heart surgery. He wants to be there and support the mother and his child. You don't have to be of blood relation to bond with a child. It's probably the only man she knows as daddy. I think you have a great guy. To love another mans child is not easy task. If you are thinking he is cheating then you need to have a dialogue with him. If you are uncomfortable you should have suggested going along for moral support for him. Maybe you can still go. You can't expect him not to care about a child he loves. If you trust him put your faith in that trust. If you can't see pass a situation such as this please end the relationship. In the future date men who have no children.

[whichwayisup]

A child that he has raised since she was a child is having heart surgery. He wants to be there and support the mother and his child. You don't have to be of blood relation to bond with a child. It's probably the only man she knows as daddy. I think you have a great guy. To love another mans child is not easy task. If you are thinking he is cheating then you need to have a dialogue with him. If you are uncomfortable you should have suggested going along for moral support for him. Maybe you can still go. You can't expect him not to care about a child he loves. If you trust him put your faith in that trust. If you can't see pass a situation such as this please end the relationship. In the future date men who have no children.

 

Four months in, sorry but it's inappropriate for her to go, even more so since she's not in the child's life. Also, one has to think about inlaws and his ex, let alone the daughter. She isn't 'family' and having heart surgery, then recovery, I doubt that the others want someone else they do not know, someone who isn't family sitting in ICU or intensive care in the hospital.

 

Right now it is NOT about her and she needs to wait to talk to him. The timing is wrong.

[Emme]

4 months... child please that's not a relationship. He's still feeling you out. I didn't see that part.

 

She can still be there to support him if they have a great bond though. It all depends on the relationship.

[whichwayisup]

4 months... child please that's not a relationship. He's still feeling you out. I didn't see that part.

 

Emotionally I totally get her insecurities and now just reading back in his and the ex's history, the on/off again thing. Well, that can be addictive thing and a habit/pattern. Fact is, whomever his current girlfriend is, the original poster or not, will have to deal with the ex and his step daughter. The ex IS a part of his life, they are friends, and co parents, which IS good for their daughter. It's just to put or ask demands after such a short period of time, isn't a good idea. This guy seems OK and probably wouldn't freak out or be angry at her for feeling left out, it just depends on her focus and how she words things without making it seem like she's coming off selfishly and jealous.

[Emme]

I don't think she should be with him. You have to be mentally ready for something like this. Not saying she's not mature but some people can't handle having a man with a child. Let alone the baby mama drama that comes along with it. I think she should just enjoy this relationship for play and not take it so serious so soon. Have fun for now.

[bentnotbroken]

I have met her. I dont' have intentions to be friends with her as she is self-centered and all about me everytime her mouth opens. It's usually not about her daughter, but just her. My boyfriend has even told me how she has lied to him in the past to get money for their daughter only to use the money for personal reasons. I know he stays in for the girl, but I dont know why he still gives his ex so much leeway.

 

 

You do seem a bit self centered yourself. Game recognizes game.