Boyfriend, his ex, her parents and "their daughter" on a trip together???

[26pointblue]

I'll throw out a different opinion here.

 

He's still very emotionally invested in this girl's life...and by extension, his ex's life and even her family's lives.

 

While there may be nothing "wrong" with his inclusion on this trip to go with her for the surgery, this deep emotional attachment should still be a big red flag to the OP that he's not likely to be a 'safe partner' for HER to invest emotionally into a relationship with right now.

 

I'd give this high, high odds that he will eventually end up back together with his ex at some point. He's never fully let go of that relationship. He's still invested in it to some degree because of his attachment to her daughter.

 

Right or wrong...he's not relationship material for anyone else at this point in time. He's still vested elsewhere...and trying to engage in a relationship with him now is a risky thing to consider.

 

That's how I see this at least.

 

I agree. Well said.

[jwi71]

I'll throw out a different opinion here.

 

He's still very emotionally invested in this girl's life...and by extension, his ex's life and even her family's lives.

 

While there may be nothing "wrong" with his inclusion on this trip to go with her for the surgery, this deep emotional attachment should still be a big red flag to the OP that he's not likely to be a 'safe partner' for HER to invest emotionally into a relationship with right now.

 

I'd give this high, high odds that he will eventually end up back together with his ex at some point. He's never fully let go of that relationship. He's still invested in it to some degree because of his attachment to her daughter.

 

Right or wrong...he's not relationship material for anyone else at this point in time. He's still vested elsewhere...and trying to engage in a relationship with him now is a risky thing to consider.

 

That's how I see this at least.

 

Wow.

 

Seriously Owl, where did you pull that from? Where do you get he is still attached to the mother from? Because he is attached to the daughter? Or you implying that no single parent can be attached to the chills and NOT the ex? Of course there will be a bond at some level, they raised this girl together. That will always tie them.

 

And this poster is so clearly insecure that she, at this point in her life, needs to avoid single fathers. She is nowhere near capable of dealing with the complexities of it. The ex will ALWAYS be there. Forever. This guy is a package deal. The OP doesn't get to choose just half the deal, it's all or nothing.

 

Sorry, I almost always agree with you but to claim he still has romantic feelings for the ex and is using the girl as a bridge back is a stretch. And not a subtle one either.

 

He is going for the daughter and she needs him there. Especially now.

I'm not seeing anything that says he is going for any other reason.

[Owl]

I don't think you read my post.

 

I noted that he may not CURRENTLY have feelings...but he's still got emotional investment into that previous relationship.

 

If he's still having a lot of interaction with his ex...and it's during this emotionally charged situation with her daughter...then there's a risk that it could spill over into resuming an emotional relationship with his ex.

 

I'm not saying he's doing anything deliberate...go back and re-read my post. I thought I'd spelled that out, but perhaps I didn't.

 

But regardless of deliberate or not...what he's doing does indeed pose a risk to his relationship to OP.

 

Sorry if we don't agree...just stating what I see here.

 

ANY high level of interaction with a previous relationship partner is a risk to other relationships. The situation ongoing at the moment is requiring that he have a high level of interaction with his ex...during a highly emotional time.

 

It's a risk. Point blank, plain and simple.

 

I'm not saying what he should or shouldn't do...I'm stating that what he's doing is a risk to his current relationship.

[jwi71]

I don't think you read my post.

 

I noted that he may not CURRENTLY have feelings...but he's still got emotional investment into that previous relationship.

 

If he's still having a lot of interaction with his ex...and it's during this emotionally charged situation with her daughter...then there's a risk that it could spill over into resuming an emotional relationship with his ex.

 

I'm not saying he's doing anything deliberate...go back and re-read my post. I thought I'd spelled that out, but perhaps I didn't.

 

But regardless of deliberate or not...what he's doing does indeed pose a risk to his relationship to OP.

 

Sorry if we don't agree...just stating what I see here.

 

ANY high level of interaction with a previous relationship partner is a risk to other relationships. The situation ongoing at the moment is requiring that he have a high level of interaction with his ex...during a highly emotional time.

 

It's a risk. Point blank, plain and simple.

 

I'm not saying what he should or shouldn't do...I'm stating that what he's doing is a risk to his current relationship.

 

You're right in that I confused some postings and attributed the thoughts of others to you. My bad.

 

While in general I agree that frequent communication and interaction with an ex is hazardous, I'm not seeing it here. This isn't the three of them alone on a weekend getaway. It's heart surgery. I doubt he goes if they aren't having to deal with the medical condition. Besides, per the OP's own admission he is open and honest.

 

You cannot, with one swipe of a brush, charaterize single parents in this the bond is children and by necessity they must have frequent contact. Period. It's a package deal. He isn't there for her. It's the child that he is bonded to. And you can't have interaction with one and not the other. It's par for the course.

 

It's fine that for you dating a single parent is a no go. But for the OP and anyone else who decides to move forward with dating a single parent, this is something to be dealt with. It's part of the deal. The two exes MUST interact and routinely. If the OP can't handle it, she needs to leave the R. I say the same for any person dating a single parent.

 

And the you dating a single mom is obviously a hypothetical.

[Owl]

Understood. And realize that I have nothing against dating a single parent.

 

My wife was divorced with two children when I met her.

 

In her case, she'd been divorced for well over a year, with her ex living across the country and having NO contact other than paying child support.

 

When I came into the picture, they had no 'daddy'. I've been their dad since they were 13 months old. From my perspective (and theirs), I've always had four kids. Technically only two are biologically mine...but that has always meant NOTHING in my family.

 

Their bio-dad has never been part of the picture...by his own choice.

 

So don't think I'm saying that there's something wrong with dating a single parent.

 

But what I AM saying is that this is a highly charged emotional situation. One in which emotions can spill over into other relationships than just his love for her child.

 

And that's a risk.

 

Not saying anyone intends to do anything wrong, nor am I saying that it WILL happen. I'm saying it COULD happen.

 

And if he continues to remain in CLOSE interaction with the daughter and the mom by extension...it remains a possibility. Not a certainty...a possiblity, and one that all parties need to take into account.

[HappyAtLast]

I tend to concur with Owl, the OP should proceed with caution.

 

That said, there is no reason that a grown man would be staying in a hotel room with an ex-partner and her parents. That makes no sense to me and, well, smells a bit fishy to me.

 

If he is so inclined, he should go along for his daughter, but certainly stay in his own room.

[JessArt85]

Are you still a secret in his life, ie does his ex know about you and that you are his partner now?

 

 

If you are still a secret then that makes you an OW. I'd be checking up on this, as MM have been known to lie to their OW about the reasons for going away together.

 

Wasn't there a BW poster who was asked by the OW if she'd ever managed to get the kidney transplant she'd been waiting for?

 

Wasn't there another who's BW got pregnant apparently either by immaculate conception or going off to the IVF clinic without telling the MM?

 

If you're not an OW and in a public relationship with him, then you need to decide if you can manage a relationship with a man who is being a parent to a 3 years old with all that entails. It's no different than if she were his biological daughter.

 

I am not a secret in his life. I have met his daughter as well as his ex. Although the ex really didnt have much to say to me and ignored me when I met her, but she knows of my existence nonetheless. I know this post doesn't relate to the more information I have to add, but today my boyfriend texted me asking me if I would want to come along. He said it was his ex's idea but I declined as it is now extremely short notice and I would not be able to get off from work. Part of me wants to go and see how this "family" pans out, but another part of me wants to ignore it and let them be as they are; in that sense I don't really feel like I am part of his life and rather a 3rd wheel. Would you go and stay in a room with all of them or would you just stay home and stick it out?

[Emme]

Pack your bags and go. It's really that simple. Make an attempt to find the time from work or even make it a 2 day trip to see him at end of the weekend. Her inviting you means nothing. It was up to him to invite you along and he didn't. So would you consider going? Is it really you not being able to get off from work?

[JessArt85]

It seems rather bizarre to me that he's clinging onto a child that isn't his - maybe what he's really doing is trying to cling onto his ex? How long have they been broken up, and who dumped who?

 

The ex could cut off his contact at any time and he'd have no legal recourse, and he isn't required to pay any money for the child; plus it seems that when he does pay money the child doesn't get it anyway, because the ex spends it on herself. It sounds like he's being taken for a ride. When the ex gets a new partner, you can be sure he won't be happy that someone who's not even the child's father is still hanging around. Three years is very little in the course of a lifetime; if he left now the child wouldn't even remember him when she grew up, and wouldn't miss him because he's not her father.

 

To be frank, I don't think he should continue being a father to a child that isn't his, with whom he has no rights or obligations. While I can understand that his ex needs support on this trip, she has her parents with her, and your boyfriend is not needed. The whole thing about sleeping in the same hotel room is also very fishy; even if the trip was justified, there's no reason for them all to be in the same hotel room, and it's a bit bizarre for parents to sleep in the same room as their daughter and her ex. Where are they all going to sleep - four to a bed?! Sorry but this sounds like a lie. It's more likely that the parents have their own room (or aren't even going, and he made that up to keep you quiet), and your boyfriend is planning on sleeping in the same room as his ex (automatic deal breaker).

 

My main question is: Where is the child's father?! He should be the one going on this trip, not your boyfriend. He should be the one paying child support money, taking the kid out on weekends, raising her - not your boyfriend. If I were you, I'd remove myself from this bizarre situation and go and find a man who's not overly attached to his ex and playing daddy to a kid that isn't even his.

 

Wow, you summed up so many of my reservations and reasons in my mind that keep me wondering why he is doing this. I know he is and and wants to be a good dad to this girl who has only known him as his dad, but I think you are right that this 3 years is minimal to her lifetime and for what reason he needs to hold onto her other than he wishes he had a daughter of his own.

 

As for the child's biological father he is 100% gone and out of the picture. No where to be found as far as I know. My boyfriend (as he has explained to me) never grew up with a dad himself and as another reason feels obligated to this girl. I guess in my opinion, I just dont see why she has to become his responsiblility as he was once with a girl who made bad choices and had a baby with a man who threw her to the curb. I dont understan why it is now my boyfriends responsibility to keep her afloat. She does have her parents (the girl has her grandparents) who care deeply and wouldn't let anything happen to her. I just honestly dont understand why it has to be this way.

 

I dont see myself just walking away. I know a lot of respondents have put this relationship down for only being 4 months, but this isn't 4 months of a date here a date there every other week or weekend. Its been pretty full on we see each other every day/minute we have available together. I feel we spend more time than some couple who have been togeher for years. So this whole time thing to me means nothing, as we have grown together. The thing is for as much time as we do spend with each other you would think the child would be with us a lot too. And I'd say of our time together she is with maybe 5% of that. I just dont see how spending 5% of your life with a kid makes you a dad? I guess I am just fortunate and lucky that I had my dad all my life. I shouldn't hold it against others who dont, I just dont understand how that makes you dad.

[JessArt85]

I'll throw out a different opinion here.

 

He's still very emotionally invested in this girl's life...and by extension, his ex's life and even her family's lives.

 

While there may be nothing "wrong" with his inclusion on this trip to go with her for the surgery, this deep emotional attachment should still be a big red flag to the OP that he's not likely to be a 'safe partner' for HER to invest emotionally into a relationship with right now.

 

I'd give this high, high odds that he will eventually end up back together with his ex at some point. He's never fully let go of that relationship. He's still invested in it to some degree because of his attachment to her daughter.

 

Right or wrong...he's not relationship material for anyone else at this point in time. He's still vested elsewhere...and trying to engage in a relationship with him now is a risky thing to consider.

 

That's how I see this at least.

 

 

Wow, new perspective Owl. I really do have to ponder this. I mean my boyfriend has told me how they were together and then off again and on again to "try" to see, but then the final conclusion was that he just couldnt be with her for the way she lied to him. I guess I take that for what he told me that it was over, but how can I know when he is still on friendly terms with her so he can be a part of this little girls life. I guess who's to really say he would never want to come back to his ex just so he could have his little girl again? I mean if what a lot of people say is true: he puts his girl first, then why not try it with the ex if its all about having a daughter and not moving on to have a life with someone else?

[vsmini]

:laugh:It's irritating that I don't agree with you? You must spend a lot of your life being irritated. Do you ever discuss politics with people.

 

 

She's been with this guy four months and she expects him to pick her jealousy of the ex, over supporting a child he has raised for 3 years?

 

I would not want to be with someone who would dismis a three year old having HEART surgery because I may be a little jealous.

 

If she does not trust him then yes she needs to move on. You can't have love without trust.

 

I'm not irritated that you don't agree with me - I just find that people are dismissing the complexity of the case from her standpoint. All people hear are sick child and nobody wants to look in any other direction. This does not dismiss the seriousness of the situation for he and the child but the fact that he's so very much involved with that might be more than she can handle and I think it's more complex than people claiming she's selfish and has no heart for a sick child.

[JessArt85]

Pack your bags and go. It's really that simple. Make an attempt to find the time from work or even make it a 2 day trip to see him at end of the weekend. Her inviting you means nothing. It was up to him to invite you along and he didn't. So would you consider going? Is it really you not being able to get off from work?

 

Well when he told me about coming, I really did consider. He kinda played it off that he didn't think I would want to because he would be stressed and I would be bored, I guess. I said that I didn't know if I should be there as Im not really part of the family and might be in the way. Again he just talked about the waiting and stress of it all. I just dont see where I would fit on this trip. I think I would be irriatalbe myself and really shouldnt be there to begin with.

[Trimmer]

I don't think it's for me to say it's right or wrong, weird or unusual for the boyfriend to have this bond with his daughter. I simply accept it as a fact, without judgment, but with the understanding of a parent.

 

The issue, I believe, is a choice the OP needs to make. Not a choice of whether it is right or wrong for her boyfriend to have this bond with his daughter, but a choice of whether she can handle the fact that this bond exists.

 

This is not a choice he made last week; this is a bond that he developed during this child's early life. We may each have our own opinions about how we might feel and react and choose in this type of situation, but we don't get to judge his situation: it is what it is, and it is a part of him - it sounds like he has been very clear on that.

 

The question for the OP is: can you handle that part of the overall package that is your boyfriend? Because this is not a menu at a restaurant where you can choose different salad dressings or make substitutions. This is him.

 

I acknowledge that you may have complex feelings about that, and I'm not implying some kind of judgment, where if you decide you don't want this, that obviously makes you selfish, etc... You get to choose, just as much as someone gets to choose whether to date someone who has a biological child, and not everyone wants to do that - people have very strong and very complex feelings about those situations. That's OK.

 

But my point is, I would suggest this isn't about "is it OK for him to do this"... You should consider that he has a child, that he will put some level of priority and importance on that child, and that situations will come up where he will make choices on the basis that he has, and feels some responsibilty to, this child. The decision-making point here is: do you want to be in that relationship?

Edited May 24, 2011 by Trimmer

[whichwayisup]

Well when he told me about coming, I really did consider. He kinda played it off that he didn't think I would want to because he would be stressed and I would be bored, I guess. I said that I didn't know if I should be there as Im not really part of the family and might be in the way. Again he just talked about the waiting and stress of it all. I just dont see where I would fit on this trip. I think I would be irriatalbe myself and really shouldnt be there to begin with.

 

Yup, I agree with you. Plus he isn't thinking how bored you're going to be, sitting in the waiting room, or as you say irritable. Interesting choice of words though.

[Emme]

Well when he told me about coming, I really did consider. He kinda played it off that he didn't think I would want to because he would be stressed and I would be bored, I guess. I said that I didn't know if I should be there as Im not really part of the family and might be in the way. Again he just talked about the waiting and stress of it all. I just dont see where I would fit on this trip. I think I would be irriatalbe myself and really shouldnt be there to begin with.

 

 

Ok it's up to you. Are you more comfortable now with the idea of them being so close? Since we all talked about it you have to be secure in relationships such as this. Hope you are if he's a great guy.

[fooled once]

Please don't go.

 

You are nothing to this little girl. She needs her family with her.

 

I am stunned by the posters who seem to think this man should just walk away from his non biological daughter just because she doesn't share his DNA!

 

My ex isn't involved with our son but when ds had surgery and he showed up, it didn't bring us closer or anything

 

He is my ex for a reason.

 

Just because people share a child doesn't mean they are going to get back together.

 

OP isn't invested in this child and has no reason to be there. She will cause more stress being there and this is SURGERY and the last thing anyone needs is additional stress or drama!

 

Even if the mom/ex remarries that doesn't mean he stops loving or caring for HIS child! I just can't believe how people think he should abandon his daughter because his new girlfriend of 4 months is jealous over the parents relationship!

 

OP - stay out of their parenting arrangement. Your BF has no problem with things so myob. It isn't up to you to decide how, when and why they communicate. If you can't handle it, that's your issue not his or hers.

 

As for sharing a room....anyone know their financial status? maybe the surgery has a high deductible or is only partially covered? Do you really think they have sex on their mind? Do you really think they are going to have sex with her parents in the same room or while their daughter is having surgery?

 

I commend them for being their together for their daughter.

 

It takes a special person to step up and be dad for a non biological child! Kudos to him and all step dads who do this....including my husband. Kudos to all the men and women who choose adoption. Kudos to all those people out their who don't walk away from their kids when the adults end their relationship.

 

OP, I sense a lot of insecurity and jealousy on your part. Maybe you aren't meant to be with a man who has kids from a previous relationship? Thats okay. Just don't put your issues on him, especially right now when he has enough on his plate wondering if his daughter will live thru this surgery.

[Stung]

The kids is three, so he's hardly raised her. Let's assume that he dated the mom for a while, then he moved in and was like a father to her child, and now they've been broken up for at least six months. All of this happened within three years, so how long was he actually a hands-on parent to the child? A year perhaps? 18 months? And now he's going to parent a child that isn't his for the rest of his life, on the basis of having been shacked up with the mom for a year or two? It seems ridiculous to me.

 

Not trying to be offensive, here, Eeyore, but it's extremely clear that both you and the OP haven't got much real experience with young children.

 

A three year old is intensely bonded to all parent-figures, for one thing--and someone who has been in a Daddy role for even just a year is the only Daddy they will remember, and they will want their Daddy intensely in times of stress. Many are still in a separation-anxiety phase, and stress levels get extremely elevated when the parent is not around. It is impossible to explain to a three year old why a parental figure is not there, especially when the child is ill, or hurting, or frightened. Most parents or parent-figures who have young children flinch at the very thought of a child being alone and afraid in such a situation, asking for them.

 

In addition, does the OP actually state that the child is three years old? I will have to look back. I thought it said the parents' relationship had encompassed three years, starting when the child was a baby, which would suggest the child, possibly four or even five, has indeed been raised by this man all of her young life, as much as she could be expected to remember of it anyway.

 

In any case, if he lived with her, partook in raising her, if he invited her to call him Daddy during her impressionable innocent baby and toddler years, then yes, he has assumed a responsibility to her. A responsibility it sounds like he takes seriously, much to his credit. I would think so much less of him if he WASN'T going on this trip--I personally would never date a man so callous as to disregard or 'disinherit' a child who called him Daddy when she was going through major surgery.

 

Perhaps he won't always be a regularly hands-on parent--stepparents have no legal rights, and those relationships can get tricky as both parties move on and have other families and obligations. But I for one hope he will remain a part of her life, and continue to be there for her, at the very least in such obvious times of need. It's appropriate for him to have a regular and tangible presence in her life, particularly while she is still young.

 

For what it's worth I have a stepdaughter and I have lived with her for half her life; while she has a mother of her own, she does consider me one of her parents. If I were to ever split up with her father--which I hope never happens--I would continue to be there for her as much as possible, because although she is not my biological daughter, she IS my family. I also have another child in my life, my goddaughter, who once lived with me. Her stepfather married her mother when she was two years old, and was with them until she was seven (she's a teenager now). The man's an ass in many ways but I will grant him this, he still takes her one weekend a month and she still calls him Daddy, which will forever endear him to all of us in at least one respect.

[Stung]

- I just find that people are dismissing the complexity of the case from her standpoint. All people hear are sick child and nobody wants to look in any other direction. This does not dismiss the seriousness of the situation for he and the child but the fact that he's so very much involved with that might be more than she can handle and I think it's more complex than people claiming she's selfish and has no heart for a sick child.

 

As far as the OP's emotional response, I think Trimmer said it better than I ever could have, as he often does:

 

The issue, I believe, is a choice the OP needs to make. Not a choice of whether it is right or wrong for her boyfriend to have this bond with his daughter, but a choice of whether she can handle the fact that this bond exists.

 

This is not a choice he made last week; this is a bond that he developed during this child's early life. We may each have our own opinions about how we might feel and react and choose in this type of situation, but we don't get to judge his situation: it is what it is, and it is a part of him - it sounds like he has been very clear on that.

 

The question for the OP is: can you handle that part of the overall package that is your boyfriend? Because this is not a menu at a restaurant where you can choose different salad dressings or make substitutions. This is him.

 

I acknowledge that you may have complex feelings about that, and I'm not implying some kind of judgment, where if you decide you don't want this, that obviously makes you selfish, etc... You get to choose, just as much as someone gets to choose whether to date someone who has a biological child, and not everyone wants to do that - people have very strong and very complex feelings about those situations. That's OK.

But my point is, I would suggest this isn't about "is it OK for him to do this"... You should consider that he has a child, that he will put some level of priority and importance on that child, and that situations will come up where he will make choices on the basis that he has, and feels some responsibilty to, this child. The decision-making point here is: do you want to be in that relationship?