NightForgotten Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone in case you were wondering I am the 21 year old daughter, ok the problem is that my boyfriend who I am in a long distance relationship cant not come home and visit me as he planned, so he asked me if it were possible for me to visit him for a change, I have never visited him before, however I currently live with my parents and my family is rather old fashioned, how can I talk my mother into allowing me to visit my boyfriend? I do not want to upset her or disappoint her or just go without it being ok with her , I know may of you may say I am an adult but I however wish to make my parents happy. As a possible parent would you allow your daughter to visit her long distance boyfriend? Edited May 24, 2011 by NightForgotten Link to post Share on other sites
PelicanPete Posted May 24, 2011 Share Posted May 24, 2011 A family member of mine met their gf over the internet and they wanted to meet in person for the first time, so the gf's family just traveled up here as their vacation and made sure they were nice people, stayed in town for a few days, and traveled back home leaving their girl behind and she flew back a week or so later. If I were a parent in this situation, I would probably want to talk to who you would be staying with, whether it be the boyfriend or his parents if he still lives at home to get a general feel of the person and get to know them a little better. It would put my mind at a bit more ease. Best thing you can do is just talk to your mom about it. Make a list of points prior, rehearse, and then talk to her about it calmly and respectfully. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NightForgotten Posted May 24, 2011 Author Share Posted May 24, 2011 (edited) My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 6 years now so my family knows him pretty well. As for who Im staying with it will just be my boyfriend he goes to school out where he is now so he lives on his own. As I have stated before my parents are rather old fashioned, I come from a Mexican family and in the Mexican culture a woman is to remain at home with her family until she is married , and aside from that my parents are very worry some as a child I was never allowed to sleepover unless it was a family members house, and after asking my mother if I could visit my bf she pointed out well what if something bad happens to me or what if I get pregnant from the visit as well as stating its disrespectful for a woman of my age and culture to spend a night alone with her boyfriend blah blah . =P I dont want to make my parents angry, even if I am an adult and the visit will be paid by myself and boyfriend I wish to leave knowing that my parents are fine with it. I wish to respect my parents and what they believe and care for. Edited May 24, 2011 by NightForgotten Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted May 31, 2011 Share Posted May 31, 2011 You're a grown woman. Go see him if you want. Link to post Share on other sites
pilotDXB Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 (edited) You're a grown woman. Go see him if you want. This. Youre 21, I also come from a conservative family, but not to the point where they restricted who I could see and when. To be honest, I think the fact that you are nervous to exercise your right to freedom of movement without parental consent is more of an issue here. Im not saying its ok to piss them off - but they have to realise that in spite of their beliefs youre your own person. Edited June 1, 2011 by pilotDXB I was prematurely harsh on the parents Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 Why don’t you just speak to your family about it already? As a grown up you’re going to have to make choices your family doesn’t agree with sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
iJester Posted June 1, 2011 Share Posted June 1, 2011 If you consider yourself an adult, you should move out of your parents house and support yourself, then you can do what you want and don't have to worry about their approval. At least that way they will respect your decisions as a grown woman, even if they don't agree with them. Link to post Share on other sites
shanta07 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Hello everyone in case you were wondering I am the 21 year old daughter, ok the problem is that my boyfriend who I am in a long distance relationship cant not come home and visit me as he planned, so he asked me if it were possible for me to visit him for a change, I have never visited him before, however I currently live with my parents and my family is rather old fashioned, how can I talk my mother into allowing me to visit my boyfriend? I do not want to upset her or disappoint her or just go without it being ok with her , I know may of you may say I am an adult but I however wish to make my parents happy. As a possible parent would you allow your daughter to visit her long distance boyfriend? Really it is a question for thinking. I will say yes or no as situation demand. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 If you consider yourself an adult, you should move out of your parents house and support yourself, then you can do what you want and don't have to worry about their approval. At least that way they will respect your decisions as a grown woman, even if they don't agree with them. I think you are missing the persons dilema, she comes from a culture of respecting a parent and the traditions of her family. Being an adult still means being accountable. Yes in an "open" family it could be discussed and shared, sometimes cultural differences still run the patriach dynamics. I , as a parent, of a daughter would be mindful that she is a growing lady and needs to make wise decisions in her conduct away from home. As a decent parent I would have support for her knowing I raised her well. It would behoove the OP to share where she will be staying and certain plans, being away from home a parent still worries.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 Would it be possible for you to arrange alternate arrangements, such as sleeping in a hotel instead of his home? Or, would your mother be willing to travel with you, or an older sister, cousin, aunt, trusted friend? PS. As a parent, I really appreciate your tact and your appreciation for your parent's feelings and your culture. I am sure they love you dearly for that, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
627 Posted June 5, 2011 Share Posted June 5, 2011 I have seen cases of daughters in conservative families that like to obey their parents and not disapoint them. I know 2 women in this position, so let me show you your potential future. they are now 35 and 55 respectivly, single, probably virgins, still living with their parents, and their parents are old and about to die. they never took a risk and never disobeyed nor embarrassed their parents in any way, and what is their reward? there is none, they do not even have joyful memories to keep them company. do not commit to what your parents think is right, do what you think is right, and take responsibility for your actions Link to post Share on other sites
Author NightForgotten Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I do not like people telling me that just because I am an adult I shoulnt care and respect what my parents believe I do not like people telling me that I shouldnt have my parents control me or that will end up being in my 40s and still living at home, yes I am an adult and yes I can go off and simple just go my parents have never stopped me from seeing who I wish or doing what I want out of life my parents do not control me and yes I have done somethings that have disappointment them as a teenager who hasnt? However at no matter what age I believe a parent has to be shown respect , they are an elder and as such they should be respected and there thoughts and views should be as well. As for if I conceder myself an adult why don't I just leave home and live on my own? I will tell you why my parents had me at a later age in life I am the youngest and only daughter , both of my parents are in there 60's and my oldest brother out of three older brothers is mentally disabled, although he is in his late 30's my brother has the mind set of a child of two years, my brother can not feed nor dress himself, because of this I out of my own free will live with my parents, I help out however I can whether it is by paying the bills, cleaning or cooking, or taking care of my brother. I love and truly do respect my family and at any age that is never wrong . As for an update my mother is still against me visiting haha , my bf did however surprise me with a visit -=] I had the chance to see him for only a weekend and I had a wonderful time =D But I am still planning to visit him anyways and stay with him at his home, I see no need to spend that time (or money when I have a chance to save a lot of money by simply staying with him) staying in a hotel room or having some one else accompany me. =\ Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 PLeased that you shared the further facts of your family life and the health of some of its members. It sheds light on your loyalty and dedication. Its to be commended at such an early adult stage. It will serve you well in your kindness towards folks. Glad you had the chance to spend quality time with your boyfriend. It sounds like you have your act together in many ways. I personally am pleased to see and read of a younger generation that has regard for family and still maintains a healthy relationship with an endearing boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
WhisperinnWinds Posted June 15, 2011 Share Posted June 15, 2011 I think you make some excellent points about hoping to respect your parents' wishes and to honor their viewpoints - but that only goes so far. It is great that you are still going to do what you want to do (stay with him at his home). I think many of the previous posters were given the impression (as I was initially) that you were saying you would do whatever your parents wanted to keep them happy. In real life, you just can't do that. You have to branch out and do things that they don't like - to live your own life as you see fit - if you are ever going to branch out and truly be a happy and fulfilled person. I remember I was 22 when I told my parents that I would like to start spending the night at my boyfriend's house. This was a HUGE argument that spanned for days, but I stood my ground. I think you'll often find that parents tend to be hypocritical about this too, regardless of their background culture. My parents were also raised in a very conservative culture - that didn't stop my mom from sleeping with him mere months into their relationship when she was 17. Yet, in my mid-20s, in a relationship for years, she felt she had the right to pressure me to wait until marriage. In all things, go with what you think is best for you. That's not to say you should wantonly go about your life, doing what makes you feel good and hurting other people. But realistically, you staying the night with your boyfriend, living with him or whatever else does nothing to hurt them. You are not your culture. Just because your parents embraced it doesn't make it automatic for you. Do so if you wish, of course; but never feel pressured into it because it's passed through your lineage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NightForgotten Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you all who replied and gave me their opinions, I stood my ground and finally yesterday my mom gave me the ok, I will be staying with my boyfriend at his home (much to my mother's displeasure =P) and as I sit here and type this my boyfriend is buying my plane ticket =] Im so excited to see him and I can hardly wait. My mother is still very worried that something may happen to me while Im out there but I guess I cant really say much to stop her from worrying about her daughter . I'd like to thank you Tayla your words and understanding were very heartfelt and helpful to me , Id like to thank you for your kindness and understanding, I know that it can difficult for some people to understand why I behave the way I do towards my family. Link to post Share on other sites
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