The aftermath of having been the estranged wife

[ShatteredReality]

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately...about that moment when a woman says to her husband - or even just to herself but not out loud to anybody at all "I love him...but I am just not IN LOVE with him anymore". Having been that woman...there are aspects that I understand incredibly. However...there are still parts of my actions that I don't understand. There are things I have heard other women say that are voicing concerns I have had or still have.

 

Anyone who chooses to look through my posts can find this - but I handled my situation entirely wrong. My husband was not a good husband...he was borderline not a good father....and while he was a "good man" and all that...he treated me like dirt. Horrible. I wanted to go but didn't know how and yadda yadda excuse excuse...I had an affair. When that happened it was downright eye opening. I decided to leave...my conscience wouldn't allow me to try to be that person that just pretended nothing happened...and even with what I DID feel for OM I didn't want to be with him...I just didn't think it was realistic. Instead I wanted to be alone...I wanted to figure out who I was...where I went wrong...how could I take such a dark path to get out of the dungeon I allowed myself to reside in for so long? How my husband treated me was his fault. Allowing the treatment was mine. My emotional state of mind - he had a part in that. My actions, however...were mine and mine alone. Therefore I felt a burning need to figure out how I'd gone from basically a good person to someone I detested.

 

I tried to leave - broke things off with OM and made plans to move out and divorce my H. H begged me not to and agreed to MC and IC. Long story short, we made it. One of the few success stories out there. I am one of the luckiest women around...he changed his behavior...grew up...became the man I knew he could be....he treats me well now and the kids as well. I no longer feel guilty for staying with him, thinking it's a disservice to them...

 

I have heard other wives who made choices similar to my own say "I can't come back, I am afraid of what I'll do" Or basically saying they don't know why they did it and they're afraid they'll do it again. They say they've got nothing left to give...they cannot get the love back...even if they can they know he'll never feel the same about them and they cannot live with that...they won't give him the chance to hold this over their heads forever...etc. They are afraid he'll go back to how he was before - I was too...they fear the vulnerability they felt in the past...Any list of fears...I understand...

 

Anybody else out there wanna jump on board, help me answer some of these questions? I have wondered...what was so wrong with me that I made the choices that I made? Why couldn't I turn away from OM when he made those advances? What did I say or do that made him think it was ok to do that in the first place? While I take precautions to make sure it doesn't happen again...why do I have this unstable feeling inside that forces me to constantly doubt myself....I have convictions and then tell myself I may just be a hypocrite because one day I could turn around and be doing the exact opposite...like I did before.

 

Recently another man began to hit on me. I cannot tell you how stressful this has been. I don't know why, but when someone compliments me, I can't NOT smile and say thank you...and for some reason when I do this it is like putting a huge stamp on my forehead that says "Try to F me - please!" WHY???? What on Earth am I doing wrong that makes ANY men think that the ring on my finger is just for looks? And how do I - a person who is not naturally rude or mean by nature and has true difficulty doling out rejection - stave these people off? I was so afraid my H would overreact about this other guy that I didn't say anything to him at first...finally I realized this guy was going to keep trying to get my # or write me e-mails...so I told my H and he intervened. (Sent him a message saying "My wife told you to leave her alone...now leave her alone") But why couldn't I just smack this guy upside the face and then come home and proudly announce how well I handled this silly situation? Nope, instead dude asks me if I would like to steal away with him for some quality time to "get to know eachother" and I just say weakly "I am married...you're married...I love my husband and I don't think what you're suggesting is a real option here". SO WEAK. (Obviously - it wasn't a deterrent for him)

 

I do not believe the old saying "once a cheater always a cheater". If that's true then I may as well walk away from my M now and just be a stupid heartless slut...but it's not who I am and I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again....So....What is it? Anyone care to share their incite? Please...negativity and bashing won't get you anywhere with me here...I don't need to hear what I have done wrong in a cruel manner - I do that to myself....at this point I just want someone elses take on why I have this weakness when it comes to standing up for myself...how to fix it...and why does it seem that most women who have gone through what I've gone through share this feeling? Anyone care to take a stab at dissecting this??

[nordic]

hard to say without knowing how you react in these situations. and how you are as a person. we will try as long as we get a reaction and we think there is something there. so if you say know but show yes with your bodylanguage, then we will go with the yes.

 

at which age did you meet your husband? how was your relationship with men before that? did men approach you a lot when you where single? did you use to end up in bed with them?

[ShatteredReality]

hard to say without knowing how you react in these situations. and how you are as a person. we will try as long as we get a reaction and we think there is something there. so if you say know but show yes with your bodylanguage, then we will go with the yes.

 

at which age did you meet your husband? how was your relationship with men before that? did men approach you a lot when you where single? did you use to end up in bed with them?

 

If my body language says yes after I have said no then I don't know how exactly I do that. My H said something like that too...he said I smile too happily and some men think it's a come-on...

 

OM said after I had tried to push away (physically putting my arms out in front of me) his advances so many times that while I was pushing him away my eyes were telling him to try again...which I thought was bunk....

 

I was 17 when I met my H and we married at 19...before him there were a few boys - the first experience I had was unpleasant and when I was 14...a 21yo (who I had thought was cute) came in my room in the middle of the night and tried to coax me into sex (I was w my sister and her H staying at another friends house and he was there also)...when I refused over and over he eventually pushed my head down and somewhat forcibly placed himself in my mouth...I was a bit sheltered and really didn't even know that was something people did, therefore I was shocked. I choked and gagged and ultimately he finished himself with his hand and I had to go clean up my neck and chest in the bathroom while I wondered what the heck just happened. The next day he told some other guys that I was worthless and didn't know how to please a man....I have ever since wondered why I wasn't strong enough at that time to push that jerk away and scream...no doubt my sister would have come in and beat the crap out of him. Instead, later that week one of his friends did a similar thing...he snuck in, but he told me he was going to help me....I tried to tell him I didn't want help but he too was very pushy...so in short - to answer your question - most likely I would have to say yes...if a man pushed me and I felt cornered enough he usually got a BJ out of the deal...sex itself not so much....but the difference there isn't huge. And admitting that sucks...because I would really like to say that I was this pillar of strength who fought for her dignity...but the truth is if someone pushed hard enough I nearly always caved as least some.

 

After I married my H, though, it wasn't that hard to say no...I was married so if a guy hit on me I said no...pretty plain....I am not a beauty queen by any means. I have weight to lose...but from what I've been told I have a great smile? So the advances when I was younger were every few months...and if I had a boyfriend easy enough to ward off for whatever reason...now they're less frequent...unfortunately I know how to handle them even less now than I did then....

[nordic]

If my body language says yes after I have said no then I don't know how exactly I do that. My H said something like that too...he said I smile too happily and some men think it's a come-on...

 

OM said after I had tried to push away (physically putting my arms out in front of me) his advances so many times that while I was pushing him away my eyes were telling him to try again...which I thought was bunk....

 

I was 17 when I met my H and we married at 19...before him there were a few boys - the first experience I had was unpleasant and when I was 14...a 21yo (who I had thought was cute) came in my room in the middle of the night and tried to coax me into sex (I was w my sister and her H staying at another friends house and he was there also)...when I refused over and over he eventually pushed my head down and somewhat forcibly placed himself in my mouth...I was a bit sheltered and really didn't even know that was something people did, therefore I was shocked. I choked and gagged and ultimately he finished himself with his hand and I had to go clean up my neck and chest in the bathroom while I wondered what the heck just happened. The next day he told some other guys that I was worthless and didn't know how to please a man....I have ever since wondered why I wasn't strong enough at that time to push that jerk away and scream...no doubt my sister would have come in and beat the crap out of him. Instead, later that week one of his friends did a similar thing...he snuck in, but he told me he was going to help me....I tried to tell him I didn't want help but he too was very pushy...so in short - to answer your question - most likely I would have to say yes...if a man pushed me and I felt cornered enough he usually got a BJ out of the deal...sex itself not so much....but the difference there isn't huge. And admitting that sucks...because I would really like to say that I was this pillar of strength who fought for her dignity...but the truth is if someone pushed hard enough I nearly always caved as least some.

 

After I married my H, though, it wasn't that hard to say no...I was married so if a guy hit on me I said no...pretty plain....I am not a beauty queen by any means. I have weight to lose...but from what I've been told I have a great smile? So the advances when I was younger were every few months...and if I had a boyfriend easy enough to ward off for whatever reason...now they're less frequent...unfortunately I know how to handle them even less now than I did then....

 

feel for you. not proud of these men you came across.

 

i think you should tell your man everything that takes place, and i mean everything. if i was together with a woman like you, i would need to know everything, coz i wouldnt trust her. not coz was a bad person, i dont think tat at all, but i wouldnt trust the world around her, and her respons.

 

you did the right thing, letting hour h deal with that other man.

 

good luck.

[mitchell]

Thanks for sharing your story. They certainly lend some insight into your psyche. I'm always impressed when people can examine themselves so closely.

 

The subconscious body language question may well be valid. While this does not give permission for these men to be jerks, they may be getting a vibe from you that is vulnerable and inviting.

 

Having this realization is very helpful. Use this as an opportunity to further strengthen your relationship with your husband. Share this vulnerability with him and revel in the strength he brings to you as your support. There's no shame in relying on our spouse in those situations. That's what a healthy marriage is all about. I'm sure you support him in many other ways. Just look at how you have transformed him into a better husband and father with your efforts.

[robf1971]

What on Earth am I doing wrong that makes ANY men think that the ring on my finger is just for looks?

 

Nothing at all, it's not you many men who will try it on with a married woman for the challenge.

[robf1971]

. I am one of the luckiest women around...he changed his behavior...grew up...became the man I knew he could be....??

 

All I can say is that you really are one of the luckiest women around. My wife could have been you, same story, same ending. I know for a fact if your hubby was thinking like I was he could have been close to calling it quits himself.

[xxoo]

Recently another man began to hit on me. I cannot tell you how stressful this has been. I don't know why, but when someone compliments me, I can't NOT smile and say thank you...and for some reason when I do this it is like putting a huge stamp on my forehead that says "Try to F me - please!" WHY???? What on Earth am I doing wrong that makes ANY men think that the ring on my finger is just for looks? And how do I - a person who is not naturally rude or mean by nature and has true difficulty doling out rejection - stave these people off? I was so afraid my H would overreact about this other guy that I didn't say anything to him at first...finally I realized this guy was going to keep trying to get my # or write me e-mails...so I told my H and he intervened. (Sent him a message saying "My wife told you to leave her alone...now leave her alone") But why couldn't I just smack this guy upside the face and then come home and proudly announce how well I handled this silly situation? Nope, instead dude asks me if I would like to steal away with him for some quality time to "get to know eachother" and I just say weakly "I am married...you're married...I love my husband and I don't think what you're suggesting is a real option here". SO WEAK. (Obviously - it wasn't a deterrent for him)

 

Why do you feel uncomfortable doling out rejection? You have an easy out--you are married and LOVE LOVE LOVE your spouse! Lay it on thick!

 

It is much harder, imo, when a woman is single....because then the rejection is personal (yes, I am available, but I don't want YOU). When partnered, there is nothing to feel rude or mean about.

 

Your weak turn down "I am married...you're married...not a real option" can be interpreted as "I've considered your appealing offer, but unfortunately do not think it is a real option". What you need to communicate is "I have everything I could ever dream of in my man. You are speaking to a very satisfied woman. I wish you luck finding the kind of love that I have at home."

[JaneyAmazed]

This is a great topic. I think know what me fall for xOM. I just needed the attention and affirmation I wasn't getting my my H. I had turned my back on my H and God and I was in a self-destructive state of mind. I decided to numb the pain by using xOM as my drug of choice. The problem is, like any drug, it didn't solve the problem. It added to the problem. I tricked myself into thinking it was helping my marriage because I wasn't upset with H anymore and I could be so nice to him. Ha! What a delusional woman I was. It didn't take me long to realize I was out of control and if I had any hopes of saving my marriage and keeping my husband, I had to stop seeing xOM.

[Zapbasket]

Great response. I agree 100%:

 

Why do you feel uncomfortable doling out rejection? You have an easy out--you are married and LOVE LOVE LOVE your spouse! Lay it on thick!

 

It is much harder, imo, when a woman is single....because then the rejection is personal (yes, I am available, but I don't want YOU). When partnered, there is nothing to feel rude or mean about.

 

Your weak turn down "I am married...you're married...not a real option" can be interpreted as "I've considered your appealing offer, but unfortunately do not think it is a real option". What you need to communicate is "I have everything I could ever dream of in my man. You are speaking to a very satisfied woman. I wish you luck finding the kind of love that I have at home."

 

To reiterate what someone else said above, it is NOT your fault that some men think they can hit on you despite the wedding ring. That said, I think a little more aggression on your part would be good to cultivate. There are some men--and not to be sexist but it does seem to occur more often with men--who interact with others, especially women, on an "If I just push hard enough" basis. They often are very charismatic and convincing and they wear people down in order to get their way. It's never a give and take with them. If you are not an aggressive person, are shy, insecure, and overly invested in being polite at all costs, men like this have a high probability of wearing you down. It sounds like this happens often with you.

 

Perhaps it helps to hear that these men are LOSERS. You have every right to stand firm against them; in fact, I think XXOO's suggested response is more than they deserve.

 

I also give you kudos for sending your husband after them. In sum, you do nothing wrong. Tell your husband, if you haven't already, all the concerns and insights from your past that you have shared here.

[Zapbasket]

...how did your husband succeed in doing a complete 180 on his hurtful behaviors? Was it an ultimatum from you, or was it all on his own volition, spurred on by your affair? That's pretty amazing.

[ShatteredReality]

feel for you. not proud of these men you came across.

 

i think you should tell your man everything that takes place, and i mean everything. if i was together with a woman like you, i would need to know everything, coz i wouldnt trust her. not coz was a bad person, i dont think tat at all, but i wouldnt trust the world around her, and her respons.

 

you did the right thing, letting hour h deal with that other man.

 

good luck.

 

Thanks - Yeah it's always some guy who I nearly bump with my cart at the store, I say "excuse me" avoid eye contact and move past him - next thing I know he's following me or something...yeah I attract the creepy guys...but I know now all men are that way and therefore don't generalize....I just have a knack with a specific group apparently.

 

My husband and I are very open about this - I just don't want him to think he's got to babysit me through life! That's not fair to him...but it does help to hear someone else say it was ok for me to let him do that...

 

All I can say is that you really are one of the luckiest women around. My wife could have been you, same story, same ending. I know for a fact if your hubby was thinking like I was he could have been close to calling it quits himself.

 

We nearly didn't make it...a few times. I was done...I was leaving...the affair was more like an exit affair...it's of course a long story, but I was lucky he worked as hard as he did....and now I have the rest of my life to spend making sure he knows he made the right choice.

 

Why do you feel uncomfortable doling out rejection? You have an easy out--you are married and LOVE LOVE LOVE your spouse! Lay it on thick!

 

It is much harder, imo, when a woman is single....because then the rejection is personal (yes, I am available, but I don't want YOU). When partnered, there is nothing to feel rude or mean about.

 

Your weak turn down "I am married...you're married...not a real option" can be interpreted as "I've considered your appealing offer, but unfortunately do not think it is a real option". What you need to communicate is "I have everything I could ever dream of in my man. You are speaking to a very satisfied woman. I wish you luck finding the kind of love that I have at home."

 

That's just it! I am on here (LS) as my "safe place" to complain about him if I want to...but otherwise I don't! Well, I have one close girlfriend I can also gripe about him to...but other men never hear me say a negative thing...It's always, "I'm spoiled - he treats me so well" "I got to marry my Prince Charming" or something along those lines. This particular guy came in under the radar...chance meeting at an exersize class - my son was with me the first few times I saw him and the two of them chatted because my boy was happy to see another guy in the class...the first time my son doesn't come with me and BAM - dude is coming on to me....I am half tempted to make sure my son is with me from here on out! lol...ugh..I am a grown woman...I shouldn't need a babysitter. OH - and I DID tell this guy that I'm happy....maybe you're right though...I just didn't say it with enough conviction...I was taken so off guard...I just need to be better about these things...

 

This is a great topic. I think know what me fall for xOM. I just needed the attention and affirmation I wasn't getting my my H. I had turned my back on my H and God and I was in a self-destructive state of mind. I decided to numb the pain by using xOM as my drug of choice. The problem is, like any drug, it didn't solve the problem. It added to the problem. I tricked myself into thinking it was helping my marriage because I wasn't upset with H anymore and I could be so nice to him. Ha! What a delusional woman I was. It didn't take me long to realize I was out of control and if I had any hopes of saving my marriage and keeping my husband, I had to stop seeing xOM.

 

Yes - my marriage was trashed when I met OM and my self esteem was totally tanked. OM was the exact wrong choice to make - however one thing I must credit him with - he managed to make me realize I hadn't been taking care of myself for years. That's why I've always said I wouldn't completely erase the entire experience...I would stop him at that first kiss - cause before that all of his attention and our "talks" were what really made me begin to think and realize a change needed to happen...if I could have walked away without ever getting physical with him the damage would have been far less.

 

Great response. I agree 100%:

 

 

 

To reiterate what someone else said above, it is NOT your fault that some men think they can hit on you despite the wedding ring. That said, I think a little more aggression on your part would be good to cultivate. There are some men--and not to be sexist but it does seem to occur more often with men--who interact with others, especially women, on an "If I just push hard enough" basis. They often are very charismatic and convincing and they wear people down in order to get their way. It's never a give and take with them. If you are not an aggressive person, are shy, insecure, and overly invested in being polite at all costs, men like this have a high probability of wearing you down. It sounds like this happens often with you.

 

Perhaps it helps to hear that these men are LOSERS. You have every right to stand firm against them; in fact, I think XXOO's suggested response is more than they deserve.

 

I also give you kudos for sending your husband after them. In sum, you do nothing wrong. Tell your husband, if you haven't already, all the concerns and insights from your past that you have shared here.

 

Unfortunately I am well aware of this fact...somehow it doesn't make it easier to come out of my "polite" shell that seems to be such a dangerous little place. The thing is...I am not shy. I am outgoing...for the most part I am open and usually a happy person - bordering on chipper or bubbly...my H says that's what attracts men. I smile at them (I smile at EVERYONE) and then when they go to hit on me I turn inward and freeze...so they take that as acceptance...He actually is the one who told me to post on here about it, though...he said if it bothers me this much then I need to get more opinions than just his.

[ShatteredReality]

...how did your husband succeed in doing a complete 180 on his hurtful behaviors? Was it an ultimatum from you, or was it all on his own volition, spurred on by your affair? That's pretty amazing.

 

It was amazing. He went from extreme verbal and emotional abuse to...something else entirely. Basically when I finally said "I had an affair. I am not in love with you. I am leaving." he spiralled (quite understandably) out of control and somehow in the middle of all of it realized he had some responsibility in our situation. I had already broken things off with OM, but I was leaving anyway. This solidified for him that I was leaving because of him...because I couldn't remain in the marriage any longer...not because of the awful thing I'd done. He also knew how I felt about affairs, so he knew there was more to it than I just saw some cute guy and lost control. He buried himself in books on infidelity and websites on how to save your marriage....apparently when I chose to leave was when he realized how much he loved me. He begged me for another chance...then in MC we discussed the abuse. He swears even now that he didn't realize what he was doing. He says he knew it wasn't nice or good exactly, but it somehow never registered that he was doing the damage he was doing. He decided he didn't want to be that man...he decided to change. I held on to a fear that it wouldn't stick...but we're more than two years away from that Earth shattering experience (for us) and he treats me SO much better now. If he begins to "lose" it like he used to he leaves the room before saying the things he knows he cannot take back...if I see him start to lose it I say something to him...temper control is something he will probably work on forever, but at least he's open and aware of the problem. He says it's not something he can return to because now he knows. Before he didn't, so he can at least lamely (in his words) claim ignorance, but now he can't so he must be better. Not just for me or the kids, but for himself. He knew he'd never get me to stick around if he didn't change...and he also knew he couldn't do it by changing for me either - so it was for him.

[ShatteredReality]

This is a great topic. I think know what me fall for xOM. I just needed the attention and affirmation I wasn't getting my my H. I had turned my back on my H and God and I was in a self-destructive state of mind. I decided to numb the pain by using xOM as my drug of choice. The problem is, like any drug, it didn't solve the problem. It added to the problem. I tricked myself into thinking it was helping my marriage because I wasn't upset with H anymore and I could be so nice to him. Ha! What a delusional woman I was. It didn't take me long to realize I was out of control and if I had any hopes of saving my marriage and keeping my husband, I had to stop seeing xOM.

 

I'm curious...now that it's all behind you and you know it was the wrong road to take...WS to WS....do you ever feel that self doubt inside? Like you fell prey to your weakness before and so it kind of shook your confidence? I have heard other women say it - they don't trust themselves and whatnot. I guess I wonder if that is part of my problem...I used to think it was impossible for me to cheat...I obviously proved myself wrong...so that's sort of one of the questions about this thread - to other WSs - is this just another hurdle we have to overcome as a result of what we've done?

[jstobo]

Yeah, I finally get to give you some advice. Some people, myself included, not only fear rejection, they fear rejecting. I'm sure it goes way to back to younger years, but possibly when you were 14 it all started. You rejected someone and their actions became worse. Sounds like it happened again, so this behavior became subliminal to you. Your mind says let someone down as easy as possible so they don't come after me with something worse. Since your rejections are stern enough, the person who received your rejection thinks there is an opening. Its similar to winning and losing. Believe it or not, people have a problem winning. They think they can handle losing better then the person they beat, so they lose themselves. Its a psychological difference between someone who performs at a higher level in the clutch and someone who chokes.

 

When someone propositions you, your instinct of not wanting to reject someone takes over and you try to smile and let them down easy. Unfortunately, this makes it a lot harder on yourself in the long run. Just my two cents.

[ShatteredReality]

Yeah, I finally get to give you some advice. Some people, myself included, not only fear rejection, they fear rejecting. I'm sure it goes way to back to younger years, but possibly when you were 14 it all started. You rejected someone and their actions became worse. Sounds like it happened again, so this behavior became subliminal to you. Your mind says let someone down as easy as possible so they don't come after me with something worse. Since your rejections are stern enough, the person who received your rejection thinks there is an opening. Its similar to winning and losing. Believe it or not, people have a problem winning. They think they can handle losing better then the person they beat, so they lose themselves. Its a psychological difference between someone who performs at a higher level in the clutch and someone who chokes.

 

When someone propositions you, your instinct of not wanting to reject someone takes over and you try to smile and let them down easy. Unfortunately, this makes it a lot harder on yourself in the long run. Just my two cents.

 

That makes a lot of sense. I have always tried to avoid letting the things that happened when I was younger be a crutch in any way for who I am now...I'm not a victim. I had an abusive alcoholic father and it wasn't my fault...the result is I get a little overreactive if he drinks with any regularity or quantity....

 

I should have handled things differently when I was 14 but I didn't...so maybe you're right - the result it how my much younger and less logical mind chose to mold that experience - rejection = force...That's actually one of the best explanations I have heard...now I just need to learn to fix it!! LOL

[jstobo]

That makes a lot of sense. I have always tried to avoid letting the things that happened when I was younger be a crutch in any way for who I am now...I'm not a victim. I had an abusive alcoholic father and it wasn't my fault...the result is I get a little overreactive if he drinks with any regularity or quantity....

 

I should have handled things differently when I was 14 but I didn't...so maybe you're right - the result it how my much younger and less logical mind chose to mold that experience - rejection = force...That's actually one of the best explanations I have heard...now I just need to learn to fix it!! LOL

 

The first step is recognizing what the problem is. The next step is learning new tools to handle it differently. I thought my problem was insecurity issues with my Wife. I tried learning new tools to handle her moods and not take them as rejections. Now, I realize the problem has really been my Wife and I'm fine!! LOL!!

[ShatteredReality]

The first step is recognizing what the problem is. The next step is learning new tools to handle it differently. I thought my problem was insecurity issues with my Wife. I tried learning new tools to handle her moods and not take them as rejections. Now, I realize the problem has really been my Wife and I'm fine!! LOL!!

 

Ok so I know the problem - I have NO backbone. I saw that guy I spoke about earlier at the grocery store today. I have already told him and my husband has already told him...but apparently it's all in my "smile". He kept putting his arm around me and hugging me. I wished so badly my son or my H were there...this isn't something I should be wishing though - other women don't have trouble shoving these men away and saying leave me alone!

 

Well at any rate the guy tries to even kiss me...I was completely taken off guard...I had told him I was up all night with a sick child and didn't feel well myself...both true...why would a guy think "I'm sick" and lack of eye contact are reasons to move forward?? Well anyways...when I got home my H smelled the guys cologne on my shirt from when the guy kept hugging me....I panicked....I didn't know what do say or do so I didn't really tell him anything...obviously this made things worse and my H freaked out. I finally spilled it to him and he sent the guy a text from my phone and then found his e-mail address online and sent him an e-mail from my e-mail as though it were me. The one from my phone was mean, the e-mail (since it was from me) was nicer but basically told him to go away. Now my H went for a drive...but he left his phone here. I know I deserve for him not to be able to trust me after my previous actions...but this is just miserable. There needs to be a "back off" cologne for girls like me to put on that makes us completely unappealing. It's like...I totally get why my H is this upset...I just wish I could fix it...he muttered something before he left about getting a "backbone b!tch". Totally understandable. What is wrong with ME?????? Why can't I just freaking tell these losers to back the F off???? I have googled it...can't seem to find an answer...it's gotten worse since the affair...that's why I refer to it as the aftermath...it's like my self confidence is gone...wtf....