complicated grief

[sweetsong]

Hi LS

 

Its been prob 2 yrs now since I've posted here and I'm here at the tail end of a long process of grieving that I've felt stuck in. I'm a MW with 2 children.

 

Long, long story short. I have had LC with xMM for past 18mths (he now lives in another country to me). We had a bumpy ride during our A which lasted well I guess thats hard to say... we were together in a physical sense for around 2yrs.

 

We were immediately attracted from the first moment, I was flattered but cautious, he pursued. He also tells me that his W and kids are planning on returning to their country of birth sometime in the next two years (a red light that I ignored ... at my peril).

I flirted with him for 6wks at which point we slept together for the first time. I'd had a long history of feeling like my H was not the right match for me, lots of MC, 15yrs in.

I tell myself MM is the man who showed up to change my life and bring me the happiness I longed for. I was wrong, but I will go on.

MM decides to tell BS about me at the 7wk mark, tells her he is in love with another woman. BS punishes and shames (as any BS would want to) I find out that this is not the first offence, its about the 4th for him. He wants to end contact, I'm left devastated.... world upside down, grief begins.

 

4months later we meet up for a farewell goodbye, both still have incredibly strong feelings but lots of hurt and pain now. We go LC but this becomes harder and harder and eventually leads to more contact.

 

W leaves country with kids to set up house in new country. H stays behind to tie up work commitments (approx 6 mths). H is here alone without W or kids. I am torn .... cannot be with my H due to feelings for MM and I separate from H. MM and I are now free to explore the relationship. We talk endlessly about life together but both realise our kids cannot be without their parents. We both invest deeply in the A knowing that he will be leaving the country within 6mths. n.b. this is the short version.

 

MM may or may not have told me what I wanted to hear but as relationship deepens begins to talk of leaving W.... my hopes are raised.

 

MM returns to homeland after 4mths for a few weeks to visit family. MM makes no attempt to contact me during this time.... I am shattered. I email after two weeks infuriated... he suddenly replies stating he has to end it. I want to kill him and I end all contact. He returns to this country and tries to make contact, I refuse but he wears me down, tells me he knows nothing except that he is in love with me. I open my arms and things end up back where they were.

 

2mths later MM asks me to farewell him at airport, he is going home to W and kids. He makes love to me the night before. I do my best to accept the decision and be brave. He continues with the 'we have to do this for our kids, and if we are meant to be together we will be'. We both cry in each others arms at airport.

 

This is when the pain really begins.

 

H is now fully aware of MM, I have been honest with him throughout about him. He wants to reconcile marriage and begins to watch me fall apart with grief after MM leaves.

 

MM sends a couple of emails saying, confused, cant live two lives, will never say never to a future with me, too much happiness here with me etc. but makes no attempt to phone, 1mth, 3mths, 4mths passes, I am at my lowest EVER! I send an anonymous email to w exposing our A. No names, no details just knowledge of an A. W obviously confronts H, he tells her about me (for the 2nd time) she wants revenge and trys to have me fired from my job (by phone).

 

I still hear nothing from MM, no email, no phone call.

 

12mths passes, still no phone call or email. I'm in IC to try and deal with grief and have moved home to repair the damage I feel I have done to my family.

 

I email MM because I am still deeply grieving, no reply, I send another, no reply, and another no reply. I tell him I need closure, I need to know its over between us.

 

Finally he sends one email and the first line reads "One email.... " in 4 lines he says, be a great mum and wife and a great believer in good.

 

I try to interpret.... another few months pass and I am still in agony... can't move forward, can't go back. Doing my best to be the mum, wife etc. but struggling so much on the inside.

 

I email again asking for clarity, closure.... W intercepts the email or H tells her (not sure?) W contacts me again, demands explanation, threatens to ensure I lose my job and wants to know why on earth I would believe that my A with MM wasn't over when he got on the plane.

 

I try to protect MM again and say nothing ....... then something cracks and I tell her the facts not vicious, not inflated just the truth as I knew it. We were in love etc. we knew we needed to do the right thing for our kids etc. and I told her that I needed closure.... I needed to know he wasn't coming back for me.

 

I still hear nothing from MM.

 

Fast forward to last week. I go to bed and have a vivid dream of MM coming to me and handing me a letter, he kisses me gently in the dream and then disappears. My pain overwhelms me and I email again (crazy thing to do, I know).

 

He replies overnight asking me never to contact him again.

 

I send a final email (this is a promise I have made to myself) wishing him the best in all he does and that he finds the happiness he's looking for and trying to explain that he left me nowhere to go.... I apologise for the pain I caused to him and his W.... and explain how difficult the recovery has been for me.

 

I hear nothing. I never will. I know that now.

 

I am sad, not because of the reality that it is definitely over between MM and me but that I felt driven to behaviours that are out of character for me, I felt like I was some obsessive nutcase...... all I wanted was the truth from him.

 

Like so many people here..... I experienced a connection with MM that I didn't believe was possible...... we both felt like it was once in a lifetime.... I just wanted to honour what I believed in my heart.

 

I feel shame now ...... that I felt I had to push so hard for the truth and in the end I feel criminialised ...... 'do not contact me again'..... I never wanted to be here, never, ever.

 

I know that the affair was wrong from the start, we betrayed people we care about, I take responsibility for that.

 

I want it to be over and I fear that I will never move out of this complicated grief. I guess I'd love to hear from others who may have been where I am and found a way forward again..... I don't know how to deal with the shame I feel, the loss of self-respect.

 

Hurting :-(

 

thanks for listening ....... sorry that this is so long......

[Gentlegirl]

Give the cirucmstances of distance and the time that he has left between contacts....

 

Believe him when he asks you not to contact him again.

 

He's not playing around, he means it. He lives in another country now and you are in the past.

 

Sorry to pour cold water on you, but seem like you need a wake up call from DISNEY LAND!

 

I wish you all the best and do hope that you start your acceptance of facts and move forward.

 

He doesn't want you, has told you so and you are wasting precious time.

 

Gentlegirl

[sweetsong]

Thanks for your response GG. I've wondered many times if I was living in Disneyland? I guess I always came back to the experiences we shared and in particular the things he said ...... but you're right..... actions speak louder than words..... I'm a swimmer so I'm used to a little cold water from time to time... just appreciate someone hearing my story I guess :-) ss

[Seeker Sam]

Hi sweetsong

 

You have really poured your heart out here - thank you for sharing that. Overwhelming grief can bring us to do many things, some that we would never have thought possible, and that arouse a lot of shame. It is so sad to read you are drowning in that shame. It is a human thing to struggle to let go of what has meant so much. Very, very human. A friend once told me that 'needy' - a word that gets used alot and can also bring great shame to the person so designated 'needy', is really just human need mixed with anxiety. So it has been an anxious time. A hard time. It really sounds like the worst has passed. And now you can go forward and pick up your life slowly, piece by piece. It will pass. When you are in the despair, or the grief, or the shame, it doesn't feel like it will. But it will. Go well...

[sweetsong]

thank-you so much ... the owl is my favourite animal.... you're words offer comfort and wisdom I thank-you SS x

[ladydesigner]

Hi sweetsong

 

You have really poured your heart out here - thank you for sharing that. Overwhelming grief can bring us to do many things, some that we would never have thought possible, and that arouse a lot of shame. It is so sad to read you are drowning in that shame. It is a human thing to struggle to let go of what has meant so much. Very, very human. A friend once told me that 'needy' - a word that gets used alot and can also bring great shame to the person so designated 'needy', is really just human need mixed with anxiety. So it has been an anxious time. A hard time. It really sounds like the worst has passed. And now you can go forward and pick up your life slowly, piece by piece. It will pass. When you are in the despair, or the grief, or the shame, it doesn't feel like it will. But it will. Go well...

 

This is a very insightful post.

 

Sweetsong I felt much like you when my A ended with my XOM (he ended it to work on his relationship with his long-term girlfriend and ended it pretty rudely and abrupt as yours seemed as well). My A was not as long as yours but felt much the way you describe in grief. I hurt for almost 2 YEARS. It wasn't until I got really angry that I started to move past the grief. Once the anger dissipated I came to accept the end and really threw myself back into my M again. Today I am indifferent and am very thankful my XOM ended with me because I want my M and my life with my H and kids. We are very happy now and I no longer think of XOM. I don't even wonder or care how he is.

 

I hope you find your way through this and learn to love and forgive yourself and let go of your A relationship. You will get through this. There is no other way around it. Time does heal once YOU accept that it is over.

 

Hang in there and keep posting!

[sweetsong]

Very grateful for your post LadyDesigner.... its comforting to know I'm not completely alone! warmest SS :-)

[Breezy Trousers]

Hi LS

I was flattered but cautious, he pursued. .

.

 

I wonder how much of your cautiousness was your intuition trying warning you? Just an honest question. I think many of us are warned, but love fog makes it difficult to heed the warning sometimes.

 

He also tells me that his W and kids are planning on returning to their country of birth sometime in the next two years (a red light that I ignored ... at my peril).

 

Yup. Two years is also around the time that limerance/New Relationship Energy starts drying up in affairs/new relationships. How convenient.

 

I tell myself MM is the man who showed up to change my life and bring me the happiness I longed for. I was wrong, but I will go on.

 

Well, it was wrong, but certainly human. Now you know.

 

I find out that this is not the first offence, its about the 4th for him. He wants to end contact, I'm left devastated.... world upside down, grief begins.

 

I'm sure you were. A four-time cheater is a serial cheater who probably devalues & discards rather easily, treating women like interchangeable parts. It's got to be tough to realize you opened your heart and your body to someone like that. (Read about "trolling for narcissistic supply." You won't take this as personally.)

 

I am sad, not because of the reality that it is definitely over between MM and me but that I felt driven to behaviours that are out of character for me, I felt like I was some obsessive nutcase...... all I wanted was the truth from him.

 

Being driven to behaviors out of character is typical for a lot of us. This book made a huge difference in my life: "Women Who Love Psychopaths" by Sandra Brown. Ignore the "psycho" title. The content is what is important. I bet you match the description of the woman in that book -- highly empathetic, loyal, kind, supportive, etc.

 

Like so many people here..... I experienced a connection with MM that I didn't believe was possible...... we both felt like it was once in a lifetime.... I just wanted to honour what I believed in my heart.

 

Typical of affairs, true -- the secrecy & danger create great intensity. However, it's also possible you were involved with someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If so, then know that people with NPD are famous for their ability to sweep partners off their feet & make them feel they were experiencing a love connection previously thought not possible. (Consider Melanie Tonia Evans' free podcasts for support while you're going through this ...)

 

I feel shame now ...... that I felt I had to push so hard for the truth and in the end I feel criminialised ...... 'do not contact me again'..... I never wanted to be here, never, ever.

 

IF your XMM has NPD -- and he may not -- understand that such people have no empathy. That's why I write about it so often here --- "normal" people think the NPD is experiencing the relationship in the same way they are -- projection -- not realizing there's no connection at all on the other side (though it appears incredibly passionate & intensely connected due to the NPD's initial idealization). Because NPDs have no empathy, they have no problem "devaluing and discarding" their partners once they quit serving their purpose or become an inconvenience. This always leads to heartbreak for the unaware partner..... Unfortunately, people can become addicted to folks with NPD much like a drug due to the drama/chaos (betrayal bonding) and will sometimes invest YEARS of their life with folks like this --- hopeless!!! So, Sweetsong, you've been spared, whether this guy has NPD or not. He's a jerk. He did you a favor.

 

I want it to be over and I fear that I will never move out of this complicated grief. .....

 

You will. I liked ladydesigner's reply particularly and agree with it. It will take time. Lots of time.

 

Right now, your mind is probably still focused on XMM, but don't allow him to completely destroy your life. Focus on your marriage and the man who really loves you, not XMM. (Yes. Easier said than done, I know ... but necessary.) It's ironic, but affairs will often bring married couples much, much closer and more committed to each other. I speak from experience.

 

(It takes moving through anger -- not getting stuck in it! -- before you can start taking full responsibility for your role in this. That was my experience anyway.)

Edited May 25, 2011 by Breezy Trousers

[sweetsong]

I really feel heard..... thanks so much BT, you offer sound and supportive information here and I am grateful. Clearly you have learned much thru your own experiences. I will read and re-read your post many times in the months ahead and I plan to explore your reading suggestions. Love, light & peace to you, ss.