GF stolen by PUA

[homebrew]

If the other man isn't marriage material... she will go find someone that is.

[coin80]

All the women that I have run your story by have said the same exact same thing.

 

Which is...

 

"He didn't step up to the plate. She went from disappointed, frustrated to angry and then was DONE. Your WORDS meant NOTHING TO HER because you DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH with them."

 

Another guy came around and told her what she wanted to hear and since she was so over you due to you prolonging the marriage proposal... She thought she would give it a whirl.

 

Don't shoot the messenger, I am not a women and I don't understand either... But according to my sources, When a Women wants to get married or have a baby... PLAY TIME IS OVER!

 

Not thinkingof shooting the messenger. Just pointed out that the transition period you indicated boiled down to a few weeks rather than months. She is very, very pretty. So suitors always queue up, no problem to find someone.

 

BUT: the guy she fell for is 2 years younger than her. He is NOT going to marry her any time soon, let alone going to have kids with her.

 

She says so herself. He is not the right one for me, but he is fun and there for me. Instant gratification rather then the constant procrastination she had with me (I'm a bit harsh on myself here though).

 

Plus, she now says she no longer wants family or kids! "I don't want that, I want to enjoy life now, maybe I'll adopt kids one day." Rewind 12 months and it was "I don't want to be an old mother like my own mother, I want to have kids before I'm 30."

 

OK, all that changed over night then?

[homebrew]

Unlike you, her WORDS meant something. So when she shared with you her want, need and desire to be married to you... She meant it. That is when the clock started ticking.

 

She made the final decision and was DONE within those two weeks you talk about.

 

Reasons she dumped you:

 

1. She got tired of waiting on you, lost hope and finally gave up on a future with you.

2. The other guy is just better than you.

 

Which one do you want to go with?

 

Either way, She is done with you and choosing to be with the other guy at the present moment.

Edited May 24, 2011 by homebrew

[coin80]

Unlike you, her WORDS meant something. So when she shared with you her want, need and desire to be married to you... She meant it. That is when the clock started ticking.

 

She made the final decision and was DONE within those two weeks you talk about.

 

Reasons she dumped you:

 

1. She got tired of waiting on you, lost hope and finally gave up on a future with you.

2. The other guy is just better than you.

 

Which one do you want to go with?

 

Either way, She is done with you and choosing to be with the other guy at the present moment.

 

 

Yeah, that seems to be more or less what happened. I am surprised that you can pull this off in a few weeks, but she can.

 

It's not 1. or 2. but rather a combination. The guy was available (work colleague) and providing instant gratification. In that sense, he is way better than me cos that is not possible in a LDR in the first place.

 

Sad thing, we didn't even have proper closure. She thought she can friend zone me easily. After the BU she kept writing me messages etc. That means nothing I know, prolly just assuaging her guilt.

 

But homebrew, since you empathise well with her likely POV, how would you react to my NC-like behavior if you were in her shoes.

 

Got to know: she is VERY insecure despite her beauty. Everything is either black or white for her. She is either ebullient or close to depressed. When it goes well at work she wants instant promotion, when it goes badly everyone else is an ah*le and she wants to quit. And so it goes. I spent years trying to get her to some equilibrium, it sometimes worked and cost me A LOT of energy.

 

So someone like that might easily interpret NC as "see, I knew it, he doesn'T care about me at all."

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. Only indicators I had from her that she might be interested in salvaging sth:

 

- she didn't really want to break up 100% when I saw her in person in Feb11. She cried, was shaking, said "I will have to lose him, but now I love him." Next day she is stone cold (but she that was fake) and says: you are not the right one for me.

- she has been telling friends at least until mid-Feb that actually i was the "right one" for her, ie marriage material. But she had butterflies for the other guy, who played it well and distanced himself at smart moments to make her panic that he might just be gone.

- she stays in touch with my parents

 

All of the above might just be to assuage her guilt and construct a story that allows her to save some dignity. Nothing of it makes me hope that there is any potential for reconciliation.

[betterdeal]

Honestly the engagement sounds like a recurring theme in your LTR. she probably was feeling very strung along the last two years and wasn't getting any younger.

 

I disagree. It was probably a fig leaf over other more substantial issues in the relationship. I know many couples who split up around the 7 year itch mark; normally within weeks of having got married.

 

By pushing for an engagement she knew he wasn't ready for, she had a perfect excuse not to deal with whatever underlying frustration she had and, I think, they were mainly that she wanted to get in as much fun as she can before she hits thirty (and we all know life ends at thirty, right?)

 

I bet you a pound to a penny if he has proposed they would still have split up. There's nothing wrong in wanting to sleep around, have fun, see the world, before settling down. There is, however, more harm done when we try to engineer the other person into "causing" the split instead of being straight with ourselves and them.

 

Whatever the cause, the cure is to let go of her, accept that she's made her decision, and make his own decisions. Accepting that they are split up means no contact is a natural consequence, except we live in an unnatural world where contact has been ruthlessly monetised. There are millions of dollars riding on you maintaining contact with people, whether it makes you happy or not. Facebook, phone companies, Gmail, all *want* you to be talking via their services to anyone about anything. Time to start managing your environment better, and that includes your communication channels regardless what the shareholders want you to do.

Edited May 24, 2011 by betterdeal

[homebrew]

Sad thing, we didn't even have proper closure.

 

Goodbye / Another Man, says it all. You have closure!

 

But homebrew, since you empathise well with her likely POV.

 

I am not on her side... I am just telling you other women told me.

 

How would you react to my NC-like behavior if you were in her shoes.

 

I am not her but I do know that YOU gain NOTHING by maintaining contact with her.

 

1. You will never have a chance to start healing.

2. Anyone with any self respect will not have anything to do with her while she is with another man that she cheated and dumped you for.

3. You will confirm to her that she made the right decision by maintaining contact with her.

4. You do not want to be her friend. So be true to yourself!

5. etc.

 

So someone like that might easily interpret NC as "see, I knew it, he doesn'T care about me at all."

 

You have no control over what she is going to think... but I do know this... You don't have a snowballs chance in he11 of getting her back (if that is what you still want) by being her shoulder to cry on, safety net, a doormat, etc.

 

So what is best for you if you want to heal or if want to get her back one day is the same... No Contact!

 

Why?

 

Until the other guy is out of the equation... The two of you have NOTHING to talk about.

Edited May 24, 2011 by homebrew

[Ajax]

I bet you a pound to a penny if he has proposed they would still have split up.

 

This is the overall impression I get also. You might have bought yourself a few months at the most. Then she'd get confused, someone else would still enter the picture, and she'd be gone saying she didn't know what happened.

[homebrew]

This is the overall impression I get also. You might have bought yourself a few months at the most. Then she'd get confused, someone else would still enter the picture, and she'd be gone saying she didn't know what happened.

 

Sounds Plausible... Regardless my advice for coin80 is still the same:

 

1. NC

2. Grief the loss

3. Move Forward

4. Find someone that knows what she wants

[betterdeal]

This is the overall impression I get also. You might have bought yourself a few months at the most. Then she'd get confused, someone else would still enter the picture, and she'd be gone saying she didn't know what happened.

 

Not necessarily, but they would have split up. He might have met someone else he "never felt like this before" with and all that illusory nonsense. Or they may have split up without a third party involved at all. Point is, they probably had underlying issues that were not discussed. So the lesson to learn is to be more honest and open when you're unsure about something, be more willing to accept change, big or small, and to make your own decisions with respect paid to those made by those around you.

 

Right now, that means stop talking, listening, reading, writing to someone who has decided her best path to happiness is with someone else, with perhaps you on the side. Of course, you may wish to play second fiddle to someone else, in which case, spend your energy wondering what drives her instead of spending it on wondering what drives you.

 

Life is all about choices.

[betterdeal]

I don't know who that is! What's he like?

[betterdeal]

Lumme, I'll have to see if it's on iPlayer and write about it on my blog / twitter / Arseface

[Chi townD]

dude, move on!

 

Look you knew what your future intentions were, BOTH of you didn't communicate it well. She cheated on you and you're worried that if you go complete NC she'll think, "See, he didn't care about me after all." Dude, SHE CHEATED ON YOU! She didn't care about YOU at all! Go NC.

 

One day she'll wake up and she that she made a mistake, but that's a mistake she'll have to live with, not you.

[rayne05us]

I dont think this other dude is a PUA, he wouldn't want a relationship with her otherwise. Coming from a female's perspective....what possibly might have happened is that ( and this is only my opinion) is that when she came to see you in october, she had her mind made up from then that she wanted out because you didn't propose. She even told you that if she knew you were going to propose in the spring, she would have never cheated.

 

I gotta ask...and I don't mean to harp on this, but this is obviously a major role in everything...but why did it take you 6 years to want to marry the woman? I mean I'm by no mean a fan of rushing into things...but it's clear she wanted to get engaged and was willing to wait. But she probably came to the point where she figured you weren't ever gonna do it. She probably wasn't lookig for it, but she saw a chance to start over with someone else instead of building up resentment.

 

And I by no means condone cheating whatsoever. She was completely wrong for doing that. And that's something you would have to think about if there were to be another chance. It sounds like you both have some stuff to work on. This isnt meant to be harsh at all, but from what your wrote, it just seemed like there was a drastic change after she got her hopes up in October.

[coin80]

so total NC despite the fact that I've been neglecting her (in her eyes) during the relationship. She claims that I always put my work first and her second. As said, during the breakup she was very ambivalent. She basically wanted to have her cake and eat it. The other guy exercised a lot of pressure though and she finally gave in. But she kept saying things to me like:

"Why did you say 'bye' to my parents, I only want a break."

She: "If I don't let you go, he'll be gone, and vice versa." Me: Yes, obviously I won't wait for you." She: "Why not?"

"Now that you are here, I am having doubts again, but I'm still thinking of the other guy." etc etc

 

She also told her friends that I was "the one" for her, but she had now fallen for the other one. Blablabla.

 

Essentially, I think the other guy manipulated her into believing that the grass is much greener on the other side, that I am far too busy for her, and she should enjoy life now. She is now spinning a new narrative that she wants to do all the things she couldn't do during our relationship: go to the beach to go surfing, go out every night, etc.

 

We did all of those (only time she's ever been surfing was with me actually).

 

Plus the BS about no longer wanting kids now. She said, she was going through a phase women have around 30 and wants to try a few things out.

 

Aaanyways, now contact broke up as I didn't play the pen pal game. Also, her new bf is putting pressure on her to cease contacting me and my family as he is extremely jealous. He also told her not to see other male long-term friends who are just buddies. She accepts this which I find humiliating for her, but that is no longer any of my business.

 

OK, total NC it is then.

[coin80]

I dont think this other dude is a PUA, he wouldn't want a relationship with her otherwise. Coming from a female's perspective....what possibly might have happened is that ( and this is only my opinion) is that when she came to see you in october, she had her mind made up from then that she wanted out because you didn't propose. She even told you that if she knew you were going to propose in the spring, she would have never cheated.

 

I gotta ask...and I don't mean to harp on this, but this is obviously a major role in everything...but why did it take you 6 years to want to marry the woman? I mean I'm by no mean a fan of rushing into things...but it's clear she wanted to get engaged and was willing to wait. But she probably came to the point where she figured you weren't ever gonna do it. She probably wasn't lookig for it, but she saw a chance to start over with someone else instead of building up resentment.

 

And I by no means condone cheating whatsoever. She was completely wrong for doing that. And that's something you would have to think about if there were to be another chance. It sounds like you both have some stuff to work on. This isnt meant to be harsh at all, but from what your wrote, it just seemed like there was a drastic change after she got her hopes up in October.

 

Yes, you are right. There is a reason I didn't propose then and it is so banal and stupid in the long run, you wouldn't believe it.

 

To cut a long story short: I am in grad school now. The job market is tough, tougher than it has been for a long time. I had gotten through to the last stages of some pretty, pretty good job selection procedures. Interviews to be held in late Nov10. This would have given us total freedom for everything afterwards, but I was stressed, preparing and said to myself: if this comes through, you'll propose to her immediately, in a nice way with a perspective where she has some choice in terms of future locations. I had been working on this for a long time.

Proposing just on the spur of the moment seemed not as romantic to me: Here is the ring who knows where I'll be next year when certain things don'T work out, in any case I'll think of you.... C'mon.

 

And so I waited one more time, banking on good luck and in the meantime love died.

 

Pretty sad and stupid.

 

I tried to convey this to her, but she would have none of it.

[Ajax]

Also, her new bf is putting pressure on her to cease contacting me and my family as he is extremely jealous. He also told her not to see other male long-term friends who are just buddies. She accepts this which I find humiliating for her, but that is no longer any of my business.

 

 

You're right, it's not any of your business. More accurately, it's not your problem. I know you care for her and want what's best for her, but she chose this. Nobody put a gun to her head. And the magic will wear off for them and she'll come to resent his controling nature. And then she'll choose to leave him too. Or she'll choose not to and be in a relationship that she's not happy in. And it's not your problem.

[coin80]

We were in NYC that day and walked by Tiffany's and some other shops selling rings. I saw the disappointment and sadness in her eyes (no dissimulation) and I swore to myself that I would propose to her soon, perspective or no perspective. She really deserved it. I even thought out a really nice way of proposing to her in early spring.

 

How can you switch your emotions off like this in a few weeks I wonder?

 

Anyways, it's history.

[Chi townD]

Okay, so you're going with total NC. Here's a few things that you need to do. You have to delete her off your Facebook page. No Contact peroid! If you have this burning desire to contact her; post here. If she contacts you and the first and natural response to you is to return the call, text or e-mail; post here.

 

The first stages of true NC is going to be tough, always is and always will be. But, people are here to support you that can offer some good solid advice if you want it. Good luck!

[D-Lish]

In all honesty, if it had been her posting her situation- being with a guy for 6 years, wanting to get married and have kids- but no proposal in sight.... people would have told her to re-evaluate the relationship, maybe set a timeline for leaving if that proposal didn't happen.

 

I know you've been through the ringer on this one- but it's possible she got a lot of advice to leave the relationship if marriage and kids was something she wanted, and not something you wanted.

 

It's possible she saw you weren't ready, and since she was/is- she started to distance herself from the relationship.

 

You mentioned you told her you were planning on proposing in 2011 and she seemed "surprised" by this. Obviously, she didn't ever think that proposal was going to come.

 

I'm not saying it's right or wrong for you not to be ready when she clearly was- it's merely a difference in goals at a given time.

 

You weren't ready to get married (and that's 100% okay)- but she was, and that's okay too for her to want that too.

 

It's possible she just thought the proposal was never coming, and chose to take action.

 

If you truly weren't ready to get married- that's not your fault and it's not her fault- but it creates an issue nonetheless. Sounds to me like she got tired of waiting. If you weren't ready, it wouldn't have been fair for you to compromise your vision for hers- and conversely, if marriage was something she wanted and you didn't- the same goes for her.

 

The fact that she cheated instead of being upfront simply isn't okay- but giving you an ultimatem wouldn't have been okay either.

[rayne05us]

Wow, well it sounds like you not proposing was the last straw...you said you didn't have much time for her as she saw it, and you both weren't jiving on the whole children thing...there was alot that was not well.

 

But look at your post....you basically are blaming this breakup all on her and this guy. I mean you can't worry about HER anymore...you gotta figure out what YOU did wrong...I'm telling you she didn't leave you cuz this guy pressured her. She left because her needs weren't being fulfilled. you have to realize this in order to change...You're right...stuff like this doesn't happen over night. She knew she had been wanting out probably for a while. This guy just came along at the right time. And she saw someone who DID appreciate her and did have time for her.

 

In order for this to work out (if there's a possibility) you have to take time to analyze what you contributed (or didn't contribute) to the relationship and 100% fix it. I mean put yourself in her shoes...if you wanted certain things youre partner wasn't giving would you have stayed?

 

You gotta stop blaming this guy! He wasn't there the past 6 years, you were. You and her experienced the relationship. I mean you acknowledge seeing her dissapointment when walking by Tiffany's...and still you think it was this guy who persuaded her? And you're right that whole excuse you gave for not proposing is pretty lame dude, no offense...that should have never stopped you if you were ready.

 

You have to take some of the responsibility for some of this. It's not "and she this, and she that...and this PUA etc..."

 

I hope you understand what I'm saying with all of this...blaming other people isn't gonna do you any good and it's def not gonna get you back. Fix the problems, gain perspective. Maybe she's not what you need either you know?

[coin80]

Thanks all of you, I really appreciate your taking the time to comment.

 

Yes, I do not underestimate my part in all of this. I tend to procrastinate big decisions and am a perfectionist (I know the latter is NOT a good thing). For her, (i) going into a LDR, (ii) not getting the ring she had hoped for, (iii) and a few other things in December when I was really busy must have been v serious disappointments.

 

I would always seek dialogue and articulate these frustrations but after 6yrs I should have known that she is not the type to do so and that is fine. The truth is: I took her for granted which is bad and lulled me into a false sense of security.

 

Now all is broken. I went to see her in Feb. Before I left, she told me on the phone that it was over, I flew over to see her anyway, if only for closure. It was a bad idea. Although initially she showed doubt saying she "had to lose the other guy", the next day she was stone cold saying it was over, I was not the right one for her. Yes, she had lots of "advice" from some of her girl-friends on this, none of whom has ever been in a LTR.

 

When I got to her flat to take some of my stuff already with me, I was shocked, she had already removed all traces of our RS in her flat. In the weeks prior to my visit, she had told me that she needed time and space for herself, which I gave her. I tried to be understanding, not too controlling. She then told me that the only reason that she hadn't broken it off with me earlier was essentially to get the other guy to commit to a serious RS and not let her drop. She used me as a pawn and had lied to me in all her mails about pls trusting her she would not see this guy for some time, while in reality escalating things.

 

At this point, I lost my composure, which happens very,very, very rarely. I told her some nasty things, called her names, etc. My trust was completely shattered. She admitted that she was seduced by him too quickly and was now "dependent on him". What a nightmare I thought. Why did you let me travel 1000s of miles to tell me this? We had discussed whether it was a good idea that I should come and see her, whether she was 100% cool about my staying at her place during the visit etc. Yes, she said to all of those. The day before my arrival I received a msg telling me, no you can't stay with me, stay w a friend or in a hotel if need be.

 

So as said, I got mad and shouted at her. During this exchange her sister was eavesdropping the corridor called up her parents and made them listen to the exchange. She then basically treated me like **** as if I had shown my true face and it was a good decision to dump me.

 

The same evening we had a calm exchange about the past 6 yrs, she broke down in tears for 45 minutes when I reminded her of some things of the past. The next day, as agreed, I passed by her apt to get more of my stuff. She had said she would leave me the key and visit a friend in another city. I got there and it turned out that she had "fallen ill". She often does "that" as a test and to get attention. I made her breakfast took care of her. She then wanted a massage and it turned into a full body massage (including breasts,lying in front of me quasi-naked), but she wouldn't kiss. I then got on with cleaning out my stuff, made her dinner. She said "I'm having doubts now about my decision". At this point her sister arrived, drunk, telling me "what are you still doing here?" She terminated our conversation and I left. We agreed to see each other the next day. That never happened, now it was her mother's turn to "fall ill" and she had to go to a nearby town to take care of her. I called her mother that evening to tell her get well and "goodbaye". She told me you shouted at my daughter that's so bad. Her mother has no clue. She thinks my daughter would never do such a thing , so it has to be all your fault. She has no idea that she cheated on me nor that she confessed to using me as a pawn. I did NOT tell her, admitted that I was sorry things came to this, that I had found out some unexpected things that really shocked me and left it at that. I met my ex briefly that night telling her that I had called her mother, she looked fear-stricken. I know she was worried that I might have told her mother WHY I had exploded. I knew she was completely in the dark. My ex was certainly worried that this might endanger her mother's acceptance of her new BF.

 

The next day me and my ex briefly met for dinner. She said: my mother told me you said "goodbye" to her. Me: yes, I did. She: I just want a "break". Me: what is that supposed to mean, you are not able to tell what you mean by this. You are leaving for sb else, that it is not a break.

 

Towards the end of the night she said we'll be friends. I said, I am not sure, actually who knows if and when we'll see each other again. That shook her.

 

The same night she texted and called me to say: Thx for being so kind and understanding despite what happened during the last few weeks. I hope we can remain friends and "who knows". The next morning she came to the airport unexpectedly to give me some card and a CD. The card just said that she was sorry that our RS had lost its sparkle and that she knew she had caused me a lot of pain. I should let her know from time to time how I was doing.

 

I remained in touch with her for administrative puposes , my parents had to drop by to pick up my stuff etc. Get some paperwork done.

 

She started writing me long emails asking how I was, what I was up to, how my work was coming along. She also told me how her work was going, what she was doing. Of course never mentioning her new BF ever.

 

I saw this as an attempt to "friend-zone" me. My replies were polite, but very terse. She got curious when my parents dropped by and mentioned I might never come back to her town as I have some of the job offers I have been working for. Then she wrote to me again wanting to know what I'd be going to do and where. Again, my reply was polite but terse. I wised her well. Best wishes. done

 

Now it has been total silence for 2 months. I know she is spreading the narrative that she had profound doubts about the RS for the last two yrs, never mentioning her desire to get married etc to anyone. And that in the meantime sb had conquered her heart.

 

So that's it. Moral of the story ... ?

[betterdeal]

What is it you want to do now?

Edited May 25, 2011 by betterdeal

[pole_cat]

The guy was available (work colleague) and providing instant gratification. In that sense, he is way better than me cos that is not possible in a LDR in the first place.

 

What does this tell you about who she IS as a person? She exhibited absolutely NO loyalty, let alone self-control.

 

Sad thing, we didn't even have proper closure. She thought she can friend zone me easily. After the BU she kept writing me messages etc. That means nothing I know, prolly just assuaging her guilt.

 

Got to know: she is VERY insecure despite her beauty. Everything is either black or white for her. She is either ebullient or close to depressed. When it goes well at work she wants instant promotion, when it goes badly everyone else is an ah*le and she wants to quit. And so it goes. I spent years trying to get her to some equilibrium, it sometimes worked and cost me A LOT of energy.

 

She sounds VERY emotionally ill: if it is Borderline Personality Disorder there is NOTHING that anyone can to do to get her to some equilibrium.

 

So someone like that might easily interpret NC as "see, I knew it, he doesn'T care about me at all."

 

Yep, sounds like borderline personality disorder (BPD). Google it. Also look at codependency.

 

If you had stayed with you she would have just drained you dry and then moved on to the next guy willing to cater to her illness as you did. My husband's friend married a woman like this and he is completely miserable.

 

Anyway, it doesn't matter anymore. Only indicators I had from her that she might be interested in salvaging sth:

 

- she didn't really want to break up 100% when I saw her in person in Feb11. She cried, was shaking, said "I will have to lose him, but now I love him." Next day she is stone cold (but she that was fake) and says: you are not the right one for me.

 

Another sign of BPD; flip flops of opinions, emotions, etc...

 

- she has been telling friends at least until mid-Feb that actually i was the "right one" for her, ie marriage material. But she had butterflies for the other guy, who played it well and distanced himself at smart moments to make her panic that he might just be gone.

- she stays in touch with my parents

 

All of the above might just be to assuage her guilt and construct a story that allows her to save some dignity. Nothing of it makes me hope that there is any potential for reconciliation.

 

In her world view you are probably "back-up guy."

 

You sound like a very nice young man. You can find a woman who knows how to GIVE, not just receive.

[coin80]

What is it you want to do now?

 

 

Not a lot I can do to begin with. I'll get on with things. She will think I hate her, she tries to be friends with my parents at least. God knows why. To relieve her conscience?

 

In an alternative world, I'd like to think that we should be able to be civil, I think it is highly unfair that her family would frame and remember me in a way that only reflects a fight we had during the BU. Despite my indecisiveness , I've been v good to this girl. W/o me, she prolly would not have finished university nor gotten her current job, both things mean a lot to her. I supported her emotionally 24/7 when we were living together and yes, it drained me and my energy, but I loved to do it for her. But she always needed instant gratification and I just cannot provide that in my current situation. I could have given it in a few months again, not now.

 

So I guess I'm striving for dignity and mutual respect, the hallmarks of mothballed love that once was. Not the petty NC scenario: "you cheated on me" - "I know but you wouldn't marry me when the time was ripe" we have now.

 

Having said that, I'm not going into the friend zone either. She already emailed me with worries about her current job developments, sth we used to discuss weekly during our RS. I mean really, go to your new BF for that. If he can't provide it, tough luck, find another person to give advice, revise your letters and console you when you are down.

And so communication dies.

[betterdeal]

Not a lot I can do to begin with. I'll get on with things. She will think I hate her, she tries to be friends with my parents at least. God knows why. To relieve her conscience?

 

I don't know why your parents and her maintain their relationship. Probably best to talk to your parents or her about it. Given that talking to her upsets you, talk to your parents about it if you want to.

 

In an alternative world, I'd like to think that we should be able to be civil, I think it is highly unfair that her family would frame and remember me in a way that only reflects a fight we had during the BU.

 

Families tend to latch onto a particularly one-sided view of relationships. The main function of family is to protect, nurture and help its members succeed. Them's the breaks.

 

Despite my indecisiveness , I've been v good to this girl. W/o me, she prolly would not have finished university nor gotten her current job, both things mean a lot to her. I supported her emotionally 24/7 when we were living together and yes, it drained me and my energy, but I loved to do it for her. But she always needed instant gratification and I just cannot provide that in my current situation. I could have given it in a few months again, not now.

 

Could have, would have, should have - last words of a fool. They all mean "didn't". I find it interesting that you say you were drained but you loved doing what drained you. That's not a sustainable position to be in, is it? Once drained, you have nothing to give. Work on that.

 

So I guess I'm striving for dignity and mutual respect, the hallmarks of mothballed love that once was. Not the petty NC scenario: "you cheated on me" - "I know but you wouldn't marry me when the time was ripe" we have now.

 

I wrote up this apropos no contact:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/blog.php?b=150

 

It's not a weapon or, at least, it is a very indiscriminate weapon if used as such. As for dignity and mutual respect, I suggest you want peace and love. Inner peace and inner love. Self-respect and dignity. You stop sharing brain farts with each other so that you can find more sustainable, tenable ways to live, express yourself, be happy.

 

Living vicariously through her feelings and expression may give you a short term buzz, but it does not make either of you whole. You have to have your own feelings and your own expressions. Work on that.

 

Having said that, I'm not going into the friend zone either. She already emailed me with worries about her current job developments, sth we used to discuss weekly during our RS. I mean really, go to your new BF for that. If he can't provide it, tough luck, find another person to give advice, revise your letters and console you when you are down.

And so communication dies.

 

Well, quite. And that's NC.