GF stolen by PUA

[marqueemoon4]

why does it always seem its women who totally flake out on relationships?

[Art_Critic]

why does it always seem its women who totally flake out on relationships?

 

Probably because you are a guy and only see that side of it. if you were a girl it might look to you that guys are always flaking..

[marqueemoon4]

Probably because you are a guy and only see that side of it. if you were a girl it might look to you that guys are always flaking..

 

fair enough.. i guess i'm biased

[coin80]

Thanks for your posts.

 

I hate to look for supposed deficiencies in others to justify my own shortcomings in the RS, ie it was a PUA or she obviously has BPD etc.

 

But BPD or not BPD, she was/is given to huge mood swings and black-white thinking. At first, everything seemed fine in our LDR, she was busy preparing for an exam that would have allowed her a rapid job promotion. I never pushed her to take this exam, I said: If you want to do it, fine, but be aware that it is tough and requires discipline to work long hrs after work. She seemed content. She has tried this exam at least twice before - and failed. It is tough. This time she wanted to see it through. In Nov10 she pulled out and - all of a sudden - had lots of time on her hands, started going out etc and that's fine.

 

The thing is she blamed her own disciplined and dedicated life-style on the sacrifices that came long with it in terms of forgone instant gratification on ME!! during the BU. "I don't want to live this way, just did to please you, I think."

I mean, what? I told her a few yrs back when she was invited to participate in an int beauty pageant to do it by all means if that was her dream. You can go back to a steady, solid career parth afterwards, I'll support your decision. She didn't want to do it and that is fine, I really don't think I ever pushed in any direction.

 

Now, her new BF tells her that all these exams are BS, career advancement is overrated and that you should all your free time to enjoy life (travel and go out at night). I agree that work-life balance is important and I'm harsh on myself when it comes to this, esp this year (final yr of grad school). But blaming me for her own choices???

 

That was another tendency: Her partner is made responsible for her CURRENT level of satisfaction, she does not acknowledge my investments and the long-run support I dedicated to her (helping her through her master's degree, writing countless cover letters for her in various languages as she has v poor drafting skills, etc). Above all, I had to console her all the time, when she made the transition from univ into her job and was unemployed, when she got laid off from her 1st job, when she changed jobs for the first time, when she didn't feel appreciated in her current job, when she felt overqualified for her current job and wanted to move on more quickly (Hence the exams), when she had problems with family, etc etc

->it became a pattern. I was the shoulder to cry on and she did it a lot.

 

I do not expect anything for this in return, you do it or you don't when you love sb. But it must count for sth in the long-run, no?

 

Apparently not, I was also expected to provide comfort, 100% undiluted attention and availability for fun (travel, etc) during one of the toughest periods of my life.

 

You cannot expect loyalty from her. She says I feel more in love with this guy now (knowing full well that he is in charge of provifing instant gratification, not any of the other stuff). The butterflies are the criterion.

 

She all of sudden came up with things: You won't change anymore, will never give me these small things, travel etc and all the things I just need. I know the other guy is not ambitious at all, and hence not the right person either, but he is fun now and made me realise you are not the right one for me and won't change.

 

 

I almost felt as though I already have a child or small sister of sorts at times. My deeper problems, fears, hopes could never be really discussed in a deeper sense. Her reaction: you never tell me about those.

I would have settled for it, but ideally not right at the beginning of the LDR.

 

Seems as though time ran out for us. Weird.

[Art_Critic]

Hey Coin... you know wayyyyyy too much about your ex's current relationship.

 

WTF ?.. time to let this one go.. I'm all for introspection but that isn't what you are doing..

[coin80]

Hey Coin... you know wayyyyyy too much about your ex's current relationship.

 

WTF ?.. time to let this one go.. I'm all for introspection but that isn't what you are doing..

 

Yes, I do. Partly because SHE told me this during the BU period comparing us if we were commodities. He is like this, you are like this, .... You are two extremes and the right man for me would be in the middle.

 

I stupidly told her that I can make up for the things she thinks she is missing out on very soon. She: no, you won't change, you are just saying this now cos there is a 3rd person in the picture. Me: is this not a valid reason to think about changes if it makes clear that certain things are deal-breakers I was never aware of. She: you won't change. I'll do this now and I will in the long run find the right person.

 

But then all the BS about staying friends, which her current BR wouldn't like anyway. And talking about a "break" all the time. Plus telling her friends during the break up that I'm the right one etc etc.

 

Well, now it is not a break, it's over after a very, very draaawwwn out BU period of over a month during a LDR.

 

Hence all my knowledge, some of which is really painful. Moreover, I know this guy's identity and can see his ridiculous FB pics. No longer checking but did in the past? Why? Cos I thought she'd gone for some guys in his mid-30s, well to do, understanding, etc, etc. Ready to commit, the future me w/o all the hassle and temporary baggage of uni-job transition. But no, younger, self-declared PUA-type (not saying he really is, whatever PUA means anyway).

 

Hmmm.

[homebrew]

Coin80,

 

Is she involved with someone that does not have her best interests at heart?

 

It sure does sound like it.

 

Is this going to end well for her?

 

Probably not.

 

Is there anything you can do about it?

 

There is absolutely nothing that you or anyone else can do to stop her. She is not going to listen to you or anyone else.

 

Fact of Life:

 

People have to learn and figure things out in their own way and in their own time. Sometimes, they have to do this the hard way!

 

I know you care and are concerned about her but you are not her savior and it is not your job or responsibility to save her from herself.

 

She is about to learn a very important and valuable lesson the hard way. Which is, don't get involved with someone with questionable character, morals or values.

Edited May 25, 2011 by homebrew

[betterdeal]

Bummer, man

[D-Lish]

Moreover, I know this guy's identity and can see his ridiculous FB pics. No longer checking but did in the past? Why? Cos I thought she'd gone for some guys in his mid-30s, well to do, understanding, etc, etc. Ready to commit, the future me w/o all the hassle and temporary baggage of uni-job transition. But no, younger, self-declared PUA-type (not saying he really is, whatever PUA means anyway).

 

Hmmm.

 

First of all, get off of facebook- delete her. There is no healthy reason for keeping her as a friend!

 

Just an observation, but people often choose rebound relationships with people that aren't logical partners for them. In doing so, you're subconsciously establishing off the bat that things aren't destined to work. These partners are just interim parnters, a way of avoiding facing reality. Avoidance- distraction.

[coin80]

Coin80,

 

Is she involved with someone that does not have her best interests at heart?

 

It sure does sound like it.

 

Is this going to end well for her?

 

Probably not.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Who knows, maybe the guy has good intentions after all. I'm just not the type of guy who would use emotional blackmail and put such pressure on a girl I really love. I think he fancied her, saw his chance, got her hooked and the rest is history. She has a LOT of agency in this and I'm not denying this.

 

It might end well for her. I was fine to help her get to a professional level where she seems - for the time being - more or less content. She will find ways to elicit the kind of emotional support from him or other friends, I'm sure and he will humour her whims along the way. They see each other daily at work, why shouldn't it work out. Good for them.

 

 

 

She is about to learn a very important and valuable lesson the hard way. Which is, don't get involved with someone with questionable character, morals or values.

 

Yes, maybe again. But then, maybe he IS the right guy for her. She even said something to the effect of "Maybe I'll get burned with this, but I want to have this experience now."

 

What I find v immature is that she is spreading a narrative now according to which he "opened her eyes" and she is "grateful" for it. Also that she had profound doubts about our RS for the last 2 years. I mean, what? It was precisely about 2 yrs ago that she started talking about kids and marriage. OK, my ego is solid enough for sb to tell me "sorry I better dealt you, this guy is just better, so I'll let you go." Fair enough. But whence this talk about having been unhappy - why be so pushy about getting engaged then.

 

I guess it is just to keep face. She also tells me that she likes my parents more than she likes me etc, etc and that if I was like my dad she would have stayed with me.

 

I think this is dishonest to say the least and actually just plain weird.

[betterdeal]

I guess it is just to keep face. She also tells me that she likes my parents more than she likes me etc, etc and that if I was like my dad she would have stayed with me.

 

You're not and she didn't. Why are you still doing this to yourself? Why are you still in contact with her? Is it making you happy?

 

The secret of a happy life is this: do things that make you happy and don't do things that make you unhappy.

[coin80]

You're not and she didn't. Why are you still doing this to yourself? Why are you still in contact with her? Is it making you happy?

 

The secret of a happy life is this: do things that make you happy and don't do things that make you unhappy.

 

No, I'm no longer in contact. It's been NC for neary 2 months now. Not a peep from either side. Why am I doing this you ask?

To help myself understand better what might have happened here and how we got there. It's not uncommon but pretty sad and it is still on my mind a lot.

[coin80]

You sound like a very nice young man. You can find a woman who knows how to GIVE, not just receive.

 

Hey, just reading your comments re: BPD again. Well if it was the case and she had this interpretation of my going NC (i.e. "see, I knew the guy didn't really care about me to begin with"), then that's horrible.

 

So would NC be a good idea with someone who has BPD or at least similar tendencies?

 

What happened is the following: During March she kept contacting me on a regular basis. The pretext for doing so was my mail that kept arriving at her place. I then also heard from friends that she was "suffering" (I don't know whether this was because of guilt or a belated sense of loss due to my being so terse in reply to her messages). Apparently her new BF told her, you have to eradicate these memories and get over it, otherwise your suffering will continue.

Sounds like a nice guy, huh?

 

So as of early April contact broke off. She said in her last messages it was not going so great jobwise and I simply said: I wish you good luck with that. Since then, I haven't heard anything from her.

 

BUT: I did find out that she paid some of my bills, nugatory amounts, but still. Those were among the last mail that still arrived at her place.

 

Why would she do that again? Guilt ("I really screwed him over, he hates me now, the least I can do is pay his bills") or simply to go total NC herself ("Rather than passing this on to this idiot, I'll pay it myself, that way I won't have to contact him at least").

 

Who knows, weird stuff.

[Call Me Al]

Unless she has been officially diagnosed by a trained professional as having Borderline Personality Disorder, don't assume she does.

 

Borderline Personality Disorder is a pretty frickin serious mental illness. It isnt something that would fly under the radar.

 

Matter of fact, dont assume anything about her at all. Dont jump to conclusions. Dont overanalyze what she is doing.

 

None of it does anything at all to benefit you, and it wont help you grow. Nothing about this breakup is about her at this point. It is about you and how you handle it.

[pole_cat]

Hey, just reading your comments re: BPD again. Well if it was the case and she had this interpretation of my going NC (i.e. "see, I knew the guy didn't really care about me to begin with"), then that's horrible.

 

So would NC be a good idea with someone who has BPD or at least similar tendencies?

 

No contact is for someone who is striving to heal from a difficult break-up. It is a good way to protect one's emotional well-being. If the relationship is known to be over by both parties, no more contact is perfectly reasonable since neither has any claim on the other. It enables one to begin to heal.

 

In other words, no contact is for YOU. It doesn't matter weather or not it's a good idea for her. No contact is well within your rights. It's not "unfair" or "mean."

 

What happened is the following: During March she kept contacting me on a regular basis. The pretext for doing so was my mail that kept arriving at her place. I then also heard from friends that she was "suffering" (I don't know whether this was because of guilt or a belated sense of loss due to my being so terse in reply to her messages). Apparently her new BF told her, you have to eradicate these memories and get over it, otherwise your suffering will continue.

Sounds like a nice guy, huh?

 

So as of early April contact broke off. She said in her last messages it was not going so great jobwise and I simply said: I wish you good luck with that. Since then, I haven't heard anything from her.

 

BUT: I did find out that she paid some of my bills, nugatory amounts, but still. Those were among the last mail that still arrived at her place.

 

Why would she do that again? Guilt ("I really screwed him over, he hates me now, the least I can do is pay his bills") or simply to go total NC herself ("Rather than passing this on to this idiot, I'll pay it myself, that way I won't have to contact him at least").

 

I completely understand your desire to reason/figure this all out. At the end of any number of relationships I did this same thing. Frankly, it was hard to stop! BUT there could be a million reasons as to why she paid those bills. Heck, maybe he paid the bills since he's so intent on getting you out of the way.

 

Who knows, weird stuff.

 

Yes. It is very difficult to move on from a confusing experience like this that is filled with ambiguity and flip-flopping.

 

 

No contact is for YOU!

[betterdeal]

No, I'm no longer in contact. It's been NC for neary 2 months now. Not a peep from either side. Why am I doing this you ask?

To help myself understand better what might have happened here and how we got there. It's not uncommon but pretty sad and it is still on my mind a lot.

 

Ah, now I understand. It was just that you were using the present tense when talking about what she had said. It sounds like a lot of what was said was complicated or contradictory. I think that happens when people are upset, and their emotions are in turmoil. You won't make sense of individual statements, each can be refuted or backed up. It's the whole impression that will make most sense.

 

Do you recall times when you perhaps were inauthentic, or otherwise not spontaneous? This is normally when we're being defensive, and maybe it's worth looking into those periods, to discover what made you back off in that way. I'm thinking about the pre-break up period.