ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 wives how often do or should your husbands friends come over? my husbands friends come over 3-4 times a week. nad they stay up all night from 6 at night until 12-2 in the morning. i feel like he spends more time with them then me. sometimes i wish they would just leave. i feel like he doesnt even put an effort into spending time with me anymore. its like now that im his wife thats all i should be. advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 COMMUNICATION! Sit him down with a calendar and find a compromise. It's HIS home....it's also YOUR home. Both of you need time with your friends....but also 'alone' time together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 he's the kind of guy that will do what his friends want. if they want to hang out, sure. if they want to play games all day, sure. if they want him to pay when we go out, he will do it. even if i tell himi feel like it wont matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Well, I'm out of this one, I never have friends over. As a matter of fact, I really don't have any friends. Friends to me are people that either con you out of your money or possesions or flat out ask for money and never repay it. Sorry for sounding so down on the friend deal, but you said yourself that he goes out and pays for things under his friend's influences.....that to me is using him to get what the want while at the same time disregarding the fact that your family could've benefited with that money being placed elsewhere. Maybe I'm just stingy when it comes to money....but oh well, my family comes first. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Ladyjune, If his response is to disregard your feelings.....then perhaps he's not even a candidate for marriage to begin with. It sounds to me like he is putting his 'time with buddies' over his obligation to his marriage. You MAY have to tell him to shape up or ship out. You may not be able to change him....but you sure have the power to change what you are willing to put up with in a marriage. If he doesn't care about how you feel or that he's frivious with his 'buddy financial spending'.....then you've got to make some decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 i see moose. the thing is that his hobby is cars. he agreed to fix two of his friends/cousins cars. and im sure he ends up paying for things they need for it. it just annoys me that he spends so much time with his friends and uses money to pay for "their" cars that needs the fixing. they spend half the day fixing cars and half the day playing games and hanging out. and me, im just left with nothing and no time in the end. i feel like im not a priority anymore. and the only time he needs me, for sex mainly, is when we are in bed trying to fall asleep at 3 in the morning because he decided to be with his friends all day and night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 Arabess, i cant leave. we've only been married one month! but we have been dating for 5 years. i guess you dont really know someone until you actually live with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Well....maybe if he thought you WERE serious about leaving....he would at least address the issue with you. Usually during the first year of marriage, there are a great many things a couple has to compromise on....and this is definately one of them. To let it ride.....HOPING it will get better....isn't the answer. No one can change this but HIM and he needs to understand you are serious about it. I realize rebuilding cars is his hobby and he shouldn't have to give up his hobby for you. At the same time, he may have to curb his hobby hours so his wife isn't feeling rejected. Do these other guys have girlfriends or wives? Perhaps you could get with them to see if they want to go to a movies with you or hang out while the guys do their own thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 arabess the sad thing is no they dont. the friend he hangs out with the most isnt married nor does he even have a girlfriend. so basically his friend spends "all", i really mean all, his time with my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 I read on the other post where you were pregnant. Do you think he resents having to get married or were you guys planning on it anyway? It DOES leave you in a pretty vulnerable position as far as threatening to leave the marriage. ARRGG....what a mess! Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 It's great that he has friends don't get me wrong, and a hobby is healthy as well. My wife and I don't do things together hardly at all either. But I do have a schedule that I follow to allow for my work, fun and family time. All three are an important part of my health and happiness. As far as spending money, I take care of all of that but I understand that my family comes first and if you need to have your husband read this than so be it. If he would be willing to sit down with you and come up with a schedule that allows his friends to come out maybe once during the week and once on the weekend, and have a family night twice a week and once on the weekend, then things wouldn't be so bad. You would be prepared for it and so will he. Another thing I think would be helpfull is to take his hobby and turn it into income. That way he could fix these vehicles, earn some money on the side so he and his friends can build their hot rods and perhaps even drag them to earn more income....just some thoughts, I'm changing my avatar so you can see what I did with a Fiero and Lambroghini kit. I spent around $8,000.00 building it and sold it for $18,500.00. Not a bad deal and it was a lot of fun too!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 yes i am pregnant. the pregnancy wasnt planned, but sort of just happened. we were planning on getting married in a few years, but then i got pregnant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladyjune Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 moose, he does make some money by selling his car parts, but only enough to last i'd say a month or so because then he spends it all up again. his next projects are to build himself a small garage to fix his cars and do an mr2 engine swap or something like that. i know he enjoys doing his hobby and now that im pregnant too we will end up spending less time with one another, i just hope our marriage doesnt endup downhill. we are quite young. he's only 21 and im 20. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 ladyjune, You DO have some hurdles to cross regarding your marriage. You are both young, it includes an unplanned pregnancy, he has a hobby with takes a lot of his time and attention, he still hangs with all his single buddies and you aren't even sure if he's being faithful to you. In the MIDST of that, you are pregnant and have all THOSE harmones to deal with. You are in a tough situation. The most important thing is to keep your stress level down so you have a healthy pregnancy. Do you have your own friends and family to support you emotionally? I really don't see how you can fix it without him being willing to work with you on this. The baby MAY help him grow up some...then again....it may not. Eventually though, his friends will marry and things may change some. Till then, I'm not sure you can make a fairy tale with a happy ending out of this. It's a bad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 WOW!!! You guys are young. That explains a lot to me. I went through what you're going through when I was about that age too. Here we were, me 19 and her 20 and 8 months pregnant. I was afraid to commit and was denying the fact I was tied to a ball and chain. Like my freedom was being comprimised. I bet that's what he's going through and look at me now. Totally committed and secure. It took a long time to be where I'm at and there was a lot of doubt. Can you set him down and explain to him that you're not going to lock him up in a cell, that he will have his freedom, that you need your time with him and soon his family is gonna need time with him as well. It took a long time for me to realize that my main job in life is to make certain my families needs are met before my own. The rest will fall into place. It's blind faith on his part but I'm living proof that if he does this he will have everything he needs to be happy. I do have a lot of money, but what makes me a rich man is my family. The wealth is a by-product. Link to post Share on other sites
morrigan Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Ladyjune, you both are pretty young, and alot of people in their early twenties love to hang out with friends until dawn, but your husband still does have responsibilities, emotionally and financially, to you and his child. Are any friends/family concerned about the situation? It would be good if someone else could intervene to remind your husband that he needs to save money up for medical expenses/supplies for the baby. I have the concern that he also will be so busy hanging out with his buddies, he won't make the time to be a good father to his child. Is there any way you could save up money for yourself privately, in case this marriage does not work out? Your husband would still be legally obligated to support your child. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but if your husband refuses to grow up to some extent, you will feel like you have a second child to take care of in your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts