Friend who had a huge crush on me in middle school

[Glammamajama]

Hello all,

 

I am in need of some opinions about a sticky situation I can't quite comprehend.

 

In a nut shell, I had a friend almost ten years ago who sat next to me in science class in middle school. He was very geeky and no one really spoke to him. I was even intimidated by him because he was the "smart kid" in class and never ever cracked a smile. The next year after he had changed schools, he wrote me a 3 page letter telling me how much he loved me and enjoyed sitting next to me. This was totally unexpected, because I thought this boy couldn't stand me. He never ever smiled at me and hardly ever spoke. He said in the letter how much he missed me and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. Well, at the time I had a boyfriend so I couldn't be his girlfriend. However, we remained friends and I didn't see or speak to him for about 7 years.

 

I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request. He was overjoyed to be in touch with me again and thanked me for always being so kind to him. He said "your friendship touched my life and I appreciate everything you ever did for me." We continued to talk on FB for 3 years. Just 2 months ago this young man sent me a private message on FB telling me how beautiful he thinks I am and how much he misses me.

 

What concerns me is the fact that he has grown to be *very* religious. He is always posting very religious comments and bible verses on his page, which is fine. I am not against religion at all and consider myself to be a Christian. In fact, the only things he really ever posts on FB are things that pertain to religion and how "everyone should live." He is, or appears to be based on his posts, very *against* tattoos, piercings, or anything "worldly" like that. Well, I have my tongue pierced and I have 1 tattoo on my foot. I do not flaunt these things, but sometimes my tongue piercing is visible when I talk or laugh.

 

This young man recently graduated (last Sunday) from Bridgewater College and I decided to surprise him by coming to his graduation. I haven't seen him in 10 years and he had been telling me how much he missed me and missed talking to me, so I thought it would be exciting to finally see one another. I drove 6 hours that day to see this guy. I was unsure if I was going to be able to find him in that HUGE crowd of people, but I did find him and I was so excited. When I found him, he appeared to be lost for words. He seemed so surprised (in a good way). I just knew he would contact me after he returned home from graduation. I thought we would finally be able to catch up when he got home, being that he only lives 10 minutes away from me. He was always asking when I would have a break from school, so we could get together, and I thought since he just graduated and we have the summer off, it would be nice to cathc up! The next day, I found out I was blocked on his FB. Why would he block me? Do you think it is because he saw I had a tattoo? I was wearing black high heels at his graduation and the tattoo was visible, and I am sure he saw it. I don't understand.

 

He was always so nice to me and I thought he missed me and loved talking to me. I don't understand why he would all of a sudden block me with no explanation or anything. I really hope he isn't ignoring me because I have a tattoo or a piercing. These things do not change who I am as a person! I care deeply for this guy and have missed him so much!

 

I have written him a letter that I am going to mail to his house today. If he has decided to "disown" me because I'm not "Godly" enough, or because I am a "sinner" then I suppose there's not much I can do. If anything, I am terribly hurt if the reason he isn't speaking to me is because of something about my appearance. I hope he isn't that shallow. I never "disowned" him when we were in middle school because he was such a geek. When I say geek, I mean GEEK! Like, wore high-water pants, always carried an ink pen in his shirt pocket, glasses, the whole 9 yards! I know I am going to have to wait for a response to the letter I am going to mail today, but what do you all think? I would really appreciate some constructive comments.

[skirt swoosh]

You crushed his little boy fantasies by growing up to be ahh yeah whatever you want to call that.

 

Let's face it. A girl with piercings and tattoos is more than some superficial body alterations. They're apart of a lifestyle choice. No girl with either has been a virgin Mary or a Mother Theresa in the sack, but he should have expected that with a girl who had a bf in middle school.

[Glammamajama]

It hurts to hear you say that. For you to cast judgment in that manner is hurtful, especially because you don't know me personally. I said nothing about "in the sack" and quite honestly, I have never been "in the sack." If you are going to offer opinions, please do so in a constructive and non-judgmental manner. I appreciate it.

[skirt swoosh]

If you want constructive criticism about how to get guys like him then here we go:

 

1.) Remove the piercings. You are allowed two small ones, one in each ear lobe.

 

2.) Stop with the tattoos, scarification, and whatever other twisted nonsensical body modifications you have going on. Get the tattoos removed.

 

3.) Dress conservatively. Don't wear high heels. They are for hookers and tramps. A heel of more than an inch maybe two is too much. Your skirt should never go above the knee. Preferably it should cover the knee. Don't wear anything skin tight. No one should be able to make out the contours of your body. Your shoulders should always be covered. There should be no cleavage. No sheer fabrics. We don't need to know where every freckle is or what Victoria Secret has on sale.

 

4.) No sex until marriage. Stop having sex with every guy you date or see.

 

5.) No making out until after the wedding. Stop letting every guy fondle you.

 

6.) No kissing on the lips until your wedding day. You don't need to be practicing tonsil hockey like it will become an Olympic sport. It won't.

 

7.) Never go unchaperoned with a young guy. Young ladies get escorted. Women alone with guys are escorts.

 

8.) Stop with the drugs. You are allowed one glass of wine or beer a day. Nothing more. No hard liquor. Booze hounds at the end of the night howl alone. No hard substances. No smoking.

[KR10N]

True friends accept you for all your flaws (of course they're also not afraid to be honest w/ you). If this guy is that concerned w/ tattoos & piercings, then he's got a lot to adjust to out in the real world. Sounds like "nerd boy" isn't as "Christian" as he portrays himself.

 

P.S. skirt swoosh is just being a (w/ all due respect) sarcastic insensitive a-hole.

Edited May 24, 2011 by KR10N

[KR10N]

True friends tell you when you are being stupid.

 

This falls under the category of friends being honest w/ you. Which I clearly stated in my post.

[Glammamajama]

I appreciate the advice, everyone. Thank you.

[KR10N]

I appreciate the advice, everyone. Thank you.

 

Hope all goes well for you.

[Boibiasooni]

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[DreamerGirl27]

To be completely honest, I am more like your friend, though I don't dress like a nerd. The reason I don't like tattoos and piercings is because 1) they hurt and 2) they don't look attractive. There's even a 3...if you have a lip piercing, why would anyone want to kiss/make out with that? It would get in the way.

 

While miss what's-her-screen-name (forgot what it was) up there is being sarcastic, this is the best way to go about life. Life is not about sex and neither are relationships. When you care about someone, really care about someone, it's not gonna matter whether you have sex tomorrow or the day after your wedding day. True love, doesn't operate based around sex.

 

And the final thing I'm gonna say is, he's in love with you and I'm getting that you aren't in love with him. It isn't healthy for you (or him), to be "friends" and talk all the time if you're going to turn him down. Plus, look at the way you talk about him!! Calling him a "nerd" because of the way he dresses and stuff...I'm sure he has nothing but nice things to say about you. Even with all your tattoos and piercings. Christian people tend to be a lot more accepting of people and the reasoning behind the things we don't "approve" of are all based off love. The guy that I've liked for 2 years, I just had to cut no contact with because of the same reasoning you're giving me with this guy. It's too painful for me. He also has a lip piercing. My reasoning for me not liking it is...because it hurts him. He's changed it out twice now and it gets swollen and he says it hurts. You think I want him to be in pain?

 

Not to mention...I've had my fair share of getting into that "look" you are describing. When I was 16, my mom let me get a cartilage piercing and it was a piercing from hell. I ended up putting a hoop in it and pulling it through and now I have a huge, black scar from it that will never go away. It got infected and I had to go to the doctor and get antibiotics for it and I was told by a DOCTOR, to never pierce it again, and that he's known of girls who have LOST that part of their ear from piercings gone wrong. Now, you think, any sane human being, in their right mind, especially one who cares about another human being, is going to want anyone to go through that, over a look? Because when it gets right down to it, you're trying to fit a "look". Not sure what look that is, because it's really unattractive to me, for the reasons I listed and also just aesthetically, I don't find it appealing... Seriously?

 

It sounds like you have been a very bad friend to him. Talking like he is a "geek" behind his back...oh, excuse me, not just a geek, but a GEEK. Because it doesn't have enough emphasis to it when you just say it in lower case... is incredibly rude and insensitive.

 

Why would he want to stay your friend? You haven't been a very good one.

 

One last thing...just because someone wants to date you, doesn't mean they want to get in your pants. Sometimes, when we find a person really cool, the most we need from them is a phone call and a hug. It isn't nice to do what you're doing to people.

 

I speak from experience.

[KR10N]

Glammamajama never said that she wanted to get in his pants.

 

Dreamergirl27, hm. Okay, people often do whatever they want & sometimes learn from their mistakes. I really don't think Glammamajama means "GEEK" in a stereotypical sense, more like painting a picture. Then again this guy doesn't want to correspond w/ her because of her piercing & tattoo. He's doing the same as her. Think about it.

[DreamerGirl27]

Glammamajama never said that she wanted to get in his pants.

 

I didn't say she did.

Dreamergirl27, hm. Okay, people often do whatever they want & sometimes learn from their mistakes. I really don't think Glammamajama means "GEEK" in a stereotypical sense, more like painting a picture. Then again this guy doesn't want to correspond w/ her because of her piercing & tattoo. He's doing the same as her. Think about it.

 

I did think about it and if what I said doesn't make sense to you, then I have no more words to express what is going on here. She painted a very judgmental, ugly picture on her part. He's not ignoring her because of her tattoos and piercings.

[KR10N]

I did think about it and if what I said doesn't make sense to you, then I have no more words to express what is going on here. She painted a very judgmental, ugly picture on her part. He's not ignoring her because of her tattoos and piercings.

 

That first comment was to s_s.

[spiderowl]

I'm rather surprised by the responses to your message as my thought train was completely different.

 

Firstly, you and he were in contact online and so both of you could fantasise about that young guy/girl in school, not the real person who has grown up now. He probably had some fantasy in mind and the real person looked different, that's all. Also, turning up at his graduation to surprise him is a bit weird. Graduation is a strange experience anyway, with lots of people you don't know around, and it can be nerve-wracking. He probably had plenty of other things on his mind and was confused when you appeared. He may not have recognised you instantly, being so out of context. Also, in his place I would have thought it odd if someone I was chatting to online turned up out of the blue at what is usually a family event. It's a bit invasive and unusual. It's not surprising if he was a bit put out about it and maybe decided it was too much. Maybe you shook him up by your bold action.

 

Secondly, he was a bit geeky and restrained as a boy, if your description is anything to go by. There is nothing wrong with that but now he has grown up to be a strict Christian. Again, there is nothing wrong with that as long as you don't mind fitting into all the correct little boxes a strict Christian would require and you don't mind being told what to do. Personally, I would see someone as strict a Christian as you describe as being a rigid personality. He is likely to judge you in the light of his religious beliefs and lots and lots of rules and regulations. Do you really want to be with someone who would be picking up on your every foible and manner? I'd want to be myself, not a mindless person prepared to follow a set of rules such as he abides by (presumably). You sound free-spirited, why would you want to be so restricted and restrained?

 

I do not like piercings myself. I have nothing against them if others want them, but they give me the creeps and I instinctively feel that people who like lots of parts of their bodies to be pierced and tattood are different to me, specifically in that they have more tolerance of pain if nothing else. As a non-piercings person, it would put me off if someone had piercings, more than the odd ear for example. Maybe he didn't like piercings and it put him off.

 

Whatever his reasons, I don't feel that you would have been happy with such a guy. I do not feel that his actions were very polite either. He could have given you an explanation, but then again you did turn up uninvited on a special day in his life and maybe he was freaked out. Seriously though, go by what a guy does, not what he says. It doesn't matter if he says you are beautiful or that he misses you: - what matters is how he treats you. This guy would judge you and restrict you, if he took you on. As it happens, he's cut you off without explanation. Would that sort of behaviour make you happy?

Edited May 25, 2011 by spiderowl

[gaius]

Hello all,

 

I am in need of some opinions about a sticky situation I can't quite comprehend.

I would guess he has some kind of sexual hang up, based on the vibe he gave off in school and the fact he went the extreme hardcore christian route. I'm betting he enjoys the online attention but you scared the crap out of him by making it real and showing up in person to his graduation. He panicked and threw you off FB.

 

If you're really into a girl you don't loose that attraction simply because she gets a few piercings and a tattoo, christian or not. I really don't think this one is on you.

Edited May 25, 2011 by gaius

[DreamerGirl27]

Being a Christian does not mean you have a rigid personality.

[gaius]

Any guy will lose his desire to be with a woman if he finds her too disgusting to court. Different men have different standards in this regard. There is an exception sort of. A womanizer will go after a woman no matter how repulsive her lifestyle or behavior is. Funny thing here is many of them will only screw that woman but find her too septic to date. Even philanderers have limits.

Sure it might be a turnoff but he would be the first healthy guy I've ever heard about that completely lost interest over a small tattoo and one tongue piercing she could take out.

 

Being a Christian does not mean you have a rigid personality.

Indeed, but religion offers men and women who don't want to have sex for whatever reason an excuse not to without being questioned about it. The catholic church wasn't inundated with pedophiles because they were actively recruited, it was just a situation pedophiles found attractive because they didn't have to find a girlfriend and pretend to be interested in her. All the kids in sunday school were a nice bonus too.

[DreamerGirl27]

Sure it might be a turnoff but he would be the first healthy guy I've ever heard about that completely lost interest over a small tattoo and one tongue piercing she could take out.

 

 

Indeed, but religion offers men and women who don't want to have sex for whatever reason an excuse not to without being questioned about it. The catholic church wasn't inundated with pedophiles because they were actively recruited, it was just a situation pedophiles found attractive because they didn't have to find a girlfriend and pretend to be interested in her. All the kids in sunday school were a nice bonus too.

 

What a cynical way to look at church. Well, first off, I'm not cathlic, nor have I ever been to a Cathlic church, but I highly doubt there are tons of pedophiles in Cathlic churches. Maybe in the past, but I'm sure not anymore. Just like we don't have black slaves anymore, things change. Evolve, if you like that word better.

 

Another thing. No human being on the face of this planet, with the exception of an asexual human being, does not want to have sex. Sex is love, is life, is procreation, is what makes the world go round. Everyone has a need to create life. It's how we exist and keep on existing. Everyone has that need to want to bond with another human being. The only thing religion does, is make it so instead of going out and sleeping with several different people, just for the sake of "test driving the car" or what have you... is it makes you stop and think about what you're doing with your life and who you love and who you give it up to. This also cuts down on things like STD's, Aids, and the need for abortion. When you live your life to please the Lord, a lot of things will go your way. When you live your life to please yourself...well, I dunno what happens then, but I'm sure it's nothing pleasant.

 

Look for the one. Your soul mate. And wait til you reach the altar before getting anywhere near their pants. Trust me. You will be satisfied if you do.

 

If you don't believe anything I have said, then I am sorry.

 

and I will pray for you.

[DreamerGirl27]

Sorry, didn't mean to derail this topic.

[spiderowl]

Completely agree, DreamerGirl, that being a Christian doesn't mean you have a rigid personality. I was referring to this particular Christian who seems to have so many rules and is preaching them on Facebook too. I tend to think people are more or less puritanical, in the sense that some are very restricted, restrained and self-sacrificing and believe everyone else should be so too, whereas others are very free, flamboyant, expressive and impulsive. Most of us are somewhere on the 'scale' but not usually the extremes. Some, who are restrictive and rule-driven to the point that they attempt to control the behaviour of those around them, are rigid in the sense I was referring to. I've known some very relaxed, warm and expressive Christians.