Is being involved in an affair humiliating?

[jwi71]

Focus on your H and your M and forget the 3rd party. The betrayed will never understand, nor should they.

 

Care to explain any further?

 

Why do the betrayed never understand?

 

And why do you think they don't "deserve"(?) it?

[Spark1111]

Care to explain any further?

 

Why do the betrayed never understand?

 

And why do you think they don't "deserve"(?) it?

 

Yes, I agree, jwi. Sounds very superior and condescending to me.

 

And I agree with SF! How many threads, ad nauseum, have asked, why does the BS take the cheater back? How COULD they?????

 

Asked by the same person, sleeping and desiring a future with said cheater.

 

Makes me scratch my head. If it is often humiliating for the BS to realize half the world suspected or knew of the affair except for them, why is it a stretch to admit aspects of being in a secret affair would humiliating?

 

Not a stretch to ask, not by a long shot, IMHO.

[NoIDidn't]

I can certainly understand why some are feeling insulted by the questions gg asked. I think its the use of the word "humiliated". Just using that word is humiliating and suggests inferiority. And its really up to the individuals involved if they found those things humiliating. It may be that they were willing to do those things to maintain their relationship. The experience seems very different for the OW vs. the OM. OW seem very prideful and not willing to accept that maybe they did some things that made them feel disrespected in the A. But OM seem to acknowledge that there were times when the MWs actions made them feel "less than" and use those feelings to say "never again".

 

And I have to say, it depends on the maturity level of the people involved. I was an OW when I was in my late teens/early twenties. I was asked to hide, but refused. I did have some occasions, the one when I found out I was the OW and dumped him really comes to mind, when he acted like he didn't know me and I didn't know why. I never helped shop for a gift for another woman, though. The guy would have to be stupid to even suggest such a thing.

 

But I can't say anything they did made me feel humiliated. It would have to be the things that I did that humiliated me. Thank goodness I had enough sense to never hide in a car or closet, or continue to deal with a man that acted like he didn't know me - whether I knew I was the OW or not. I initiated my own booty calls. So I can't say that anyone used me for sex when I initiated it. I was never at anyone's beck and call. And because many of the times I was OW, I didn't know it, my calls were returned in a reasonable time or they were dropped. We went out in public and did the things that couples do in public.

 

I am really curious, though, as to why many OW respondents report their affairs as these grand, magnificent, all-respectful to them and so disrespectful to the Ws, YET the OM do not seem to show such glee in painting the negative caricatures of the BS or the flowery love story of the A that the OW do? Probably a question for another thread. Its always interesting to observe in these threads.

[TurboGirl]

Hmmm bizarre questions... I wonder if you think that every OW would do things like that... sex in the family home!? come on! eeeuuuwwwwwwwww.

 

No to every one of the questions... No I do not feel humiliated, never did. Not happy with myself and some of my choices in life. However, that part of my is over and am putting it behind me.

[Spark1111]

Perhaps you should see my most recent post.

 

And I and many other people would never seek to hurt others in their own safe haven when what they need is support.

 

Oh Pullleaze, ET.

 

Try posting about a great reconciliation. Or discovering the OW in your sitch, one you only had empathy for, is a nutjob stalker drama queen.

 

Everyone posts according to their own beliefs, perceptions, and personal experiences.

 

Like I said, I have an employee who could have answered yes to all of the above.

 

It may not have been your experience, it may not have been mine, but if she posted here, it would have been her's plus some incidents even more outrageous.

 

If it is humiliating to be a BS, certainly, for some OW/OM, it is humiliating to be in an affair.

 

And sex in the family home, while not my sitch, is more common than you would think.

[Silly_Girl]

I would happily answer each and every one in the hopes one person learns of how humiliating it can be to be a BS. Ask away.

 

I am here to learn. I appreciate and applaud those who can be honest, as brutally honest, as I have been ihere on my long road to healing.

 

I do not believe the questions are cliched. One of my employees had an affair with a MM, and unfortunately, I think she would have answered yes to all of the above.

 

If you do not like the thread, you do not have to post.

 

Spark, I think the responses bear out that the post was a little off. And the OP wording smacks of someone trying to belittle others, or someone looking for some juicy gossip... quite voyeuristic in a way.

 

Other BS's (or posters in general) have come and asked much more personal and searching questions but done so with a non-judgmental tone and with an open mind. And lots of OW have been surprisingly frank.

 

This is not one of those respectful, constructive threads in my view.

[Spark1111]

Spark, I think the responses bear out that the post was a little off. And the OP wording smacks of someone trying to belittle others, or someone looking for some juicy gossip... quite voyeuristic in a way.

 

Other BS's (or posters in general) have come and asked much more personal and searching questions but done so with a non-judgmental tone and with an open mind. And lots of OW have been surprisingly frank.

 

This is not one of those respectful, constructive threads in my view.

 

SG, I do not engage in personalities, never have.

 

If it had been posted by an OW, or fOW, would that have made a difference to you?

 

To me, it would not.

 

I am sure there are times, for some OW, that these situations exist and may be very humiliating.

 

I am sure, as a former faithful spouse, that many of us have experienced all sorts of situations regarding our spouse's affair, that caused us untold humiliation.

 

I can choose to answer honestly, or snark. I just want to learn. Some posters did post honestly, Some offended.

[Silly_Girl]

SG, I do not engage in personalities, never have.

 

If it had been posted by an OW, or fOW, would that have made a difference to you?

 

To me, it would not.

 

I am sure there are times, for some OW, that these situations exist and may be very humiliating.

 

I'm surprised you asked me if it made a difference who posted it... But no, hence my comment of 'any posters'. It's the intention/tone, not the name of the poster.

 

You say you're sure these things happen. Has it been interesting for you then, to see that it's not at all the case for most of those who responded?

[Lucky_One]

It is quite rude and its intent is to cause hurt and humiliation.

 

The cliches contained within it are pretty unimaginative and recycled.

 

Would an OW go to the infidelity forum and pose this question:

 

How humiliating is it to find out your husband has been having an affair?

 

And then pose a bunch of cliche questions related to the question?

 

Knocking the OW will not give the betrayed their H back.

 

No one can figure out what is in another's head. And everyone is individual. It is a wild goose chase.

 

Focus on your H and your M and forget the 3rd party. The betrayed will never understand, nor should they.

 

As I said earlier, the OP read each of those scenarios on a thread on a different website, and brought each scenario that she read back here. She didn't exactly come up with an original thought.

 

So, in that case, I can't really call them cliches, because they are all things that actual OWs admitted to doing.

 

Was the intent in bringing these here to hurt OW? Yes, I believe that was the major intent.

[Silly_Girl]

I think you're right LO, and reading the link of gg's old post really helps me understand the hatred and derision I see in many of her OW forum posts.

 

In terms of the responses to gg's question, I suspect we don't have lots of posters who've behaved that way. The majority of the OW I've seen in my year here (with a few exceptions) have been sincere about their feelings for their MM. Often they loved them and most of the time the descriptions of the relationships is relatively 'grown-up'; by which I mean there's a dating scenario and not just the odd bunk-up in the works toilet or pub car park.

 

I suspect most of our posters wouldn't have 'found' themselves in an affair if the deal consisted only of those cliches gg has posted.

 

I'm not saying affairs like that don't exist, but I suspect that the women who enjoy and get a kick out of that set-up aren't then logging on to a relationship forum to try and make sense of their position or feelings. They're probably not asking searching questions about what to do next or why things have happened.

[Heart On]

I'm not saying affairs like that don't exist, but I suspect that the women who enjoy and get a kick out of that set-up aren't then logging on to a relationship forum to try and make sense of their position or feelings. They're probably not asking searching questions about what to do next or why things have happened.

 

NO ONE get's a kick out of that set up~

Sometimes,it's even worse than that!

And some of us are still trying to understand

WTF happened,by whom and why.

 

Let alone why we were so Betrayal Bonded to the very man

who lead us to believe they were the best thing for us,only to find out

they couldn't have been worse for us if they had tried.

I know my part was THIS!

 

Nothing else could help explain my reaction any better to it all.

 

http://www.sexhelp.com/betrayal_bond.cfm

 

It's all about understanding. I really try to get this whole affair dynamic and it just astounds me. I would just find it humiliating.I'm curious as to peoples takes on it who have escaped.

 

No less humiliating than knowingly sharing your H with his OW,just from the other side.

 

I was built up,just to be broken down.

Lead on to nowhere because he needed an ego boost

and I was an easy and willing target.

Played for a fool.

Had my love and trust laughed at.

My pride and dignity systematically eradicated.

My own marriage destroyed because I was HONEST,while he omitted all.

Pity-ployed,manipulated and lied to.

Denied when the going got tough.

Scapegoated and thrown under the bus.

Back-peddled on.

Told all I was good for was sex.

Had my heart battered and my body used up.

Never bought gifts.

Never shown an ounce of respect,let alone love.

Hidden like some dirty wh*re.

And left holding the bag for us both because he was

too much of a selfish, coward to care that his issues

left my life in ruins.It was all about HIM.

 

Not his wife or kids or me and mine.....HIM!

 

But then again....I was dealing with this!

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2011/05/23/getting-over-the-relationship-that-didnt-exist/

 

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2010/04/12/10-signs-that-youre-dating-a-sociopath/

 

 

Hope that helped you,because it's just as humilating to admit

to all that was it was to live thru it.

 

It did not start off as it ended....but then again,I had no clue

I was being idealized,devaluded and discarded until it was over.

 

And I was left to try to stand up and pick up the pieces of my life

while he went on at my expense because if I held him accountable

for his actions against me and his wife,I would have been denied that right too because we as OW have no rights.

 

He would have LIED about having told

me he loved me right to her face to save his OWN a$$!

Edited May 25, 2011 by Heart On

[OWoman]

As I said earlier, the OP read each of those scenarios on a thread on a different website, and brought each scenario that she read back here. She didn't exactly come up with an original thought.

 

So, in that case, I can't really call them cliches, because they are all things that actual OWs admitted to doing.

 

Was the intent in bringing these here to hurt OW? Yes, I believe that was the major intent.

 

Wouldn't that be a bit like posting on the M&LP board a bunch of questions asking MPs if they don't find it humiliating when their S: spawns a kid with an OW who he employs as a domestic servant, rapes a hotel chambermaid, or is outed on Twitter for seeking an injunction to stop the press reporting on the A they had with a reality show contestant... all of which have happened to MPs elsewhere (as we know from the media) even though they probably didn't happen to most - if any - of the members who post on the M&LP boards. But, since they happened to OTHER MPs, they COULD happen to them too!!! Surely? So it must be humiliating to be in a M, since those kinds of things happen to people in Ms....? Surely? :lmao: :lmao:

[Heart On]

Was the intent in bringing these here to hurt OW? Yes, I believe that was the major intent.

 

Maybe it's just out of curiosity to see just how similar the humilation feels.

 

I don't see this as "us",ow/om against "them" BS.

 

Never have.And there are places where OW's and BS's commiserate and relate without hate.

 

I see it as who the humiliator's are and how they triangulate us all for with thier own hidden agenda's.

 

We can learn from them as they can learn from us just how to NOT fall into these pointless and hurtful traps.

 

I don't believe this thread was meant to hurt anyone.

 

And being defensive only serves to continue to keep us apart...and that is EXACTLY what they want!

[Silly_Girl]

What WHO wants??!

 

And yes, the tone wasn't respectful and that's why it got backs up. Frozensprouts and a couple of others have asked questions recently and got a much better reception, with good reason.

 

Same as some OW posters have asked questions that have been seen as stirring, and they got a much shorter shrift than gg!

[BB07]

I feel a little conflicted here, I don't know gg's intent with that post, maybe she generally was trying to understand or maybe she just wanted to see who would confirm some of the ow here do or have done her examples.

 

We all know gg is short and to the point and she is very blunt in most of her writing here which ruffles feathers at times but yet I've also read her posts when she supports an ow who wants out of an unhappy situation.

 

I suppose most of us who found out after the fact that things were not as they seemed do feel humiliation on different levels, often times betrayed = humiliation irregardless if you are the bs or the ow does equal humiliation. Of course some would argue that the ow/om has no right to feel betrayed but truth is they do because more often than not they have been told a pack of lies just as the bs has. Yes........I know that does not apply to all affairs but many of them as evidenced here at LS.

[greengoddess]

:laugh: I feel like I am being gossiped about right in front of me.

 

The question came about because of a conversation in the "what affairs taught me thread. I asked silly girl this.

I don't understand why he bothered to cheat with you though. WHY CHEAT? His wife already cheated and then continued an affair with her cheatee so why not just dump the cheater and bring you out into the open? Why treat you like the dirty little secret when his wife was cheating. I just do not get it. It has to be humiliating to sneak around cheating with a married man. Why put you through that for a woman who was cheating on him?

 

Her response.

It's to do with the dynamic. And many years of habitual patterns. Lots of couples have bad behaviours ingrained within the relationship. Many couples who claim to be 'happily married' can have serious issues that they do not acknowledge as such. I know you could never understand.

 

And no, not humiliating.

 

I did not want to threadjack and I was curious as to others viewpoints on whether it was humiliating AFTER the fact when they thought about all that transpired. I would think that if you were being totally honest with yourself then the answer would be yes. Affair behavior to me, the sneaking around, would be humiliating. Also, yes I read a thread on another site of ow discussing the things they did when they were ow that they could not believe they actually did. I find it hard to believe that not every ow, cheater, or betrayed does not have an embarrassing humiliating feeling about the whole affair ordeal. There was zero bad intent.

[Heart On]

What WHO wants??!

 

If you are refering to my statement,

then I am talking about what the MM wants.

 

He typically wants both women and won't get off

the fence unless pushed or pulled and even then,

won't.And thankfully so in alot of cases!

 

I still think the "winner" is not the

woman who get's stuck with a known cheater,

it's the one who escapes...BW or OW!

 

Ever seen this place or heard of a Cakeman?

 

http://gloryb.com/articles/cakeman.html

 

I suppose most of us who found out after the fact that things were not as they seemed do feel humiliation on different levels, often times betrayed = humiliation irregardless if you are the bs or the ow does equal humiliation. Of course some would argue that the ow/om has no right to feel betrayed but truth is they do because more often than not they have been told a pack of lies just as the bs has. Yes........I know that does not apply to all affairs but many of them as evidenced here at LS.

 

 

I agree 100% with this statement.

 

The difference between who he was

and who he seemed to bewere 100% at odds.

 

And if you asked his wife today if she knew her husband

she would say OF COURSE!

 

I beg to differ.She would be humiliated beyond repair.

 

His "choice" to keep her in the dark wasn't my choice.

 

My choice was to walk away without

holding him 100% accountable to us both.

 

Even though,what he did to me as his client...was beyond humilating

and covertly professionally unethical.

 

But hey...I guess I got what I deserved for trusting him.NOT!

[Spark1111]

I'm surprised you asked me if it made a difference who posted it... But no, hence my comment of 'any posters'. It's the intention/tone, not the name of the poster.

 

You say you're sure these things happen. Has it been interesting for you then, to see that it's not at all the case for most of those who responded?

 

I am thrilled whenever anyone is treated with respect in any relationship. I do and have wondered how the needing to keep it all secret is NOT humiliating on some level.

 

I mean, I can't call by MM at home this weekend because he is with the W and kids, is something I would find difficult.

 

But that's just me.

[Spark1111]

Maybe it's just out of curiosity to see just how similar the humilation feels.

 

I don't see this as "us",ow/om against "them" BS.

 

Never have.And there are places where OW's and BS's commiserate and relate without hate.

 

I see it as who the humiliator's are and how they triangulate us all for with thier own hidden agenda's.

 

We can learn from them as they can learn from us just how to NOT fall into these pointless and hurtful traps.

 

I don't believe this thread was meant to hurt anyone.

 

And being defensive only serves to continue to keep us apart...and that is EXACTLY what they want!

 

I'm with you. And I can learn from anyone.

[Silly_Girl]

I am thrilled whenever anyone is treated with respect in any relationship. I do and have wondered how the needing to keep it all secret is NOT humiliating on some level.

 

I mean, I can't call by MM at home this weekend because he is with the W and kids, is something I would find difficult.

 

But that's just me.

 

Difficult? Depends on how busy/not busy you are, whether you want to meet his kids, whether you want him to meet your kids, how far you live from each other. And more.

 

But difficult doesn't have to mean humiliating.

[BB07]

I am thrilled whenever anyone is treated with respect in any relationship. I do and have wondered how the needing to keep it all secret is NOT humiliating on some level.

 

I mean, I can't call by MM at home this weekend because he is with the W and kids, is something I would find difficult.

 

But that's just me.

 

You are right Spark, that aspect of it would be humiliating........BUT a lot of ow/om are led to believe that it's just a temporary thing. Of course in hindsight it's foolish to believe it, but it's one of the carrots threw out there.

 

It's human nature to want to believe in love and sometimes our thinking is screwed up in what constitutes that. We are taught by society, movies, romance novels and sometimes unhealthy thinking that love wins in the end, so we think if we just be patient, put up with some crap that it will work out. Fallacy in affairs, oh yes it is, but truth be told most people don't see it clearly at the time. There is also fallacy in some situations in which the BS chooses to believe in love also when the man in question does not prove it with his actions.

 

I'm not making excuses Spark.......but many ow/om don't see it as clearly as some of us do who have it behind us now or have the benefit of a site like LS.

[herenow]

I struggle with the concept that an OW who is happy with her situation would be humiliated by it. I would think the humiliation itself would be enough to change the situation. So, my guess would be that a happy OW would answer the question with a firm no. Not being an OW, this is just a guess.

 

However, an OW who has made the decision (for whatever reason) to stop the affair may have a different take.

 

I don't see GG's questions as rude. I see them as curious.

 

If anyone (OW or otherwise) would ask if I felt humiliated being a BW, I would gladly answer. I would think that, if a person took the time to ask, I would be willing to take the time to answer. I certainly would not feel like the question was intended to hurt me in any way. I either felt humiliated or not. Being asked the question won't change the feeling in any way. It won't make it better or worse. It's just a question.

[herenow]

I also have to add my interpretation of humiliation. IMO, to be humiliated, one has to believe they have done something wrong. I also think for a person to feel humiliated, they have to care what others think.

 

In the case on an OW (or anyone for that matter) who sees no wrong in what they are doing, IMO, there can be no humility.

 

It seems strange to me that anyone who does not feel humility would be insulted by the question.

[waytogo]

I'm really curious, if now you are out, if you look back at things and think of how humilating it is now.

 

Like did you ever have to duck down in his car so no one saw you?

Never would duck in anyone's car unless bullets were flying

 

Did you ever have occasion to be in the same place as your "boyfriend" that he and his wife were and had to watch your "boyfriend" interact with his wife? I had an invitation be at an event xMM thought I would like where family would be, but that was one head-count thrown off!

 

Did you ever jump up for that 6 am booty call because he asked you to?

Was never asked for this. Can't say it never happened at 6 am, say if we were on a trip or he slept over. I never looked at the clock.

 

Did you ever have sex in his family home?

ABSOLUTELY NOT. Once was invited to the home. It was clear that would never happen, and it was never brought up again

 

Did you ever see your "boyfriend" out and have to pretend you did not know him? Never. Anyone who knows both of us knows we know each other and have a good rapor

 

Did you ever help shop for a present for his wife? Never and was never asked.

 

Now that it is over do you find your affair behavor out of character and humiliating?

Out of character, yes. That's why I ended it. I haven't felt humiliation over it. I have felt sad that I didn't consider another's feelings as I would want mine considered. If there had been a DD, I'm sure I would have felt humiliated. Even I didn't agree with me

 

I actually don't mind the questions. Perhaps it's because I'm so far removed from any affair emotion; except that I'm sorry to the BW in my heart and I would never be in an affair again for any reason. So, my answers in bold above.

[Spark1111]

You are right Spark, that aspect of it would be humiliating........BUT a lot of ow/om are led to believe that it's just a temporary thing. Of course in hindsight it's foolish to believe it, but it's one of the carrots threw out there.

 

It's human nature to want to believe in love and sometimes our thinking is screwed up in what constitutes that. We are taught by society, movies, romance novels and sometimes unhealthy thinking that love wins in the end, so we think if we just be patient, put up with some crap that it will work out. Fallacy in affairs, oh yes it is, but truth be told most people don't see it clearly at the time. There is also fallacy in some situations in which the BS chooses to believe in love also when the man in question does not prove it with his actions.

 

I'm not making excuses Spark.......but many ow/om don't see it as clearly as some of us do who have it behind us now or have the benefit of a site like LS.

 

I completely get this. I know of all the things I tolerated in a loving, long-term marriage, because I believed? hoped? it was temporary and our love would win out in the end.

 

It took me, and a lot of therapy;) to realize when I respected myself and raised my degree of difficulty in NOT trying so hard, in NOT being so understanding and forgiving and asserting what I needed and wanted, I GAINED respect from him.

 

The old adage is true: People treat us the way we treat ourselves.