Choices. Love. Sex - does the "one" really exist?

[blue_berry]

Quite nervous about posting on here. Its a long and complicated one, here goes.

 

I had a relationship for 7 years, it was good. He was a sweet man, kind, fun and we enjoyed each others company. The sex started out good, not mind-blowing but good As often happens in relationships we started having sex less and less. I was still young and this did not make me feel so great about myself. I started to question if this was indeed the man I wanted to stay with forever. I came to the conclusion he was not although he was great there must have been more out there for me.... we split up.

 

I went away for the summer and had a great, carefree holiday for a few months staying with friends. Then I returned home and met a new guy. Complication number 1 was that I was still living with my ex boyfriend as we owned a house together. It ended amicably so we thought it would be fine plus I didn't have anywhere to go (I was living in another country - not my own so no family around).

 

My new guy was great and I was head over heels in love. We shared something very special, an amazing connection that I had never had with anyone before. We were together for a few months and I got pregnant. We were over the moon

 

Very quickly doubt started to set in on my side. He was much more moody than I was (or was used to...) could I handle that? I have always been a real optimist, a positive person... and I started to get dragged down by his negativity. He was a creative type, sensitive and oh so moody. Then one night he came in drunk from an evening with friends. Only it affected him in a funny way, he was in such a foul mood... I was pregnant and he frightened me. (He never touched me but his mood alone scared me). I freaked. I feared for our happiness and wanted to bring a baby up in a stable relationship. Was this one? It was such early days... if this was the start?

 

I panicked. I wanted to protect myself and my unborn baby. I ran straight back into the arms of my ex, who of course welcomed me back without hesitation. He still loved me and would love the baby inside of me too. So we continued the 3 of us as a family. The father of my baby begged me to take him back. But that was it, my mind was made up. I needed to be sure, to bring my child up in a relationship I could be sure of.

 

So here I am married to the original sweet man who loves me like mad. We have a good relationship based on deep friendship. He is an excellent father. We have made love perhaps 5 times in the last 2 years. I can't help feeling this is not right, well I know it isn't right but I can't bring myself to change it. For me the attraction is just not there

 

Over the course of these past 2 years I have also kept contact with my baby's biological father, the creative, the moody one. We have built our relationship, we understand each other much better now. We do not see each other face to face but we write to each other (email). We still love each other or at least I believe we do. He has told me he still loves me and I believe I still love him. I miss our special connection. He has worked on himself a great deal over the last 2 years and I find him much more balanced (he can of course still be moody) and calm.

 

And this is where I am at... I don't know what to do. I chose to be in a stable relationship with a man who truly loves me and that is what I have. But it still doesn't quite feel right?

[ShatteredReality]

It sounds like you need to really open the doors with your H and talk to him. You need to tell him what you need and how to give it to you, see if he's willing to try. You married him, right? So the commitment is made...it's not the same as having a boyfriend and walking away - you have a family to think of now. Consider this - to your ex you are the unattainable. Of course he's going to "love you" and "want you"...he can't have you. But one he got you would the cycle begin again? Would he become more unstable? You don't know with certainty that he's made those changes...anybody can show whatever side of them they want in e-mail and IM...texting...but face to face, living with a person...that can be different.

 

You should see if there is a way to get the attraction back with your H. Maybe go on a few dates together...work on it...it takes a lot of work.

[blue_berry]

Well we have been talking quite a bit and of course trying to work on things in the bedroom but it just isn't happening. Other than that we get on fine, we are of course missing some intimacy but we get on well as friends. I just can't help thinking it should be different or it could be different.

 

Will take your advice and try and go on some dates together, I like that idea I guess I'm just worried that because it was never a strong factor in the beginning that it will just always stay like this. But yes I chose for this and made a commitment to him so I should stick with it.

 

But my feelings for my baby's father won't die down, it has been 2 years now and I still think about him a lot. Problem is he also just can't disappear (or he could) but he won't for the sake of our little girl. She is only young and doesn't know about him yet but we are planning on telling her one day in the future...

 

How do we control those feelings when it seems that we are both still on love with each other?

[Alfie]

Sounds like you're stuck in a very difficult situation. I can relate to you bc I am also with a man who is wonderful in every way and adores me like no other. He wants to get married but I feel like if you were to marry someone it should feel different, or better, or more amazing and joyus than the way I feel for him. So you and I chose to stay w the safe and right guy and try and pretend we can get over the sort of chemistry with ex's that we long for today. I am sorry, many couples say if you lost the romance and passion that was once there, you can always get it back.I believe it is somewhat true, but I also believe that in every relationship, there is one person who is more invested/in love than the other. Honestly I don't really understand why you left your ex just for being "moody." Maybe I missed something, but moodiness doesn't sound like a good enough reason to leave a man you love who is also the father of your child. Unless he becomes violent and puts your life in danger, than thats a different story. At any rate, I hope you and I are making the right decisions by staying with great men that love us in great ways.

I had an aunt that in kind of a similar situation, loved a man for 4 years, but he was very moody and depressing and blah blah, at the end she decided to move on and meet other people, but kept in touch with him and although she denies it, I know that if her heart was still set on her ex, she could never truly move on with another man. What I'm trying to say is that you and your ex are not together for a reason. You made the decision to marry a wonderful man who has also taken in a child who is not his. Take control of the situation, cut the bs with the ex, the emailing and the IM is just plain rude and disrespectful to your HUSBAND, and you 2 are just misleading each other. How will you ever commit to making things better with your H if you're still in contact with another man you love on a regular basis.