oneday Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 Hello, I am new to this forum but it looks like people here are very helpful. Maybe someone can help me out... I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and the last 6 months or so have been rocky. The main point of the problem is that my boyfriend thinks he does everything, he doesn't know what i do for him and he curses at me - calling me some very bad names that i'd rather not put on here. He says that if my self esteem was higher of myself that it wouldn't matter what anyone called me. I personally don't think people should call others names. (that's what my mom taught me anyway). So this past weekend we got into another verbal fight and he said he thought we should cool off the relationship. I asked him if he was going to move out (because the place is mine) and he said sure but I had to give him a date to be out by. He doesn't really have any where to go. Does anyone have any suggestions how long i should give him? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 From this point forward, it will be very difficult to live together. He obviously has no respect for you so he should get out as soon as possible. Though you may feel uncomfortable, give him 30 days to find another place. Let him know that is very firm and there are no extensions. The relationship is obviously over, the last six months having been pretty bad. It is not your place to find him somewhere to live and that he has nowhere to go should not be your concern. He is a big boy. Link to post Share on other sites
tattoomytoe Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 no longer than 60 days...which in my opinion is too long. you may want to make sure that there are no laws or anything that prohibit you from throwing out his crap or what ever you may do. i handle landlord-tenant-roomate complaints, so cover you butt so you do not get sued. and i do not think you should stand for anyone to call you names, or be mean to you. what ever he said about self esteem, that is bunk-sh*t! if you do not like it do not stand for it. we will be here to support you! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 He should have thought about alternate living arrangements BEFORE being an A$$ to you on repeated occasions. I would pack up all his stuff, have it delivered to one of his family, friends or job....change the locks on the door and call it a day. You didn't mention if you still loved him or were hoping it would work out. If so....the above may NOT sound like an answer.....but you can always kiss and make up AFTER he realizes you mean serious business. If not, he will never change and can possibly become physically violent in time. Link to post Share on other sites
nissangurl Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 WOW, it sounds as if you are dating my ex bf, LOL! You relationship sounds exactly liek mine did,and it will hurt girl, but it will be worth it, don't take him back, no matter how much he begs. I took mien back a few times but now have beenout of it a while, and have never been happier.. Anyways, that was just a sidetrack.... When we were living together it was MY place as well, but I called the landlord and had his name put onto the lease, and I left. I am not sayign you should leave, just bear with me here.... Our biggest last blowout happened on a saturday, I moved out the following friday. I didn't have anyone to call, or anywhere to go, but I hauled some major A$$ and got done what needed to be done. There are shelters and other low-income places he can go (or at least there is in Canada) so he REALLY has no excuse. It's not your fault he doesn't have any friends. So, REALLY think about how long you give him, because it can be sone ASAP, I did it! Good luck girl! Link to post Share on other sites
Girlie Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 If some guy were calling me nasty names, his stuff would be waiting for him on the porch or in the street. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 13, 2004 Author Share Posted April 13, 2004 thank you all for the advice. you guys are great. the more i think about it i think the end of this month. the only thing is i am suppose to go out of town that weekend and i'd rather be around for him leaving. and i rather not leave my place to him for the weekend before i toss him out. maybe i forgo going away that weekend to get him out sooner and safer. i do love him - but not like i use to. i use to get butterflies in my stomach -now i don't even look forward going home to my own place. he probably thinks i wont come up with a date - but just watch me....i am starting back to counseling on thursday so i will come up with a plan of attack then thank you and good night. talk to you tomorrow - i'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 13, 2004 Share Posted April 13, 2004 you can start by packing up his stuff and get the ball rolling, I wouldn't even give him 30 days. he will find a reason to stay. tell him the end of the week, and with you packing it should go quickly. today is tuesday tell him to move his stuff into a storage, by saturday, rates for the month are about $50. have him keep a few essentials, like an overnite bag to stay till he can find something, a few more days perhaps. dont allow him to become comfortable now the decision has been made. good luck its done you will be much happier 2months down the road Link to post Share on other sites
Believer69 Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 My husband and I had the same problem and last August I sat him down, and told him it was over. When he asked when he should leave I said now. I now that is kind of messed up but...if you wait, you come up with a lot of excuses, start getting said and then its six months later, you know. He has to go, he will find some where. You will be ok, trust yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 14, 2004 Author Share Posted April 14, 2004 i guess i put up with it for so long that i allowed him to get use to calling me names. But now that i tell him (when we were still talking) i don't deserve to be talked to like that and walk away - he's not liking that and seeing me change. it just hurts so bad - i really thought he was my soul mate - but my soul mate is not going to call be bad names and curse at me. a saw a double rainbow yesterday - i am taking that as a sign that everything will be ok in the long run. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted April 14, 2004 Share Posted April 14, 2004 you could file an eviction of your boyfriend at your local court. but by the time it comes up in court and after a few postponements he could still be at your place for another 6 months. It doesn't matter that it is your place; you let him live there and it is now legally his place of residence until the eviction is complete. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 14, 2004 Author Share Posted April 14, 2004 but that's only if he refuses to leave, correct? which i don't think will be the case since he asked me to give him a date to move out by. but thank you for the info - i never thought about having the courts get involved, if need be - hopefully it won't come to that. i just got done dealing with them for my divorce... Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Well i have not come up with a date yet. so we are still living together....It is way to hard to tell someone you fell in love with but now feel like your out of love with to pack up and get out. Last night he said we needed to talk - he said he was going to be working late tonight and tomorrow he's busy so how about Sunday when HE got back from breakfast. i said sure - if i'm home. (sounds like i'll be eating breakfast by myself Sunday). i asked him if he had another gf because of these late hours he says he needs to work. he said no. Then we went on to say we need to talk so i can make arrangements...i asked arrangements for what - if anyone needs to make arrangements it was him - and he called me arrogant for that statement. so then he proceeded to go to bed last night - so i went down as well (i hadn't realized how late it was) and he called me a f*ckin b*tch for not going to bed first cause he wanted to lay down on the sofa for a while. he went back up to the living room and got on the sofa. i told him he had no right to call me names - and i went back upstairs as well because i was wide awake by now. he went to bed and i laid back on the sofa until like 3 this morning. we woke up this morning and he asked if i wanted to talk this morning - i said sure what do you want to talk about. he said that he loves me and want to spend the rest of his life with me. i said ok and had a surprised look on my face. i asked him if he was going to counseling and he said no but i should go. i think he's living in a fantasy world... what are your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Believer69 Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 You know, who would think that you would spend the rest of your life with someone who would call you such names? Who needs therapy! When it gets to the point you are at, I think you realize its over. I was in the same situation and often wonder what planet did my Ex live on! He used to say when I would say we need to talk, "don't worry, I'm not going to leave you" Like that was what I was worried about. Take it from me, it will work out. I am just worried about the "arrangements" I didn't need to worry about that because my Ex couldn't afford to stay, and I could. I again really wish you luck. My best advice is just stay strong...don't let anything deter you from what needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 i need the therapy to cope with him - he has been driving me crazy way to much. i am not sure about the "arrangements" either - like i said he would be the one to move out. he is so controlling - i don't know why i didn't see it in the beginning. or maybe he feels he has to have control of something in his life - so why not me? i recently bought a new sofa - and it is a rare event that i am able to sit or lay on it - cause he is always on it - says he has to stretch his legs out - and i always say well i do to. but since he is bigger and stronger - he wins. he also has to control the heat - i tell him to put clothes on/off that I am fine. if i am hot i'll take clothes off - but if i'm cold and we have heat - i am only putting so many layers on before i turn it up. god give me strength to get through this weekend and to be strong and hold my ground! Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by oneday Hello, I am new to this forum but it looks like people here are very helpful. Maybe someone can help me out... I have been in a relationship for 1.5 years and the last 6 months or so have been rocky. The main point of the problem is that my boyfriend thinks he does everything, he doesn't know what i do for him and he curses at me - calling me some very bad names that i'd rather not put on here. He says that if my self esteem was higher of myself that it wouldn't matter what anyone called me. I personally don't think people should call others names. (that's what my mom taught me anyway). So this past weekend we got into another verbal fight and he said he thought we should cool off the relationship. I asked him if he was going to move out (because the place is mine) and he said sure but I had to give him a date to be out by. He doesn't really have any where to go. Does anyone have any suggestions how long i should give him? Two weeks, and GOOD riddance. He's an abuser, and your self esteem would be higher if he wasn't in your picture. Good luck to you, you will do better. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I wouldn't give him no more than two weeks. Less that that if he calls you names again. Make sure you stick around the place while he is packing, expecially the 2-3 days before he leaves. Do not allow him to be in the house on his own the days before he leaves. Just in case. If he's serious about leaving, and has decided he is out of the relationship for good, he might decide to steal or damage items before leaving. I hope I am wrong here, but most people who will call you names when you don't deserve it, and act in a such bossy *in your home* are likely to damage personal stuff that belongs to you just to hurt you, or out of anger. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeMe Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by oneday he called me a f*ckin b*tch for not going to bed first cause he wanted to lay down on the sofa for a while. ...he said that he loves me and want to spend the rest of his life with me. i said ok and had a surprised look on my face. i asked him if he was going to counseling and he said no but i should go. i think he's living in a fantasy world... what are your thoughts? Yes, he's living in a fantasy world and he has no idea what love is if that's the way he thinks he should treat someone he loves. Get rid of this guy as quickly as possible. Originally posted by Believer69 I was in the same situation and often wonder what planet did my Ex live on! He used to say when I would say we need to talk, "don't worry, I'm not going to leave you" Like that was what I was worried about. LMAO - oh this made me laugh! What an arrogant a**. I guess you showed him, huh? LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by Pyrannaste I wouldn't give him no more than two weeks. Less that that if he calls you names again. Make sure you stick around the place while he is packing, expecially the 2-3 days before he leaves. Do not allow him to be in the house on his own the days before he leaves. Just in case. If he's serious about leaving, and has decided he is out of the relationship for good, he might decide to steal or damage items before leaving. I hope I am wrong here, but most people who will call you names when you don't deserve it, and act in a such bossy *in your home* are likely to damage personal stuff that belongs to you just to hurt you, or out of anger. This is so true, and it's excellent advice. This guy is scorned, so being either destructive to your property of vengeful by taking it is a great possibility. I suggest having another guy there when he's leaving, just in case. Link to post Share on other sites
freebird Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Uh, sorry, Fredrolin is wrong, YOU CAN tell your jerk off boyfriend to leave. He is not legally on the lease - therefore he is TRESPASSING! That is the law. If you can't get the SOB to leave, got a TRO (temporary restraining order) - sorry, harsh - but get the ingrate out of our life and your living space. You can bring trespassing allegations against him - further, he's verbally assaulting you - he be using fightin' words which should make a smooth transition into getting a TRO against him. Sorry, but if anyone swore at me like that - they'd be so out on the street! He has no rights - he is not a tenant but a GUEST - further, if there is trouble, the landlord could evict you too for having someone there who is not on the lease - then what would you do?!! I say kick his a** to the curb sister! Link to post Share on other sites
Author oneday Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Well thank you so much gals and guys. I hope your thoughts of inspiration get me through this. i just feel like i don't have the balls to tell him to get out...that's why i'm taking you all with me (i printed out the replies and will have them in my back pocket as support - i know i am corny and strange - aren't we all). actually the place is in my name - i bought the house. i was thinking 2 weeks also. i just really thought i found my soul mate - it just hurts to think about going through this type of split up. i guess i just have to keep in mind that i made it through divorcing my husband - i can make it through this. thank you - i'll let you know how our chat goes and when he's leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by oneday i just really thought i found my soul mate - thank you - i'll let you know how our chat goes and when he's leaving. we have a SOLEMATE here too. good work, keep it up. this might help....do you want this man to treat your potential children/pets this way? Link to post Share on other sites
Believer69 Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 I know you thought you found your soul mate...but you didnt. You have the strength to do it, trust me. I really really know where you're at right now. The day I had my "talk", I was going to chicken out. I knew it, I had my excuse in my pocket. He was being so nice, you know why, he knew it..ops did he go to far...YES, its to late!!! Things were good, you messed them up, I'm done. I deserve better. I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself! The fact that you have said it out loud, you know you want this. (or need to do this..) For me, it was a phone call, from my sister, who I love very much and is one of my best friends. "Did you do it"...I started with all of the excuses..in my head, but when talking with her, and how proud she sounded, and the support I knew I had, I didnt let on, .....and she told me what i just said to you. I'm so proud... she really didnt realize what my plan in my head had changed from. I can do it.... It was... he's out, you deserve better, those old thoughts of, maybe he IS going to try this time... AHHH I could do it.. and I did..and sooo happy now!!! Honesty..this will be you! Keep this in your pocket baby!!1As your I DID IT!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 As far as needing support...I agree that you need to get this guy out ASAP, but this is NOT something you should do alone. I would call a couple of friends over to be with me - and if they happened to include some large, strong, mellow guys that would be a good thing - and also inform the police that you have a troublesome eviction planned. They won't come and enforce the eviction for you, but in many jurisdictions they will be happy to stand by while you let your ex-bf hear what's going to happen, and you and your friends speed pack his essential belongings. The police will do this just because they would rather prevent the assaults than come and stop them once in progress. As far as the legalities go, you may want to check with a tenant rights group, but my understanding is that if he is not on the lease, he has no legal right to remain there. You rent the property and can control its occupancy in accordance with the terms of your lease, just as if you owned it. Just think how could it will feel to get him out of there...aaahhhh. Get some beer and pizza for your friends and celebrate when you're all done. Link to post Share on other sites
shamen Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 Do stay strong! He needs to go. Men who are abusive in any way can only become more abusive. It is not common for them to become less so. It's the middle of April, he can be out by May 1st! That's a couple of weeks to look for a place and for you, you've only got two more weeks to get through! Link to post Share on other sites
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