cooling off relationship - boyfriend needs to move out - but when?

[oneday]

Hi Everyone,

 

Well things didn't go as planned.

 

We started talking Friday night and Saturday. And he says he was frustrated which is why he was saying those bad things. All i need to do while he is finishing up the renovations is cook 3 meals a week and with me cooking he promised not to yell, curse, call me or my dog names. He claims his blow-ups were about me not cooking.

 

my bf says he loves me and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me. and since i wasn't paying attention to him by cooking meals while he was working hard on the renovations - that was showing him that i didn't appreciate all that he was doing.

 

I am going to counseling again this Thursday so hopefully that will help me make up my mind to call it quits or keep trying.

 

I am not sure if i posted here during my separation - but it took me about 4 different dates to eventually move out and separate from my husband. it wouldn't surprise if this falls into a similar situation. and plus every time i'd tell me husband i was leaving he would change his ways for a little while then go back to being the person i didn't like.

 

i am interested to see if this is how this bf will act as well...be nice for a little bit then turn nasty once he thinks the threat of me kicking him out has gone away.

 

you know different people have different ways of needing love - and to show that they are loved in different ways - some may be to do things - some may be to say things - i think there are 7 of these ways.

 

i don't know - i just feel lost right now.

 

I hope tonight that we will talk more because i want to make it clear to him that if he goes back on his word he is out the door.

 

any thoughts out there?

[SoleMate]

My thoughts are that he will definitely behave for a bit and then slip back into the old patterns of abusing you verbally and blaming you for his behavior. Just like your husband...

 

I hope your next bf will be one who doesn't curse at you even if you haven't been cooking properly.

[FreeMe]

I agree with Solemate that he'll behave for awhile and then backslide.

 

It sounds like he came up with that bogus excuse after the fact. If he was upset that you weren't cooking for him, why didn't he complain about that before? I'm not buying it.

 

Good luck though and keep us posted.

[shamen]

I totally agree with FreeMe and SoleMate. People do not generally just change their ways all of a sudden. If you've been experiencing this for a while, then it will continue. He will be good for a while and then fall right back into the previous pattern once he realizes that you are going to leave (it's taken me two and a half years in my relationship to figure this out).

 

Besides, why is he asking you to cook 3 meals a day anyway? That's a little weird. Like you don't have anything else to do the rest of the day...

[katy_katt]

Originally posted by oneday

my bf says he loves me and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me. and since i wasn't paying attention to him by cooking meals while he was working hard on the renovations - that was showing him that i didn't appreciate all that he was doing.

 

I am going to counseling again this Thursday so hopefully that will help me make up my mind to call it quits or keep trying.

 

I am not sure if i posted here during my separation - but it took me about 4 different dates to eventually move out and separate from my husband. it wouldn't surprise if this falls into a similar situation. and plus every time i'd tell me husband i was leaving he would change his ways for a little while then go back to being the person i didn't like.

 

I can almost guarantee you that he's going to start acting up again. Isn't it a bit selfish of him to turn around and make you feel like the problem by saying that you weren't paying enough attention? And do you really want to spend the rest of your life with him wondering when he'll do that again because you're not being the way he expects you to be? Trust me, I spent almost three years with the same thing and it took me half that time to completely break free of it. I hope that through counseling you can see that you're worth more than that. And if you do decide to try again, get him to go with you. He should be sensitive (and smart) enough to see that there's a problem that needs solving and be willing to solve it. If he doesn't want to go with you, get him out!!

[oneday]

well it only lasted 2.5 days - he is back to his old behavior and i am telling him today to move out.

 

Shamen - no not 3 meals a day - 3 meal a week. but that doesn't matter anymore. i took the last straw last night....and he wanted to try this agreement out for 6 months - he is out of his mind.

 

please god give me strength that i need to tell him to move out. i just can not tolerate living with someone that calls me names...

 

last night i went grocery shopping then came home and had just finish putting them away when he got home...as he was changing i started to mix a drink and he came into the kitchen and said is there anything to eat now - i said no that i just got home....i was finishing mixing my drink as he started to get the toaster out and you are just stirring your drink to be a fu*kin b*tch. i said no - then he just went on about how long it was taking me...i just walked out.

 

so all last night he didn't say a word nor did he say anything this morning - so i am going to call him in a little bit and let him know that he needs to move out - that i can't tolerate this anymore. and we'll talk more when we get home. then tonight i'll tell him that i agree with him (from 2 Saturdays ago) that we need to cool off and he needs to move out ASAP - not later then end of this month.

 

how does that sound.

[spencer]

Originally posted by oneday

 

so all last night he didn't say a word nor did he say anything this morning - so i am going to call him in a little bit and let him know that he needs to move out - that i can't tolerate this anymore. and we'll talk more when we get home. then tonight i'll tell him that i agree with him (from 2 Saturdays ago) that we need to cool off and he needs to move out ASAP - not later then end of this month.

 

how does that sound.

 

bf says im a fu%kin bi$%h ......................cost $0.02

10 therapy sessions/ sans insurance...... cost $1000

kicking assh*le out of the house.................PRICELESS!!!!

 

 

sounds great ...i see a happy girl in the future.

[lambe03]

well i told him we had to call it quits and that he needed to get out asap. he said give me $xxxx and i'll be out of your life forever like it was just a bad dream. then he said he wish he had never met me. then we kept asking for sex - i kept saying no and kept my pants on! then he would say he doesn't want to lose me.

 

then this morning he wanted sex again - i said no again. told him i didn't feel that connection and it would mess me up emotionally - get in the way of how i'm feeling now.

 

then he called me and said he didn't want to lose me - that we have to much vested in the relationship. that we have to realize whats going on and not take it so lightly. i said i wasn't taking this lightly that he'd been calling me names and yelling off and on since january. he said but it's not everyday - i make it out to be more often then not. and i told him that he makes it out to be nothing like he hardly does it when it happens too much for me.

 

i love him so much - my eyes are so puffy from crying last night and this morning. my heart feels like it's going to come out of my throat and those butterflies in my stomach aren't helping either.

 

i asked him twice if he would go to counseling - once he said no and the second time he didn't say anything.

 

i have a co-worker that went through physical and verbal abuse for 6 years. she and her husband are still together and better then before. if they made it why can't we. help....

[oneday]

well i told him we had to call it quits and that he needed to get out asap. he said give me $xxxx and i'll be out of your life forever like it was just a bad dream. then he said he wish he had never met me. then we kept asking for sex - i kept saying no and kept my pants on! then he would say he doesn't want to lose me.

 

then this morning he wanted sex again - i said no again. told him i didn't feel that connection and it would mess me up emotionally - get in the way of how i'm feeling now.

 

then he called me and said he didn't want to lose me - that we have to much vested in the relationship. that we have to realize whats going on and not take it so lightly. i said i wasn't taking this lightly that he'd been calling me names and yelling off and on since january. he said but it's not everyday - i make it out to be more often then not. and i told him that he makes it out to be nothing like he hardly does it when it happens too much for me.

 

i love him so much - my eyes are so puffy from crying last night and this morning. my heart feels like it's going to come out of my throat and those butterflies in my stomach aren't helping either.

 

i asked him twice if he would go to counseling - once he said no and the second time he didn't say anything.

 

i have a co-worker that went through physical and verbal abuse for 6 years. she and her husband are still together and better then before. if they made it why can't we. help....

[FreeMe]

It doesn't matter if the name calling is "only" every few days. It's the intensity and the ridiculous "reasons" for it. He called you a ****ing b**ch for stirring your drink too long? He's a nutcase.

 

I understand what you're going through with your hesitation. I'm going through something similar but without any kind of abuse. If there was, that would end the indecision.

 

Most abusers don't get better. You don't know what this woman accepts in her relationship. The abuse might have decreased but it still may exist. Why should you live with ANY abuse at all? Also, he refused counseling and thinks YOU need it. That's another sign that this isn't going away anytime soon.

 

Try to be strong. Let us know how you are.

[Believer69]

You have to know this is not going to work. I understand how upsetting it is, but you shouldn't live like that. I also wouldn't trust him as he sounds very unstable! Asking for sex like that isn't because he loves you, and when you refuse, one of these times he may do more then call you names.

 

Now I know that sometimes when people are upset with their mate, they can point out all the bad things and then when you make up its hard for the people whom you've told to forget, but sometimes there is a reason for that!

 

There are men out there that are loving caring and couldn't even imagine calling you bad names! Please, have him leave and find that man!

[oneday]

i talked with my counselor and she didn't like the things i had to tell her either - she said i should go with my gut not my heart and get out of this relationship....

 

so i guess when b/f gets home tonight i'm gonna tell him he does need to move out. counselor said it would be different if he was going to counseling to get help for the way he acts - but since he has turned it down - more then likely he won't change.

 

i'll get the $$ together tomorrow and get him out by the weekend

 

thank you so much gals and guys - this has been so helpful - my counselor says that it's important to have a circle of friends to help through times like these and i am lucky to be able to include all of you in that circle!

[shamen]

One day, stay strong girl! You will definitely be better off without him! Don't let him talk you into changing your mind either; men like this are usually pretty good about treating you nice right when you've finally put your foot down. He's already said no to counseling; that's a pretty good indication of what he thinks.

 

Also, pat yourself on the back for talking to the counselor. You're taking steps already towards recovering from this verbally abusive man.

[Believer69]

I am proud of you! It took me a couple of tries too. Don't beat yourself up either. Although I'm still in my early 30ies I have been married twice, and neither of them worked out. Of course I'm am not perfect, it was the choices I made that got me where I am but not in a bad place! My current boyfriend, although not perfect is so much better to me then I could ever even imagine. Things happen for a reason! Stay strong, and we are here for you when you need it!!!

[oneday]

well i am a mess this morning. every time i start thinking about being without him and not having him in my life i start crying.

 

he got home too late last night to talk. he woke me up at 430am trying to hug me and when i didn't respond he said i guess it's over - i said yes i guess it is. then he won't let me up and i got a little scared. he said i didn't have control anymore. then he finally let me up cause i said i had to go to the bathroom. then i said i was going to shower and go into work early. he was trying to get me back into bed. but i just went to the shower.

 

so when i got out he was up and wanted to talk. he can't believe that i am just going to end it and kick him out cause he doesn't have anywhere to go and his car is about to blow up. he says i am being selfish because i am doing this and acting like this. then he said he would go to counseling to tell them what a psycho i am and who self centered i am.

 

i guess i am just looking out for myself. but thinking of being by yourself really sucks - i know i will find things to occupy my time and i probably need that . i guess i should have not dated at all until my divorce was final that would have given me the time to grow that i guess i need.

 

i kept trying to leave to go to work and he kept saying stay and talk. he kept saying that i should stay with him today because he didn't want to be alone (he said he wasn't going to hurt himself though) and we could do something fun as friends. but yet the other day he said that he was going to forgot about me like a bad dream and never talk to me again. i just don't get it.

 

he said i should stay by him because he is going through a rough time (trying to get visitation with his girls) - but he hasn't talked hardly about any of that so i didn't know what was going on. and he said he has resentment for me because i wasn't doing anything for him and he was doing all this stuff for me.

 

i called my parents to let them know what was going on and to be on alert. and they are helping me through this also.

 

i am in my early 30s as well and can't believe i've been divorced once and now ending a relationship like this.

 

i think i am going to turn into a nun.

[FreeMe]

You're doing the right thing. Don't let him change your mind again. You know it will just keep happening over and over again.

 

As far as you kicking him out with no place to go is concerned - he's an adult. He can take care of himself. You're not his mother. Personally, I would have too much pride to even say such a ridiculous thing. Don't fall for that kind of manipulation. You're not responsible for his well being and welfare just because you were involved with him.

[oneday]

but why does the right thing have to hurt so bad.

 

i know i went through that cycle with my ex - things would change for the better for a little while - then go right back to how they were - we'd talk about separating and then go back to changing for a little while. finally i told him i had to leave.

 

but in this case i had to tell my b/f to leave my place. i think that is harder then being the one leaving.

 

pain, pain, pain - when will it go away - but then i think it hasn't even started. he should be out by the time i get home from work.

[FreeMe]

I know it's hard. I came really close to breaking up with my boyfriend yesterday and he lives with me in my house. It would actually be easier if he did something terrible. Then I wouldn't have such a problem with breaking up.

 

Just think, if you got through your marriage breaking up and your divorce, you can certainly get through this. Hang in there!

[oneday]

i am on the phone with him now. he wants to work on it - can't see in giving up on us. leeps asking if i want to work it out. if i really loved him i'd want to work it out too.

 

what do i say?

[FreeMe]

If you loved me, you would do...whatever is emotional blackmail. You could easily say if he loved you he wouldn't yell at you like a nut

[oneday]

i did say that and he said that he yelled because he was angry but now he'll go to counseling. help!!!

[oneday]

well i did it. we are done. i feel better. but my heart is broken. i have to change the locks because he wouldn't give the key back because he has stuff to get off - that's ok because i am going to change the locks tonight. where do i go from here......life seems empty now.

[FreeMe]

Take a deep breath and enjoy being able to do whatever you want in your own house without getting yelled at. My ex was a control freak. I didn't feel comfortable doing anything with him around. Once time he was making a big pot of soup and I was stirring it. He watched over me and told me that I was holding the spoon wrong, then to make sure I got the bottom of the pot, then told me that I put the spoon down on the spoon rest the wrong way. Then he stirred it over again himself anyway. GRRRRR! After he wasn't around anymore I enjoyed everything I did because I didn't have someone there who was going to criticize or scream at me for any slight move I made that they didn't like. Being alone was so peaceful without him.

[oneday]

i am starting to feel lighter and better. it's just gonna take some healing i know. now i can do yoga in my living room again and won't have to smell cig smoke, i can stretch out on the sofa and if the place is messy - i know how did it :-) i'll get through it i know - i just really thought we had something there... and so did he - but i just can be in a relationship thinking is he going to call me those names again or yell. even if he said he wasn't going to. better to be safe then sorry.

[shamen]

He told you that you both should go to counseling together to tell the psychologist or whomever that you're a psycho. Try to remember that when he tells you that you two should stay together. He didn't want to go to counseling earlier for the things that he says to you.

 

You can do it! Sounds like you've got parents to lean on too. You can also call your friends to help you out this evening if you need to get away or if you want someone there at your apartment. Don't forget to change the lock (somehow I missed the last page of posts, sorry!) tonight! It will make you feel a whole lot more comfortable knowing that he can't get into YOUR apartment.