Red flag in dating? Men with women roommates.

[authoress1]

I am out of the relationship now, but keep wondering--should this one item have been a huge red flag to me??

 

I was online dating with a guy from the city. I've been raised in small towns, and he was telling me that all the roommates he had while living where he was were women. I am kinda old-fashioned about that(yes, it's the "small-towner", no doubt, but also a personal comfort level. I know it's common, but I just wondered about his motives.) I asked if he had ever had relationships with these women, and he told me no. He claimed to be respectful, and he was with me, mostly.

 

When I asked him why only women, he said all the guys who had applied to be his roommate were either gay or immature. He said it would bother him if a gay guy roommate brought another guy home. I could understand that, but what about house rules, if he was the main renter??

 

He also said that his current roommate was a lesbian.

 

Of course, I am not dating him now, but just trying to understand, for future relationship reference. If I made a mistake by ignoring something that might have tipped me off about his motives/attitude/etc I need to not make the same one in the next relationship. Thoughts, please?

[collegeguy_24]

For future reference, since I'm assuming thats what your asking for, I would say it depends on if he had relationships with his female roommates, or if he slept with them. Either one would be a red flag.

 

As for general purposes, then i say no.

 

Where I live cost of living is high, and me and a female friend of mine were thinking of getting a place together so we can share rent and move out of our parents house.

 

Now I am in a relationship, and this female friend I have known for 3 years, my current GF has actually known this friend for longer as well.

 

Also this female friend in in a LDR and has been for 3-4 years. She is very loyal to him and loves him.

 

SO in my case its acceptable.

 

I think it all depends on the relationship between a man and his roommates is what matters. If he has ever dated them or slept with them in the past then that is a red flag.

 

My case is not a red flag. See the difference?

[vsmini]

I think it's only a red flag if they have slept with or had a relationship with them in the past. If you notice odd or flirtatious behavior - that is obviously a deal breaker as well.

 

Some guys prefer female roommates because they may be friends with them or some guys may not have a choice in high rent cities and need to take the first apartment that fits their budget and is available.

[authoress1]

Thanks! Appreciate the input. He seemed nice at that time, I never got to meet the roommate, but it sounded like he didn't get along with her at times.

 

Of course that could be in any rooming situation!!

Edited May 25, 2011 by authoress1

[creighton0123]

imo, the more significant red flag for me would be his turning away potential male roommates based on sexual orientation. It exhibits a significantly narrow world view.

 

In most cities, actually, it's illegal in housing situations to deny rental based on sexual orientation. Most cities only contain a gender exception.

 

Meh. Might just be prejudice in my mind after having encountered straight man after straight man who assumes that because I'm gay, I must find him sexually attractive ;-)

 

On topic: no red flag. Roommates are roommates.

[collegeguy_24]

imo, the more significant red flag for me would be his turning away potential male roommates based on sexual orientation. It exhibits a significantly narrow world view.

 

In most cities, actually, it's illegal in housing situations to deny rental based on sexual orientation. Most cities only contain a gender exception.

 

Meh. Might just be prejudice in my mind after having encountered straight man after straight man who assumes that because I'm gay, I must find him sexually attractive ;-)

 

On topic: no red flag. Roommates are roommates.

 

I do agree it exhibits a narrow world view as some people are just not as accepting as others.

 

But in regards to deny housing in rental situations, I think that is only for the people who own the building. If someone rents an apartment, and they are looking for roommates, then legally I think they can pick and choose based on sexual orientation. I mean they are already paying the rent, and they have to live with the people who share the rent in the same apartment so they can pick and choose since the its already being paid for. THats why most people try to pick friends instead.

 

But if the owner of the whole building denies someone who is gay the right to rent an apartment inside the building based on the fact that they are gay then they can sue.

 

I have nothing against gay people, I'm just stating what I knew about it legally.

[Stung]

I do agree it exhibits a narrow world view as some people are just not as accepting as others.

 

But in regards to deny housing in rental situations, I think that is only for the people who own the building.

 

I admit I haven't looked into it extensively, but as a landlord in an area with a pretty high gay population, that is my understanding of the legality as well.

 

I have roomed with both men and women, gay and straight and somewhere in-between. Only once was rooming with a straight man a problem, he asked me out and started leaving weird notes around and going into my room when I wasn't there, it was very creepy. Most of the time the only troublesom thing about having male roommates was that the majority were gross slobs in the bathroom, and I'm not anything close to being a neatfreak. It was good training for living with my husband in that regard, I suppose.

 

If it were me, I'd've asked him more about the specifics of his discrimination, to get a clearer picture. Did he not like living with gay men because he was actually uncomfortable with or disdainful of gay people in general, or would he just have been a little weirded out listening to them having sex through thin apt. walls? Some degree of that might be understandable, I wouldn't consider that a hanging offense anyway--although it's not ideal tolerance levels, I understand that not everyone is comfortable with everything and I don't believe in pushing people to invite uncomfortable situations into their personal living space in the name of being PC. But I would have asked about that because I DO consider homophobia a big red flag, maybe it's not that important to you. And as to the female roommates, specific information is required there, too. If he's not flirtatious with her, if they've never been in a relationship, if they have normal roommate dynamics--no big deal, IMO.

 

I have also known straight males who preferred rooming with women because they said they were usually cleaner and quieter and less apt to eat everybody else's food, which might be part of what he meant by 'more mature.'

[creighton0123]

I do agree it exhibits a narrow world view as some people are just not as accepting as others.

 

But in regards to deny housing in rental situations, I think that is only for the people who own the building. If someone rents an apartment, and they are looking for roommates, then legally I think they can pick and choose based on sexual orientation. I mean they are already paying the rent, and they have to live with the people who share the rent in the same apartment so they can pick and choose since the its already being paid for. THats why most people try to pick friends instead.

 

But if the owner of the whole building denies someone who is gay the right to rent an apartment inside the building based on the fact that they are gay then they can sue.

 

I have nothing against gay people, I'm just stating what I knew about it legally.

 

That might not be the case depending on local law. Even tenancy at will situations in some states (NY and MA, I believe) still forbid discrimination based on a number of factors.

 

I digress.

 

I'm a gay man and have learned that I much prefer living with other men as opposed to women. Then again, the women I have lived with have genuinely been very flaky on their ability to pay rent. Doesn't mean I'm shacking up with the men I'm living with in lieu of my boyfriend.

[D-Lish]

I've had several male room mates over the years- and they make better house mates than females! I've never slept with any of them, and I don't see it as a red flag at all.

 

I have a male room mate right now- and we get along really well. His gf doesn't like the fact that he has a female room mate though...

Edited May 25, 2011 by D-Lish

[taiko]

I had a female roomate before I got married so it wasn't a red flag for my wife. A yellow flag, sure I am fine with that. Considering our courtship it was good for that flag to come up to give pause before our commitment.

[Engadget]

imo, the more significant red flag for me would be his turning away potential male roommates based on sexual orientation. It exhibits a significantly narrow world view.

 

In most cities, actually, it's illegal in housing situations to deny rental based on sexual orientation. Most cities only contain a gender exception.

 

Meh. Might just be prejudice in my mind after having encountered straight man after straight man who assumes that because I'm gay, I must find him sexually attractive ;-)

 

On topic: no red flag. Roommates are roommates.

 

I can tell you why I could never live with a gay man on certain occassions. The stereotypical gay man neurosis that SOME exhibit would be worse than anything. The being able to see a speck of dirt and freak out type of thing.

 

Plus, any person can deny someone like that and simply just say it's not a good fit if he's not the landlord.

[mickleb]

imo, the more significant red flag for me would be his turning away potential male roommates based on sexual orientation. It exhibits a significantly narrow world view.

 

In most cities, actually, it's illegal in housing situations to deny rental based on sexual orientation. Most cities only contain a gender exception.

 

Meh. Might just be prejudice in my mind after having encountered straight man after straight man who assumes that because I'm gay, I must find him sexually attractive ;-)

 

On topic: no red flag. Roommates are roommates.

 

Agreed.

 

The fact he was happy to rent to a lesbian just made me laugh!

 

I've got to admit, though, we're all judgemental: the level of respect I have for anyone, if they expressed his kinds of views, would drop in an instant.

 

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