Aftermath of finally being open and honest

[frozensprouts]

I do't mean to be rude or aything, but you really seem to be holding on to feelings for someone from a long time ago. \it also sounds as if you have built up a kind of "rose colored memory" around her and your time with her. Is it possible that you may be, and probably without realizing it, unfairly comparing the feelings you have for your wife with the feelings you had/have for the woman from your past? The relationship with this other woman never really came to fulfillment, which may be part of the reason it has attained such a "glow" in your mind- I wonder if, should it have been her you ended up with, if, after 20 years with her you would have felt the same way as you do about your wife?

 

from my own experience, "real love' isn't the' candy floss sugar sweet' stuff of an new relationship. It is the bond between two people who have been together a long time and gone through a lot together- kind of like comparing a piece of costume jewelry to a diamond. both sparkle, but the diamond has the true value and will last.

 

One thing to note: it sounds as if, even before you were married, your wife has the attitudes she has now about sex, etc. You knew that at the time, and you made your choice. what you did isn't wrong or bad, but please don't hold that against your wife today 9 not saying you are, just hoping you don't)

[betterdeal]

Yes, no-one can compete with a ghost.

[scaredandalone1223]

Continue counselling!!

 

I was in a somewhat similar situation and I can say you can find true love in your marriage.

 

My husband and I dated off and on for about a year when I found out I was pregnant. I was his first and we were both your (19). We married when our oldest son was 3 months old. We told ourselves we were waiting until after he was born so we wouldn't have the just marrying because of pregnancy resentment...that didn't work out as well as we thought!

 

My husband always provided for us and worked hardfor us to have a good life. He worked swing shift and midnights for 7 years though and for anyone who has ever gone through this it is NOT easy on a new marriage, new family.

 

Fast forward to 9th year of marriage. We started counseling. It was actually my husband was going to go for IC non related to the marriage, then I decided to go when a friend passed away and then we kind of took the step into MC. Our bond got stronger, MUCH stronger.

 

I never questioned whether I loved my husband, I knew I loved him, but I didn't know if it was the right kind of love. I felt I had been cheated out of my butteries and that somehow I deserved this great whirlwind romance to a happily ever after. Since my husband was always my best friend and we communicated about everything he always knew I had these feelings.

 

In 2010 we hit some major rough spots and I finally said I can not do this anymore. You can read my previous posts about that part. It was never that I didn't love my husband I just did somehow think the grass could be greener so we separated...my decision.

 

Sadly it took that to make me realize how much I di love my husband. We went back into MC, he moved home and we worked on our marriage. It was hard but the benefits have been unbelievable!!

 

I finally got my butterflies and they were for my husband of 13 years. I realized love isn't this grand thing they portray on a movie screen of falling head over heels and riding into the sunset. It is the years you spend building a life, a bond, a friendship. Being there through the good and the bad, staying together when things look bleak. Holding the other partner up at times they feel like falling. We had done all these things. We had been each others rock for so long. I saw in this that THIS WAS WHAT LOVE IS....TRUE LOVE!!! I come to realize, while the way we got together was far from ideal that we were very much one, we had built a bond over those 13 years that even when I thought I wanted to break it I could not.

 

Fortunately we both have extremely strong values so cheating was never an option for either one of us and in today's world finding someone you can trust...REALLY TRUST is worth more than all the money in the world.

 

It's been almost a year from the first time my husband left for a week, then again in Oct. for a month and I can say without hesitation that I love my husband more than anything and am 100% IN LOVE with my husband. Truth be told it was there all along. Looking back now I see things a bit differently and know that the storms we weathered made us who we are today and if it weren't for us having each other over those 13 years we may not have weathered those storms. That is love!

 

In conclusion, I now have the butterflies, I've fallen in love with my husband all over again and it feels better than anything I could have ever hoped for. It wasn't the way I had imagined in my head. It wasn't that of a young carefree love but a true, time tested, STRONG LOVE. I almost threw all that away to chase some dream that I would have never been able to catch and I thank God everyday I didn't blow it!!

 

So please continue counseling. Work on your issues, that is VERY important. Share your feelings with your wife in MC. In the end you may find you already have exactly what you're longing for already!

[lovely81]

I think you have a mature understanding of the situation and leaving it sounds like the right thing. Your wife probably has similar discontentment about the relationship though it may be still buried while yours as come to the surface. If you do not feel all you should toward her, there is someone out there who will--or circumstances out there that will make her happier--so I wouldn't get weighed down by guilt about the whole thing. I do think people can tell when the "love" is not there, even if they are desperately pretending it is. I commend you for working through these things and being honest...you sound very clear now which probably means there were some struggles to get to that place.

[OldOnTheInside]

Coming out of lurkdom here to say, I think the replies to the OP are unfair. He made a mistake. He was young. We all do things sometimes without fully thinking through to the end. Marriage is complicated and we get married sometimes for the wrong reasons. I can relate OP. I am in the same boat and I am going to get divorced.

Agreed, we all make mistakes. Some mistakes just so happen to eff up a lot of other people's lives. "Oopsies" doesn't cut it.

 

The OP is an adult. He doesn't need to be candy flossed from the "mean judgemental posters" who are no doubt "seething with inner-rage".

 

Is there any chance you're doing important research?

Ta.