What to do?

[NativeDream]

I have been with my husband for 12 years now

 

and as time has gone on, he has changed drastically towards me.

 

Though he acknowledges that I am in the room,

 

it is as if the spark he had for me is gone

 

and he never talks to me about how I am or

 

just normal talking.

 

I understand that having a new and demanding job after leaving the military is not easy to get use to, and I have like mad tried to understand, by I have just let it all go by for around the last 2 years in the hope that he will adjust and that it is just a trying time for him.

 

Six months ago, I discovered he got us into deep debt (I am disabled) and that we hardly

 

could pay our bills or get essentials for

 

our child.

 

When I discovered this a row insued and then

 

we sat down to work everything through so we

 

could set ourselves a ceiling on the spending

 

so the bills are paid.

 

I discovered at the beginning of this month

 

that he has been lieing to our creditors and

 

that they would not operate with him anymore.

 

I am now running our sole finances and though

 

it is stressful (I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) it has to be done or we will loose

 

our home and the contents as well.

 

I was understand when I discovered this, and

 

even understanding during these last 6 months

 

that the stress of his job and the money situation, might be lowering his self-esteem

 

therefore I am not the person he would really

 

feel able to cuddle up to, as he feels

 

he has let me down in all avenues.

 

I did at first think his lack of attention to

 

me in the romantic sense and sexual sense was

 

due to an affair, and even got a really good

 

friend to follow him, but he wasn't.

 

Now most would think I was relieved, and I was, but he still only thinks of his own matters and not us as a family, in particular

 

myself.

 

Is this normal for a man of 32 years of age,

 

with a high profile, somewhat dangerous job

 

(policeman)?

 

I have tried for the last 6 months to tell him via talks, letters.. you name it, what I wish to have, but he listens, acts it out then keeps only to his promises for 2 weeks.

 

Then the cycle starts again.

 

I feel as if I am in a dryer waiting for the

 

cycle to end, yet it never does.

 

I am beside myself, cause I am a really passionate person, who likes to share and who

 

also likes to have the person I am with really be in to me ( I hope that makes sense).

 

I have been married twice before, and this

 

marriage is the one. I feel it in my soul

 

and that is why I work so hard for this marriage to ensure that it works and that

 

my child has a mother and father who are

 

together, in love and happy.

 

But the dream is not there and has not been

 

for close to 2 years and it is getting worse

 

every week. I feel as if I am the glue that

 

holds us together, with the amount of effort

 

I make.

 

But I find that, I spend most of my time, sorting my own feelings out, picking myself up and hugging a teddy bear when he just sits

 

silently and stares at the floor after an arguement; that he caused, that has made me break down in tears.

 

I feel as if I am watching my marriage drown and am thinking I might be best off stopping

 

the dream and realising that he and I might

 

not be the soul mates I thought we were, and

 

that I am better off alone.

 

I do not really want this, but I am so unhappy that I weep alot, and end up feeling

 

desolute and unable to think of a nice

 

Christmas much less cast my mind to the New

 

Year and what that might hold for me.

 

I feel as if I should ask him to go, as

 

we tried counselling and it did not work.

 

He instead of putting my feelings into a box

 

and understanding what I feel and need, has

 

put the boxes to the back of the closet and

 

only takes them out when I mention that hey

 

what is wrong....blah, blah, blah.

 

Any ideas, advice?

[Christie]

I'm sorry but I have to say that it seems that you have a lot of problems yourself, not your husband. If this is your 3rd marriage and your only 32 yet, wouldn't it be wise to reconsider "your" issues? Fights are not necessarily caused just by one side...but yet you wrote that your husband causes all the problems that occur in your life. Well, it seems like either you have a horrible man or you're just a self-pitying selfish wreck. I think you need serious counseling. If your husband doesn't want to, at least you can get it yourself.

I have been with my husband for 12 years now and as time has gone on, he has changed drastically towards me. Though he acknowledges that I am in the room, it is as if the spark he had for me is gone and he never talks to me about how I am or just normal talking. I understand that having a new and demanding job after leaving the military is not easy to get use to, and I have like mad tried to understand, by I have just let it all go by for around the last 2 years in the hope that he will adjust and that it is just a trying time for him. Six months ago, I discovered he got us into deep debt (I am disabled) and that we hardly could pay our bills or get essentials for our child. When I discovered this a row insued and then we sat down to work everything through so we could set ourselves a ceiling on the spending so the bills are paid. I discovered at the beginning of this month that he has been lieing to our creditors and that they would not operate with him anymore. I am now running our sole finances and though it is stressful (I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) it has to be done or we will loose our home and the contents as well. I was understand when I discovered this, and even understanding during these last 6 months that the stress of his job and the money situation, might be lowering his self-esteem therefore I am not the person he would really feel able to cuddle up to, as he feels he has let me down in all avenues. I did at first think his lack of attention to me in the romantic sense and sexual sense was due to an affair, and even got a really good friend to follow him, but he wasn't. Now most would think I was relieved, and I was, but he still only thinks of his own matters and not us as a family, in particular

 

myself. Is this normal for a man of 32 years of age, with a high profile, somewhat dangerous job (policeman)? I have tried for the last 6 months to tell him via talks, letters.. you name it, what I wish to have, but he listens, acts it out then keeps only to his promises for 2 weeks. Then the cycle starts again.

 

I feel as if I am in a dryer waiting for the cycle to end, yet it never does. I am beside myself, cause I am a really passionate person, who likes to share and who also likes to have the person I am with really be in to me ( I hope that makes sense). I have been married twice before, and this marriage is the one. I feel it in my soul and that is why I work so hard for this marriage to ensure that it works and that my child has a mother and father who are together, in love and happy.

 

But the dream is not there and has not been for close to 2 years and it is getting worse every week. I feel as if I am the glue that holds us together, with the amount of effort I make. But I find that, I spend most of my time, sorting my own feelings out, picking myself up and hugging a teddy bear when he just sits

 

silently and stares at the floor after an arguement; that he caused, that has made me break down in tears. I feel as if I am watching my marriage drown and am thinking I might be best off stopping the dream and realising that he and I might not be the soul mates I thought we were, and that I am better off alone.

 

I do not really want this, but I am so unhappy that I weep alot, and end up feeling desolute and unable to think of a nice Christmas much less cast my mind to the New Year and what that might hold for me. I feel as if I should ask him to go, as we tried counselling and it did not work. He instead of putting my feelings into a box and understanding what I feel and need, has put the boxes to the back of the closet and only takes them out when I mention that hey what is wrong....blah, blah, blah. Any ideas, advice?

[Phil]

I can understand how you must feel, acting like the glue that holds you two together. Although I've never experienced it first hand, I'm only 18, I see it other couples sometimes and it hurts me just to see it. One person being so nice, the other seeming not to care. When someone is very caring and romantic and the other just very functional in what they think they should bring to the relationship, like it's a job to them and not the best thing they have in their life. But if your husband has got into debt, it doesn't appear that he's even playing a functonal role. Maybe the physical attention he gave you initially was just driven by lust, and not real tender loving care and the desire to make you happy, and this lust has worn off because he's the type of guy that gets bored with one person. He might be not a very emotional person, and not very concerned with feelings but facts, you know the type I mean? The kind of person who is more concerned with how expensive their Christmas present is rather than the message in the card. Someone who doesn't really value love, affection, care and kindness in their true form, but what those things bring to them. I say this because I think he's not a very emotional guy, by his actions, and because he was in the military then the police. My Dad was the same, and I know he could only take those jobs because he's not a very emotional person either. Your husband seems to be getting all the love he could from you by your efforts, so surely it's something else that he thinks is missing from the relationship. Maybe he's not the right guy for you after all, he's looking for different things perhaps. That's what I think. I think you should give him a firm ultimatum that you will end the relationship if he's anything less than 100% sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If he's sure, question him why so you can better understand him and work out whether the way he is acting is only temporarilly. Ask him what he likes so much. Or, if he's not sure that he wants you, I don't think he can be your soulmate.

 

I wish you the best,

 

Phil.