Arrangrl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I have asked my MM to decide what he is intending to do, either stay married, or seperate from his wife. The time frame is up this weekend. If he says he can't leave, then it's over. Arran Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 He's so easy for him to say "Yes, I'm leaving.." and then not follow through with actions. What's your plan if he says he's leaving? How long will you "wait" for him to actually move out and legally get divorced? Be prepared for some manipulation and desparation words from him, to try to convince you to stick around longer. Also, you are ready to follow through on what you said? End the A, go NC and walk away? Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I have asked my MM to decide what he is intending to do, either stay married, or seperate from his wife. The time frame is up this weekend. If he says he can't leave, then it's over. Arran This is difficult. My bf was adamant he was leaving. Adamant. Jeez, we had tears at the prospect of not being together. Not at the prospect of not seeing each other again, he didn't want to keep the affair going, he wanted to be a proper couple. It took (what felt like) ages. He never intended to hurt me, or his wife, and managed to do both. It's a really difficult position to be in. We broke up. Permanently. Yet it turned out not to be permanent and I am LOVING our relationship. He needed time and space, and to suffer, quite frankly!! He needed to think of all manner of things, can't convey it here. But we got there. It was much harder than I hoped, but so far has all been worthwhile. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 Hi there Thanks for the replies. I have no idea what sort of time frame to give him re actually leaving( if thats what the decision is) Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 This is difficult. My bf was adamant he was leaving. Adamant. Jeez, we had tears at the prospect of not being together. Not at the prospect of not seeing each other again, he didn't want to keep the affair going, he wanted to be a proper couple. It took (what felt like) ages. He never intended to hurt me, or his wife, and managed to do both. It's a really difficult position to be in. We broke up. Permanently. Yet it turned out not to be permanent and I am LOVING our relationship. He needed time and space, and to suffer, quite frankly!! He needed to think of all manner of things, can't convey it here. But we got there. It was much harder than I hoped, but so far has all been worthwhile. Good luck. And of course it would be difficult given the circumstances, but anything worth having is worth the difficulty, right? That's why I don't understand allowing the cheater to continue the A for years and years and, while the OW/OM is complaining to their "special friends" in secret about how they wish their AP would leave the M, they pretend they're all good with it on public forums. Let it all out, I say! Get good and PO'd and MAKE something happen. Whether it's the A ending, a full time R beginning, or the OW/OM to be able to get on with their life and find someone full time who they don't have to share. OP, good for you for taking a stand. You are apparently NOT happy continuing to be the OW forever, so you are doing the right thing - FOR YOUR LIFE! Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I have asked my MM to decide what he is intending to do, either stay married, or seperate from his wife. The time frame is up this weekend. If he says he can't leave, then it's over. Arran betya he'll stay married... Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Hi there Thanks for the replies. I have no idea what sort of time frame to give him re actually leaving( if thats what the decision is) Depends. I tend to think it's like pulling a sticking plaster off. You really need to just get the hell on with it. To minimise the psychological apprehension and the outright pain. Once the decision is made that's it. But I think I'm idealistic Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 betya he'll stay married... But at least she'll know where she stands. Link to post Share on other sites
Lost00 Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 But at least she'll know where she stands. I agree with SG that knowing where you stand is much better than being stuck in limbo, which I've experienced/experiencing. It's torture. I wish I was strong enough to have done the same thing you are planning to do, instead of it being forced upon due to multiple D-days. I've heard from my MW's mouth that she wants to be with me forever, but she's also expressed she needs to work on her marriage. Emotions can cloud everything.. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I made a LOT of noise. I know.... hard to believe... Link to post Share on other sites
waytogo Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Separating is still staying married. Exactly what I was thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I've said it before and will say it again. If an AP stays in the A and doesn't make waves or demand change, change isn't likely to happen. This is the MP's life. Their spouse, their kids, their finances, their home, their social life, their extended family, etc ad naseum (whatever it is that keeps them there, even if it's simply the routine and familiar). What is their motivation for doing anything different, splitting up time with the kids, selling the house, dividing assets, if there is no reason to do so? If the AP continues to fulfill whatever it is that the MP thinks they need, they do not have to do anything different. They are getting what they want. At least enough to keep tolerating life as it is without making difficult choices and without LOSING ANYTHING! And that's not even getting into guilt and sense of duty and fear. There's a lot going against a MP leaving the family unit. But it can happen. I just don't think it happens while the AP patiently waits in the wings. If you want change, you have to make change. The trick is to let go of your own fear that the choice the MP will make won't include you. It's a very real possibility (more like a probability from what I've seen) but it sure beats living with wanting something you can't have. Believe me when I say that there are plenty of people out there willing to give you what you want. You just have to be open to them. I dont mean to hijack anyone's thread but this really spoke to me. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I dont mean to hijack anyone's thread but this really spoke to me. Thanks I agree. SIT's post are top quality. Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Why the ultimatum now? How long have you two been together? How long has he been married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted May 25, 2011 Author Share Posted May 25, 2011 Hello again I have been with him for 16mnths, he has been married for 30 years. Odds are not good I agree, at least I will know where I stand. I have been seperated from my husband for nearly two years, legally we are still married, he has now met someone else and is very happy, we shall divorce soon, in no way do I consider myself his wife anymore. Arran Link to post Share on other sites
mitchell Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 He's been married for 30 years and has only known you for a little over one year. How long have you two been sleeping together? I still don't see the rush for the ultimatum. Get to know him better. Learn his wonderful qualities that make you want to be with him. Let him get to know you better as well. This could take a few years if you really want to be with him. He's not going to leave his wife after knowing you for such a short time. Be patient. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyinlimbo Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 He's been married for 30 years and has only known you for a little over one year. How long have you two been sleeping together? I still don't see the rush for the ultimatum. Get to know him better. Learn his wonderful qualities that make you want to be with him. Let him get to know you better as well. This could take a few years if you really want to be with him. He's not going to leave his wife after knowing you for such a short time. Be patient. Yes, she should just continue on on the affair with him. Get to know him better, as you suggest. Just be patient, even if it takes years more of her being the secret mistress. Yeah. Okay. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 30 years versus 1 year 4 months.... Mmmmmmm.... Um... Are you planning on marrying him? Is he planning on marrying you? Ok... honestly I don't get it. Yeah I don't get it.... You want to feel validated so he has to leave his wife. That you are more than just choochie in his life? Someone please explain.... Any insight. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 I have asked my MM to decide what he is intending to do, either stay married, or seperate from his wife. The time frame is up this weekend. If he says he can't leave, then it's over. Arran Good for you. I've been having a hard day & this makes me feel happy. Thanks for sharing. I don't know you but I'm proud of you. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 30 years versus 1 year 4 months.... Mmmmmmm.... Um... Are you planning on marrying him? Is he planning on marrying you? Ok... honestly I don't get it. Yeah I don't get it.... You want to feel validated so he has to leave his wife. That you are more than just choochie in his life? Someone please explain.... Any insight. Ok, I'll take a stab. I assume they are in love. And that she is not happy being the OW. So she can walk or she can stay but before she walks she wants to give him the chance to be with her if it's what he wants. Makes perfect sense to me. Link to post Share on other sites
TurboGirl Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 30 years, huh? Doubtful that he will leave the W. Geez its been 16 months... why are you allowing the MM to make the decision... you are placing it all in his hands. If you end it with him, because of the fact that he is still married, then you are in charge. Difficult, I know. Keep us posted. Things have a way of working out exactly how they are supposed to in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Emme Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Ok, I'll take a stab. I assume they are in love. And that she is not happy being the OW. So she can walk or she can stay but before she walks she wants to give him the chance to be with her if it's what he wants. Makes perfect sense to me. Um.... ok.... I see the words but it still makes no sense to me. How does she even know she won't be sick of his ass at the 2 year mark. Men get on my nerves after a while. Go sit somewhere else. :laugh:I'm really trying to get why this is mandatory. I hope she's not trying to keep up the same game as her ex-husband. He's got someone new so she has to have someone new as well ASAP. All I can say OP is be careful what you wish for. Link to post Share on other sites
Mimolicious Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 30 yrs? There goes the pension... What baffles me, how someone intercepts another person's life and demands. Like, really?! It's as simple as not getting involved and finding someone that you don't have to demand, because you are their priority. It is not that hard... Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 Um.... ok.... I see the words but it still makes no sense to me. How does she even know she won't be sick of his ass at the 2 year mark. Men get on my nerves after a while. Go sit somewhere else. :laugh:I'm really trying to get why this is mandatory. I hope she's not trying to keep up the same game as her ex-husband. He's got someone new so she has to have someone new as well ASAP. All I can say OP is be careful what you wish for. Well you never know how a relationship will turn out until you actually have the chance to be in it. It seems to me she either wants the chance for a real relationship with him, or she wants to move on without him. I'm sure she loves him & thinks it could work & haven't seen evidence of her playing games. I don't know her backstory or anything about an ex_husband but I have seen posts from OW who are playing games & liking the drama etc. & so far I haven't seen that from Arran so I'm not sure why you are poo-pooing her & acting like her relationship is doomed from the start? I guess I'm just confused. Link to post Share on other sites
26pointblue Posted May 25, 2011 Share Posted May 25, 2011 30 yrs? There goes the pension... What baffles me, how someone intercepts another person's life and demands. Like, really?! It's as simple as not getting involved and finding someone that you don't have to demand, because you are their priority. It is not that hard... I understand what you mean but in some situations, & I guess I'm projecting here, the MM says, I love you, I want to be with you, I am unhappily married. So then it makes sense to say, okay, put your money where your mouth is. Less talkie talkie & more walkie walkie. Yeah it wasn't an ideal circumstance to begin with but if he is saying he's in love & wants to leave, then to me it isn't wrong to ask for you what you want which is action. Link to post Share on other sites
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