Spoken to MM and set a date for a decision

[26pointblue]

I hear what you are saying but I don't need him to do 1, 2 or 4. 3 would be nice and If I really need that I think he would make it happen.

 

I think I like the part-timeness of the whole thing. (that's the problem)

I'm a tad bit of a commit-phobe so for me this is usually enough. I'm not even sure I want a man 100% right now. So for the most part I am comfortable with where it's at so that makes it even harder to think of giving him up. Especially when I am getting what I want out of it as well. I:o

 

I'm really glad you're listening to what I said - I am really trying to help you avoid a big crash.

 

Okay so you say it would be nice if he could hold you after a bad day at work & comfort you, & that if you really needed that he would make it happen. This is where it starts. You don't plan to need this MM full-time, you think you're happy with being part-time or just emotional etc., but then your heart wants more & more. And in the end he can't give you all of him. And as WWIU pointed out, you might not ever truly want him, you just like the illusion of it all & the excitement, but other people, including his wife & even MM, can end up getting hurt because of this chaos.

 

I have been a commitment phobe too but being with an MM is not the cure. The cure is to figure out why you're afraid of commitment & to realize you do deserve a full relationship - or any kind of relationship you want - with a single guy who isn't committed to another woman. The key is with you, not with MM.

[waytogo]

I'm really glad you're listening to what I said - I am really trying to help you avoid a big crash.

 

Okay so you say it would be nice if he could hold you after a bad day at work & comfort you, & that if you really needed that he would make it happen. This is where it starts. You don't plan to need this MM full-time, you think you're happy with being part-time or just emotional etc., but then your heart wants more & more. And in the end he can't give you all of him. And as WWIU pointed out, you might not ever truly want him, you just like the illusion of it all & the excitement, but other people, including his wife & even MM, can end up getting hurt because of this chaos.

 

I have been a commitment phobe too but being with an MM is not the cure. The cure is to figure out why you're afraid of commitment & to realize you do deserve a full relationship - or any kind of relationship you want - with a single guy who isn't committed to another woman. The key is with you, not with MM.

 

Now that's just true. Every bit of it. I had some thoughts of 'can't give myself completely...' Those thoughts are as valuable as 'for the children', 'financial this'. Here's a quote for you, "When a man wants to do something, he does it; when he doesn't want to do it, he makes excuses."

 

Is he making excuses?

[Bluebelle38]

So, all he has to say is I am leaving her. Is he actually going to tell her that or are you going to allow him to still see you while he drags it out for weeks working out how to do it?

 

Doesn't sound like much of an ultimatum to me.

 

He has been seeing you over a year, he knows whether he wants to grow

old(er) with you or not at this point. Accepting anything less than him telling her this week and moving out now is nothing.

[waytogo]

For the record, he is not drinking much any.ore (twice a week).. It was probably a little low point in his life and now he has it under control....

I hope he continues on the right path. I also think it is you who is drinking, as you know all about the consumption and you are defending it. You are trying to defend the 'impossible to defend'. There is nothing attractive about your situation. Yet you brag about it like it's something anyone would want. Why?

[waytogo]

I usually have drinks twice a week as well. Only on the weekends when I am working. Me might have took a cue from me because, I explained that I will only be drinking twice a week when I start my internship. (seems like he has followed along nicely )

 

I have my life in control and am very happy and optimistic about my future as a whole.. that is what is so attractive !! MM situation might not be so ideal but I am 100% happy that I met him and still excited about our journey even if it ends in some heartbreak !!

 

And your story keeps changing, as you can find no supporters for your story in it's original form. There's nothing to support. It is the most rediculous place for anyone to place emotional energy as I have ever seen/read.

 

I am sorry for whatever went so wrong for you along your path in life that this situation would thrill you. It is so sad and infuriating at the same time you actually 'glee' to post about it. It's the most lot of nothing I could imagine.

[26pointblue]

vweb he is probably lying to you about his drinking habits changing just like he's lying about a lot of other things to you & his wife. You're not there to observe him so you would really have no idea. Just sayin'.

[thissecretgirl]

Thinking of you Arrangrl. Hope things are ok.

[fooled once]

I admit to reading the first few pages and then skipping to the end, so if I've missed something relevent, I apologize.

 

With that said, I want to ask the OP...what difference does this "decision" make? What does it change???

 

I can see setting a deadline for ACTIONS. That's a catalyst for change.

 

But you haven't done that...you've just set a deadline for more words. That doesn't change ANYTHING.

 

What's to stop him from saying "I choose you!"...and then continue on for the next six months claiming he's seperating, but really changing nothing?

 

If you're going to set a deadline...set a deadline based on definable actions.

 

You have until this weekend to tell her about us and move out. Or you have until Wed to file paperwork.

 

You get the idea.

 

But setting a deadline on making a decision...that's not definable, it's not a true ACTION that you can see results of within that timeline. It changes nothing...he could SAY whatever he wants (and my money is that he's going to tell you that he loves you and will seperate to be with you...but it won't happen anytime soon), but then DO whatever he wants in whatever timeframe suits him, not you.

 

Think about it. What will be different after this weekend?

 

Great post Owl!

 

So, all he has to say is I am leaving her. Is he actually going to tell her that or are you going to allow him to still see you while he drags it out for weeks working out how to do it?

 

Doesn't sound like much of an ultimatum to me.

 

He has been seeing you over a year, he knows whether he wants to grow

old(er) with you or not at this point. Accepting anything less than him telling her this week and moving out now is nothing.

 

blue, you said exactly what I was thinking.

 

If the M M really wanted o be with the mistress, there would not be a need for a discussion about "does he want to leave". If he wanted to leave, he would - without the mistress having to tell him to, to cajole him to, to threaten if he doesn't leave, she will, etc.

 

If a man loves a woman, he would move mountains to be with her!

 

I find it pitiful that so many mistresses have to beg, plead, issue demands, etc. It is even more pitiful for the ones who wait years and years and years, and the MM is no closer to leaving than he was on the first day of the affair!

 

And I have to say again, just because a person spends "hours" on the phone with someone - that doesn't equal eternal love, soul mates, whatever. It means to me the guy is bored or lonely. Why spend all this time on the phone instead of face to face? And where are the kids of these 2 people while they spend hours on the phone? Sitting in front of a tv or with the parent who will actually acknowledge them and spend time with them?

Edited May 30, 2011 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[thissecretgirl]

And I have to say again, just because a person spends "hours" on the phone with someone - that doesn't equal eternal love, soul mates, whatever. It means to me the guy is bored or lonely. Why spend all this time on the phone instead of face to face? And where are the kids of these 2 people while they spend hours on the phone? Sitting in front of a tv or with the parent who will actually acknowledge them and spend time with them?

 

Not sure if this is in reponse to me or Vweb so I will respind anyway.

 

No but it doesnt necessary equate to eternal love/soulmates, but in my opinion it does appear to equate to an investment of sorts, communication and developing a friendship/relationship.

Unfortunately marriage doesnt always equal eternal love or soulmates, I discovered that myself; although I see now that it ending was for the best.

I agree that in part, it does mean that the guy is bored and lonely and that something is obviously missing for him from his current circumstances.

Why on the phone and not face to face? Sometimes such as in my own case now, face to face isnt an option all the time, but talking on the phone for a few hours each day more than compensates.

[TurboGirl]

How did things go this weekend?

[fooled once]

Silly,

 

Did I strike a nerve? What is the issue with me having my own opinion.? I don't post my thoughts and views for you or for your approval.

 

Why would 2 married people start screwing each other and claiming to love each other if they didn't want to go further than being a side secret mistress?

 

Why in the world do you think I am responding to you? Assumption much?

 

I wasn't the only person who brought up begging and cajoling? why didn't you feel the burning desire to call them out?

 

I pity most mistresses. The sit at home, day after day, waiting for a text, a phone call, a quick visit. Most are lonely and sad they can only speak to their "soul mate" Monday thru Friday from 9 am to 5 pm. They sit home on weekends, miserable that the MM is home with his family, spending time with his wife. Life is passing the, by.

 

Throw in a MM who proclaims the mistress is his true love, will leave his wife, etc and a mistresses spends her days, week, months, years waiting for something that most likely will never happen.

 

You may want to tell these women to "hang in there", because that is what you are choosing to do, but I hate to read about women who are letting life pass them by while waiting for a cheater to leave.

 

And for the zillionth time, no I have never been cheated on. I must have dated honorable men; men of character and decency.

 

I can't control your reaction to my posts. Maybe put me on ignore since you don't get my view? If you have questions about my life, send a pm instead of thread jacking someone's thread.

 

OP, I hope you move on from this MM. If after 16 months he can't/wont make a decision, knowing full well you want more than being a secret lover, he isn't worth your love or your heart, IMHO

[Bluebelle38]

Fooled once - 100% agree with everything you have said.

 

A good friend of mine got involved with a friend of hers who was married. Christ, she became the most miserable tight-arse in the end. Every penny she got was spent trying to make herself so desirable so he would leave his partner.

 

And guess what, after seeing each other for about 6 months the wife fell pregnant ("We only slept together the one time" Yeah, right).

 

Well ,of course she bought it, was still seeing him (it was long-distance) up until the baby was born, saw all his happy pics on facebook. Oh, they were destined to be together but he couldnt leave when she was pregnant, and then of course he couldn't leave just after the birth.

 

Roll on two years and she is still deluding herself. We fell out when I refused to listen to her pathetic justification that she felt so so sorry for the wife (yeah, well stop screwing her husband then).

 

I could not bear to hear it anymore. She justified everything in her own mind.

 

Any man that can lie to his wife can easily lie to the OW - in fact more so as she sees so much less of him.

 

After 16 months, the OP's guy does not need another weekend to decide. He's known for a good while what he won't be doing.

[Got it]

Fooled - You have a very skewed view of what being an OW entails. I promise you my affair was never as restrictive nor would I accept such pittance.

 

There are quite a few OW who get a great deal of time every day and have very committed MM.

 

I don't think we need your pity, thank you.

[Silly_Girl]

I wasn't the only person who brought up begging and cajoling? why didn't you feel the burning desire to call them out?

 

I saw 2 people say it, I responded to both.

 

 

I pity most mistresses. The sit at home, day after day, waiting for a text, a phone call, a quick visit. Most are lonely and sad they can only speak to their "soul mate" Monday thru Friday from 9 am to 5 pm. They sit home on weekends, miserable that the MM is home with his family, spending time with his wife. Life is passing the, by.

 

Yep. Heard it before. On the threads where OW answer on this subject this is rarely the consensus. It's a cliché.

 

Throw in a MM who proclaims the mistress is his true love, will leave his wife, etc and a mistresses spends her days, week, months, years waiting for something that most likely will never happen.

 

I don't get the impression that a single woman in an affair has no life because they are consumed by the love for their man. A lot of OW (on here) have jobs and careers, fulfilling social lives, and are busy people.

 

You may want to tell these women to "hang in there", because that is what you are choosing to do, but I hate to read about women who are letting life pass them by while waiting for a cheater to leave.

 

I can categorically state I do NOT encourage anyone to 'hang in there'. Not at all. As for waiting, I'm waiting for nothing. I waited for several months because I felt it was the right thing for us, and it was, but I don't suggest that to others, no.

[Trimmer]

There are quite a few OW who get a great deal of time every day and have very committed MM.

That is an incredibly fascinating phrase.

 

How would you describe exactly what he is committed to?

[Arrangrl]

It's over.

 

Arran x

[whichwayisup]

It's over.

 

Arran x

 

Sorry that you're probably hurting right now, but better to deal with this now rather than another year from now, waiting it out.

 

Good for you for sticking to your guns on this.

[John Michael Kane]

That is an incredibly fascinating phrase.

 

How would you describe exactly what he is committed to?

 

Or do you mean incredibly foolish?

[Silly_Girl]

Arran, I hope you're not feeling too devastated. You are more than welcome to post here, vent, scream, whatever you like.

 

If you were ready to put that question and consider your future then I am very glad for you that you know where you stand and can invest your time and emotions more wisely. Hugs to you.

[Got it]

That is an incredibly fascinating phrase.

 

How would you describe exactly what he is committed to?

 

Well to the OW and their relationship. I didn't realize that the statement was confusing.

[Trimmer]

Well to the OW and their relationship. I didn't realize that the statement was confusing.

I didn't say confusing...

 

But to follow up on that terminology, I was just wondering if it's confusing for such an OW to consider him "committed" to her and their relationship, when he chooses to remain married, which some consider to be a moderately significant form of commitment...

 

Isn't "committed" usually "all-in"? Or does "I'm committed, but......" turn out to be good enough, when it's the best you can get?

[Rose1977]

It's over.

 

Arran x

 

((((Arran))))

 

I'm so sorry. I know you are feeling so much pain right now. I am proud of you for being strong enough to stick to your guns and do what is right for you even though it will mean going through pain. This will pass, I PROMISE you.

[Ms. Red]

It's over.

 

Arran x

 

At least you know now.

 

Btw, did you used to go by the name of Mombot? You really remind me of her.

[Ms. Red]

I didn't say confusing...

 

But to follow up on that terminology, I was just wondering if it's confusing for such an OW to consider him "committed" to her and their relationship, when he chooses to remain married, which some consider to be a moderately significant form of commitment...

 

You didn't say confusing (till now) you said, fascinating. I don't see why it would be either of those really. I am still legally married without a legal separation or any intervention from the courts. And yet, my estranged husband has a full time girlfriend that he is committed to. It does happen. I don't see why it is confusing or fascinating.

 

Isn't "committed" usually "all-in"? Or does "I'm committed, but......" turn out to be good enough, when it's the best you can get?

 

I'd say it depends on what one considers "all-in" in each persons unique relationship.

[Trimmer]

You didn't say confusing (till now) you said, fascinating. I don't see why it would be either of those really. I am still legally married without a legal separation or any intervention from the courts. And yet, my estranged husband has a full time girlfriend that he is committed to. It does happen. I don't see why it is confusing or fascinating.

Your situation is much less interesting to me (oops, I've introduced another adjective...) because in your case, you seem to have general agreement between you and your husband (correct me if I'm wrong here) that he's "estranged" and so his relationship with his girlfriend is the only one in force. I have less trouble understanding that this is a "committed" relationship - he has left yours and is involved in another one.

 

I'd say it depends on what one considers "all-in" in each persons unique relationship.

And that's what interests me about the original comment, the context of which was that "many OW" get commitment from their MM. This interests (fascinates) me because the image this one conjures up is of the MM who says, essentially "I'm 'committed' to you, only I am going to stay married, and you have to remain a secret from my wife, friends, and much of the rest of my life."

 

Seriously, you may think I'm being sarcastic, and I'll admit that I wouldn't describe it in quite the same way, but I'm not intending to be disingenuous or smug here (OK, "fascinating" was a little smug, I apologize for that...) - I just found it interesting that "committed" is a word that's used by OW to describe this situation.