I'm worried about my husband

[TMCM]

He needs to recover how he feels he needs to.

 

He needs to man-up by stopping the self-pity and making peace with his choices in life. Those choices include remaining married or opting for divorce.

[John Michael Kane]

He needs to man-up by stopping the self-pity and making peace with his choices in life. Those choices include remaining married or opting for divorce.

 

^

Such an ignorant statement considering the man got cheated on a few months ago.

 

Again he needs to heal however he needs to.

[Kriss]

He needs to man-up by stopping the self-pity and making peace with his choices in life. Those choices include remaining married or opting for divorce.

 

It's her choices in life that are the problem, not his.

[TMCM]

^

Such an ignorant statement considering the man got cheated on a few months ago.

 

Again he needs to heal however he needs to.

 

I think not. He made the choice to forgive his wife and remained married to her after she confessed. If he's having trouble dealing with the emotional roller-coaster, then he needs to the services of a professional counselor to help him resolve it in a construction fashion. Letting things fester helps no one, least of all himself.

 

You, on the other hand, only offer vague statements. Ignorant statements.

Edited May 29, 2011 by TMCM
eta

[Kriss]

Obviously he has the right to change his mind in the future. As does she. Neither individual is compelled to stay in the marriage.

 

Time will tell.

[John Michael Kane]

I think not.

 

Yea keep thinking not.

 

He made the choice to forgive his wife and remained married to her after she confessed.

 

Where does he say that? And even if he did, we all know it's not true. And so what if he chose to stay that doesn't just mean the problems are concluded. You of all people know this.

 

If he's having trouble dealing with the emotional roller-coaster, then he needs to the services of a professional counselor to help him resolve it in a construction fashion. Letting things fester helps no one, least of all himself.

 

He'll learn to live with it as he sees fit. Besides biased "counseling" is not always the answer.

 

You, on the other hand, only offer vague statements. Ignorant statements.

 

Yet who's the one saying he needs to get over it already because he simply decided to stay?

[TMCM]

Where does he say that? And even if he did, we all know it's not true.

 

 

And so what if he chose to stay that doesn't just mean the problems are concluded.

 

More the reason for him to seek outside help.

 

You of all people know this.

 

I did not shoot for reconciliation with my xW (first) after I found about her serial cheating. Yes I did go through the emotional roller-coaster but unlike him, I chose to seek professional counseling.

 

He'll learn to live with it as he sees fit. Besides biased "counseling" is not always the answer.

 

Perhaps but why do you assume that his counselor would be biased? I had individual counseling and she never once sided with my xW or her actions.

 

My counselor knew her job was to help ME - not the marriage. I had to emotionally heal for my well-being as well as my daughters well-being.

 

Just like he has been doing, I tried the macho approach first. Did it work? Hell no, resentment and bitterness had me in a stranglehold. Asking for help doesn't make you less of a man, just the opposite.

 

Sure there are some bad professional counselors out there - just like in any profession, including yours and mine - but to brush all of them as being 'biased' is a sign of a lazy and ignorant mind.

[John Michael Kane]

 

 

 

More the reason for him to seek outside help.

 

 

 

I did not shoot for reconciliation with my xW (first) after I found about her serial cheating. Yes I did go through the emotional roller-coaster but unlike him, I chose to seek professional counseling.

 

 

 

Perhaps but why do you assume that his counselor would be biased? I had individual counseling and she never once sided with my xW or her actions.

 

My counselor knew her job was to help ME - not the marriage. I had to emotionally heal for my well-being as well as my daughters well-being.

 

Just like he has been doing, I tried the macho approach first. Did it work? Hell no, resentment and bitterness had me in a stranglehold. Asking for help doesn't make you less of a man, just the opposite.

 

Sure there are some bad professional counselors out there - just like in any profession, including yours and mine - but to brush all of them as being 'biased' is a sign of a lazy and ignorant mind.

 

As Kriss said: "The OP's husband gets to do it "his way" just like you did. He's not wrong just because his way wasn't your way."

[OldOnTheInside]

I've always been afraid to say what I really feel around him. He blows up easily (even before the affair) and I just wanted to avoid confrontation and arguments. Eventually, as I mentioned before, I began to hold those feelings inside and it screwed me up royally. Not to mention, it put distance between us. I just don't want the same thing to happen to him. I don't want him to hold all these feelings in with no outlet.

I actually found this pretty interesting Janey.

 

Do you think on of the reasons for the affair was the communication issues you have with him?

 

How are you going to deal with this later on?

[JaneyAmazed]

I actually found this pretty interesting Janey.

 

Do you think on of the reasons for the affair was the communication issues you have with him?

 

How are you going to deal with this later on?

 

Lack of communication was the biggest problem we had before the affair. We've both improved on that a lot. I've messed up some (reason I started this thread) but I learned from that. I'm more sensitive to his feelings and I don't always have to be right. We are both very stubborn. Before the affair, we butted heads a lot and neither of us would back down. Now, because of what I did, I've learned to show him more respect. I'm seeing things from his point of view, and it helps a lot.

[JaneyAmazed]

The choice to get divorced is much more likely to be irrevocable than the choice to try to reconcile.

 

You chose to get divorced but that doesn't mean someone who tries to reconcile can't change their minds later if it doesn't work out.

 

It also doesn't mean that the OP can't choose to get divorced either, later on.

 

The OP's husband gets to do it "his way" just like you did. He's not wrong just because his way wasn't your way.

 

 

My husband told me the other day that he knows I love him. He said that if he didn't think I loved him, he wouldn't be with me. That's why it's worth it to him to work on our marriage.

[John Michael Kane]

You had to have an affair to learn how to show more respect to your husband? How does that work?

 

It seems to me that having an affair is the ultimate disrespect of one's spouse.

 

Suppose you never had your affair. That means you would have never learned how to respect your husband?

 

Sorry, but this part of your post doesn't make sense to me.

 

I know how ya feel. Cheaters never make sense.:laugh: Trying to justify something unjustifiable.

[JaneyAmazed]

That doesn't change a word of what I said. It just explains why he is willing to try to reconcile, not that reconciliation is guaranteed to succeed.

 

I wasn't trying to change what you said. I agree with what you said. I was just explaining why he is willing to work it out. Of course reconciliation isn't guaranteed to succeed. We still have a lot of work to do.

[JaneyAmazed]

You had to have an affair to learn how to show more respect to your husband? How does that work?

 

It seems to me that having an affair is the ultimate disrespect of one's spouse.

 

Suppose you never had your affair. That means you would have never learned how to respect your husband?

 

Sorry, but this part of your post doesn't make sense to me.

 

You're right, this didn't make much sense. What I was meant was I showed him a lot of respect before the affair,just not when when we'd have disagreements. That's what I was talking about. The affair was a wake up call for both of us. And yes, the affair was the ultimate disrespect. I resented him for a lot things and used it to justify my affair. Now, I know I was wrong and there was no justifying. I made a terrible choice when I had the affair.

[JaneyAmazed]

What I can say is I had lots of problems before and during the affair (obviously). I wish I could have made the changes I'm making now BEFORE the affair. I made the choice to let my boundaries down and have an affair. I'm just glad I don't live a lie anymore. I'm glad I'm not betryaing my H anymore. No matter how things end up with my marriage, at least there are no more secrets. I am doing everything I can to make my marriage work. I know that I love my husband more than anyone in my life. I think my question was answered for this thread. I have learned to be patient and to trust this process. I will take it a day at time and hope for the best.

[John Michael Kane]

You say it's a wake up call for both of you, as if it's something beneficial when it's not. You having an affair only woke him up as to how much damage you can dish out to him when the chips are down. That's not something that should be taken lightly.

[Owl]

Odds are, that's not the only thing it "woke him up to".

 

It also told him how dysfunctional their relationship had become. It told him how unhappy she is/was with the way things were...it "woke him up" to the fact that things needed to change in some fashion, or the marriage WOULD end.

 

Yes, it did also "wake him up" to the fact that if she got that unhappy, she would go that far to seek her own happiness at his expense...I won't dispute that.

 

But...I can personally vouch for the fact that it's entirely possible he learned many more lessons than JUST that.

 

Was that truly the only "wake up call" you got out of your own situation, JMK? You didn't see any other "learning experiences" from your wife's affair than that?

[Owl]

I'm not sure that anyone is listing the "wake up call" as an excuse for cheating.

 

It can be an outcome of cheating...but it's hardly ever (and I don't believe it was at all in this case) an intended goal of cheating.

 

Cheating is a selfish act, focused solely on the short term benefits (at the time) of the participants.

 

I've never seen or heard of anyone who INTENDED to cheat with the plan of using it to somehow improve their marriage or convince their partner to change in some fashion.

 

It's just an UNINTENTIONAL outcome...SOMETIMES.

 

Big difference.

[Memphis Raines]

He has started exercising and lifting weights more

 

and he won't admit it, but this is because his self-esteem took a big hit. he know needs to know he can attract other ladies, but not so he can go out and get one, but so he can feel good about himself.

 

I know this lifting weights after an affair thing all too well.

[Memphis Raines]

I think not. He made the choice to forgive his wife and remained married to her after she confessed. If he's having trouble dealing with the emotional roller-coaster, then he needs to the services of a professional counselor to help him resolve it in a construction fashion. Letting things fester helps no one, least of all himself.

 

just because he forgave her doesn't mean he isn't going to struggle with his feelings. its fresh, raw. like someone else said, its only been a couple months.

 

you just don't get over it that quick, professional help or not.

 

Now if it is a year or 2 down the road, I'd say its time to do something about it.

 

But right now, forgiveness or not, he can't just erase the pain. it takes time.

[What_Next]

and he won't admit it, but this is because his self-esteem took a big hit. he know needs to know he can attract other ladies, but not so he can go out and get one, but so he can feel good about himself.

 

That is a normal and common occurence and reaction. Often times it leads to a revenge affair as well. That was partially the case for me, well that and pure rage that I did not know how to channel. Just to be clear I am NOT (NOT, NOT) saying that Janey's H will go down this route, he seems much smarter than that.

 

He will have all of this pent up anger and frustration and he'll need an outlet. Janey do yourself and a favor and help him find one. I know in my case I also combined booze and the outcome damn near cost me my job and did permanent damage to my health.

 

As for the wake up call, well that whole aspect of affairs is somewhat lost on me. Sure the affair is a "wake up call" in terms of having a marriage that was broken before it occurs, but for me it was a wake up call in terms of being aware that if the marriage falls on those hard times my wife has the capacity to cheat. Now of course I realize anyone could cheat but I did stupidly believe that if things were really that bad for my wife she would come to me and/or just ask for a divorce. That part of the "wake up call" will stick with me for the rest of my life. Our relationship will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER be the same and the way I look at her will NEVER EVER be the same. You cannot go back and erase an affair, so yes it was a 'wake up call'.

[Memphis Raines]

That is a normal and common occurence and reaction. Often times it leads to a revenge affair as well. That was partially the case for me, well that and pure rage that I did not know how to channel. Just to be clear I am NOT (NOT, NOT) saying that Janey's H will go down this route, he seems much smarter than that.

 

He will have all of this pent up anger and frustration and he'll need an outlet.

 

exactly. nothing feels better than to take any anger to the gym. I pushed weight I never thought I could before. being angry is a great workout motivator.

[Owl]

Agreed...working out is often a method for dealing with the stress as fallout from an affair.

 

I walked/ran...typically > 10 miles/day for the first few months.

[dale_gribble]

Janey, you seem like a very receptive person when it come to questions. Let me ask you- I asked my wife if she ever "loved" this guy and she told me "it was a different kind of love" What does that mean. How can you love two people at the same time? I thought I was the only one she was supposed to have those feelings for. This angers me to no end. I feel duped; almost like my/our love was one-sided. I know I'll never be able to get over this. I'm not here to pile-on, but this is the lamest thing I have ever heard. Do you guys(cheaters) ever think of your spouses while getting screwed by ohter people; if so how can you continue this behavior. I will never understand this.

[Mz. Pixie]

Here's something I still don't get, though.

 

I envision when a wife resents a husband, the way she expresses the resentment is through some sort of overt hostility, like Wilma Flintstone wagging the rolling pin at Fred when he comes home late from bowling night with the Water Buffaloes.

 

I never conceive of someone like Wilma Flintstone expressing her hostility towards Fred by screwing Barney Rubble.

 

Why is that?

 

For me it did start with overt hostility- not physical violence-but hostility. The resentment breeds entitlement. Entitlement leads to one letting themselves be vulnerable to an affair.