Wtf!??!

[Sparty97]

So I just got home from running some errands and my son is home sitting in the den having a snack and his mom (my wife) asks me to come upstairs to talk to her about something (the way she asks makes it sound serious)...she leads me to the bedroom and tells me she's horny...we haven't had any type of intimacy in over 2 months. My son is downstairs. I just got back from running around town. WTF...sorry, thanks for wooing me and all, but no thanks.

 

That's right, I told her I'm not in the mood. **** that ****.

[What_Next]

2 months without any? Is there any reason for that?

 

A quickie is great fun, but this just sounds odd to me.

[TaraMaiden]

damn.

I personally think you blew it.

That's passive/aggressive controlling behaviour, that thar is.

 

IMHO.

[Sparty97]

Lack of sex, like once a month is the norm in my pathetic marriage. She has mental health issues, she adjusting to meds which lower her already non-existent sex drive. But every now and then she just "wants it"...yippee for me.

 

At this point I am just bitter and angry, why the eff should I just give in to her desires when there is never an effort to satisfy mine? No thanks.

[Sparty97]

damn.

I personally think you blew it.

That's passive/aggressive controlling behaviour, that thar is.

 

IMHO.

 

 

Why? Because I'm not in the mood? horsepuckey.

 

Yes, I am withholding, but I am withholding because I have no desire to have sex with her right now. She's horny and I'm just supposed to perform? If this were reversed you'd be screaming misogyny.

[TaraMaiden]

No, not at all.

I swear, I am not a misogynist, and I think sometimes, it helps to think WHY we decide to go against what might on the face of it, be a better idea.

 

turning someone down is all very well, if you really don't feel like it.

Providing you maybe come to an agreement to keep things bubbling, and do it later/another time?

 

But turning something down and even calling it 'witholding' is just the wrong motivation, and backfires. it does your humour no good (as was evident by your language) and builds resentment in her.....

 

Don't you think there might have been a more mutually constructive way of handling it?

[JamesM]

Sorry...you freaking described a fantasy that ended like a nightmare. That is how my dreams are.

 

I too am in a sexless marriage, but if my wife had those moments, then I would double lock the door and call a babysitter if necessary.

 

My guess is that your anger stems from the fact that when you chase her for sex, then she rejects you most of the time. So when she wants it, you wonder why you should jump for her. And as someone who used to think that sexless meant once a month but now wouldn't mind having sex once a month at least, I would say be thankful for those moments. Turning her down may cause her to quit asking altogether and once a month will be only a dream.

 

I guess we view sex differently. To me it would be all about satisfying her because I know that she would respond. My most enjoyable sex has been when she has had the most fun. To me sex is not about my orgasm but mostly about her pleasure.

 

I am with TM on this one....no way would I say no.

[Sparty97]

My guess is that your anger stems from the fact that when you chase her for sex, then she rejects you most of the time. So when she wants it, you wonder why you should jump for her.

 

Actually I long ago gave up chasing and the once a monthhas been essentially at her whim.

 

 

Turning her down may cause her to quit asking altogether and once a month will be only a dream.

I'm at a point where I don't much care anymore.

 

I guess we view sex differently. To me it would be all about satisfying her because I know that she would respond. My most enjoyable sex has been when she has had the most fun. To me sex is not about my orgasm but mostly about her pleasure.

 

Actually we're not that far apart. For me it's not about my release or her's but rather the mutual pleasure derived from the act and the connection. My point here is that she was being selfish "I'm horny" is hardly "I love you" or "I want you" it's "take care of my needs".

 

I am with TM on this one....no way would I say no.

 

I wasn't in the mood. Period.

[Sparty97]

No, not at all.

I swear, I am not a misogynist, and I think sometimes, it helps to think WHY we decide to go against what might on the face of it, be a better idea.

 

turning someone down is all very well, if you really don't feel like it.

Providing you maybe come to an agreement to keep things bubbling, and do it later/another time?

 

Feh. When she can come at me with something better than "I'm horny" maybe.

 

But turning something down and even calling it 'witholding' is just the wrong motivation, and backfires. it does your humour no good (as was evident by your language) and builds resentment in her.....

 

I'm ok with that. I already resent her why should she feel left out? Seriously though, maybe she'll get the hint that our marriage sucks right now.

 

Don't you think there might have been a more mutually constructive way of handling it?

 

I think I handled it pretty well actually. I didn't express any anger I just said now wasn't a good time. She's done that literally hundreds of times over the course of 15 years and I've done it once.

[DaisyLeigh]

Why a key logger? Maybe she was reading erotica or looking at porn? Men do it. Would it be so wrong for a woman to do so?

[Sparty97]

sparty,

 

put a key logger on her computer.

 

Sounds like something got her riled up while you were out for your jog.

 

 

Nah, that's not it. This is just how our sex life has gone for some time. Every now and then she needs an itch scratched.

 

Maybe I'll claim ED.

[D-Lish]

Seems like there is so much anger and a whole lot of needs NOT being met- why do you stay in the relationship?

 

I personally see where you are coming from. It can't be wonderful to be denied over and over. I can see how the resentment would take over. I have empathy for you.

 

I dated a man that had zero sex drive. I was a slave to when he wanted it. I got to the point where I felt so bad about myself- he'd deny my advances over and over- then all of a sudden he'd try and woo me.... It became hard to put aside the resentment in order to placate him getting his rocks off when he decided he was ready.

 

I think people are being too harsh on you. I used to give in to my ex when he wanted it because I knew my opportunites were limited. I got to the point where I'd do it because "the window was open"... But that was all about HIM, and not about me. Think he'd climb in my window once and a while with the same mind set? No, and he never did.

 

I don't blame you for denying her. You must feel extremely frustrated and defeated. I only spent 9 months with that guy- and it broke my self image. In the beginning stages of our relationship we went away for 4 days and actually got snowed into a resort- we played scrabble, lol. Really? 3 months together, we're snowed in, and you'd you'd rather play scrabble than have sex???

 

It's sad- and I know you have a child- but maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. I don't blame you for having anger, it's not unreasonable to feel that way at all.

[Feelin Frisky]

Lack of sex, like once a month is the norm in my pathetic marriage. She has mental health issues, she adjusting to meds which lower her already non-existent sex drive. But every now and then she just "wants it"...yippee for me.

 

At this point I am just bitter and angry, why the eff should I just give in to her desires when there is never an effort to satisfy mine? No thanks.

 

You probably should have said that in your OP to avoid being told you're "passive aggressive and controlling". Hint hint.

 

As for me I was a bit startled by your OP thinking whoa, why not some spontaneous nooky. But when you say she has a mental health problem and things are "pathetic" I can empathize with you. I guess you should be prepared for more misreads on your OP because it does make you sound like you're in the wrong. Take care and be well.

[Sparty97]

Seems like there is so much anger and a whole lot of needs NOT being met- why do you stay in the relationship?

 

I personally see where you are coming from. It can't be wonderful to be denied over and over. I can see how the resentment would take over. I have empathy for you.

 

I dated a man that had zero sex drive. I was a slave to when he wanted it. I got to the point where I felt so bad about myself- he'd deny my advances over and over- then all of a sudden he'd try and woo me.... It became hard to put aside the resentment in order to placate him getting his rocks off when he decided he was ready.

 

I think people are being too harsh on you. I used to give in to my ex when he wanted it because I knew my opportunites were limited. I got to the point where I'd do it because "the window was open"... But that was all about HIM, and not about me. Think he'd climb in my window once and a while with the same mind set? No, and he never did.

 

I don't blame you for denying her. You must feel extremely frustrated and defeated. I only spent 9 months with that guy- and it broke my self image. In the beginning stages of our relationship we went away for 4 days and actually got snowed into a resort- we played scrabble, lol. Really? 3 months together, we're snowed in, and you'd you'd rather play scrabble than have sex???

 

It's sad- and I know you have a child- but maybe it's time to re-evaluate the relationship. I don't blame you for having anger, it's not unreasonable to feel that way at all.

 

 

Thanks for your understanding. Why do I stay? The honest truth is I simply can't afford to leave. We're not poor, but we have a house payment and maintaining that and child support would have me living in a box.

[Sooner or Later]

I am honestly floored how many people are on this forum who live in sexless marriages. It is astounding and sad.

 

Get out and find fulfillment--life is too short for a dry sexless existence where physically intimacy is either portioned out like a treat or denied altogether.

[Sparty97]

I am honestly floored how many people are on this forum who live in sexless marriages. It is astounding and sad.

 

Get out and find fulfillment--life is too short for a dry sexless existence where physically intimacy is either portioned out like a treat or denied altogether.

 

 

Oh I have hobbies trust me. I run, I bicycle with a club, brew my own beer...I've been looking for additional part time work for the summer, more money and a way to stay out of the house a bit more.

[Sooner or Later]

Oh I have hobbies trust me. I run, I bicycle with a club, brew my own beer...I've been looking for additional part time work for the summer, more money and a way to stay out of the house a bit more.

 

Heh.

 

I am not talking about hobbies.

 

A hobby is a nice way to bide the time.

 

Fulfilling sex is a joy and a wonder.

 

 

How so many people go through life accepting their sexless marriages and relationships astounds me.

 

 

Your life (everyone's life) is worthy of respect, love, joy and HOT sex!

 

Do not settle for less.

[Sparty97]

Heh.

 

I am not talking about hobbies.

 

A hobby is a nice way to bide the time.

 

Fulfilling sex is a joy and a wonder.

 

 

How so many people go through life accepting their sexless marriages and relationships astounds me.

 

 

Your life (everyone's life) is worthy of respect, love, joy and HOT sex!

 

Do not settle for less.

 

I'm not going to cheat. Yes i think about it but I just don't want to go down that road.

 

As I said, I can't afford a divorce...besides I live in Massachusetts where lifetime alimony is still a reality.

[Sooner or Later]

I'm not going to cheat. Yes i think about it but I just don't want to go down that road.

 

As I said, I can't afford a divorce...besides I live in Massachusetts where lifetime alimony is still a reality.

 

I was not suggesting cheating. That is the coward's way out.

 

The other thing that astounds me is how many people won't divorce solely due to money--they would prefer going to the END OF THEIR DAYS without strong love and hot sex in order to avoid financial burdens.

 

Not so good priorities. Then again, money, for me, is not the root of my happiness. I would prefer to suffer financially then live in a cold, love/sexless marriage.

 

To live for years and decades without true emotional and physical fulfillment is mind-boggling--a veritable prison.

[Sparty97]

I was not suggesting cheating. That is the coward's way out.

 

The other thing that astounds me is how many people won't divorce solely due to money--they would prefer going to the END OF THEIR DAYS without strong love and hot sex in order to avoid financial burdens.

 

Not so good priorities. Then again, money, for me, is not the root of my happiness. I would prefer to suffer financially then live in a cold, love/sexless marriage.

 

To live for years and decades without true emotional and physical fulfillment is mind-boggling--a veritable prison.

 

I guess you don't understand the term "not a financial option" I mean it really isn't. It's not just that I would suffer, I would be literally homeless.

[carhill]

OP, is she bi-polar? This 'light-switch' behavior sounds familiar and can be very unnerving.

 

I recall one episode where I had to diffuse a friend's spouse who was literally humping me in the living room of another person's home. I could see in her eyes that she was in the mania portion and her meds must've gone wrong. Salvaged the evening with little embarassment. The next day she was back to normal and I was a non-entity again.

 

Anyway, I know you're 'poor', but counseling could help you deal with this. If you 'can't' divorce, you might as well learn some tools to deal with it in a somewhat healthy way. Otherwise, you'll go nuts. BTDT. The process may help you look at these occurrences differently and perhaps make different choices.

[starryeyed12]

Your OP caught my attention! Lol

 

Not sure if you are here to just do some V&V (I just made that up...stands for vent and validate:)), or if you're looking for advice.

 

If it's the latter, then I'll share what my idealistic self believes is the best advice (my disclaimer..ha).

 

Since there is really no clean and easy escape route here, have you considered laying out your needs as clearly, honestly, and non-aggressively as possible to your wife? I know you don't think you came off as aggressive in your denial of the sex, but I feel it jumping off the screen with a million miles of cyber space between us. And anger and agression seem pretty reasonable when you have been living, for God knows how long, in a world of resentment and sexlessness!

 

However, consider this.

 

You say you denied your wife for 2 reasons- 1.) Because you have so much resentment built up that your desire for her has been squashed and 2.) She didn't make the time and effort to woo you before hand.

 

But wait, there's one other reason...3.) To send a message that you will not give into her sexual needs on her whim if she will not give into yours.

 

This is what we call passive-agressive behavior. This is you struggling to regain some power (at least in the sex dept). People do it all the time. It is not a very effective form of communication. Mix signals, compounded resentment, confusion, bitterness, and usually a lose-lose situation are the fruits of this form of communication.

 

Changing this behavior is the first step in the direction of happiness.

 

What do you want from your wife? What can she realistically do to make your marriage better for you? Think honestly and fairly about this.

 

Write that down. Maybe make a list. Keep realistic in mind and don't add anything to the list when you're mad or feeling cynical. And for god's sake don't leave it out somewhere or lose it!

 

One night, preferably when the waters seem fairly calm, share ideas from this list with her. Don't judge her, don't say "you don't do this for me," simply state what you need. If need be, decide beforehand what the alternative is to making some effort toward fullfiling these needs. Are you ready for separation? Divorce? What's the alternative (notice I didn't say consequence or ultimatum--those words have aggressive connotations. You want to go about this calmly as possible)?

 

Be ready to hear her out. She may get defensive. She's going to feel that you haven't fulfilled her needs as well. Be ready to accept that maybe you haven't. Since you both seem to stuggle with proper communication, chances are she's not going to handle this in the most effective way possible. But your voice needs to be heard and this is the first step, I think. No screaming matches or name calling. This is simply about what you need because you have been feeling unfulfilled for quite some time now. If she decides to turn it into an honest discussion about "us" then go for it. If it starts heading south because she does not know how to deal then walk away and let it simmer down. Trust me, your message is heard loudly and clearly when said in a cool, calm, and collected manner.

 

Passive-agressiveness is cowardly, IMO. I guess there's a time and a place for it, but the place is not really with your marriage partner.

 

Honesty takes bravery. But there's a difference between well-thought-out honesty and whatever-flies-out-of-your-mouth "honesty." Go slow and think before speaking.

 

If you are really as unhappy as you seem and you are ready to seek change of some form, what have you got to lose by letting her know---tactfully--what you need?

 

If it's the former then carry on with the V&V.

[Sparty97]

OP, is she bi-polar? This 'light-switch' behavior sounds familiar and can be very unnerving.

 

No, she's not BiPolar. She has depression and an anxiety disorder.

 

I recall one episode where I had to diffuse a friend's spouse who was literally humping me in the living room of another person's home. I could see in her eyes that she was in the mania portion and her meds must've gone wrong. Salvaged the evening with little embarassment. The next day she was back to normal and I was a non-entity again.

 

Anyway, I know you're 'poor', but counseling could help you deal with this. If you 'can't' divorce, you might as well learn some tools to deal with it in a somewhat healthy way. Otherwise, you'll go nuts. BTDT. The process may help you look at these occurrences differently and perhaps make different choices.

 

I'm not "Poor". Together we make enough to afford our house and our basic needs, but apart it would be a struggle.

[Sparty97]

Your OP caught my attention! Lol

 

Not sure if you are here to just do some V&V (I just made that up...stands for vent and validate:)), or if you're looking for advice.

 

If it's the latter, then I'll share what my idealistic self believes is the best advice (my disclaimer..ha).

 

Since there is really no clean and easy escape route here, have you considered laying out your needs as clearly, honestly, and non-aggressively as possible to your wife? I know you don't think you came off as aggressive in your denial of the sex, but I feel it jumping off the screen with a million miles of cyber space between us. And anger and agression seem pretty reasonable when you have been living, for God knows how long, in a world of resentment and sexlessness!

 

I came here as a means to express the anger and agression that I did not express to her.

 

However, consider this.

 

You say you denied your wife for 2 reasons- 1.) Because you have so much resentment built up that your desire for her has been squashed and 2.) She didn't make the time and effort to woo you before hand.

 

But wait, there's one other reason...3.) To send a message that you will not give into her sexual needs on her whim if she will not give into yours.

 

4) I wasn't in the mood. Honestly, she sprung it on me as I walked in the frickin door with our son downstairs watching TV.

 

This is what we call passive-agressive behavior. This is you struggling to regain some power (at least in the sex dept). People do it all the time. It is not a very effective form of communication. Mix signals, compounded resentment, confusion, bitterness, and usually a lose-lose situation are the fruits of this form of communication.

 

My signals were not at all mixed. I have not even attempted to be intimate with her for 3mos (I said 2 earlier but I realized the last time was around Valentines) and when asked today I explained I wasn't in the mood and even why.

 

Changing this behavior is the first step in the direction of happiness.

 

What do you want from your wife? What can she realistically do to make your marriage better for you? Think honestly and fairly about this.

 

At this point I don't think I want anything from her. Moreover I think I want her to want nothing from me. She still seeks me out to talk to, to help her with her problems, etc. So she is getting uch of what she wants out of the relationship.

 

Write that down. Maybe make a list. Keep realistic in mind and don't add anything to the list when you're mad or feeling cynical.

 

Good luck finding that time.

 

And for god's sake don't leave it out somewhere or lose it!

 

One night, preferably when the waters seem fairly calm, share ideas from this list with her. Don't judge her, don't say "you don't do this for me," simply state what you need. If need be, decide beforehand what the alternative is to making some effort toward fullfiling these needs. Are you ready for separation? Divorce? What's the alternative (notice I didn't say consequence or ultimatum--those words have aggressive connotations. You want to go about this calmly as possible)?

 

We've had the "we don't have sex" conversation a few times over the years. It results in a short lived uptick. I'd rather not do that again it simply gets my hopes up that something has actually changed.

 

Be ready to hear her out. She may get defensive. She's going to feel that you haven't fulfilled her needs as well. Be ready to accept that maybe you haven't. Since you both seem to stuggle with proper communication, chances are she's not going to handle this in the most effective way possible. But your voice needs to be heard and this is the first step, I think. No screaming matches or name calling. This is simply about what you need because you have been feeling unfulfilled for quite some time now. If she decides to turn it into an honest discussion about "us" then go for it. If it starts heading south because she does not know how to deal then walk away and let it simmer down. Trust me, your message is heard loudly and clearly when said in a cool, calm, and collected manner.

 

Passive-agressiveness is cowardly, IMO. I guess there's a time and a place for it, but the place is not really with your marriage partner.

 

BS. I'm not willing to grant that I was being passive aggressive.

 

Honesty takes bravery. But there's a difference between well-thought-out honesty and whatever-flies-out-of-your-mouth "honesty." Go slow and think before speaking.

 

I've done the honesty thing, as I stated before it hasn't really worked.

 

If you are really as unhappy as you seem and you are ready to seek change of some form, what have you got to lose by letting her know---tactfully--what you need?

 

If it's the former then carry on with the V&V.

 

Honestly it was a bit of both.

[starryeyed12]

You obviously read my post and quickly dismissed it! lol

 

Is that all you want from her? Sex? If so, then the "we don't have sex" talk is tired.

 

Sounds to me like you need more from her than just sex. Sounds like you need to think about what more you could need from a marriage partner to feel fulfilled. Detach her for a moment and just simply think "marriage partner." Your dream wife (within reason!). What would you want from her? Are you getting it now from your wife? Write that down. If you have the time for LS you have the time to think/write down your needs.

 

If you want to carry on the way you're going and try to justify how you're acting then fine...V&V all you like. But you will not change your marriage or your happiness if you continue down the path you've been taking.